Father/daughter Relationships - East Prospect,PA

Well this may not be want you want to hear but her behavior sounds pretty normal. She just lost her home, her Mom who you said she was close to, and is now trying to adjust to a new family/living situation. I don't think the affection is inappropriate, she really needs affection from both of you. Spend as much time as you can with her, talk to her, read with her, homework together, pretty much anything you can think of to spend time with her. Both of you! Forcing her to call you Mom is not going to help the situation and it may make things worse. She will view you as trying to take the place of her Mom, even if it was Dad's idea. This will cause more issues with you, you don't need that. As for the wanting her parents together, she probably really does. I was much older than her when my parents remarried and I still had that fantasy. It is just what kids want. It doesn't matter if they even ever were together or if they even knew a parent or not. I would try to be empathetic to her feelings right now. Try not change too much since so much disruption in her life already. Just spend time loving her and being with her. She is likely feeling abandoned by her Mom. Therapy for her and for all of you would really help as well. Good luck, I hope the situation improves for you all. It really sounds difficult!

Family therapy. It would do you all, and her especially, a world of good.

I am so sorry that you are going through this. Best of luck.

From your previous posts it looks like she is around 8 years old. Everything you have described is what you would expect from an 8 year old. This is normal behavior considering what she has been through. Obviously for her mom to not enroll her in school and lose custody of her, there were some serious issues in her home life.

Everything she knows has been disturbed and she is now having to adapt to a new life. I would strongly suggest parenting classes for you and your husband and play therapy for your step daughter. This isn't her fault and if you aren't careful you are going to create a much worse home situation with her than you currently have. She needs to feel loved, wanted, and part of your family.

If you see her as inappropriate, manipulative, and an inconvenience.....she will know it and she will act the part. If you welcome her to your home and love her unconditionally and have some compassion for what she has gone through by getting her some counseling, all your lives with be for the better.

Wow - this is a tough one. She is obviously very confused about the role her parents have in her life. Are there a lot of men coming in and out of her mother's life? She may see her mother acting that way towards her boyfriends and thinks that is how she is supposed to get attention from any male in her life. She definitely needs to see a child psychologist, and quick. You are right - it is really inappropriate. How does your husband react to this behavior? I think it may be best for him to explain to her how daddy would like to have his hugs and kisses. Maybe he could do this in a positive way, like "daddy really likes your special kisses on my cheek, and I love the big bear hugs you give me with your arms." Is it possible that her mother is telling the child negative things about you, and she is trying to get daddy to go back with her? This poor girl has not had a constant, NORMAL female presence in her life, and it shouldn't be up to you to undo the damage her mother has done. She is obviously a master manipulator, most likely courtesy of her mother. Please encourage your husband to get her into counseling ASAP. This type of behavior often leads to promiscuity, drugs, and other sort of negative attention seeking behaviors.

Shes a little girl, apparently going through a lot. Please give her more compassion and stop being resentful to a child. She deserves and needs attention, and sometimes you are not always going to come first. She should.

I think this is very normal, she's trying to cope her pain that her mom is not there, have you think in therapy ? and your local medicaid or health department cover this kind of things..........
I have kind of the same situation with my oldest DD but I think this is normal she's always trying to get dad first, or if we are together in the couch she will try to go and fit in the midle is my bio Daughter and my husband stepD.
my best Advice is go to family therapy and try to work this all together, how we handle this : my husband will take some time to put his atention only on her, kissing hugin, horseplaying etc.. but after her time is done he will get very quiet and with a strong voice he will tell her : is grown up time or someting like this ,we do have a little girl so when he's back from work he manage to split time for both .....
why don't you try to do girly things with her , try to connect... I know will be difficult but you need to let her know you are not the enemy but the friend,
go to do a pedicure or a massage together go shoping only the both of you..you didn't say if you have more kids, but if not will be nice to star a friendship with her and when you get her confidence then you can start to role your parte as a parent ...just need sometime to adjust you have to understand that her entire world has change..
and for dad my only advice is he need to be dad not a friend he has to be the one discipline her, if that girl never have that you will be sorprais how they react at that (my 7 yo was never discipline by a dad and after a few years that my husband earns her love and trust he will start discipline, my daughter loves him a lot and and that has never change, and he's very strict .."discipline I mean rules, act and consecuences, sometimes ignoring her, things like that"...
godd luckand be patience........every thing with love will work ok.

