My Meanie 3 Yr Old

Three is young to be able to understand the importance of sharing. My son at three was very selfish. However at five, he shared almost all the time. I don't think she can really understand the concept, that other people are sad when they don't have it, and that she will get it back in a bit.

For a very different yet very effective way to parent, pick up Lawrence Cohen's book "Playful Parenting". You still are getting her to do what she should, except now she thinks it's HER idea. ;o)

Threes can be really thankless at times. Hang in there and keep remembering that it's not personal. It's just her stage of development.

Instead of focusing on "no," try flipping it around as much as you can to praise. For instance, if you see her playing nicely with other kids, even for a tiny stretch, compliment her. When she makes good choices, more praise. Notice the little things she is doing well, whether it's eating a good dinner, drawing a pretty picture, whatever. That way, the attention she's getting is largely positive. With some kids, they may even see negative attention as attention and it furthers the problem. Also consider heading off the problem before playdates. For instance, you might tell her if she's good about sharing with her friends, you'll take her to the park after the playdate.

The problems you've described are really common. Who REALLY wants to share, when it comes down to it? Would you want to share your car, for instance, with friends? It's not easy to learn to share.

Three is a really difficult age. I've found with both our kids it was much harder than two.

Have you considered that she may not be entirely sure what "Play Nice" or "Share" mean or what they mean to you? Perhaps try playing with her and give her examples of what playing nice is like and what sharing is like. Then also role play examples of the behavior you would like her to change so that she can clearly understand the difference. Children at 3 years old learn by example and repetition. It may just be that she does not know what your expectations are and needs a clear example. I went through this with my daughter and the "be a good listener" phrase. As it turns out she did not know what that meant and once we did some role playing and over exaggerating of praise, a few times she then knew "how" to be a good listener. I also agree with CAWrittermom, in over doing the praising the things she does right. Children at this age really do want to please you, so let her know that she does. When my DD was 3 I felt as though she had suddenly become a different person with all these behaviors that really irritated me. I found that over exaggerating praise on ANYTHING she did correctly, made a world of difference. It seems too simple, that it won't work, but give it a shot, it may just be the cure. If your daughter knows you will praise her for making the right choice, she is more likely to do it. You will not have to over exaggerate forever, just long enough to get her through this phase.
Good Luck

lmao - my 3 yr old girl is the meanest little thing. She is hard to win over, but once you do, I think her love is even more special because she doesn't just give it to anybody. I have to hide my smiles and giggles sometimes. While I don't want her to be a bully, I also secretly admire her strength, determination, and assertiveness. I know noone will ever run over my little "crusher." Seriously - that's her nickname - The crusher! She gave it to herself and we all thought it was perfect. I try to treat her meanness like any other unacceptable behavior. I show my disaproval and do not give in to it. I require proper manners or everything comes to a halt until she can find her "good girl." I show a lot of positive reinforcement when she shows kind and loving behaviors. But honestly, she's always been a litle crusher. It's her personality. My 4 yr old son on the other hand is a real sweetheart. I try to work on the negative behaviors, while accepting that my meanie is who she was created to be. She must be called for someing big in life to need to be so strong willed. I love and accept even the meanness in my little princess. My biggest challenge with her is establishing myself firmly as the authority now, because I know she will be a force to be reckoned with as a teenager!! yikes!

I have found with my son we do a lot better when we use positive instruction rather than negative. The problem is that they want to have control, so rather than telling them what they can't do, it works to tell them what they can do. Rather than say "Don't throw your food on the floor." (a common problem at our house), try "If you don't want the food just leave it on your plate." Or if she is having trouble sharing a particular toy you can say "Would you like to play with this puzzle or this book?" Give her options. And then when she does what you suggested instead of the negative behavior make sure you give her lots of praise and let her know that you are glad she's listening. We try to reserve "No" for times when there is actually a safety risk. My son gets a firm "No hitting" when he does that and if he doesn't listen he gets a timeout, but for instruction on behavior that is just bratty or annoying we try to use more positive instruction. If you are constantly saying no to her she's going to repeat it back, it's just the way kids learn. And they love to imitate us, so if we are positive and kind in our instruction they have more positive interactions with other people as well.

Telling her constantly what to do or not to do is more than likely part of your problem, J.. Your daughter is at an age where it is important for her to get plenty of choices and practice at making decisions. It's also not normal for kids this age to be able to share. They are just at the leading edge of understanding what that's about, and they have very little impulse control yet. Hearing "NO" or "SHARE" all the time doesn't make things easier for her to understand or to do, only more frustrating.

