Father That Seems to Be in a Coma When He Sleeps

My husband is like this sometimes, depending on what happened and how much sleep he has gotten before. Noise will disturb him slightly but not enough to wake him up. I think moms tend to be more in tune with the baby's movements, etc. My son used to be a heavy sleeper and we could carry him from the couch to his bed without him even knowing. Iwould bring this to your boyfriend's attn in as positive a way as possible meaning not making it seem like he is a bad dad. It can be dangerous if he is alonoe with the baby but maybe you can work something out where he does not sleep if you have to leave for whatever reason. Maybe you should get a video camera setup the next time you try to wake him so you can show him that he is truly a very deep sleeper.

I don't think he's necessarily a bad caregiver. It's not like a person can decide they aren't going to wake up, can they? Unless you think he's faking it? Some people sleep deeply. Just an example - my mom can sit up and have a conversation with you if you try to wake her, but then she falls back asleep and doesn't remember a thing! (although a crying baby would wake her. I think.)

But it sounds like you think he might just faking it. So I have two ideas.

1. having him discuss with his doctor. Is it possible he has some sort of sleep disorder? They can prescribe a sleep study that can diagnose that sort of thing. (I know a couple of men who have been treated for adult sleep apnea - changed their lives!)

2. if you think he's not the caregiver he should be, maybe some non-judgmental family counseling is in order. The first year of parenting is hard on both parents.

If it's that bad - plain and simple, he needs to see a doctor. And offensive or not, he is not able to care for his son if this problem continues. It's not about his feelings your feelings or anything. It's about the safety of your baby.

Good luck.

I had two children with my first husband. He did the same thing. I went to work and thought my children were fine. My older son called me at work to tell me the baby had been left in the baby swing for several hours and I had to come home. Dad had been asleep the whole time. Of course I went home. Sadly eventually I divorced him.Some of his sleeping too much was aided by alcohol. But it sounds like you are new in your relationship and love so you need to establish the what if's in case he does fall asleep. If you love your boyfriend, you might have to be there more often then you planned until baby is a little more self sufficient. It is scarey but you will get through this. And although you might be really worried about boyfriend in a lot of cases these people are able to come through if there are emergencies. Evidently you just keep him to contented!

I would think that being IN CHARGE of the baby might change the way he sleeps. Meaning his body would be attuned to the sound of the baby moreso than when he knows you are home and will take care of things.

I've found that people DO hear things when they are sleeping, and they'll come up out of sleep and then choose to ignore it and fall back asleep. When my husband wants to wake up he does. For example, in the mornings he'll sometimes not hear his alarm, or me trying to wake him. BUT if he hears the faintest sound of his kid crying, he's up in a flash.

I would try putting him in charge of the baby at night. Discuss it first, maybe not as a "trial" but just to help you out. See if he can make his body attune itself to the baby KNOWING he is in charge and you are not.

If he can't, maybe a trip to the doctor is in order!

J.,
Congratulations on your new baby.

I never heard of anyone who sleeps so deeply before but I totally agree with you. Your baby's father cannot be a sole caregiver of this child with this problem. I'm hoping you can find a reliable and caring babysitter so you can get a break sometimes.

I am not sure what your boyfriend's work/sleep situation is. Is he working longs hours and then sleeping soundly at night, which would be expected, and that is a difficult pattern for him to change? Or is he falling asleep in the middle of the day and then difficult to arouse from a nap? I am going to guess the nighttime one.

If you two live together and you have only had the baby home for two months, it may take him longer to get used to waking at night to care for the baby, especially if he is working long hours and has been used to using this time to restore. I am not saying that he shouldn't help at night, but that you may have to help him learn to wake up from a deep sleep in a more compassionate way (no more water splashing, okay?) and mentor him with baby care.

Spell out what you need him to do: go get the baby, change the diaper, prepare the bottle and how to feed, burp and settle back to sleep. You may have to wake your boyfriend each time and also get up with him to practice these tasks, so that you know he is able to do them solo to your liking, so then you can relax and sleep through a night feeding every now and then, too!

If he is falling asleep in the daytime, I am not sure what to say. Are you concerned that he is under the influence of something that would make him sleep in the daytime and therefore not safe to spend waking time with your infant?

Go with your gut. If you suspect for a minute that your child will not be properly cared for, talk with him and work out a plan to build trust and so that he can become a loving caregiver-daddy to his son. Then, start with 10 minute walks around the neighborhood with a cell phone. (Once you feel confident he is ready to do this solo!)