Family Visits, Does Anyone Else Get Anxiety like This?

Medication may help, but so will some ground rules.

Make sure the your sisters and thier kids know the rules about sharing and putting toys away when they are done playing. Put some extra garbage pails around so they have no excuse for not using one, and if you see them drop something on the floor, ask them to please pick it up and throw it away. Really, at that age it is more about educating your sister about what the kids should be doing and then all of the adults should enforce it. At that age kids do just put things down, not becuase htey are bad, but because they really don't think about / remember that they should be throwing it out...

If your BIL getting drunk is an issue, no more alcohol. You do not need your kids thinking that is acceptable behavior anyway (never mind the mess he makes, which would give me anxiety on its own...eewww).

For your 3 year old, make sure she has a quiet place to go, where no one else can be so she can get away of she needs to that (or you can direct her there for some quiet time).

Good luck!

Wow, I could have written this! My family is coming to visit this week and I'm already freaking out. I'm glad to see that you didn't receive much of the 'you just need to chill' or 'relax' advice. Whenever I express concern about what the family might do at my house, I get a lot of 'just go with it' or 'you need to calm down' comments. Gee, why didn't I think of that? :-)

I agree avoiding alcohol if possible is a great start. And once people get there, have a quick house rules meeting. Also, since this seems to be an established pattern, it's a great time to say 'it seems like things are getting a little out of control when everyone is here, so let's have a quick run down of house rules'. This lets everyone know that you have noticed a problem and that you expect it to change.

Tricky with the kids. Yes, expectations might need to change a little when going from 2 kids to many more. But that mostly applies to noise level and foot traffic, not to violence and fighting. I love the planned activity idea. Keeping the kids corraled and doing calm or structured activities should help a lot. And be clear to the kids that this is what WILL happen.

I feel for you, and I struggle with the same thing. I want to be with family, but it's no fun for me when they are here. I feel like a cook, maid, and referee. This is not enjoyable. I think I'll try to take some of my own, and the other, advice on here. Hope this improves for you!

I would take the BIL and his wife aside and tell them that you have noticed the more alcohol he has the more he misses the toilet. I would tell them that you expect them to clean up their "misses". If you or your husband missed at their home you would clean up and you expect the same courtsey from them.

As far as the kids fighting, I think you may be going over board. Kids fight and play and fight and play lots of time. I had 8 kids and they did it. I have 24 grandkids, and they do it. My kids were given time outs and spankings if it got out of hand (But I can't ever remember it getting so out of hand a spanking was used.)

At least you recognize that you are part of the problem. You already know you need to calm down. If you wanted to become a pianist, you know you would have to practice. Well, you know you want to be calmer. Practice. Practice. Practice. Ask your husband for assistance.

Good luck to you and yours.

If they are local and live close by, then simply stop having them over. Just because you BIL suggests a BBQ at your house, doesn't mean you have to do it! Talk to your husband about it and have a game plan in place for next time he brings it up. Say something like, well, it seemed to get a little crazy at our house last time everyone was over, why don't we have it at your house this time or meet at the mall/park/bowling alley/where ever? That way its in a mutual place and no one has to clean up, or take turns. Also, when you and/or your daughter starts to get overwhelmed, you can call it a day. Easy! Don't ever feel obligated to do something you don't want to do. I've learned that in my old age. =) Good luck!

Joanne is so right! You do need some rules in your house. And you should require your husband to ask his brother (or your sister, whichever side he's on) to ask this man why he can't pee in the toilet at your house.

I'm glad that you know you have OCD issues. Ask the doc what he thinks about meds. However, consider telling the BIL's family that they need to do the inviting for a while until you get past this problem with your OCD. If you are truthful about this, it might help.

If your child and the cousin fight at THEIR house, separate them and make your child sit with you because they aren't playing nicely. Tell the cousin too that your child cannot play with her while they are fighting. It will give both of the an incentive to behave.

Good luck,
Dawn

You definitely need rules in the house for when you have guests, and your 3 year old is old enough to follow them.

You can put trash cans in obvious places around the party areas and point them out when people begin eating and drinking. Make it a point to show the children.

I would also either go alcohol-free at your events or have a very limited amount of alcohol. If you usually have a cooler full of beer and wine coolers, cut that amount by half or 2/3. Don't make it available for your brother-in-law to get so drunk on. If he brings his own alcohol, let him know ahead of time that you'd like to keep the event dry. If he piddles on your floor, then go find him before he leaves and make him clean the mess up. I'm not kidding.

Don't allow the children upstairs or in bedrooms. Have your daughter choose a few toys that she wouldn't mind sharing during the parties/gatherings and bring them downstairs and outside. The rest stay safely in her room. When we have parties, the girls' favorite toys and toys they don't want broken remain in their rooms. No exceptions. And NO ONE is allowed in their bedrooms. NO ONE is allowed on the stairs.

Have some pre-planned activities for the children, including some games and maybe some crafts. And when it comes to junk and crumbs ending up on the floor, you may just have to accept that it's going to happen. Even adults are going to leave some trash around or lose track of their plates and cups. But if you WORRY about those things, what does the worry accomplish?

Believe me, I know how those feelings of anxiety about these very things affects you because I have anxiety disorder as well. I get treatment for it from a psychiatrist (among other things).