Hi all. I have a 2 yr old and he is a very strong willed, 'i want it my way or ill scream' type of kid. I have always been kinda layed back, but recently I had enough and became drill sargeant mom. I put my foot down and no longer let my son get away with bad behavior. I layed down a pretty good disciplinary foundation and I think I suprised my son to see me take on such a role. However, I think the foundation is set, and I can turn it down but a bit, but I dont know how to turn it off. We were at a large park today where there were lots of other kids. My son automatically wanted to start taking other peoples strollers. I told him 'NO, we do not touch other peoples stuff" and he backed off immediently without any fuss (before he would throw a complete meltdown). I love the fact that my son is finally starting to listen to me and behave, however, it felt like the whole time we were there, I was doing nothing but shouting out nos. I didnt get to have any fun with him at all, and he didnt look like he wanted to have fun with me. Im afraid my son doesnt see me as a friend anymore, only a disciplinarian. I want to have a close friendship with my son while still holding down the place of an authoritative mommy. How can I find a balance?
Read "Kids are Worth It" by Barbara Coloroso.
Another fantastic book is "Playful Parenting" by Lawrence Cohen. He puts his foot down and still keeps it fun.
Watch Super Nanny NO one wants a large person hovering over them yelling at them ( I dont!) Unless he's running into the street, walk over to him, bend down till you're eye to eye and say it in a very quiet very firm voice. Try the Dr Karp method of valuing his feelings "You think that looks like a lot of fun. You love to push things. But those aren't ours and we can't touch them. You can push your push toy when we get home."
Being a Mom is way more important than being a friend.
Being a Mom means making the tough calls that are for his own good whether he likes it or not.
My son use to cry when I didn't let him run out into the street.
It was better that he cry, because nothing ruins your day faster than getting hit by a car.
Other kids like to play with kids who understand rules and boundaries.
By setting those boundaries now, you've paving the way for him to make real friends his own age.
You've set a foundation where your son listens to you and respects what you say (and does not blow up when you say it).
Do not back off now.
Eventually the yelling will drop off as he knows how to behave and doesn't do things that require you yelling after him.
You are into the terrible 2's which are followed by the terrible 3's but once that is done, communication and understanding really make 4 yr olds a lot easier to deal with.
It will get better. Hang in there!
Balance schmalance-you're doing a wonderful job-and tempering everything with love-you're teaching how to behave in public-I call that admirable-of course, my ex FIL used to call me General-and my children often called me Sir.
Look for ways to say something positive – this will probably require practice until you get the swing of it. Instead of "NO! Don't do that," look for ways to give a diversionary message instead, "Here, Buddy, let's check out the swings," or "Hey, can you hop on one foot over to me?" or "If you can climb this slide, I'll help you slide down!"
Start scoping out the landscape when you enter the park, a store, etc., for a couple of diversionary ideas. You can probably get pretty good at this with a bit of practice. I second using Dr. Karp's approach, too: empathize and redirect. "Yes, sweetie, I KNOW how much you'd like to do that. YES, it would be fun…" to capture his attention and let him know you care. Then move his attention to something he can do or have.
Strong-willed kids need inventive, playful mommies to get through the toddler years with a minimum of drill-sergeanting. There are some wonderful books that can help you improve these skills, which you may not have seen modeled much when you were a baby. Besides The Happiest Toddler on the Block, others books that have really improved my 'granny strokes' are Playful Parenting by Lawrence J. Cohen, PhD., and How to Talk So Kids Will Listen, and Listen So Kids Will Talk, by Faber and Mazlish.
I've also heard glowing recommendations for a book I haven't read yet: Raising Your Spirited Child: A Guide for Parents Whose Child Is More Intense, Sensitive, Perceptive, Persistent, and Energetic by Mary Kurcinka.
Lots of young families I know have revolutionized their parenting with these books. You are asking a wonderful question!
I think if its not broke... dont fix it! To have such a turn around you need MAJOR kudos!!! Stick with it! When he is doing something that requires a 'NO' type of answer, just re-phrase what you would normally say and take out the no.. Rather than.. "No, dont go on the monkey bars." switch it to something like..."hey, lets go on the swings, the monkey bars are dangerous." Same result without the NO.
A park is a big place to not have discipline.
Instead of just him running around and you following, try narrowing the options. Play on the swings, play in the sandbox. Hold his hand instead of chasing. Try to find your inner kid again. While eating dirt is frowned upon, having a dirt fight isn't!
One of the most spontaneous things I've ever done or let my son do was when we were on vacation at Myrtle Beach. We had gone to Broadway at the Beach. My son was around 2.5y. Cute little blond thing. There is a walking bridge where you can feed the LARGE fish. At the other end is a sidewalk level fountain. The kind where its marked off and lots of little jets shoot water up from the ground. I was sitting there resting and my son was getting antsy. He was in regular clothes, but had water shoes on. He wanted to play in the water. There was no one else there. Sure, go ahead, I have more clothes in the car! So he did!! He had a blast. People started stopping to watch him. Laughing. Enjoying watching him. He was having so much fun and getting so drenched. People were stopping and taking pics. There was a guy from the newspaper there that took his pic. It was just a good all-around fun time!! Then it started raining, but we didn't care!!
.... we went back the next year, and that was THE THING!! There were a ton of kids there doing what he had done the year before! We didn't join them that time cuz it was more of the 'been there, done that, started the trend :-)' ... he's now 9y and that is still one of his best memories and he mentions it every now and then.
M.
Keeping your son disciplined is loving him, but remember he is only 2 and does want to be himself and explore independently. Don't discourage that, just set limits and stick to them. Also, compromise on what you consider "bad behavior" versus being a toddler. If it doesn't affect his safety, then make it a learning experience instead of saying no for every thing.
I think it is awesome that you have been able to take on the role of disciplining your son when he needs it; I think that is the thing I've struggled with the most (and still struggle with). Sometimes it is hard to discipline even when they need it, because you feel like you are being so mean. But it is absolutely necessary in order for your son to understand what behavior is okay and what is not okay. So good for you!
I would say that now that he is beginning to listen to you more, try to reinforce his good behavior. When you notice him behaving well, praise him for it (for specific behavior, like "Thank you for listening when I told you not to touch the stroller"). And try to come up with games or things that the two of you can do together that don't involve any discipline or potential problems. Like reading together while you cuddle, or chasing him around the playground or backyard (my kids love it when we do that, and it's a good workout!). I think that as long as you try to have as many positive experiences together as possible, it will balance out the moments of discipline. Good luck! :-)
I agree with Sandy L. Watch the SuperNanny. It helped me a lot. I got my discipline method from her. Works wonderfully- and you don't feel like a drill seargent.
Mellow down the no. If you can only get a response from yelling no then discipline won't be able to be enforced when you want to be a normal person instead of a yelling person lol. I would say mellow out of the yelling and such and if he doesn't listen follow through on time out. I do 1,2,3 magic on my daughter recently and it works. The park I understand if their someone elses stroller, I have told my daughter, hey babe that isn't ours don't play with it...come play on the slide (swing, etc). I just redirected her somewhere else, no yelling no stress and I got to play with her :) I think if you say no and be mellow and do it the way you want discipline to go down then follow through with a time out if he consistently doesn't listen then it will get to the point where there is a balance.
Sounds like your going to have to make a conscious effort to not be a drill sergeant for a while until you see this works.
