Father/Daughter Relationship - Yukon,OK

Your daughter is at a developmental stage where she is trying to get some control of the world around her. Your husband's reactions are actually feeding her desire for control. She can control how he "feels." You are right not to argue in front of her. You might suggest in private other ways of dealing with the rejection. While inwardly he is hurt, outwardly he should say something like "Okay, maybe next time. I know Mommy will give me a kiss." Then he can kiss you and say how much he loves your kisses. She will want to be the focus in his eyes and probably kiss him because she is feeling competitive with you. My husband and I used to (and sometimes still do) pick one of our girls up and say "my daughter" and then the other would respond the same and we would have a pretend tug-a-war with them. The child would laugh uncontrollably. They loved knowing we both love them so much. They would usually say "I'm BOTH of yours." Tell him to be patient his time will come. If she insists that only you read a book and daddy can't, tell her that you have to make dinner (or do something) and that if she wants a book read that daddy will have to do it. Definitely don't let her control who does what all of the time. That starts a bad habit that will be difficult to break. It's okay to let her cry when she is trying to control certain things. Tell her that you know that makes her feel sad (acknowledge her feelings) but this is how it is going to be. The exception is to not let affection be used as a weapon - give it freely and don't act affected when she doesn't.

Maybe you should show him some of the responses you get, because if he hears it from people other than you, he may finally "get it" that he is being unreasonable. My husband agrees too, so it isn't just the women who agree with you! He seriously needs to know that his behavior and his reaction to her behavior is not normal or acceptable. You are absolutely correct. He needs to not take it personally - like you said, she is two! I'm sorry his feelings are hurt by her, but he needs to deal with that without the negative comments to her face. She doesn't need to hear that stuff, she is just being a two year old and he should act like a parent, not her peer. I know you know all this, but maybe if he sees that other people agree he will come around. Good luck!

My son (he's 3) does that to his dad sometimes at bedtime. His dad takes it in stride and tells him good night and that he loves him anyway.

I think it is just a normal thing. Your husband shouldn't take it so offensively. A child should choose when he/she wants to give affection and not be forced. I think you are doing a good job and by trying to encourage her to hug daddy but not force her. Not trying to be offensive but your husband needs to be the adult and not be hateful or lash out at her. That is going to do more harm. And I would say something everytime he did it. Her behavior is acceptable and she shouldn't be punished for it. His isn't. Good luck. :)

your right he is acting like a two year old. That said, I know that in retrospect (my kids are 12 and 9) during the time when we had young children I probably did not give my husband enough time. In all honesty I would spend some time with your husband away from your child. If she doesn't want to hug him you can always in a fun way say "I do" and give him a hug and kiss. You might find some literature and read it yourself before passing it on to him. If you just get him something to read it will look like you know it all and he doesn't, and since it sounds like he is already on the defensive you don't want to go there. Your child will have a different relationship with both of you, and that is OK. Your child will pick up pretty quickly if you are mad at Daddy too. The last thing I would note is that for little ones it is OK for them to learn that when it comes to affection they can say no. You should never force your child to kiss someone if they don't want to. Good luck, I think while this might be difficult right now, on an up side you two can talk about your parenting styles, you need to be on the same page with disciplne etc. The issues only become more complicated as your child gets older.

Looks like I'm a little late in responding, but I'm going through the same thing with my daughter, though my DH handles it a little better than it sounds like yours does (no bragging intended, my hubby just tries to be patient with her). The before work thing turned out to be the whole separation anxiety. I think she was hoping that if she did not give him a goodbye hug, maybe he wouldn't go. Perhaps that is something that will make your DH feel better about it?
Another thing we started is "Daddy Date Night". This was something we had planned on starting when she was a little older, like 5, so she would get special time with Daddy and when it finally came time for dating, she would know how well she should be treated. It's helped with the whole 'not Daddy time' issues some. She is getting closer to him, and wants him when she is cranky more often. She still has times when she has her favorite and does not want anyone else, but all kids do that. I hope that your DH can understand.
Good luck!

I'm sorry to do this J., but I'm going to have to disagree with some of the posts on here. Your husband is hurt, yes. Does it warrant counseling? No. It sounds like this is not a new thing that has just progressed over the weekend, so it's understandable that he has lost patience with her "coming around".

