I recently joined a moms group around Jan of this year. I am new to the area and was really happy to find a group so fast. (I moved from Kentucky in December) At first everyone was really friendly. In April it was time to elect new officers for the club. They needed someone to fill the position of monthly organizer. I decided I would run for the postition and I was voted in. The monthly organizers's responsibilities are to organize the monthly meeting with activities for the kids, occasional speakers, and being a liaison between the club and the school we meet at. The monthly meeting is also the group’s only public meeting that new members can attend to decided if they would like to join. Without this the club would not grow. At first all the moms where really excited that I volunteered and everything went ok. The problem I am having though is that first I was never given any info on what exactly what was expected of my position or info on the school where we meet or what to do while we are there. After doing some digging I found some info on this. Second I started planning activities and speakers for the meeting and the other officers have changed my plans without asking me and then get annoyed when I am unhappy with this. They also expect me to arrive at the school early to set up by myself and then stay after to clean up by myself. For this coming month's meeting I had everything planned out and ready and then the leader of the group tells me they changed the date of the meeting without asking me and that I should call the school and make sure this is okay even though I have never been given any info on how to contact the school. I ask her if anyone had contact info for the church and so far she has not responded. The other thing that upsets me is that when I attend other playdates it seems like this same group of moms (mostly the other officers) totally ignore me and disregard my ideas. Most of the other moms in the group are very nice and I have made some pretty good friends with a few of them but it feels like the officers are just using me to organize there monthly meeting and keep with there agenda without considering any one else's ideas. I am becoming very discouraged and am thinking of leaving the group because of this but I feel like I made a commitment and should honor it. I am not sure what to do and I am looking for advice.
Thanks for the quick responses. I really appreciate it. I think I have decided to finish out the year since my obligation is up in Jan. It is only a few more months and I think can make it till then. Then I will probably leave the group. There were a lot of questions that others ask that I thought I would answer. I have tried talking to the other officers and they just blow me off like I am making a big deal out of nothing. They always say that the person before me never had a problem with all of it. We do everything through email and through word of mouth. I have suggested an online group but nobody seemed interested. I did technically volunteer but I was asked by quite a few other moms to take the position. I am a day care coordinator and they all thought since I did that that I would have plenty of ideas. I love to plan things like this so I said I would do it. It seemed like it would be really fun. I hate to think that the other moms are "diva's" per say but it just feels like my ideas are not important and that they are only in it for personal gain. My final decision though is defiantly to stick it out till they end of the year since I made a commitment. Then I will be leaving the group. Thanks again for all the responses.
How frustrating for you! Have you approached the other officers with the issues with which you are encountering? If they are open to changing their ways, I would stay on. But, if they are not going to work with you, you may do well to say goodbye to them. You and the other ladies you've met could still get together for playdates outside of the group.
C., Wow how discourging. Have you tried talking to the officers and expressing your concernces. Maybe they don't relize what they are doing. Sometimes people get in a rut and arn't preceptive to change right away. I would give it some more time and see how it goes. I bet if you talk to them they didn't even know you felt this way and would be more carful of your plans and feelings.
I was a member of a group that was so similar to your post that it is scary. Maybe it is the very same group! I was the newest member at the time and I took on some of the same responsibilities that you say that you did. And the very same things happened! I planned the whole calendar, and even set up a Yahoo! group to send out emails and calander reminders at the leader's request. After I spend hours on this they told me that it just wasn't working out for them and they wanted me to dismantle the whole thing which would take hours more and to instead build a website (which people get paid a lot of money to do) and make it just how they wanted, but they wouldn't tell me what they wanted. Also the meetings, like you said, were canceled without them notifying me, and I was the only one that showed up. It was very upsetting for my daughter too when I was telling her that she would get to play with her friends, and then no one was there. I immediately left the group and I never contacted them again.
C.,
Sounds like this is not a group (the officers) of people that you would like to hang on to. What I suggetst you do is start off by setting limits with them. For example letting them know that you are available for X number of hours/wk to do group planning and that they will need to get someone else to do the rest. You may try to delegate setup and clean up times to others in the group if you have a list of contacts. Also, have you thought of branching off from this group with some of the other members and creating your own more casual group? Remember, you can only be taken advantage of by others if you allow it! Good luck-hope this helps. :)
It's sounds a lot like the Moms Club that I am a member. I've been a member for a year. Our group was having the same problems finding officers and asked some of the newest members to take the position. That's hard that they aren't helping you and even undoing everything that you are trying to do. It sounds like you really want this to work but they are helping at all. I don't know how your group does things, but our group does pretty much everything online. They use Yahoo! groups. It has a place for everything like files, messages and something they call polls which is basically a question and you mark your relpy. They use the polls for everything from playdates to special outing to the monthly meeting. It seems very orgainzed. Have you tried to talk to you president one on one? Or any of the other officers? That might help to get them by themselves. Also, on the poll for the monthly meeting our group has an area where you can volunteer to help set up and tear down. They usually have two or three moms helping and it goes very fast. Sorry I can't offer anything more.
