Hi Mommies,
Well I've been trying since early yesterday to get over this but I'm still feeling very bitter and wanted to see if you guys had some feedback. My daughter is 2 years old and I'm 3 weeks away from the birth of our second child, a boy. By the way, feeling miserable and ready to be done with this pregancy.
Anyway, so yesterday my husband did nothing to acknowledge Mothers Day except wake up and say "Happy Mother's Day". No gift, no card, nothing. Now as always, I took care of both of our Mothers. Got both of them gifts and a card so in essence, he did absolutely nothing for anyone for that day. Anyway, the night before he tells me he's going to go out after dinner. I figured it had something to do with Mothers Day so maybe this is my fault. I told him not to worry about it. I only said that because I didn't know he hadn't done ANYTHING for me. I thought maybe he was running out for a card or something on top of what he already did. Mind you, he was gone all day Saturday golfing with his family for his father's birthday and to celebrate Mother's Day with his Mom. I figured he got SOMETHING but maybe forgot the card or something. Anyway, not the case and I didn't want him to leave the house again because I wanted him to be home with me. I wasn't feeling well and I wanted him to take over the care of our 2 year old, not run out of the house again. Anyway, I'm really not one of those materialistic people. I didn't expect much, maybe a card? Maybe even something creative like a drawing he had my daughter do for me that he threw in a frame? Really, nothing extravaggant, just some kind of something that told me that he thinks I'm a good Mommy. Nope, nada!
I guess I should have known. A few months ago when we were talking about mothers day he said, why would I get you anything, your not my Mom. On our way to church yesterday I cried and told him that he hurt my feelings and he got all mad but I could tell he felt bad because then he insisted we go to lunch and we had to go to Target to get diapers and he wanted me to pick something out. I just didn't have it in me anymore. The damage had already been done I guess.
So here I am. Upset, bitter, feeling underappreciated and totally hormonal. How do I get past this? I feel very angry with him and I don't think he knows how badly this hurt my feelings and I'm having a very hard time moving on. I prayed about it in church and I felt a little better yesterday but it keeps haunting me. Thoughts? Suggestions? Anyone have this happen to them? If so, how did you get past it without holding it against your husband down the road?
I was able to have a candid conversation with my husband about this yesterday and I think we made some headway. He admitted that he just toally "dropped the ball" on Mothers Day and apologized. And he did feel bad about it. And for the one poster who asked.......no, he didn't even do anything for his own Mother, I made sure his mother had a card and a very nice gift. I even had to tell him to call his mother that day. I pointed that out to him as well. And I agree that I am NOT his mother but I am the mother of his children and until his children are old enough to express themselves to me on Mothers Day, I strongly feel it's his job. Just like he's not my father but on fathers day he WILL receive at the very least a card from his children. Anyway, he apologized and promised to do a better job next time. I can do nothing at this point but get over it and move on and hope that he really meant the apology and that next year brings a better day for me. Hearing from all of you on this really did help alot too. If nothing else I learned from this board and from another friend of mine that this isn't uncommon! Thanks ladie and I say next year we find another Mom, leave the Dads at home and go do something fun with our kids together!
I'm sorry you had such a miserable mothers day. I'll be watching the responses as my husband did almost the same thing yesterday, Including the line about how I'm not his mother... Hope you are feeling better!
I am so sorry to hear that your Mother's Day was just another ordinary day. SO Happy Mother's day to you.I am probably the last person to give advice on something like this since I hold a grudge forever. Your husband was in the wrong for doing what he did. Even though you are not his "mother" you have a 2 yr old who unfortunatly can not take the car and go buy you something nice for your only day. The only thing I can say is talk to him and tell him exactly how you feel. Us moms work hard everyday every hour of every minute and all we ask for is that one day that we get recognized for our duties. I think the only way to get through this is to talk, plus it doesn't help that you are ready to have that little baby and your hormones are at rage.
I kind of went through something like that last year. my son's birthday is always around mother's day (he was born on Mother's Day) so we have the entire family over for a BBQ and we celebrate mothers day and his birthday in the same day. Well last year my husband did cook but after everyone left I had to do all the cleaning and picking up of all the presents and bathed my kids while he sat downstairs and watched TV. I was so angry that I let it build up too long and I just snapped. All I ask for is that one day where I don't have to get out of bed when the kids wake up and all I want to do is sit around and do nothing all day. The gift thing wouldn't bother me as much as giving me a day off and acknowlege that I am a great mom. I did hold it against him down the road because when Father's Day came around I didn't do a thing for him, and that night is when I let it all out. So talk to him, I really don't think men understand how hard being a mom is let alone when you are pregnant and ready to deliver.
Hang in there and your little one knows what a special mom she has, she's just too young to show you on her own right now. Good luck with everything and hope you go into labor soon.