This doesn't mean you should not teach her what's right, only that there are easier ways to do it. Two resources that have worked very well for some young families I'm acquainted with, and have been fabulous with my 4.5yo grandson:

Check out books and videos about the approach used by Dr. Harvey Karp; The Happiest Toddler on the Block. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fJ1428uYs2g&NR=1&f... . He will demonstrate in this (and several related video clips) exactly how he "speaks" the toddler's language, gets on their wavelength, so they know he's on their team. This makes them happy to be on his team.

Also, the book How to Talk So Kids Will Listen, and Listen So Kids Will Talk, by Faber and Mazlish. As your child develops, the wisdom in this book will make it a resource you reach for again and again. It's my current favorite with my 4.5yo grandson. The techniques and ideas are mutually respectful, and they work brillliantly.

And I've seen this approach turn around some seriously scary behavior in a couple of young families who have tried it. Your daughter is probably an easier case, and the techniques start making a positive difference very quickly. Do remember that your daughter's brain centers for emotional control and making good choices are still far from developed, though. If you don't expect too much from her, you'll both have more fun.

Hi, Dollie:
First of all, your title of meanie 3 yr old is labeling your daughter.
Separate the deed from the doer or the problem from the child.
Why is it important to you for her to share and play nice?
Do you costantly tell her "no"?
Are you her role model?

The book, To Listen to a child by Dr. T. B erry Brazelton
might be helpful.

Some questions to ask your daughter when you want to know about her feelings woul be, on her level.

1. What happened?
2. What were you thinking of at the time?
3. What have you thought about since?
4. Who has been affected by what you have done? In what way?
5. What do you think you need to do to make things right?

You can ask yourself these questions to when your daughter does behavior that you feel is inappropriate.

Just a thought.
Good luck. D.

I think some of the comments so far are pretty accurate. If your always telling her 'no', then when is she hearing 'yes' and positive reinforcement? I was told that's why kids learn the word no before the word yes. I don't know how you talk to your child but if you are yelling at her not to do something then that's what she is going to know. You could try 'we don't do that, let's do this instead'... that kind of thing. Kids have a hard time sharing at this age and one of the things I'm doing with my 2 1/2 year old is 'taking turns'. We start out in small time increments. And I'll say 'it's Gunnar's turn' then play with something for like a minute or 2 then 'it's mommy's turn' and if he gets mad about it then I ask him if I should put the toy away (he usually sulks and says no) and I say that we have to share then. Works more times than not. His early intervention teacher said that toddlers understand 'taking turns' more than 'share' because they know that they will get their toy back. So all-in-all, I suggest taking a look at how your leading by example when talking to your daughter and change your tone of voice, how you word things and try to replace the word 'no' with something else. Oh and when she does do something good, make a big deal out of it and give lots of praise! It really goes a long way.

In our house, the kids don't always have to share. They have their own stuff. They only have to share it with the baby, not yank it form her if she comes and tries to touch it.

BUT. They do have to do what we say, and they're not allowed to be mean or bratty. This includes when we're out with friends or in public, they know they DO have to share if we say so with other kids, and not defy us, and not throw any fits or get angry.

It's not about the sharing, it's ALWAYS about doing what you say, and stopping wrong (aggressive or tantrummy) behavior when you say so. She DOES have control over her behavior at 3 when you tell her to be nice once you have instilled it.

We always gave one calm warning to stop at the beginning of any aggressive, tantrummy, mean brattiness, and told them that they would lose the toy immediately AFTER a consequence if they continued, and then one firm swat if it continued for even a second as well as losing the toy-as we had warned. We never got upset or let it escalate. After only a couple of times for each child, they didn't begin the habit, and have been able to stop an outburst at just a warning since somewhere around 2. But this was easy due to consistency with other things and early training, a 3 year old in the habit of being mean would take more repetition.
If I hear some sort of escalation brewing, I'll ask casually: "Do you guys need my help resolving that?" and they'll go back to playing nicely. This works in public, wherever.
Conversely, they don't always have to behave. I let them fight and go nuts sometimes too if it's just us at home alone and I don't mind. But they know whenever I SAY SO, they have to listen. You don't want to be always bearing down on them about stuff. This way they see there is a time and place for everything, and you're being fair. At first when it clicks she'll superficially choose praise over swats (which still works), but her own conscious will take over quickly once you set the boundaries effectively. Both my kids liked to share by 3 and they're very sweet kids. Same with their cousins raised this way. Even when they're "fighting" they're constantly saying, "sorry" and "are you ok?" and "OK, let's be nice now" and sharing voluntarily.