While we don't have the whole picture in just a little box, there's a lot going on than just the "normal 2's". She is playing the parents against each other (yes, they can do it that young), and it doesn't require discipline, like spankings because that will reinforce hugs with daddy as a forced thing, not a pleasurable thing.

I think the difference has to start with you. You have to treat your husband like a king, and then, so will she. If she wants you to read the story say "well daddy is going to read the story - I can't WAIT to hear him!". And then you snuggle up while daddy reads it to you, and she'll eventually join. When he gets ready to leave, say "oh, I can't WAIT to give daddy a hug and kiss, because I know he needs a kiss and hug to help him have a great day!". When she tells daddy she doesn't want a hug from him, then yes, she is old enough after he leaves for you to have a quick talk about how hurtful that is, and how much daddy loves her which is why he has to go to work. As for throwing tantrums, they should not be allowed regardless of if it's for hugs with her daddy, or over a toy. That WOULD require discipline, something like having her stand in the corner or go to her room, because (what we tell our kids is:) that behavior is not okay and you have to go to your room until you can be a nice girl again.

The last thing I feel compelled to say is that if he is being ugly to her, you should not step up in front of her and tell her daddy he is wrong. It's disrespectful to him, and the foundation of any man is respect. If he was wrong, wait until later when things have cooled down, and say to him "when this happened, I felt X, and Abbie felt X". Arguing in the heat of the moment doesn't give anyone a clear head but talking about it later may give him a chance to think about it.

The basis of any family should be the husband and wife, as a team first, and the children next. If your husband feels like it's you and your daughter as the team, he could feel like the odd man out, which will be big trouble if not fixed now. Good luck, and God bless.
Karen

ok i know what you are going through. my husband is 21 and i have a 2 year old who will be 3 on november 14th. he does the same thing. and to be honest with you they will keep doing it until they are about 4 almost 5. i know it can get really bad at times but this to shall pass. my son even does it with grammy and me too. sometimes he loves his grammy more then he does me and he will get really mad and tell me to "get away from my grammy". my husband gets mad at bryan all the time for some of the things he does. and yes i will admit i do yell at my husband for some of the things he says to my son. (bryan isnt my husbands) and i wonder if he is going to be the sameway with our 5 month old when he gets that old. i know it may seem like it will be a long time from now until they grow out of this stage but time flys when you have all the great moments to look forward to. like i said there will be times when you wanna pull your hair out because of the fighting between father and child but it is a part of the child learning who is in charge and who is going to give in on thing when they get older. stick to your gun and you both need to go in 50 50 on how you are going to handle it when she starts to have her moments like that. when bryan starts those moments i tell him he can either give daddy a hug and kiss or he can go to time out for 2 mins. most of all the time he will give in and give daddy a hug and kiss and sometimes he even tells daddy that he loves him, there has been even a few times when he has told daddy to have a good day at work too. and now even as i am writing this he is starting it with daddy, lol. wee sometimes even when we dont want to we have to be a referee. good luck and if you would like to talk somemore about it you can e mail me at ____@____.com.

Hi J.,

Seems like you have gotten some good advice below so I won't repeat, but just wanted to mention that you said it often happens when he is leaving for work -- has he thought about the idea that maybe she's sad (or mad) that he's leaving and that's her 2-year-old way of showing it? Obviously, little kids don't have the tools to express everything they are feeling (some adults don't either!), so stick to your guns, know that you are right, and try to gently guide your husband to grow up -- it's important that his daughter sees adult behavior from both of you. Good luck!

Wow! Were you talking about my husband? My 2 1/2 year old son also has his moments when he doesn't want to be picked up or messed with. It is perfectly normal for them to act like this. They are human! We have moments when we don't want to be touched or talked to or teased. My husband will also say, "fine, I don't want (fill in the blank)" and walk off pouting. I try to just ignore my husband and distract my son from seeing this behavior. I have talked to my husband and told him numerous times that this behavior is normal and we need to respect our child. I do not allow my son to be rude or ugly about it. For instance, if he doesn't want to hug or kiss the grandparents good-bye, I tell him that is okay, but to stop playing and say the words "bye".
I feel like I'm rambling. Sorry. The jest of it is, you are not the only one dealing with this. Try to distract your daughter and don't get into a power struggle with her about it. Talk to your husband in private about his behavior and encourage him to be mature.
I seem to say "we are the adults, act like it" a good bit to my husband. He has come a long way though and there is hope! Good luck!

