May 16th will be a year since my mother died suddenly while on vacation in Mexico with my dad. Since then, our family has unraveled into a nasty mess. I could write a novel about what all has unfolded since then. The bottom line is this: my brother is an a-hole--he and his wife believe my dad is responsible for my mom's death and have contributed to my mom's mother thinking the same thing. IT HURTS AND PISSES ME OFF!!!! My dad and I will have NOTHING to do with my brother and his wife for reasons reaching far beyond their preposterous belief about my mom's death. The last text my brother sent my dad said, "You are the sorriest MF-er I have ever had the displeasure of knowing. I hope hell catches you quick."
Anyway, my dad has sorted through everything in his house and put anything and everything associated with my mother in the spare bedroom for us to go through and pick what momentos we want of my mother. HOW IN THE WORLD ARE WE GOING TO DO THIS??? My dad and brother do not need to be in the same room together at ANY time, and I do not want to be anywhere near my brother either. My dad's feelings are super-hurt by my grandmother's thoughts, and I don't want him to have to be around either of them. So what do we do? What if two people want the same thing? If my grandma (she's 85) takes stuff, how will we guarantee where it goes when she passes? The thought of this event makes me sick to my stomach.
I'd appreciate any advice or insight into your experience with a situation like this. THANK YOU!!!!
Thank you so much to those of you who have responded so far--everyone's suggestions are already making this easier for me. Please keep the replies coming!! : )
My heart goes out to you! I hate to say, that no matter what you do other members will think you did it wrong. When my grandfather died the family unraveled (it was going that way anyway, but it was the last straw...) and it never will recover within that generation... the grandkids get along as we are adults now but the aunts and uncles get all bent out of shape every time they hear we are talking to a cousin...
Have your dad pick out a few things for your brother and grandmother and then deliver them (or mail them, whatever). You can go over before hand and pick your stuff. It's hard to remember during family turmoil - but it's just stuff, and it's nice of your dad to make it available to anyone. He doesn't need to.
I always say -- nothing like a death in the family to get everyone fighting over jelly jars. And it can often bring out the true character of relatives.
Go and put post it notes with your name on what you want. On a different day than your brother. He can do the same. Then your dad can split it into piles & if there are any "overlaps" your dad can decide what goes to who.
Sorry about your mom.
Pick your stuff and then tell your brother that he can go to a storage unit that you have rented for a month and can take the stuff that he wants. That way he can go anytime that he wants you and your father don't have to see them and everyone can stay calm. Hopefully. Good Luck.
My insight based on my personal experience: stuff doesn't matter. Get there quick, pick out a few things that are meaningful to you, and let the rest go. If your grandma takes stuff, it's truthfully not your business where it goes when she passes.
I just saw about $300,000 of our family money go to a complete stranger, because she had access and lived close to the deceased, where I did not. That happens ALL THE TIME in these situations. People take things, and other people are mad, and drama ensues.
Let it go, for your mental health. Take a few things that are precious to you, and forget the other stuff. If I can emotionally let 1/3 of a million dollars go, you should be able to let some belongings go.
And when two people want the same thing, hopefully the two people will be civil enough to let the object go to whomever it most suits.
It is NOT WORTH the emotional stress.
Oh my, how awful for you, your dad, and your brother. This is so sad and will split your family apart. I can tell you what we did to share the things my aunt had when she passed away a few years ago. I am happy to say it was a very friendly agreeable family so it was easy for us to go thru this without any problems, and it was all done long distance. I had an aunt who never married, had no children of her own and worked her whole life and lived simply. When she died she left her estate to her neices and nephews. She had 6 brothers,my dad being one, so there were 27 of us to divide up her belongings between. One brother who lived closest and was in pretty decent physical and mental health took charge and this is what he did. He laid them out on counters and tables in her small apartment, took pictures of everything and put together a photo album of everything for each of us. He had discriptions of each thing on each page. We each went thru the album and if there was something we thought we'd like to have, or would mean something special to us, we put our name on the page next to the discription. We were told to go ahead and pick lots, and not be shy, or worry about looking greedy. No one else other than a couple uncles and their wives were going to see this. We sent the albums back to the one Uncle and he spent weeks going thru our requests and as fairly and equally as he could, he split the things between us. If only 1 person wanted a certain thing, they got it. If more than 1 asked for an item, they looked at what else we had asked for and tried to make it fair in items and somewhat, their worth. They spent time and effort, and money wrapping and shipping all the things to each of us. We are all the way from the east to the west coast from Tx to Seattle to NY. We each recieved the boxes a few weeks later and it was wonderful to see what treasures we recieved. I have the Christmas ornament I love, and a brass lamp that fits my decor and means a lot to me. I loved getting some of her fabric since I sew but understood why a cousin got the pin cushion. Since Aunt Carol had taught her to sew it was special to her. I have a teapot/cup she used for her tea. I drank out of it once and then put it in the china hutch to display along with a picture of my aunt. It was a great experience in a time of sorrow for each of us and I believe it made us a stronger family.
