Hi Moms,
My grandmother lives in PA, as does my mother (with whom I have a polite relationship). I live in TX. My husband is on a job in NYC currently. It's long term and we try to visit every 5 weeks. My grandmother has taken a turn and we don't know how long she'll be with us. I'm planning on visiting my hubby (with our son) in 3 weeks and want to squeeze in a visit to PA to see grandmom. Hopefully she will be with us at that time so the visit can happen. If she were to pass on right after the visit, we wouldn't be able to afford to get to the funeral as the cost would be at least $1000 and we won't have it just after the husband/PA visit. I just don't want to deal with drama if I can't get to the funeral, especially if I was able to visit her.
Am I being insensitive or logical? Just need a little reassurance. THanks!
Thank you everyone. I was feeling selfish because not seeing my husband makes the visit to him important, and being able to combine the two would be just great. I was feeling selfish because I'm being efficient, but I'm not rushing up to see her. We just don't know when it's going to happen. She fell a while ago and hasn't been eating (she had a hernia, which they fixed, but she's 90 and she didn't bounce back from the injury/surgery/experience. I'm hoping grandmom is aware enough to know we're there when we get there. Sigh.
UPDATE: Visited on March 21 and it was very nice. She was very frail, but aware and happy to see us. She passed away today 3/31/12 at 7:40pm. I'm very glad we made it to see her.
It is my opinion that a visit to her while she is living is much more resonable than a visit after she has died.
It's better to say goodbye than to be at the funeral. I know from experience when my dad died. Don't let family drama happen, just maintain you could only afford to travel once and you preferred to see her alive.
I'm sure she grew up in an era that would allow her to understand your reasoning-do what you are able-and God bless.
P.,
I know if I had to choose, I would choose to see my grandmother while she was alive, talk to her, tell her I love her and thank her for being my gram. I'd choose that over a funeral, etc.
And if I were in your grandmother's shoes, I'd much rather see my grand daughter while I was alive and able to visit (however limited due to her health) than have her pay for the trip for my funeral while I was already gone.
Maybe, to make it no surprise that you won't be back in for the funeral, let your mom know exactly that while you're in PA.
Sorry about your grandma.
The more important visit, in my opinion, would be to visit with her. To be able to see her and talk to her , as well as saying anything you wish. That is such a blessing.
I am sorry to hear about your Grandma. I say spend the money to see her when she is ALIVE. Don't worry about the funeral. You can pay your respects by sending flowers and/or by donating to a charity of her choice in her name.
It's definitely more important to visit while she's still alive. If you can't get to the funeral, you can't. It seems you're suggesting that your family will be upset by that. Smile. You won't be there to see their drama. I suggest that you do what you want and can do and let them react however they do. Making them happy is not your responsibility.
shortly before my grandmother died i told her that i won't be able to afford to go to her funeral-my son had medical issues at the time. and she told me that i called all the time and sent pictures to her of my son. that is what made her happy and that she loved me. she told me that she wouldn't know the difference if i was at her funeral or not....but what mattered is what i did while she was alive!!!
It comes down to what you want. You want to see her while you can still talk to her instead of after she passes. That was is important. If your family starts anything just let them know you came to see your grandma and you were already able to say your good byes. If they can't understand that then that needs to be their problem.
Also.. when the time comes and she does pass away, see if the funeral home has a web funeral available. When my grandparents passed away the funeral home offered it at no extra charge. It was a very nice extra. My grandma passed away the week before Christmas and they had a horrible ice storm and over half of the family wasn't able to make it but they could still watch the service over the web. They also keep the services in thier archieve and you can watch it anytime you want. It was nice for me because after I was able to grieve for her I went back and watched it ( a year later) and was able to see the beautiful service. At the time I was in a daze and wasn't able to absorb alot of what was being said but some of the sermons they said were able to help me alot at that time, even a year later. I just thought I would throw that out there.
You are being logical. Hopefully you can see her before she passes. Funerals are for those left. I am sure your grandmother would love to see
you now. I hope you get to see her before she passes. Remember she
would understand and not expect you to make another trip. So sorry you
are going through this.
You're being logical. I'm sure your grandmother would love to see you and your DS. I think it's better to spend the money to visit her when she's alive rather than save the money to go to the funeral. You will be glad you did!
Logical. After someone dies, they really dont mind if you show to celebrate a mourning. I know that sounds harsh, but really its just for those that are living.
I had several family members pass in a matter of 2 months. All were in different states. I managed to get to my cousin's funeral, since he was the same age as I, and we grew up together. His passing was more tragic and heartbreaking. I felt it was a better funeral to attend for my Aunt's sake and because I wanted to be there for his son as well. I missed 2 Aunt's and a great-uncles funerals. It was a hard decision, but one that was needed to be made occasionally.
You will still mourn her in your heart, and that's all she needs. See her now in order to say your thoughts and enjoy her life. Be sure to give her honest, heartfelt love.
My Grandma lived out of the country so when she was really sick, I went to visit her and I will always cherish the time I spent with her then.....those are some of my fondest memories as she was still lucid and aware but just not mobile so she really needed the interaction as well......shortly after my visit she passed away and to tell you the truth I didn't even want to go to the funeral as it would have been just for the sake of the family and SO many folks were going that me being there would have added more work for an out of town guest and not really helped. So I prayed and paid my respects that way and called everyone in the family as well......everyone was very understanding.......in my opinion you go when it matters most to the person concerned.........
The funeral is for everyone else, really. I would make an effort to see her and say my goodbyes on the trip already planned and let her know you won't be able to make it to the funeral. I'm sure she will tell you she understands and you will have a clear concious. Any opinions of the rest of the family won't matter. Best wishes.
I just came back from visiting my dying mom for 10 days. She lives in Europe and I told my brother that if she passes away real soon I cannot just turn around and come back for the funeral. The ticket was $800 now and goes up to $1025 for the summer months. I was able to do things for and with her, show her how much I love and admire her, and help her get settled into hospice care. It was very hard to leave, but she may live another 3 months and I cannot just leave my family and job that long. I talk to her daily and send her cards and photos. Tough decisions have to be made nowadays when we do not all live in the same town all our lives. You are absolutely being logical, and I bet you grandma will feel your love and enjoy seeing you. Hang in there.
I understand your point. I would however forego a future 5 week visit to my hubby and go visit her now and also attend the services. They are two differing experiences.
I was able to be with my Nan when she passed and it was an experience I will always cherish. I would certainly go and visit her when you go to NYC, you will never regret it! You and your family will be in my prayers.
