Family Problems

L.,
You or your Mother, call the POLICE the next time he raises a hand to anyone and strikes them. He has some serious issues and he needs help NOW. Where is your Father in all of this? Is there an Uncle that can step in or a close male family friend? Involve the police and he will be arrested for harrassment maybe that is what he needs.
Good luck
Chris

If your mother wants him out of the house and is afraid of him then she is to call the police and have them escort him out and off of the premises. Second she is to get the locks changed and change the numbers of the home security system if she has one. My advice would to not let him in to the house to visit until such time as he has proven he can take care of himself. My brother is 23 years old and is nothing like that, I wasn't like that at 23, he is a spoiled rotten brat who is just to large to handle. The fact that he has physically hurt the younger ones or one of them, maybe your mother should invest in an order of protection. He needs to go and if he comes back and tries to break in then you mother or siblings is to call the cops and have him removed. Maybe it would do him some good being in a place where there are many people bigger and badder than him. Good luck and sorry if I Sound crass.

He is acting exactly the way he has been conditioned and trained to act. Trust me on this O.. Support your mom and provide some muscle (husband/male friends/etc. to back her up) for her to implement a plan.
Your mom needs to pick a date, tell him that's the date he needs to be out of her house and stick to it. Give him approx 30 days to find a place.
You are absolutely right--giving in to him is not going to result in any change in the status quo. She will be in the exact same situation in 20 years if she lets him stay. Does he have a drug/drinking/dependency issue? Even if not, "tough love" is truly the only avenue for her/him. She needs to think of the rest of her family members. If he tries to break in or force his way in, she needs to immediately call the police and have him arrested. She needs to tell him that in advance that is what she'll do, should he become unruly. Believe me that this is the only way he is going to grow up and respect your family. Good luck and God Bless.

I'm sure this can't be an easy situation for your mom, but she needs to be strong and see that right now she is putting herself and your sisters in harm's way. Your brother is getting physical and they all need protection from him. She could simply kick him out or she could get a PFA against him. The local police can help you obtain one. Getting him into an anger management program or something similar would hopefully benefit him. I don't know if he meets the criteria for being involuntarily hosptialized for a psychiatric evaluation, but it might be something to look into. There may be a medical or psychological problem causing his behavior. Good luck to all of you.

well i was once told we can pick our friends but we have no control over who we get as family, that being said you can want all you want but your mom has to put her foot down and because this is her son she's not going to yeah she is an enabler but she loves her son and she's not going to see him on the street unless that's where he want to be.
Good Luck I have three brothers and two of them are still home with my mom and i stay away cause i can't stand it.
K.

Hi L.,

Suggest several things: 1) Does he have a job? If not, get one. 2) Counseling -- he needs to learn his behavior is unacceptable. 3) Advise he needs to get his own place & give deadline. 4) Stop enabling -- NOW. If he doesn't learn this NOW, he'll be a 40 yr old depending on mom to do everything for him. Trust me, I know how that is. My brother in law turned out that way.

A. D

Hi L.,

Wow, this is not an easy situation. My first thought is to call the local women's shelter and talk to a counselor. They are trained in this and they also know all the laws about how to get someone out of the house and protection orders. I know it sounds extreme, but it sounds to me that if he is not already it could escalate if your brother does not get his way. This situation is not safe for your mother or your littel sisters.

Has any of your older sisters who no longer live in the home gotten your husbands together to confront him and make him leave?? or tell him to knock it off so to speak??

Your mother, atleast, needs counseling even after he is made to leave and not return (as a visitor) when he can act civilized...

If the women's shelter cannot help you, which they should try the local legal aid they answer questions on the phone sometimes too.

Good Luck and God Bless you all,
S.

Hi L.,
It's hard to hear this, but your brother needs psychological help to deal with his issues, and your mom needs to get him out of the house. It's not fair to anyone else in your households. To be honest, it wouldn't hurt if everyone got some psych help, as your mom, sisters, you and maybe even your son has no doubt been scarred by his actions. He's angry and frustrated, and you don't have the tools to deal with it. The loving thing is to get out of the way and let those who can help him do so.

Stay strong.

Tell mom she is not helping her son. Parents have a responsibility to help children transition into adulthood. It can be scary for youth and adults but parents are the primary determinents in how and when it will occur. Have family put together enough cash for down payment on a small apartment. Set a 'move out' date. Tell 23 year old he must maintain apartment and all expenses after the date. If he doesn't have a job encourage him to get one. Stick to the timeline and the agreement. You can make it fun for him. Plan a 'moveout' PARTY. Family and friends can bring gifts.. dishes, pots etc that he will need. You may be pleasantly surprised that he really wants to make this move... and is embarressed by his inability to do so and his own fear... mom needs to know her fear of letting go has to be hidden if her son is to be given an opportunity to become an adult. Good luck.

Hi L.

I think in the back of your head you already know that this is domestic violence. Plain and simple he will not stop. Your mother needs to protect herself and her children. If she is not strong enough to do so you may need to just step up and call the police. Domestic violence only escalates and I'd hate to hear that something more horrible has happened. I wish I could give you more concrete things to do but I think calling a domestic violence hotline, or something of that nature would be very beneficial to you. They could probably give you some very good resources to use to help protect you mother and sisters. Stay strong and definately keep your precious baby away.