Argh, this upsets me. I just want you to know that you are not in the wrong at all. Your husband is being immature and selfish. She is TWO, the concept of respect is at the beginning stages of being learned. Her entire world revolves around her and the two of you are just the main players. If he wants to get respect, he's going to have to gain it by giving it to her first - teaching it to her. I'm sure he's not always in the mood for a big cuddly hug either, but she's two and doesn't understand how to properly communicate her desires. If she doesn't want to be with him at a certain moment, his response should be, "okay honey, well maybe later because Daddy needs your hugs to get through the day" or something like that. Instead, he's making it about him and as we all know when it comes to kids, it's never about us. I wish I had some solid advice for you, sounds like others have given some though. I just wanted to let you know that you're not crazy for feeling this way.

I am the mother of three girls with 4 years in between each girl.At that age they did the same thing with my husband as well. He would in turn act the same way or worse, and then its like choas in the home. It is a phase, she will grow out of it. Truth is in her eyes at this age you are the one that is protector, enforcer, and playmate.Being patient with both of them and calmly offering coaxing to the child, et the know that they have hurt daddy's feelings and then giving him a hug yourself, as if to say "poor daddy, I will make you feel better". Then the child learns two lessons. 1.that daddys have feelings that can be hurt 2. everyone needs comfort from their families. Hope I was able to shed a little advice from one mm to another.

When my older daughter was this age she did this very same thing. Others could not believe that she was manipulating us, but I really think she was. I do not think it was to be mean. There are just very few things that someone this age can control so if they get a reaction for something, they will do it again and again. They don't care if it is a negative or positvie reaction. It is their way of being able to control something in their world which is what we all want, right? So you and your husband need to unite and give her absolutely no attention for this kind of behavior. Even when he resonds negatively to her that is something. So if he asks for a hug and she says no he needs to just turn and leave. Anytime she says yes you both need to oooh and aaah. It won't be long before yes is the only answer. You two discussing it within earshot counts as attention so show him this post or discuss it in private and go from there. Good luck and god bless. Also, I highly recommend the book Love and Logic for great ideas on how to deal with other kid issues.

Well our 4yr. and 2yr old granddaughters do that same thing, no kiss by or hug to us or their mom but we know they love us> We do tell them ok ,or thats ok. But tell them in a loving why and tell them we have to still go and this is their chance to hug,kiss byby sometimes they will go ahead and hug,kiss and sometimes they won't. Your daughter may be not likeing her daddy leaving or just doesnot want to do it. He should in a loving way say ok, and say I love you and will miss you, have a good day. If a child does not want to give a hug or kiss it does not mean they do not love you just they have a chose just like we do. God Bless B. A.

This is completely normal. My two year old daughter is the same way. It is just an age thing and her trying to express and sort out her emotions. My husband usually leaves her alone when she is in a mood or will try and play with her and it usually works. It just depends on the day and how set she is to refuse him. I don't have any other advice but to tell your husband it's normal and to get over it. I have heard of a book called Strong daughters Strong Fathers by Dr. Meg Meeker. It is suppose to be all about their relationship and I think might even address this topic. I heard the doctor on a program the other day discussing the book and answering questions. I would check out the local library or book store to see if they have it since it might help. If anything it might help your husband realize that it is a stage or maybe he could try something that they suggest.

I have a little boy that is going to be 2 next month. He does the same thing as your daughter but he does it to everyone. Now he doesn't do it all the time but just when he is in a mood. He does it to me when I pick him up from his nanas after I have been at work all day. What I do when he does this is either walk away and dont force the subject and use words instead of touching. I will just say I love you instead of trying to pry a hug or kiss out of him. This makes it a lot easier and eventually he forgets about his tantrum or mood and hugs and kisses. He does this to my husband to sometimes when he leaves for work. Sometimes we leave at the same time and he will either hug my neck really tight or if I am not holding him he will bury his face into my legs. My husband makes a game out of it and starts to tickle or somtehing and he forgets, starts laughing, and eventually hugs or kisses. I agree that your husband is being very childish about this. Your daughter is only 2 and doesn't understand feelings that well yet. He needs to just back off and let it go when she does that because the more hostile and angry he gets the less she will really want to be with him period. Good luck!!

