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I truly think after the change in the plan on the house price I'd tell them you have rethought the offer and think they should go ahead and sell it to the neighbor for the $20K. Then walk away.
Nothing is worth that, plus there will always be some sort of snideness that will carry over from this transaction.
You can't control other people. You CAN control your reaction to them. Would you continue to hang out with friends who acted like this? I bet you wouldn't. So why are you putting up with family members who act like this?
What you described above is my dad's extended family. After 20 years of marriage, my dad had had enough of his family, and how they treated him, my mother, and me. So, he cut off all contact with them. Honestly it was the best thing he could have done. A year later, I cut off contact with my dad's family as well. I've never regretted it. They've always been awful people, and will never change.
It's hurtful when family is like this, because you can imagine how you'd LIKE your family to act, but in reality, often times family members are people you just wouldn't choose to hang out with. If they're awful people at heart, sometimes you just have to cut ties with them and move on. They aren't going to change, and they certainly will have no incentive to examine their own behavior if you continue to offer yourself up as their punching bag. I say sever all ties and move on, speaking as one who has been through this exact situation.
They are broken people. They are so miserable that they can only feel good about themselves and their choices if they criticize someone else and try to control them.
No one can make you feel inferior without your permission.
I understand absolutely that there is pressure, and that you have some unavoidable interaction because your husband works for one side of the family. Your husband is the only member of the family who is tied to the 2 "new" families - so he's a constant reminder of bitterness and bad times. That's a pretty heavy load to have put on someone from the age of 12 months, and I think they may each resent that he has a relationship with the other side. If they devalue him, and you, and your kids, then they don't have to face some of the bad things they have done in their lives before they "reformed".
I don't get the "became Christians" part because it doesn't sound like they are being very admirable or moral or accepting of others. So don't let them throw that holier-than-thou stuff in your face.
Ask yourself if your life, your husband's, and those of your children are enhanced by being with these people. Most of your post says "no" but then you say they are celebrating 3 birthdays, which sounds like they care. Maybe they're just toying with you, I don't know.
Can you surround yourself with caring people who give your children what you WISH you could get from these people? Friends who are LIKE family, for example? Can your husband get a better job for someone else without this drama? Do you HAVE to buy the house? Sounds like you're being asked to pay more than it's worth and more than you can afford, and even if you agree on a price then you'll be tied to them forever over finances.
If you ALL take a break, what could happen? They'll talk about you? They'll criticize your kids? That's already happening! And if you and your husband raise your kids to learn that it's okay to disrespect someone's wife or kids, what kind of people will they turn into? Teach your kids that sometimes people do bad things or have different values, and sometimes you have to make choices and walk away.
Good luck - maybe you can get some help from a family counselor to sort out your options and clarify your values & strengths?
This is a serious question back for you:
Why are your expectations of your husband's parents and siblings so high? After all of the history and all of the pain, after all of the bad behavior, why do you expect that they'll behave any better?
The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior. You're not going to make them change. Therefore, what needs to change will be your expectations of your husband's family. Lower your expectations or better yet, don't have any expectations at all. That way they can't disappoint you. Any bad behavior won't possibly be a slap in the face... it will simply be par for the course.
If you do that, your feelings will be less likely to be hurt and you can walk away from situations without having to have to have said, "I guess we learned our lesson... AGAIN!"
Why don't you just sell the house, find new jobs (yes this might take a while) and move?
Like Catherine and Jessica said, I would stop expecting them to change or suddenly start acting any different. Realize that they are who they are, you cannot change that or have any control over how they choose to behave. Their behavior is not a reflection of you, it's a reflection on them, and if they choose to treat you poorly or "less than", they are not people worth wasting energy on. Stop letting them take up space in your head - you don't need to show love and acceptance to those who obviously don't and won't feel the same way toward you. Life is too short to spend it this way with such people.
Oh, I feel you. I think you are in a similar situation to us, and it took us a long time to find our 'happy place'.
For different reasons, both sides of our families are difficult. This one doesn't get along with that one, these ones drive us crazy, this person is controlling and demeaning, etc. We went through a period of a lot of anger, being so mad that everyone couldn't get along (including us). Then some sadness, this is not what I thought family would be like, this is not what I wanted.
But recently, I've come to a good place. I needed to focus on my husband and our daughter, and made everyone else a little less relevant in my life. I still love them all, and include them when possible for big events. But I expect nothing of them, and need nothing from them. I call a little less often, don't connect much on FB, and don't seek out times to get together. When we are together, my mindset is different and I keep everyone more at arm's length, you know?