You need to have a sit down talk with your hubby and tell him how you feel. Let him know that "no, I'm not Your mother (and nor do you want to be) but I'm you're children's mother and I deserve a little recogntition. Tell him how important it is to you, and keep praying it always helps. Good luck with the new baby!!
I'd sit down w/ him and tell him this:
You know that I'm not materialistic. But I need the acknowledgement and appreciation that I am doing a good job as the mother of your children.
No, I'm not your mother. But I AM the person who buys the gifts and sends the cards to YOUR mother. Our daughter is only 2. So it's up to YOU to take the responsibility for celebrating MY Mother's Day.
What if you didn't get a card or anything on Father's Day? How would you feel? You're not MY father, but I make sure our daughter celebrates Father's Day w/ you.
Telling me to pick out something at Target while we're there getting diapers doesn't cut it. It's the thought that counts, and that shows no thought on your part.
I am still very hurt and upset about this. And I don't think it's asking too much that you make this up to me.
Awe... I'm so sorry your husband is being a Sh#@ head... :O(
If it makes you feel any better... my husband totally blew by my first mothers day too... and I was so hurt. Sunday was my 3rd mothers day, and he made it very special. It just took him a few years to figure out that it's up to HIM to make it special until our girls are old enough. All you can do, is let him know that it hurt you... if he still ignores it... well then Father's day is in June... and he's not YOUR father... righ? Two can play that game!
I hope he picks up the clue phone and makes it up to you though!!
{{HUGS}}
Jen~
K.,
I feel your pain. My husband's mother passed away 10 1/2 years ago and for the past 6 mother's days I have fought with my husband. He keeps everything bottled up inside him, and I didn't even see him cry when she passed away, but I knew it affected him greatly. One fight was so bad, when my son was 1 1/2 years old, I left the house and he had to come looking for me. Every year I think we will be able to have a nice mother's day but it is ruined. So I know where you are coming from!
I think you HAVE to tell him! You HAVE to talk about it. If not, you will continue to feel the resentment inside and it is not good for your marriage. I would ask for a "Do Over" and ask him to plan a nice day out for you. For my mother's day, after our fight, my hubby fell asleep on the couch while I decided that I wanted to have a special day with my boys so I looked up a movie that was appropriate for them and woke my hubby and told him that I was going to go to the movie with my boys. He was all about going with, and it ended up being a nice day, only because I made it that way. If your husband will not plan a day out for you, you do it and tell him it is what you want to do for mother's day since your 2 year old is too young to plan anything out. Or if you can feel like joking about it, tell him that your 2 year old just told you that she forgot mother's day and wants to make it up to you by doing this! I think it is okay to make him feel like an a$$ because he needs to know not to do it again.
If you are a "reader" I would also suggest the book "The Five Love Languages" by Gary Chapman. It talks about how we each give and receive love in special ways, and it sounds like your husband needs to learn how you need to receive love. If your husband is not a reader try to figure out what your love language is and have him read just that chapter. It has changed my marriage, and I have asked my husband to reread it in light of yesterday.
Good luck, and I TOTALLY understand how the last bit of pregnancy is the hardest. Hang in there! You wont be pregnant forever, I promise!
J.
Guilt works wonders... ;) Obviously, you can't go back and undo this year. Just keep talking to him to try to make him understand how this is an important time for your efforts to be recognized. At my house, I try to compare it to an annual bonus at work since this is my "job", and that I just expect something with thought and love behind it. These men... training them is a never ending job! Good luck with the delivery of your upcoming little one!!
Hi K.. Well I know this has been awhile since your post. I just have to tell you something related to this. When I was a first time mom, my dh didn't do a thing. He didn't get me a card, nothing. So I kind of know where you are coming from here. My dh NOW makes a big deal with my three sons and all three of them make me breakfast in bed and a HUGE CARD every mothers day! Why? Well, guilt trips work wonders.....and I expressed to him that I was hurt and it being my first mothers day, he should have orchestrated something like a picture in a frame or a little bit of bb spittle on a napkin and signed it from my son.lol Anyway, things have changed and I feel very very appreciated.
I just celebrated my first mother's day, so I'll readily admit I may be way off here, but here are my thoughts.
It is mother's day, not wife's day. You are not his mother. However, you do have children and, if the kids are small enough, he SHOULD have coordinated some sort of 'gift' or 'recognition' coming from the kids. SHAME on him for not taking the initiative to make sure that some sort of recognition from your children was present. Did he do anything for his mother - I certainly hope so!
I got a gift from my 3 month old son (yes, I know it was really from my husband), but nothing from my husband. That was my expectation, and we were both very clear about this ahead of time. Perhaps you should take the opportunity to discuss this with your husband and clear the air about expectations.
Acceptable - not getting a gift from your husband, since you are not his mother
Not Acceptable - not getting a gift from your children, even if it means daddy is in charge of putting it together
You have to tell him exactly how you feel or this will be a stubling block between you and your husband. Let him know that without him you would not be a mommy and vice versa. God Bless