T.

Ideally, you could get your husband to read a book, watch a program, talk to a specialist, SOMETHING to realize that this is normal. I bet his negative reaction to her is only making her resist him more next time. I'd try to make it a game and tell her "secretly" to go give her daddy a hug, tell him she loves him, blow him a kiss, etc. She may still say "no" but I bet there will be some "yes" times too. It still may not be to the degree that your husband wants but over time you may see an improvement. It sounds like you would like her to be more affectionate with you as well. My kids aren't that way with me as much as I'd like either (and definitely aren't with my husband...I'm the primary caregiver after all!) however they tolerate my affection towards them. For now, I'm just taking that and hoping that over time they'll show more in our direction. Do you and your husband show a lot of affection towards each other? We don't so much and I think that affects how the kids are too. Just a thought! God bless.

We can not force a change in our husbands. Only God can truly change anyone. You must continue to love your husband and your daughter and be a good example to them both. Do you know another more experienced father who your husband would respect and listen to? If you could have that more experienced parenting couple over for dinner, the conversation could turn to this topic....your husband would probably take it better in a less threatening situation. I agree that she is acting like a two year old, but disrespect and unkindness should not be tolerated. She can be taught to speak nicely to daddy, even when saying she doesn't want a kiss. She must know from your words and actions that you and daddy are a united front, and that you love him and want to give him a kiss, etc. My husband was also easily offended, but he learned with time that this is how children are. Conversations about this need to take place between the two of you when you are not stressed out about it. This too shall pass.

You have gotten some very good advice here so I will not go on about it. You need to try and make your husband know that if he continues to act like a 2 year old, that your daughter will think that it is okay to act like this also. It is just a phase and will pass quicker if he acts like the grown up and not say hurtful things. I know it is not easy, but parenting is not supposed to be easy all of the time. Also, if this is happening when he leaves for work, maybe you could try to do the "daddy has to go to work" thing earlier so she knows it is coming soon and not right then. It may help her to not be so upset. Maybe giving her a time line. Say like, "Daddy has to go to work in 30 minutes, would you like to give him a hug now or in a few minutes?" This will help her to know it is coming and give her a choice to do it now or later. Because the ultimate goal is for her to do it, so try and help her to choose when she does. I hope this helps.

Children are very sensitive about their environment and her emotions are normal regardless of age, and should be respected. Apparently your husband is taking her reactions personally, and while understandably so, it seems he might be stressed with something else and this has become the unintentional outlet... There are better ways to handle this. How would you feel if you were forced to love someone, and when you didn't feel like it you were punished? The best thing I can suggest is family counseling or a parenting class to help your daughter and your husband. Its a very helpful tool and will help both with the situation you described. A friend of mine and myself can both vouch for it and recommend that your family seriously considers it. It can be educational for both of you and relieve a lot of stress.

J., you hit the nail on the head. Your husband is acting like a child.

Yes, it hurts when your child does not want to hug or cuddle with you, but as an adult, you have to respect your child's wishes. If you all start now by forcing her to hug and cuddle people she does not want to hug or cuddle, you are telling her a couple of bad things. One, her needs are not important and do not have to be respected. Two, she must hug or cuddle any adult who wants her to do so. This is the worst thing you can teach her. She is in charge of her body and who touches it. You do not want her to 'learn' that she must let anyone who wants to touch her touch. That is not safe for her.

I had to tell my in-laws, (fun conversation), that I was not going to force my daughter to hug and cuddle them. They are the adults in the situation and need to deal with disappointment as an adult. If it hurts their feelings and they act negatively, they are not acting like adults.

Do not let your husband guilt your daughter into showing him affection. While it hurts his feelings, it would build a bad foundation for your daughter's behaviour. Do you want your daughter letting boys or adult men touch her when she gets older because she was taught at a young age that she has to let people touch her when they want to touch her?

"No kid should treat him like this"? Seriously? Your daughter is not being rude or disrespectful, she is saying she does not want to hug or kiss someone. Regardless of who that someone is, her wishes need to be respected.

