Feel like I Have Failed My 11 Year Old Son How Do I Go About Helping Change Thi

Sounds like you have 2 separate things going on.
Anxiety: If someone tells you that you are silly for worrying about something, does that help? To me, that's like people who yell at a crying child to stop crying. It makes no sense because it's never going to work. However, there are ways to help a child deal with his fears without validating them - that's the trick, right? Figuring out what to say that doesn't belittle your child but also doesn't validate the fear. Here are some tips: https://childmind.org/article/what-to-do-and-not-do-when-... If he's anxious enough that it is interfering with his life, please get him a counselor to help him develop strategies to cope with his worries.

Tween attitude: I tackle this in 2 ways. First and most important - pick your battles. I'm not going to discipline him over every eye roll. Yes it's disrespectful, but it's not worth the fight. Back talk results in being sent to his room immediately and until he's ready to apologize. Second - set up a system of rewards and consequences that are specific to your child. My child loves screen time in the evening, because that's when his friends are online playing a game that he likes to play with them. However, he has chores that he has to do before he can have screen time. For example, he doesn't get access to the computer or iPod until after the dishwasher is loaded after dinner. I don't fight with him about it. I simply don't give him access to his devices until that is done. How long it takes is up to him. He knows this, and so that chore gets done really quickly after dinner because he wants to play online with his friends. On weekend mornings, we clean the house - all of us. No one gets to do anything else until it's done - the TV does not get turned on, nothing. My kids know that the more they help, the faster it will go and the sooner we will get to the pool or they get to go outside with their friends or whatever. If no one is helping me, it could take all day which means that no one gets to do anything.

Does he have anxiety?

This sounds a bit like one of my kids. My child struggles with things a bit more than my other kids and can be a bit out of sorts.

He went to see a child psychologist once he hit puberty (I found the hormones didn't help) and she helped him with techniques on how to deal with what was troubling him. I think having an outlet to talk to was also good for him.

I went to a few sessions myself and learned how to better parent him.

The big thing I learned (from this site and moms) was just to listen. Every evening I'd just be available for him to talk to - to let this stuff out. I have to have a limit - otherwise it's a bit too much for me. When I get upset I just take a time out personally. When he's disagreeable, he takes a time out (just spends some downtime alone reading, etc.).

As for being disrespectful - he's not like that so much and he does help out. We have rules. You don't get to enjoy the rest of the things we all do if you can't show respect and pitch in. Do you have consequences? That makes it easier on us - everyone knows them and so I find for the most part, they're pretty good.

Added: You haven't failed your son. I was feeling that way, and feeling somewhat anxious about it myself ... which was stressing my son out. I wasn't responsible for him (got that great bit of advice from the moms here). His personality is how he is - I just can be there for him to listen to - and guide him. Sometimes we don't know how best to parent, but we haven't 'failed' them :)

I agree with others. These are two separate concerns.

First, with the disrespect and the refusal to help out: When your son speaks disrespectfully, don't show him that you've become upset. Ignore him, as though you're an Academy Award winning actor. Don't fret, sigh, make eye contact, or yell back. Then when he asks something nicely, respond immediately. Ignored behavior decreases, rewarded behavior increases (and the rewards aren't money or things, they're your attention, interaction, and respectful eye contact).

Now, regarding the refusal to help. I'm assuming you're talking about chores. Make sure they're clearly established, and reasonable. Make sure your standards are clearly explained. For example, if you expect him to keep his bathroom clean, don't just say "clean your bathroom". Instead, explain that towels are to be hung up, surfaces are to be wiped with a disinfectant cloth (those pop-up towels in the canisters that are disposable), laundry in hamper, etc. If you want him to "clean up after supper", then be clear. That means putting dirty dishes in the sink or dishwasher, wiping the table, or whatever. Often our instructions to our kids are vague and difficult to follow.

And make sure his responsibilities are predictable and consistent. It's chaotic for a kid to be told to do different things on different days depending on mom or dad's whims. Of course, there are emergencies (parent is sick, kid's got to make his own sandwich), but on a normal day, it helps to know what is expected on a routine basis. Have a chart or calendar. That way your son knows that every day he's responsible for feeding/walking the dog, hanging up his towel and putting his laundry in the hamper, emptying the dishwasher, whatever.