Unfortunatly...this isn't your problem. Your mother needs to be the one to stand up to him and say no. He is still within a respectable age to be living at home so your mom needs to set down some rules and stick to them. He already knows how you and your other siblings feel, but until you mom actually does something about it, he will continue to be that way. Sorry if I wasn't much help. Maybe have your husbands or other men sit him down and talk to him, and have your mother there as well.

hi i am sorry to hear of the unfortunate situation you are experiencing with your brother. if i am not out of line i am going to ask you is he or could he be on drugs? also is there a man in the loop ? sometimes family members need to give "tough love" and it may take another man to put him in his place. i do not consider myselk old i am 35 but our generations keeps getting more and more disrespectful year after year. your mom needs to collect herself and somehow stand up to him and let him know she gave him life and she can just as easy take it away. not anything against the law but just walk away from him and make him step up to the plate... i will be praying for you and your mom

If he is abusive (verbally, physically,emotionally) to your sisters, you can child line him by calling 1-800-422-4453. This can either be done anonymously or you can give them your info. The child protection agency has so many days to investigate. They do this by interviewing your sisters, your mom, and possibly your brother. Either way, the most likely outcome would be that your brother would not be allowed to remain in the home, so probem solved. Please don't be concerned that your mom may get into trouble, this is not the case and really in the grand scheme of things, your biggest priority should be the protection of your sisters, who are the true victims in this case and they need your protection.

L., i am sorry to hear about your family problems. I have been a drug and alcohol counselor for about 4 years now and i deal with these kinds of situations all the time. Unfortunately, you can not do anything to help your mom. She needs to stop enabling and take a stand for herself and her other children. "Tough Love" can be a really hard thing to do for some parents but it needs to be done. Your mom needs to let him know that she loves him very much but will not put up with this inappropriate behavior anymore. She must stand by what she says and mean it, be consistant, no matter what threats he might make. I hope I gave you some advise that you can use. Good luck and hang in there.

Discipline+Consequences/Consistancy=Behavior Change

L. -
Your mom's problem sounds similar to those parents who are dealing with a child with addictions. I suggest you find a local church with a 'Celebrate Recovery' program. They usually have a group of parents that meet separately to deal with their 'enabling' issues. They support and encourage one another. Your mom needs to understand that she is NOT helping your brother. I don't know what area you are in. If you are in the Pittsburgh area, I know Allison Park Church has a good program. The 'Celebrate Recovery' would minister to your mom's needs, which in turn would benefit your brother.

This is definatly a tricky situation. First of all I would absolutely keep your son away from him until your bro it not around or the problem has eased. I would recommend having a sit down with your mom..but I know that would be pointless. If she is like my mom..her children will always be excused for their behavior and there is nothing you can say to change her perspective. Since he obviously has issues w/ female authority someone has to find a male authority to set him straight.If there's not one then other measures should be taken. He's an adult (legally) and should have consequences for his actions/behavior. It's to an extreme that if mom kicks him out..and he does break in, the police should be involved, even if you are the one who has to make that call.
Maybe being charged and convicted of a domestic dispute may have influence on him. Also, if drugs are an issue , maybe he needs a wakeup call from state authority and possibly rehab for that and if that's not an issue anger management probably is. Yes..your mother is totally enabling him and that has to stop before things can change. Maybe you can show her the advice you've gotten from Mamasource and explain to her how concerned you really are. She needs to know how serious the situation is since your siblings and your child are witnesses to this and it will have lasting effects to them. I hope this will give you some sort of direction in where to go with your situation. Good luck and let us know how things turn out.

It sounds like it is time to do a family intervention. You need to have everyone in the family along with a couple of bigger males without kids around and talk to him. tell him it is time to stand up on his own two feet and that he needs to pay his own bills.Give him a time frame to get a job if he does not have one and make sure your mom sticks to it. If he does break into the house after she kicks him out then she needs to call the police and report him for breaking in or trespassing. if worse comes to worse may be she may need to get a restraining order if he threatens her after he is asked to leave the house if she is afraid that he may try to do physical harm. I am sorry that your family has to go through this. good luck.

Hi L.,

My prayers are with you with this difficult situation. It seems like your brother has a problem with authority. And if he won't leave the house willingly then maybe its time for the law to step in and remove him from the house. He has become a threat to your Mom and other family in the house. It is time for him to go. And he seems to be angry as if he feels someone owes him something. Pray that until he does leave/get put out of the house that the Lord will protect your Mom and sisters. If he's already physical it may only get worse. Does he have any positive male role models in his life? Where does this behavior come from? My prayers are with you and I pray that the Lord will bring your family out of this quickly. God Bless!!!

Dear L.,
My advice would not be to call the police outright. However, I would have a frank discussion with your mother about your concerns. In that conversation I would let her know that if the abusive behavior towards the minor siblings continues that you will call child protective services to report the behavior - this should open up her eyes w/o having to involve the police. On the other hand, I would also let her know that you're not afraid to involve them either, if necessary. It is her job to protect ALL of her children. In this particular case she is allow a grown child to manipulate her by being abusive to the younger siblings. I agree with the advice I've read about kicking him out. However, I think it would be appropriate to offer him the opportunity to stay under several conditions - 1) behavior changes IMMEDIATELY 2) monetary contributions to the home, utilties, etc. 3) helping around the house (as a member of the house he should do his part - I imagine the children have chores, he should have some, too) All of that could be conditional, and it should be stipulated from the outset that it is a short-term arrangement. Set a date for him to out, and then stick to it. This way, IF he's cooperative he has a chance to get his act together. If he REFUSES to cooperate, recommend a shelter or other place like that for him to stay, since you've indicated that you & your other adult siblings have already said you won't take him in. BTW, Good for the rest of you for Refusing to Enable him! God bless you - I'll be praying you.