Your husband needs to grow up. He needs to stop making comments that are going to end up negatively impacting your daughter and her feelings about her body. Girls have enough pressure regarding how they look and what they 'should' do with their bodies. Her home should be the one reliable place where she knows she is safe from negative pressures.

I hope this helps.

*Edit*

I had to add this after reading Karen's response. You need to do what YOU are comfortable with. If YOU think counseling will help, do it.

As for treating your husband like a king...really? No. He is an adult and needs to act like one. Don't reinforce the immature behavior he is already displaying.

I understand! My daughter is definitely a daddy's girl, but there are times he will ask for a hug/kiss and she will refuse. She just gets in one of those moods like your daughter does. She is 3 1/2. I think it does hurt my husband's feelings, but most of the time he tries not to get upset about it. Sometimes he will be light about it and might tickle her and say "I'm gonna tickle you until I get a hug!" haha Sometimes that works, gets her to laugh & be happy. Maybe your husband could try that. Encourage him to be positive about the situation. Perhaps he could say "maybe I could get a hug in a few minutes." Maybe when he's getting ready for work, he can ask for a hug before he's quite ready to leave. Then if she refuses he could say "Could I get one after I put my shoes on?" (or brush his teeth, or whatever task). That might give her some time to open up and be ready to give a hug. The "option" of giving a hug now or later might also give her a feel of some control over the situation and make her more likely to choose & give hugs at her desired time.

Let him know he's not the only daddy with a daughter who does this! :)

Also, making her feel guilty for not giving him a hug when he demands it might make her feel like she has to give anyone a hug when asked. I think I heard/read somewhere that it might be a good idea to force a child to give hugs or kisses when they do not want it. They deserve control of their emotions and personal space/touch.

I have had the same issue happen to me. I have a two year old daughter. She will play all day with her Daddy, but won't let him do anything (bath, bed, feed or change diaper) for her let alone give hugs and kisses. I think it is a developmental thing. His feelings are hurt most of the time. For us, I think it is because I stay home with her and pretty do everything for her most of the time. I am trying to have her Daddy do more things for her and am leaving her alone with him to have more "father daughter alone time." I hope this helps a little. I know how it is to feel like you have 2 year olds that don't get along.

J.,

Sounds like things are working out. I had the same experience. Both my children were stuck to me like glue when they were little. They now spend most of the time with their dad (they are teens). It hurt him some when they were little, but he was patient and waited for his turn.

Keep talking to him, and her, too, and please let him know that saying those aweful things to her is only going to make it worse!

I'll be praying for you because I know this is hard.

Your daughter is just acting 2 and sounds very normal. I am so sorry he is acting like he is - I just don't understand why men act like big huge babies but they do!! Anyway, maybe you should try some counseling. My husband and I went after our second child was born because he just couldn't handle everything that was going on and it was very helpful to have someone else explain things to him and talk to him because he will not listen to me - anytime I tell him something or try to explain something I am being a nag or bossy etc. - so it was very helpful to have a third party explain things and make suggestions to him! I hope you can get him to go. Would he read a book if you bought one that explained 2 year old behavior? Good luck and I am so sorry he is acting like that - you don't need that on top of having a 2 year old!!

What type of relationship does your daughter see between the two of you?? I hug and kiss my husband in front of our daughters and the minute they see this, they come running to join in. Often times, they don't hug/kiss daddy either. And we have to just say okay...mommy will kiss daddy for you and then, they jump on him because they don't want ME to give daddy kisses. Sometimes you will have to leave the two of them alone from time to time...leave the house and let them interact with each other. I know it's hard, but we are natural referees and that's what we do. But sometimes, you have to leave the equation too. And in private, you let your husband know (over and over again) that "Honey, I have noticed that you have been irritable and harsh with "Susie" lately. I know she is at a difficult age and needs to be disciplined, but '...the anger of man does not achieve the righteousness of God.' (James 1:20) Is there anything I can do to make it easier for you? If you would like, I can quietly point it out to you when I notice that you are getting frustrated." Prayerfully this will help. But you have to be consistent and persistent with handling him because he is the adult. And you will have to let her see you both being affectionate to each other. Keep a united front in front of little "Susie" and discuss your differences when she's asleep. Hope this helps.