Hi C.! I know how tough it can be to feel like you are really working hard for a group and yet all your efforts go unappreciated. But (playing devil's advocate here) most of these kinds of issues are all due to the fact that there is a misunderstanding or lack of communication. I have been an active particpant in lots of different community and service groups, and have found that if you don't voice questions and concerns, then these kinds of things end up happening. And you need to remember, no one can take advantage of you without YOU letting it happen. Speak up for yourself! I would suggest talking to the officers (and it doesn't have to be all of them at one time -- so that way you won't feel intimidated. Maybe pick one that you think you'd have the easiest time speaking with) and explain the struggles that you are having and request the help you need. For the most part, people are pretty reasonable when something of this nature is brought to their attention. I am sure the officers realize how important your role is and do appreciate your efforts -- the key is that you all need to talk to each other! Hope this helps and good luck!
C.,
You ARE being used, and there is nothing I dislike more than women and clicks. I thought we left that in middle school, but I encounter it often.
You seem very nice, and probably don't want to rock the boat. I think you need to call a meeting with the officers, and voice your concerns. Write it all down so you don't get flustered and upset. Tell them that you take the time to get speakers and if they are going to change your agenda without consulting you, change meetings without consulting you, then you are prepared to step down and let one of them take over.
You could say that it seems as if they really seem to have it under control and that you don't think they need you in this position. Tell them you could use your time more productively and thank them for the "honor" of this position, but "they" really don't need you. You'll need to decide if you want to stay with the group. If you do, you could end by saying you'll be looking forward to the next get together. If not, you could say it was nice getting to know you all and I wish your group the best. Bye!
I myself am not much of a playgroup mom. I am 45 with 2 older kids, and one that is 8. We make play-dates with one of her friends and go back and forth between the different kids houses. Or once in awhile we will have all of us parents and kids together. We just had a Chocopalooza where we brought everything chocolate, plus some healthy snacks, the moms hung out and gabbed, the kids played. More laid back, not so structured.
Well, I wish you the best and hope it all works out for you. Remember, all because you are the new kid in town, don't let people take advantage of you.
R.
Dont want to sound like a bummer here...but welcome to the divas club..lol. You and put on a happy face and smile. With all ur best efforts u will still feel overwritten and so on. It is ideal to be in groups like this...keeps u active in the communtiy and into whats going on @ ur childs school. But many would agree...its really just a rat race...so many of these women are only there to feel importain and talk like teens. Its sad. I would let ur spot get filled and back away from a group like that. Maybe go on the dates there really are some importain matters to be determined. Go to ur schools Partent teacher confer. to keep up on ur kid..games...intervien in diff ways. Best of luck with this.
takecare
~R.~
On the one hand I do agree with and admire that you realize you made a commitment and others are depending on you. But that is a two way street and it sounds like they are not honoring your position or respecting your decisions and plans. I think of it as a "breech of contract" at which point you are no longer obligated to uphold your end if the other party is not upholding their end. I would suggest making a binder or notebook neatly organizing all the information you have (if you haven't already done so) so that the next poor soul has that information. You may also want to write a page of notes on what is missing but needed. I think you need to have an open meeting with these officers and explain to them that you cannot do your job in the current manner. If they want you to stay on in this capacity they need to respect that you are not their employee. There should be a small committee or group assigned each month for set-up and clean-up. It sounds like you joined this group to network and make some friends and it is not meeting your needs. Good luck - I hope my advice helps a little.
Hi "C.",
A few questions---- did you volunteer for this position, or were you asked to do it?
Are you really responsible for set up & clean up all by yourself? Usually these types of groups have sign ups or at least have committees to do that. If they expect you to do that all by yourslef, that's just wrong!
Is it possible that you volunteered for something, and are now just feeling a little overwealmed? Have you asked for help? Maybe if you aren't asking for help these officers just assume that you know what you are doing, or just think you're doing a great job....
Also, although some people who posted responses are assumeing that this group of officers are all Divas wrapped up in feeling impotant again by being in charge, it cound be the exact opposite.... maybe they are really laid back about the whole organization, and don't really expect as much as you think...
I know how I feel about the Moms group that I'm in. It's just a club, not a job or a real position... just a place to go & hang out & let my kids have fun & play :)
I hope that everything works out for you... also, if you're losing sleep over the position, feeling used, overwealmed,etc. just talk to the officers and quit the position is it's too much to handle! Nobody expects you to be superwoman... we're all Moms first and that's what's important. These groups are supposed to be for our children & to enrich us as mothers :)
Take Care,
Becca
C.,
It sounds like they are just using you. I would leave the group.You can do it formally, by writing a letter to the leader, maybe CC a copy to the other committee members. Stop making all arrangments, stop attending playdates, Find another group ASAP. If you leave them high and dry, maybe then they will appreciate what work you had done, and won't treat the next "sucker" the same way.. I am sorry if this sounds harsh, but I hate to see good people like you, being treated this way. It is a horrible group of woman who expect you to organize and set up and clean up all by yourself! Also if ANYONE asks why you left I would tell them exactly why. But you don't need this in your life. I would also remain friend with the ones you are good friends with. Set up playdates with only them. BUT you seriously need to be done with the others who treat you so poorly.
Take care,
Kathy
C.,
I applaud you for your willingness to volunteer! However, I think you might need to look for a different group. It is not right that they are doing this to you. Sometimes you just have to keep looking for a place that feels right. Good luck!
B.