Everything you describe is classic behavior and acting out given her chaotic life circumstances thus far.

Her excessive affection and physical behavior towards her father is common. That's her man too in her mind.

Her fantasy about having mom/dad back together is also a classic. It's not manipulation. It's pure and simple a delusional wish.

Her checking to see if she gets a rise out of you is normal. She's testing you and if you're going to bail out on her too like her mom did, is my conjecture.

Most family therapists will be able to assist you with these classic family themes and provide the valuable insight you need to help you manage her insecurities. They'll be able to point you to the best books currently available. I would see it as an investment in the emotional health for all of you.

I hope your step parenting life improves and she feels loved and accepted over time with a lot of support from both you and dad.

I notice you keep using the word 'manipulation' and I truly don't see that. From what you are describing it does NOT appear as pure, malicious evil planning. She sounds like a poor, emotionally lost, extremely insecure little girl probably extremely confused and hurt and angry about her bio mom dumping her.

Hi, D.:
This is normal behavior for children.

Now how to do cope with it.
Your husband and you need to sit down with each other and plan and action plan for this behaviorl.
You and your husband have to have a united front or else you will see her win.

Can you and your husband do this?
Do you know what strategies to use with her behavior?
Find a restorative conferencing facilitator to help you to confront this
inappropriate behavior.

Resources: Good Sheppard Mediation Program out of Philly
www.iirp.org out of Bethlehem
Good luck.
D.

The Pennsylvania Skunk Says: If you don't wanna change, You're gonna get skunked!

She sounds quite insecure and possibly afraid that her father will abandon her like her mother has. I'd suggest family counseling for the three of you, but especially for your stepdaughter.

My stepdaughter acted very much like this, but she was only a year old when we started living together. The behavior lasted almost a year, then she accepted me and we've been fine since (she's 25 now :-)

Poor girl, and poor you and hubby, too, of course. When a family breaks it pulls all involved down, and it takes a while to get back up and find some kind of new balance for all. Since her mother acts so painfully towards her (she's there, nope, she isn't) the girl must be hurting so bad. Trying to be the prima donna for her daddy is not that strange...she's in desperate need of guidance and of a parent worthy of the name, obviously! She must feel very lonely and confused, perhaps angry, she's just 9.I would give her structure in the house (they don't like it but they desperately need it), so she can start to feel safe and stop wondering what will happen next. Give her certainties, I am sure she'll come around. Let your hubby do the disciplining and ignore her when she's misbehaving. On the other hand, praise her when she's good and NEVER get in the way when she needs "daddy time". As she feels more comfortable she'll calm down. I just think children need a long time to heal after divorce and accepting somebody new in their parents' life is very hard.

Be patient and be adult about it. Every new relationship takes time. The "inappropriateness" of her being with her dad is her way of "getting in your way" for the extra attention and like you said keep you from getting close to her dad - it's not so much to break you apart as an adult - not sure what her age is. I am just wondering if the behavior is more than what you described, why would you feel comfortable letting him have custody of her.

Anyway, she needs a M. right now, since her biological M. isn't being there for her, so be that and talk to her.

How old.... is this girl????

You can not do too much... HUSBAND has to be handling this. He needs to tell daughter that when you two are taking it is rude to interrupt, or that after hugging you he will give her a hug. Your step-daughter is in an unstable world right now, mom not always reliable, dad who wants the best for her but needs to figure out how to combine both his new wife and step daughter in his life as well as how to handle these touchy situations.

Now if the two of sit down and have a heart and heart talk about, lay all the cards on the table and are on the same page on how to handle each situation then you can be more involved in creating a better environment for your step-daughter.

As the other poster mentioned, you know all of this going into this relationship. You will have to put a smile on your face, make a game plan with hubby on how the two of you will handle these situations and give love to your step-child and reassure her that she will always be daddy's girl and you will never take that away from her. I know there are books out there dealing with this delicate situation, maybe find one or two and read them so you feel better capable of handling the stresses that will come with it.

