Feel Bad - I Hurt His Feelings

If he is that out of it when he gets woken up suddenly then he should not be the one holding the gun, you need to get the training you need to be able to handle it effectively or it should stay in the safe until he is fully awake. He could have shot you, next time he could shoot a child who just happened to be in the kitchen getting a drink or something.

He should not have the gun out even if there is an intruder. Statistics say that this is not safe. The intruder is likely to either take away your gun and shoot you with it or has a gun himself and shoots you in self defense.

Another reason he shouldn't have the gun is he doesn't remember last night and blames you. If he isn't able to acknowledge his actions as true, he won't see the need to change anything he does. He does need to hold the gun pointing down..I'm aware of people looking for an intruder shoot a family member thinking they are the intruder. Or shoot in reaction to the adrenaline coursing through their body.

I saw a man trying to get in my bedroom through a window. I have a gun. As a retired police officer, I called 911. I didn't even consider getting my gun. I stayed in the house and waited for the police to arrived.

I suggest that having an alarm system should take most of the fear out of the decision to get the gun. You know someone will call you. They will call the police as they did this time. You also know that you've locked all the doors and windows. The possibility of having an intruder in your house is extremely unlikely. In reality, there are very few thieves who enter occupied houses. Life on TV is extremely dramatized. Real life is nothing like the TV dramas.

I have never responded to an alarm in a situation where there was an actual intruder on the property. Most burglars run once that alarm is activated. And by far the majority of alarms are a glitch in the system. Wind sets them off. A very brief break in electrick power will set them off. An accident with the car slamming into a power pole will set them off. I've seen those accidents.

If you and your husband had an angry conversation, I'd apologize. I'd say we need to talk about this when we're both calm. The gun he was pointing in your direction could have fired depending on the type of gun. If there is a safety lock that should be on unless you are actually facing a danger. You see the intruder and know he's a stranger. Even then don't shoot until you know he has a gun or knife. Just having the alarm go off is not sufficient to believe there is an intruder. Leave the gun in the gun safe. Unless one has intensely trained including shoot/don't shoot scenarios, the gun belongs in the gun safe. Target practice alone is not enough to prepare us for possible intruders. It's important to have thought thru different scenarios to know when to and when not to shoot.
Gun safety also includes keeping the gun pointed down or better yet to put it in the waistband if possible.

The situation was serious enough for the two of you to discuss it. If he'd said, "geez, I'm sorry " you wouldn't have needed to convince him and his feelings wouldn't have been hurt. You are not responsible to make him feel good. Each one of us are responsible for how we feel. Each one of us is responsible for making sure we are safe.

I've read of a couple of cases in which the intruder was shot. Afterwards the police learned the intruder thought he was on his own house.

I'm glad that nothing was wrong at your house. Wanted to say that first...

That being said, now I'm going to blunt. Stop worrying about hurting your husband's feelings. He is looking at this ALL WRONG. It does NOT matter if he has lots of gun training and knows how to handle a gun. You both know he is not able to wake up quickly and thoroughly, even in a perceived crisis. If he has trouble answering the police questions, then he has no business handling a GUN. It's as if he is drugged. He's not capable.

YOU go get the training. YOU handle the gun in the middle of the night. NOT him.

Now is not the time to worry about hurt feelings. The last thing you need in your lives is a dead or maimed person in an accidental shooting (and I'm not talking about an intruder who means you all harm.) The last thing you need is medical bills up the wazoo. The last thing you need is to have to go to court because your husband is charged with manslaughter. The last thing you need is people who KNOW your husband can't wake up being called up on the stand to talk about this and then YOU being called up on the stand and being asked why you didn't stop it.

Being held responsible is one thing. Having to live with the guilt that YOU didn't prevent him from being an idiot is another. Don't let him be an idiot. During the day, okay. In the middle of the night, NO.

I'm sorry. Neither one of you is qualified to have a gun because you are dealing with contingencies after they happen and not doing anywhere near the preparation needed. No one should have a gun unless they are fully trained AND that training can be employed automatically in a crisis. You both failed that test.

When I was a kid, we had a plan for when the fire alarm went off - everyone had a place to go (a meeting place outside the house), and NO ONE was to go back inside to get someone who wasn't there. No exceptions. No discussion of whether it was a false alarm or not. You train, and you implement the training every time. That's for a fire alarm. And you are dealing with a fire ARM!

Your husband is dealing with his hurt feelings (read: his ego) and you are dealing with whether your comments were appropriate. No one is really dealing with the fact that he pointed a gun at you. He could have pointed it at the children who might have run down the hall or slammed a door. You had enough time to say, "Whoa, point the gun down." You are so incredibly lucky that A) you had time to say it, B) he had time to say "Ooops" and C) he wasn't so out of it that he fired the gun. But if it had been a real intruder, he would have wasted valuable time, and the intruder would have overpowered him or fired first. So where's the benefit? And what if your kids had run down the hall and neglected to say, "Hey, Dad, it's me, your child, Sam. Please don't shoot me"???

