Fed Up!!! - North Granby,CT

If he is rude at dinner if he complains about his toys make him take them to good will himself and he puts them in the bim himself. When he has nothing then he will really have nothing good

Hi A.,

Have you tried taking your older son to volunteer at a soup kitchen, or some other charity/volunteer activity w/ those who don't have as much as he does. Maybe by him realizing how fortunate he is, maybe he'll begin to appreciate what he has. Community service is good for everyone, the people we help and ourselves. Start him young and you may see a difference in his attitude.

It's just a suggestion, a different approach, since the other things you've tried haven't helped.

Good luck to you and try to have a very Happy Thanksgiving.

T.

I read the other responses and all were good. I especially liked the one about taking stuff away and letting him earn them back, but he is still young and my not get the idea. All kids are different. I had five of my own and was not able to deal with them in a similar way. What one liked the other didn't. I took a course based on the psychologist Dr. Atkins whose basic premise was that children need to learn from consequences, I thought the theory was great, and still do but not easy to carry out in a very liberal, permissive society, where other did not back you up when needed to do so. For example, my daughter refused to wear socks. She hated them, even when it was cold out. My insistance did no good. So I sent her out and when she got good and cold, she learned she needed those socks. Of course safety is a concern so as a parent one has to keep the upper hand on some experiences. Her nursery school teacher got mad at me for sending her without socks. She had no idea what a fight it was everyday. So I pinned her socks onto her bag and sent them to school that way. I trained the teacher at the same time. I used to make lunches for my son to save money. When he didn't like the lunches, he ditched them. Little did I know he was getting school lunches until I got a call that I owed money ot the school. I was upset. I told the school if he didn't want to take my lunch, too bad. I know he would not starve. Of course the teacher response was he is too young not to eat. Well my son took advantage of those situations to learn that he did not have to take responsibility for anything if someone else would come to his rescue. This made school work difficult for him. In general I would offer each meal to my kids and if they didn't eat it, too bad. Certainly I made things they wanted, but I always told them I was not running a restaurant. I think the more you make an issue over eating or anything else, it can become a bigger issue and the kids know how to push your buttons. I had a whiny kid too. I guess if I were using the Atkins approach, I wouldn't go out with the kid or I'd walk out when the whining starts. If it is bad now, wait until he gets older and his friends get more expensive, better xmas gifts, than he thinks he got. It is not about keeping up with the Jones's. There is not one easy answer. Try giving gifts to charity one time and give none to your kids, explaining that this is the real meaning of the holiday. It would be hard for them and you, but I think your son may never forget it. Or limit the gifts to one thing. I eventually cut down on our Chanukah tradition and once they were old enough,we went in for a family gift that we could all use, like a TV or a table tennis set, etc. Afterall, they ended up getting stuff all year around anyway. None of my kids were terribly picky eaters. I never made an issue over food. I served, we ate that was it. Do you think getting a cat or dog would help? I am a firm believer that pets bring a level of love and responsibility into the house.Just a thought, but it's another element of care that mamma ends up taking care of, but sometimes it takes the attention off what the kids wants and show them that the animals need attention also. Perhaps an idea for a family gift? One more thing, medical problems are tough. Again I say treat them in a a matter of fact way. We all have to deal with our medical issues, be it allergies or colds or chronic illnesses. The bigger issue made, the more attention the child will want or act up about. Not that the child does not need love and attention,he does. But it is how the situation is dealt with that makes a difference. I know it is not easy, but do not walk on eggshells with him. The real world will not do that and it will be a constant problem if his attitude continues in the same matter.Do give him some private time without his younger brother tagging along; that might help. My thoughts will be with you. Get help if you need it and maybe join some parenting groups. These are very helpful and supportive. LN

to me it's obvious that your older son is jealous! don't get me wrong here, i truly feel for you with your second son, no one wishes an unhealthy child on anyone. but your older one had you to himself for four years. then this other person comes into your life and takes the spotlight off of him. this happens with any healthy child, now you have one that has special needs, requires more of your time on a daily basis, and one that you have to change your house and life for. wouldn't you be jealous? i mean i know that you have no choice but to tend to your second more, but truly,maybe just try to leave your second child with family or friends on a weekly basis. just one day a week to have a special day with your first son where he has you all to himself. i mean he is at a very selfish stage of his life. he's not gonna care that his baby brother needs more care than himself and to understand that fact.
i think bottom line is that we as mothers must dig deep to make sure our children's needs are met. not just giving him all his presents that he wants (because again he's screaming that hje wants more than just presents). good luck

Wow...that would annoy the heck out of me too! LOL My family isn't too well off financially so my kids are used to "doing without the unnecessary". So they are always happy to get whatever.