J.,
Hello. I'm sorry to hear that this situation is happening; I think its normal behavior on your daughter's behalf. Not such a normal response on your husband's side. He is over-reacting a bit. My daughter is a very lovey child, but it's opposite for us. She's a daddy's girl through and through. So, Mom gets the cold shoulder in our house more often. There have been a few mornings where my daughter doesn't want to give hugs and kisses to Daddy too, but later she tells me it's because she didn't want Daddy to leave. So, at 3 she is hoping that if she doesn't give those, he won't be able to go to work. Maybe that's what's happening in your situation too. Something at least for your husband to consider; her possible perspective. Even when my daughter says things like Daddy and I are going to play this game, Mom you can't play with us. Sometimes it hurts, but I try to realize she NEEDS that special Daddy-Daughter time with him. As long as she makes the request in a nice voice, I let it go. If she says it with an attitude, I do ask her to try again using nice words. We have to help our children learn respect, and the best way is by setting a good example (and snippy comments and pouting by your husband is just reinforcing disrespect). I know my daughter loves me and I tell her what I really like doing with her that make me feel special (she loves playing beauty shop and brushing my hair) and I LOVE that time, so I always make sure I tell her that I enjoy that. Now, there are times when she doesn't want to do something and she should have that choice, even if it's not giving hugs and kisses to a parent. When I don't get night time hugs and kisses, I'm a little sad inside, but that's her choice. I HAVE to respect her choice at that moment and usually the next time I'll at least get one. My daughter does better with choices, I say, "Can I have a night time hug or kiss?" And then she chooses. So, I at least get one of them (usually). Don't push it; she should be in control of her personal space. You mentioned that it only happens sometimes, I have a friend who's daughter doesn't like to give hugs or kisses to anyone, never has and she's almost 4, so some kids are just more lovey than others and most kids tend to favor a parent. All very normal. I would just suggest that your husband give it time. As I type, my daughter is sitting in my lap (she tends to show her affection to me in lots of other ways). And he should try to cherish those moments. None of us like to be forced to do anything, I suggest choices for your daughter, would she like to give hugs and kisses to Daddy before or after she eats breakfast. And maybe mornings just aren’t her best time. Maybe she’d prefer to give those as soon as he gets home. Except her choice (even if she chooses no hugs or kisses). The bigger deal made out of it, the more it will continue to happen. If she declines, I usually say “I love you” and blow her a kiss. So she knows I still love her no matter what and when she wants to she expresses her love back through hugs and kisses. Sorry this is so long. Hopefully something ends up being helpful. Best of luck.
~ J.

J., first off I want to say you sound like a wonderful mother hang in there it does get better. I have three children and they each went through the same thing your daughter is. My husband works 12 hr shifts and the kids were with me more and wanted me to do everything for them. It really hurt my husband also. I started out by making my children make their daddy pictures while he was at work, something just for him, then I started reading books about daddies, like MY DADDY LOVES ME the new Tim MCgraw book I think its called do nothing day is a good one to check out. When your husband isn't around talk about how much he loves her and how great of a daddy he is and isn't it fun to listen to daddy tell stories. She will grow out of it. Meanwhile he should GROW up. His bad attitude towards her isn't going to make her like him. Children are the best in judging ones true character, until he changes she probably isn't. Good luck, follow your instincts on the situation you gut filling is usually right on any motherly situation. God bless I will be praying for you.

1st I completely agree with Karen S. advice.

Both my husband and I are active duty military and deploy. When we come home we both have to integrate back into the family adn with young children it is the most difficult and painful. It takes a lot of patience, which is difficult when your heart feels like it fell out on the floor and you feel like your own child doesn't want you. My point with sharing that is I've been on both sides of this picture. I've been the parent who is shunned and the parent who has to help the child accept the other parent. I am about to go through it again here in a few weeks when my husband comes home.

You and your husband really need to sit down and calmly discuss this and come up with a plan. You both have to already know how you both plan to react when these situations happen. Like Karen suggested, if mommy is into it your daughter is going to eventually follow suit. There doesn't need to be any pointing of fingers and blaming anyone because this really isn't anyone's fault anyway.