My son used to do dog care for a neighbor. They had a special alarm code for "guests" in such situations, but they neglected to set it properly. So my son went in as scheduled to walk the dogs, punched in a code that didn't work which set off a silent alarm, and the alarm company got the signal and called the owners. The couple came home, no one called the police, and the homeowner decided to be a cowboy and grabbed a gun and started looking under beds and behind doors. My son, meanwhile, heard someone coming in, and was frightened. He hid in a closet. Any guesses about what happened next?

You and your husband want to have an intellectual discussion about who did the right thing, who was asleep, who was coherent enough to talk to the police (leaving the least coherent person in charge of a gun), and then get into a debate on whose feelings were hurt. I think you're missing the bigger issue.

There is no way, if I were a parent of your children's friends, that I would ever - EVER - allow my child in your home. It doesn't matter that you are probably very nice people who would feel terrible if my child were shot. It doesn't matter.

For God's sake, get rid of the gun! What if one of your children walked out of the bathroom - hubby could have shot him/her because he didn't know they were in there. You guys are not people who should have a gun - hubby half asleep and all. And even if your kids are in their rooms, bullets go through walls all the time. ARe you going to have the presence of mind to be sure you're not shooting in the direction of the children's room? Are you going to say to the intruder "excuse me, please move to the left so I can shoot you without taking the chance of shooting my child who is just on the other side of that door." You weren't wrong to bring it up; I'd rather hurt my hubby's feelings than watch him shoot a member of his own family. Take this as a wake-up call and get rid of the gun!

80 of all homicides are by people who know each other. I think you guys are nuts to have a loaded gun by your bed. What is the chance that someone is going to break in and hurt you? Your chances of killing each other is higher. Seriously, how often are intruders?

Sorry to be blunt, but I would rather have no gun in the house than have your husband handling it. No way, especially with kids in the house. He is delusional, like mamazita says, if he thinks his "oops sorry" and being well trained with a gun work together.

No you weren't wrong to bring it up. In the very least, I would keep the gun unloaded. Going through the house at the first possible sign of an intruder (like an alarm going off) doesn't necessitate going through the house with a loaded gun like Yosemite Sam. If there is a perceived legitimate threat, and your husband is experienced, he should have no trouble loading it quickly. Also, loading the gun will require the cognitive ability that comes with being fully awake, so if he's not awake enough to load it, then he shouldn't be holding a loaded gun at all.

The kids know to stay in their rooms with their doors closed, you say. What if there's an intruder at their window, or a fire, or a medical emergency, or they panic and forget the rules?

This is a serious situation. You have alarms. You have a security company. I say, change the lock or the code to the gun safe and keep it to yourself. Make sure you know it. Let the alarm company deal with it.

Hurt feelings are the least of your problems. Stand up and protect your family. Your husband can't be trusted while he's asleep. That's not a criticism. It's a fact.

YOU feel bad that you hurt his feelings?
Does HE feel bad that he pointed a loaded weapon at you?
Geeze Louise, the man could use some MORE training!
Time for a refresher course - seriously!

Wow, he's delusional, he doesn't sound "well trained" at all. Personally I'd stop worrying about his feelings and more about the lives of myself and my kids, I mean really, he doesn't remember it? What if it was one of your kids moving around the house in the night (a bad dream? sleepwalking? sick? scared?) and he pointed and God forbid he slipped and shot one of them?
He sounds like a big, irresponsible baby, not a man at all. Sorry :-(

ETA: Re-read Marda P's response. She's a retired police officer and knows how difficult it is to handle firearms in emergency situations, even with advanced training. Target practice and just passing qualifications for licensing does not translate into knowing when to shoot or not shoot. There are many safety points you need to put into place if you are going to have firearms for protection. You and your husband really need to talk through this and come to an understanding regarding gun safety and seek the appropriate training and guidance from a licensed firearms professional.

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You are focusing on the wrong issue. You need to reorder your priorities. Your first priority needs to be safety. Feelings aren't the issue here.

No amount of training and experience can make up for someone who is not working with all of his/her faculties. Your husband cannot wake up fully, and that means when he is in that state, his faculties are impaired. He can't even remember important details of the night's events. He wasn't awake and alert enough to realize that it was you and that he was pointing a loaded gun at you. THIS IS A SERIOUS PROBLEM! No one should be handling a loaded firearm under such circumstances.

You cannot guarantee that you or your children will be able to stay in your bedrooms in an emergency situation, so that is not a workable plan.

I suggest if you are going to keep a firearm, you seek additional education and training so you can come up with a plan that actually keeps you safe and does not put you or anyone in your family at risk.