If he refuses to do anything that he's tasked with that is reasonable and within his capabilities around the house, then he simply loses the privileges that come with living in the home. No wi-fi. No rides to the mall or to friends. No phone. And make sure that the reasons are clear. Everyone that lives in the home has to do their part. Some pay the rent or mortgage. Some do the grocery shopping. Some cook. Everyone can clean and be responsible for their own space or possessions. And in return, the home functions smoothly and peacefully. Explain that if you didn't pay the electric bill or the water bill or the rent, there wouldn't BE a house to live in. And similarly, if he won't pitch in and do his assigned chores, he doesn't get to have a phone, or internet, or a computer, or pretty much anything else except school.

The worrying is another issue. Trying to convince someone who's anxious or worrying that there's nothing to worry about is like trying to convince someone with diabetes that their blood sugar shouldn't be so high. If he seems really worried, let him speak with a trained counselor.

But there are things you can do. My daughter's counselor helped her think about what is a reasonable fear and what is unreasonable. And then he helped her think about how to handle the situation. Example: unreasonable fear: zombies attacking the house. Reasonable fear: fire in the home. Method: say out loud that zombies are in movies, and stop watching zombie movies. Learn relaxing breathing techniques. About the fire possibility, conduct a safety check with your son as the safety inspector (look online for a checklist, such as frayed wires, smoke detectors working, knowing how to call 911 and the home address, establishing a meeting spot outside, etc). Give your son the power over what he's worrying about, if the fear is possible or reasonable. He's afraid of bullies at school? Enroll him in Tae Kwon Do or some kind of self defense. He's afraid of getting yelled at by a teacher for not doing his work? Help him establish an organized study center, get a homework planner, help him set a time for doing homework, set up an area by the door for reminders, his backpack, permission slips, etc.

Bottom line, be consistent, be clear, make your consequences logical and established in advance, give your son power over what worries him, and get him a couple of visits with a counselor so that both he and you have tools to work with. And establish the code for the house regarding disrespectful language (make sure you follow it too), and don't respond to rudeness.

Perfect response from mynewnickname. Read it 3 times. Separate the issues - you can't talk a person out of anxiety (trying to may make it even worse) and he may need professional help. And a counselor can help you to implement some good techniques for that as well as discipline/parenting.

And do exactly what she said about the chores/disrespect. He wants SOMETHING from you: a ride somewhere, allowance, screen time, having a friend over, etc. The more he participates as a cooperative family member, the more he gets.

Talk to your pediatrician about it.
I think everyone has things that pop into their minds that we worry about.
Silly or not - most of us find ways to cope with mild anxiety/stress.
Listen to music, take a walk or exercise, many women burn it off by cleaning house/vacuuming/scrubbing, etc.
But some people just can't keep their thoughts from whirling no matter what they do - and that's when a doctor can help get things back on track.
11 yrs old is almost or about when middle school starts - and ALL the kids are anxious about it whether they seem like it or not.
He's not alone even if he feels like he is.

When teaching new tasks/chores to do:
First - show him how it's done - he should watch you and take notes if he wants to
Second - next time you and he do it together - and talk about stuff while you're doing it
Third - next time HE'S doing it while you supervise/watch and prompt him if steps are skipped.
Repeat the third step a few times - the important thing is that by doing it himself it helps to imprint the procedure into his brain.
Fourth time - when he's doing it ask if he needs anymore help/supervision.
By then he should know all about how it's done and he just needs to do it when asked.

PRAISE HIM for being such a good helper.
Tell others (especially when he can hear) how great he is.
(Our son has always been an avid reader and for being such a great kid I've never told him "No" at the book store.)

And by now he should have it down.
By 12 yrs old our son was doing his own laundry.
He takes trash from rooms in the house (bathrooms/kitchen) and recycling to bins into he garage, and on trash pickup day he gets the bins to/from the curb.
He helps bring groceries in from the car and puts them away.
He puts dirty dishes into the dishwasher and puts clean dishes away.
He helps with meal preparation and knows how to make some good dishes.
We've taught him how to use a chain saw and many other tools.
He can check fluids under the hood of the car.
He helps with ANYTHING that I'm doing in the house/yard without grumbling about it.

He's 18 now and we're pretty proud how well we've prepared him for life/college.
The only thing I have left to teach him is how to clean his own bathroom.

I knew so many guys who went to college and were clueless about how to do their laundry - and they ruined clothes.
I was determined that no child of mine would leave my house as a laundry virgin.