So I suggest you take photos of everything, and send copies to your brother and anyone else who should have some of your moms things, and get an impartial person to help decide who gets what after letting everyone see and choose for themselves. I'd hope it would smooth some hurt feelings and end up being as fair as posible in a terribly sad time.
I wouldn't have your brother come over at all. I'd let your dad pick some things to send to him, or have a neutral friend give them to him. I'm sure at some point in your lives your brother has said "i want that" or your dad may know some things that may have sentimental value to him because of your mom, you may even know. Letting your brother come over would probably be pure hell, and I would never allow him in the house anyway, simply for referring to your father the way he did in the text. You can't guarantee where stuff will go when grandma passes anyway, but it will probably be to your brother. I'm sorry you are going through this. Good luck to you.
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Do your brother and grandmother want anything? You could ask them, in writing, to send you in writing what they want, if anything. Tell them that because of their accusations, you and your father do not wish to be around them. They should expect that to be the case. Then mail what they've asked for.
Or make a list of what is available and ask them to check off their choices.
Or take what you want and give the rest to a charity. I'm finding giving my mother's things to a charity difficult to do. Perhaps your father would prefer to just box it up and store it.
Which made me think that may be the best way to handle it anyway. You and your father keep what you want. Box up the rest and wait until your brother and grandmother calm down, if they ever do. I think, considering their attitudes, especially that of your brother, it would be very reasonable for you to not try to get momentos to them. Doing so can't make the relationships any worse than they already are.
It sounds like it's too soon. Everyone is still hurting over the sudden loss of your mom and the ill feelings towards your dad are as fresh as they were a year ago.
My dad passed almost 4 years ago from cancer. His wife hasn't offered anything to me or our family. Her son (my half brother) has all of my dad's music, his studio and all of his equipment. Not sure what my half sister took back home with her to CA. I'm his oldest daughter and the only one who gave him grandchildren. The only momento I have are pictures and a candle my aunt made me using one of his photgraphs. My aunts (Dad had 2 sisters) asked for a momento and she never gave it to them.
My suggestion would be to wait until things calm down and your family can at least be civil towards one another.
In a less volitile situation, i would agree with the others that they could all choose. But Your Brother has lost his right to choose (PERIOD). And grandma doesn't sound like she is in any condition to choose either.
I think you or dad should look in your hearts and think about what would make brother or grandma smile and think fondly of your mama, and send that out to them,
But no way in you know where, would i allow them to come into the house and take what ever they wanted. I can promise you, sweetie, your brother will not be nice and he will rip a whole in your heart over somthing sooo stupid as a knicknack or a teapot.
Its just stuff, it isn't your mom, and your brothers behavior to me tells me that right now, he needs to be kept with very very strict limits. If he were to ask nicely for something, I would tell you to bend over backwards so he could have it, BUT unless he is kind, he gets what you choose for him.
consider donating things to people in need and allowing your mother's beautiful spirit to bless other people instead of breeding more resentment and nastiness.
big hugs
You can have the spouse, kids, and parents of the deceased take turns choosing one item at a time. Start with spouse, then oldest child to youngest, then parents. Or draw names out of hat.
Well when my dad passed we didn't have a say in what we got or who got what so if he is giving you the option then I say YOU go first then your brother then your grandmother. The kids should go first she was your mother.
I would suggest you take the stuff to a neutral place (maybe your house) and have your brother and grandmother come there...or have your father leave his house while your brother and grandmother come...