If your husband has hurt feelings over this, then he isn't mature or responsible enough to be in charge of a firearm.

He has acknowledged that he is hard to wake and not with the program in the middle of the night. If he really does have all that gun safety and handling experience, he should know that NO ONE who is impaired (no matter how much training) should be handling a gun. You are right to insist that some thing needs to change.

What if the alarm had gone off because one of the kids left the house to pick up a toy they left outside? What if one of them is sleep walking? What happens when they get older and try to sneak out (and don't tell me that your kids wouldn't do that, because they might)?

If he can't be mature enough to know when he isn't fit to hold a gun (or throws a hissy fit because you point it out), then he isn't mature enough to own a gun -- Especially with kids in the house.

This is how people get shot! So scary!

Your husband may have gone to training, but he isn't applying what he learned.

Since your husband is a deep sleeper and groggy upon waking (mine is too) he isn't fit to handle a gun in that state. It's not about his feelings, it is just reality. I suggest he use the baseball bat in the corner method of handy weaponry.

You say that the gun was already loaded. Between the impaired handler, the pre-loaded weapon, and your husband's ego, your household has ticked at least three checkboxes for ending up in the news as a gun-fail story.

If you suspect someone is breaking in, the FIRST thing you do is call 911. The very first. Since you have an alarm, perhaps your service does that for you.

Only after you confirm that someone is in or entering the house - voices, a shattering window, pounding at the door - should you go for the (unloaded) gun. Imminent danger is the right time, not "just in case".

And when I say 'you' I mean You specifically, not him. A man who lets his feelings interfere with logic and reason should not handle a gun in a high-stress situation. This is assuming that you are personally calm, comfortable, and trained to be confident handling it. If not, then a gun is not the appropriate choice for personal safety in your home.

If our alarm goes off we don't immediately run for the guns. We keep one in our bedroom and one on the first floor. We have never had to take either of them out, and our alarm goes off occasionally as well.

I am very pro gun and see no issue with you all having one for personal protection or hunting or any reason other than breaking the law, but it doesn't sound like your husband should handle it if he isn't awake. That's gun safety 101, don't point it unless you're going to shoot it.

First, do not feel bad for hurting his feelings. I would be upset with my husband if he accidentally pointed a gun at me and vise versa. The first rule is to never point it at someone unless you have no choice but to use it.

We also own guns, but they are the last thing either of us would grab if we heard a noise (since we have one child living with us and a dog). Since you have an alarm I wouldn't have even bothered getting it out. Anyone breaking in would run once the alarm went off and not even entered the house.

We keep ours to protect our home too, but where I live it would take the police 40 minutes or more to reach us in an emergency.

I suggest you both come up with an emergency plan (and practice it) and make sure the kids have a safe place to wait, like a closet or somewhere to hide (with the exception of a fire). This way everyone knows what to do in an emergency and/or where to meet up outside in case of a fire, etc.

Having a plan keeps everyone safe. It's OK to own a gun, you both just need to know when it is absolutely needed and how to carry it with out pointing it at everyone/anyone.

Also, no one can predict what would happen with an intruder. We can train and learn all kinds of things to do, but no one really knows how they will react until it happens.

He may very well know how to handle a gun properly, when he is fully alert and awake. He wasn't last night. And you know he is a hard/heavy sleeper. Maybe the rule should be that *you* are the one to handle the gun during sleeping hours, and *he* manages it during daytime hours. Or something to that effect. Because people who are heavy sleepers and take a long time to wake up, are not unlike someone who is drunk. They are not fully in control of their faculties. That is not an indictment of his ability with a firearm. Only a point of fact concerning his level of wakefulness and how that impacts his judgment.

His "argument" was that he's had training and is competent. There is no argument there. The issue is that he was still half asleep. Nobody does things to the best of their abilities in that state. No one.

Good luck.

This is a life and death matter. If your husband gets his feelings hurt that easily, I don't know what to tell you. Maybe he needs to grow up?

No, you weren't wrong to bring it up. It certainly needs to be discussed, so that one of your family members doesn't accidentally get shot. I can't imagine feeling bad for my husband because he pointed a loaded gun at me. I'd be pissed.

It's time to get comfortable discussing difficult things with your husband. If you can't have important discussions with him without his feelings getting hurt, you will never be able to resolve anything, and you will have many problems in your marriage.

If he is this hard to wake up I would have him do a sleep study right away. That's not normal. What if it was the smoke alarm and you had to get out of the house? Tip him out the window and hope he doesn't fall on his head? No one should be sleeping that hard.

Other than that he's not coherent enough to handle any weapons. Don't be stupid and get killed. YOU are in control of the gun and searching the house. The way to find out for reals that someone is in the house is to get dead because someone is in the house. Don't be like that. Handle the gun yourself and stay in your bedroom with the gun to your side or under your pillow so you can shoot someone if they bust into your room.