Just a note my 4 1/2 year old daughter ALWAYS wants to get in between our hugs... and she is not a step child. Partly is she just wants the attention, she thinks she is the center of the world, that is how this age thinks. Most of the time we let her in and have a big family hug... other times I say your turn next. When hubby and I are talking we tell me daughter that it is rude to interrupt unless it is an emergency like if she is hurt, so she has to wait till it is her turn, we all take turns talking to each other.

It sounds to me like your husband is in need of the greatest amount of help. He needs to be counseled on how to handle this situation in the best way. I really think therapy is a must here. I feel sad for this little girl and all of the confusion/fear she seems to be feeling. This isn't her fault. I think you need a professional to help you all handle this situation.

There are many parents in this situation and I know they will give you good advice. The one thing I can offer you is this: It is VERY natural for her to want Mom and Dad to get back together. Most kids of divorce want this. PLEASE don't take this personally and try to see her point of view. How do you think it would affect you if you had a Mom such as you described? I would venture to guess any of us would have confidence and security issues if we were in her situation. Much of what you described is something ALL kids do at one time or another to even their happily married parents. Vying for attention, they also aren't born knowing what is aproppriate and not. She does sound like she needs structure and boundaries. All kids do and from what you've described she probably hasn't had enough with her Mom. You may want to seek counseling or parenting classes to learn the best ways to communicate with her and help your family. So PLEASE don't think of her as malicious. Is she being manipulative? Yes in a way but not out of spite, she's has been through more than anyone should at that age. Is it annoying? Yes, but start to set expectations and let her know she is home and loved. Is she going to tear you apart? No.

This has got to come from her Dad. He needs to tell her he will always be her father, but he's not married to her mother anymore and their getting together again is not going to happen. He also needs to tell her she needs to quite trying to get a rise out of you. She doesn't have to like her step mother, but she should be civil and give you as much respect as she'd give anyone else. Dad's got to put her in her place and if she pushes the line (and she will - kids test those boundaries) privileges will be revoked. Play nice and things will go well. Play nasty and things will not go so well. And then he has to stand firm and follow through. Being a parent isn't easy but he needs to step up and address this.

that all sounds relatively normal to me. She just went through a big change going from her moms home and structure full-time to yours. its going to take a long time. just keep being firm with her and remind her of YOUR household rules. I think it would also benefit her to spend some one on one time doing something fun outside of the house with you and him separately. I know that my little girl is a daddies girl and she starts to act up when she is needing some one on one time. Even if it is just a quick trip to the craft store without her brother, she loves it.

I think you and her dad need to sit down and talk to her about her behavior again, and Dad needs to be on board -- he needs to be telling her that it's not appropriate. I think it should be done separate from any of these episodes (you might even ask her if any of her friends act this way toward their dads, or, how would she feel if one of her friends did this to her dad?). Don't be accusatory/blaming about it, though--just be matter of fact.

I think you also both need to acknowledge her desire for her parents to be back together--acknowledge it and let her know that you hear her. Don't judge, just listen. Then, after she has her say, reiterate that you're both sorry it didn't work out but that Dad & Mom can't be together anymore. If she's old enough and has enough sense, you might ask her if she wants her dad to be happy, and that being with you makes him happy (Dad needs to say this, not you).

Don't villify the mom, but do be honest about what is going on (why you guys have custody). Ask her how she feels about it.

Definitely schedule some alone & fun time for Dad & daughter, and even make sure that you're the one that makes the suggestion. But also, he should, too (that way, she knows that he cares enough to do it on his own and "loves her enough" to do it on his own for her).

Also, schedule some along time with you--go do something fun. No strings. Movie & dinner, or rollerskating or a pedicure, or whatever. While she does resent you, she is probably also craving a reliable and loving mom-figure who is unconditional and will always be there (she'll probably still be mad at her Mom that it's not her Mom, but you can show her these things, too). You don't have to be best friends, but you should be able to have fun together. Make sure you let her know that you're not trying to replace her mom (actually say the words) and mean them, but also tell her that you are her parent, too, and do care about her.

Lastly, talk to her school psychologist or pediatrician about getting counseling. She needs a safe place to work through these things. And your whole family sounds like it could some the counseling too (as a means of helping this, not because you're so "messed up"--counselors often have tools that we as parents don't, so go to the expert with the right tools to help get this job done...so to speak).