I wish I had a suggestion for you... :( It's sad that at six he feels that way. Have you considered taking him for counseling? Maybe he just needs a neutral person to talk to - someone he can say whatever to. You know?

Hi. My parents had a hard time with me too. You could try what they did with me. They took everything out of my room (yes, even my bed, dresser and clothes) and gave me a pillow and a blanket for sleeping. I had to earn EVERYTHING back except my clothes. They would put fresh clothes out for me every day. If your son is as hard headed as I was it will take him a long while to earn his things back. Oh, they also bought me things for Christmas and my birthday, but, they only showed them to me and then they gave everything they bought for me away. My parents might have seemed cold hearted but it worked. I gained a healthy respect for not only my own things but for people and their things / feelings too. Sometimes drastic times call for even more drastic measures.

I agree with Tracy R. on this one...sounds to me like your oldest boy is feeling jeolous and also that you are expecting him to be a little more grown up than he is. I think he doesn't need punishment he needs some understanding and someone to talk to. Patience, mom! I can see from your post that you are very busy. Maybe it would help him if you were to bring it down a notch. All of this stuff is going on around him and there is nothing he can do about it. And to top it all off, you are always mad at him. Another thought, maybe in his 6 year old mind he thought that the comment about Christmas would cause you to dote on him the way you do his brother.

I know that it's hard but put yourself in his shoes...try to understand his situation and talk to him.

Good luck!

OK, first you have to remember that he's still just a little boy. He's ONLY 6 yrs old. It sounds to me like something is upsetting him and he needs to have a heart to heart with you rather than be condemned for being "so negative." If he's destructive to toys and negative all the time, rather than punish him for expressing his feelings the only way he knows how, maybe you should take him to a child psychiatrist or psychologist. If you make it very clear that you resent him and expect nothing but negative behavior from him, then guess what he's going to exhibit? Our children behave the way we expect them to. Try some positive reinforcement so that when he says and does something positive, he gets praise for it. If he's seeing you favor his younger brother because of their personality differences, I'm sure that's contributing to his upset.

I'm sorry, I really feel badly for your son. I do hope you get him some help and remember that he's still just a small little boy who doesn't know how to express his feelings or ask mommy for some understanding and attention.

Hi I understand your frustration. Have you thought that perhaps your older son is reacting out of feelings of frustration of his own. It seems from your info about yourself that the younger son because of health problems is focused on more. children perceive things differently from adults. He may perceive that he is being rejected and feels hurt. perhaps he feels that the younger is the favorite. This will cause bad behavior and thinking on his part. He may be believing something that is not true. I suggest you seek some counseling for him. He is definitely showing signs of frustration. children are not able to communicate feelings like adults can so therefore they start acting out to get the need met. He is looing for attention and if he gets in the negative it is attention nonetheless. Siblings of ill children frequently experience feelings of not feeling important to the family and angry that the sick one gets all attention. If you cannot afford counseling (usually insurance will cover) check out your local churches frequently they have counselors. make sure they are people that deal with children.

Hello A.,
My heart goes to you.
I don't know why, but I think your 6 yr old needs attention.
I read how hectic your life is right now. I read about your 2 yr old's health which must be time consuming to take care of him and about your health too. I read about the renovations. And I also read about the coming holidays.
All those things screamed STRESS to me.
Unfortunately when we parents are stressed out, our kids pick up the stress vibes. They say our kids moods are a mirror image of ours.
My son whines and says he doesn't like this or that whenever he feels left out. It's like he figured out the way to get our attention is from being negative about whatever we are currently doing. For example he can say at lunch time that he doesn't like to eat - and mention one of the items on his plate. An item that the night before was said to be his favourite.
Since by saying that makes us react and focus to his complaints, he feels heard and starts eating. If we ignore him, he'll repeat himself until we respond.
So, my suggestion to you is, talk to your son. Really give him undivided 5 minutes of your day. Ask him why he thinks he didn't get the present he wanted last xmas. Or why he hates this or that. Tell him in order to be heard he doesn't have to lie about his likes and dislikes, feelings. He only has to ask nicely, talk to you. Ask to be heard.
We taught our son to say 'excuse me, can you...' whenever he had something he wanted us to pay attention to. And since we told him that, we've had to seriously stop and pay attention OR tell him gently to give us a few minutes to finish whatever we are doing so we can listen/look to/at what he's got to say/show. The key here is to keep your word.
And it has helped a lot.
Be optimistic and good luck.
Happy Holidays.