Favoritism

Updated on March 16, 2013
A.C. asks from Keller, TX
7 answers

Ug. I know that you can't change someone's feelings, that "it is what it is", all the mature and normal answers to a question about favoritism. But the fact is this: when my oldest (now 6) was 2-3, my mom was always talking to him on the phone, she thought he was perfect, had pictures of him hanging all over the house. She thinks he hung the moon, and I am inclined to agree that he's a special guy and I can't blame her for loving him! However, my youngest is now 3 and the favoritism seems pretty obvious to me.

She doesn't really care to talk to him on the phone even if he is trying to tell a story, because it's hard to understand (3 year old stories often are), but she'll chat to the 6 year old for quite awhile. She made the effort to understand those stories when Joe was 3, so I want to say "Woman, make an effort" now....but I don't. I get the boys portraits made both individually AND jointly, but when I go visit I see that Joe's individual picture is framed, and a joint picture with both boys, but not an individual of Victor. That's gotten to the point where I stopped giving her individual portraits of the boys altogether and give her ONLY joint portraits, so that the boys won't notice that when they visit. She makes little comments here and there about Joe being special, and she misses him (she rarely sees the boys because of where she lives), and little comments about Victor being "like me" or "hard" (he's 3, but he's great). I posted 6 pictures from the latest soccer game: 1 was Victor jumping in the air celebrating a goal he made before the game started (he's not in a league, he was just playing on the field before Joe's game started), and the other 5 were of Joseph during his game. She "liked" all of Joseph's and made a comment for every picture, but as usual didn't comment or "like" Victor's picture.

I know this sounds like whining. But should I acknowledge this to her? Should I ignore it? Part of me wants to give Victor extra attention around her to make up for her not giving any.....but then that's taking away from Joe, and that's not fair. How does this work in a healthy, productive, fair way??? Do I ignore it and do my own thing or try to do something to even the field? I wish she'd see that I have two wonderful, unique, special boys.

What can I do next?

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More Answers

C.V.

answers from Columbia on

Talk to her, but remember:

Equal treatment of children is a wish, and an unrealistic one at that. It simply doesn't happen, even with the most well-meaning parents, because every child is different, with different needs and personalities.

It's not uncommon for grandparents to latch onto the older child. They came first. But when it's becoming obvious, you should talk to grandma about it. Perhaps she just needs some more time one on one with Victor, so they can get to know one another. After all, she had 3 years alone with Joe before Victor arrived.

9 moms found this helpful

X.O.

answers from Chicago on

There's an inherent favortism that seems to come with being a first-born, especially if it is a first grandchild. My oldest child is my in-laws' first grandchild, and he is, by far, doted upon the most. I don't spend too much time thinking about it. I just realize that they have a special bond with him because he changed their lives when he was born.

Don't waste any energy psychoanalyzing her "Likes" and comments on Facebook pictures. It is fruitless and pointless. Let her dote on Joe. I am sure as Victor gets older and his language is more intelligible she will come around and be excited to hear his stories too.

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M.B.

answers from Austin on

Have you tried talking to her? She may not really realize that she is doing it....

Start it out with something like.. "M., I know that your relationship with Joe is really special, but it hurts me to see that you are really starting to show obvious favor to him, and not pay much attention to Victor. I realize he may be hard to understand on the phone, but all you have to do is keep saying "Really? That's neat!" or something like that, to show attention to him, also. I also notice that you only have Joe's individual pictures up.... don't you think Victor will start to notice? How do you think Victor will feel if he thinks you like Joe better than him?"

"Please... when I post pictures of Victor on fb, "like" those, also.... it makes me feel better! ;)"

3 moms found this helpful

C.T.

answers from Santa Fe on

Yes you should acknowledge it to her and call her on it each time. Remind her to be fair (when your boys can't hear of course). My mom was like this after my daughter was born with showing favoritism. My son was her first grandchild and she DOTED on him. He was 5 when his sister was born and she came to watch him while I was giving birth to her in the hospital. He had a fit with her over something and hurt her feelings with whatever he said. She spent the rest of her visit not talking to him, wailing about how he hurt her feelings to people on the phone, and only doting on our new baby daughter. Then for the next year she continued to ignore my son. She'd only send her love to my daughter. She'd only want to talk about her. She'd only "like" her photos. It was AWFUL. I finally wrote her an email calling her on it and saying it had to stop. She got extremely angry and said she was never speaking to me again...that I was cut out of her life forever. Then about 2 months later she started speaking to me again and life went on as normal except that she no longer shows this blatant favoritism. She is very careful now. She has made references a couple times to the "incident". One time she said it was the time I said she didn't love her grandson. I quickly said, I NEVER said you didn't love him. Go reread that email. That is not what I meant. Another time she said it was the time I stood up to her. She's a funny person...narcissistic and with many issues. But even though calling her on it caused this huge drama, it really helped and made her change her ways. So, I'm glad I did it.

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B.F.

answers from Dallas on

So I am thinking her rejection of Victor seems like a rejection of you, since he is like you. Do you have a good relationship with your mom or did she play favorites when you were little, also? If its a continuation of a pattern then she might have some mental issues. Addressing that would be using a fly swatter on a gorilla.

She may just be oblivious or the older she gets, the more impatient she is with younger kids. If its one of these two things, I would would ask that she evens out her attention.

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K.H.

answers from Richmond on

you combat this by doing something with the three old while grandma does something with the older child, that way, neither child is being ignored or led to believe that the other child is loved more. if grandma gives the older child two toys and the younger child nothing, you give the younger child two toys and the older child nothing.. you have to be the balance between the two children , because otherwise, they will be at each other throats because of grandma ignoring the younger child.
K. h.

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S.K.

answers from Denver on

I know exactly what you are going through. My MIL totally prefers my SIL's kids over mine or my BIL's although it would be worst if it was one of my kids over another one of my kids where they see it all the time. its damn annoying.

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