I admit, the change is mostly in me, and in my head. Realizing that they can be a part of my life, but not how I thought, set me free. I don't really care what they think of me. I accept their shortcomings, and realize maybe I had something to do with this (not saying that applies to you).
It really is a happier existence now, and I hope it continues to be more comfortable to live this way. There's no anger, no resentment. I will admit, being sad over losing how I thought my extended family would be still creeps up sometimes, but I work through it. I'm happy this way overall. I hope you get to a good place, and realize as others said that the change will have to come from you. They are not going to change.
A break would be good for you- to gain a little perspective! Good luck and God bless!
Your post is long but it really doesn't give much as to why they would disrespect you? Have you been going thru a divorce yourself. I doubt this has anything to do with a divorce. Are you a likeable person? Did you do something to them. The only thing I gather is that there might be some rift regarding the house that was never truly resolved. Need more to go on other than they dont respect you.
wow, i am truely sorry. I am kinda understand what you are going through,
Honeslty i would just cut my ties with them. I was homeschooled and my grandma would also make me feel like i wasnt as educated as much, when in real life i was smarter than my cosin which was her other sons kid. so i say just cut ties, save the drama for the lamas ;) Hope that can H. some, One day they will come around and ask why. ( they love having to have something over your head, so they can use the excuse well they NEED US) makes them feel like the queen and in control of everything. They cant stand no control, ( that mostly the reason why they feel bitter toward you, No Control.)
Some Christians. If Christ came down and looked them straight in the face and told them to clean up their act, they wouldn't.
Did you two REALLY want this house? Did you already buy it? Are you sure it won't cost an arm and a leg to fix up? Is it close to where they live so that you would have to actually see them more than you would if you didn't live there?
Jaimee, really and truly, life is too short to put up with people who disrespect you and treat your kids badly. Your children should not be around them. I would not take your kids to this party. Why your husband wants to go, I can't fathom - his father hosed him on the price of the house.
If I were you, I wouldn't see them anymore. I'm not you, thank goodness, but I really would not let them see my kids and I wouldn't see them either.
Dawn
Jaimie, I've read your follow up and all the comments. The only thing I'd add, is, this is not about you or your kids. Your husband probably is a reminder of all his parents did wrong...how weak they were, and how unable to do what was right for the sake of themselves or their kids. They probably just have a really hard time dealling with the guilt of their past. If they really have become Christians they probably have an awful lot of regrets that they can't deal with. I mean if they hadn't divorced they'd have never had the other kids...anyhow, I think its more about them and their failures than you and your kids.
I'm sorry for them and sorry for you. It really isn't fair that you all have to go through this. But, life is not fair. I wish I had learned that younger. It won't hurt your kids to learn that now. I'm proud of you for homeschooling your kids, going against the grain and standing for what is right. I wish for your sake you had a real family to show you how to be a good family and how to live in peace. All I can suggest is make sure you're the family for your kids that you both hoped you would have for yourselves. As for the family you wished you'd have, I suggest going to a good church if you don't already, and "adopting" an older couple that you respect, that is loving and kind to each other and good to others. Invite them to dinner, help them with their home, yard work, etc. Be kids and grand kids to them and you'll all benefit.
Best wishes with it all.
the house thing sucks everything else is J. people being who they are. your mil doesnt believe in homeschooling and is a bit rude....so what. if i wrote every person off for being rude there would be noone left, including M.! you said you enjoy them other then the comments, so dont let the comments get to you. i would never write off an entire famiyl because i honestly have the mentality that if I am the one writing off a whole group of people the problem is probably with M.
one person possibly J. the other person, but maybe i contribute too?
a whole group? i'm thinking i contribute more to the problem and need to look at myself
I don't have much for you. Just wanted to say that I wish you the very best in dealing with this situation. It feels awful when family doesn't accept you.
Wow that is a headache from ####. I would have changed the dynamics a long time ago by moving out. Especially when your husband said he would buy the family home for $35,000 and the dad uped it to $50,000 and then backed downto $45,000. He could have sold it off and I would have saved my money moved on.
As others have said, people treat you how you let them. Hold up your heads and be respected or be lost in the crowd. Find friends to become a family and leave this group behind. They are very toxic and have caused this toxicity to be part of your family. Do your own thing without them. Don't even bother doing things together because "it's family" when it is not. They don't want him there because he IS the reminder of a bad time in their lives.
It's not easy to severe ties but it looks like this would be best for you. You sound very unhappy and no one should make you unhappy. You are the stewart of your happiness. Look elsewhere and enjoy what is left of your lives. Surround yourselves with positive people and live on.
Good luck to you. I hope you sort this out quickly so that you all can heal.
The other S.
PS Life is too short for all this and 21 years is a long time to sit in the mire.
