Family Drama - Blacksburg,VA

how to respond.. get caller id, and when any of the above people call, let the answering machine get it, and dont call back
K. h.

Going back may not have been the best thing to do but it was the easiest thing to do. They are homeless, ya know? They are scared, not sure of what is out there for them. It is not about your husband or betraying him. They just want to live somewhere.

What your husband did was good, it shows them you have their back. When they find the strength they will leave on their own. Who knows maybe they went back to try to break this hold that man has on their daughter.

If my daughters had a boyfriend that acted like him, treated people like him, I would be looking up family members that used to make people like him go away. I think they are all dead but one can hope. :) Regardless I would be doing everything in my power to save her.

You were caught in a family drama and did what you could to help out. But that part of your family doesn't speak the same language you do: you are north pole, they are south pole for values, goals, ways of living etc....just too different from each other. Just let them be and do whatever they like, stay out of their problems and weird patterns. I would totally limit the time spent with them. Now you know what they are like when they are together, no reason to put yourself through it again.

Your hubby was trying to be a white knight, but he really needs to look at the other side of this situation before feeling betrayed. This guy could actually be abusing his sister. If she had said anything, the guy could have hurt her. You all don't know that. Perhaps the parents know more than they are saying. They could be going back to try to help their daughter.

I know hubby is upset with his sister, but he has no right to expect his parents to disown her too. It is a shame that she is so weak as to bring this boyfriend in her life. They would never have moved in with her, I'm sure, or gotten rid of their stuff, if it weren't for that.

The parents and their daughter need to work on their relationship. It may all come to nothing, if she picks mr. loser over them. But they have a right to TRY. Tell your husband this and tell him to pick himself up, dust himself off, and be nice to his parents. They have been through a heck of a lot more than HE has with this.

Dawn

I second backing off and staying out of it now. If the parents go back to the SIL's that's up to them. Frankly the jerk boyfriend owes them an apology and also one to your husband. Sounds like that ain't gonna happen soon. Take a break and see if they reach out to you.

Tell you hubby to just grin and bear it. This will go one of two ways - either they will all live miserably ever after or this schmuck will break up with your SIL and all will go away.

Your hubby being (rightfully) pissed off will just make him the bad guy. Let him be there in case they need him again - but tell him to proceed with caution.

Why don't you let them move in with you - haha, just kidding.

Wash your hands of it and be done. You already kicked them out of your home, so don't invite them back. Hubby made a huge effort to help his parents, they didnt accept or appreciate it so they are now on their own. That's how I would handle it, but I'm very black and white about things. Good luck!

This is horrible. How old are the parents? It's not right for elderly people to be living in such a stressful environment. Sounds like the boyfriend needs to be shown the door - not sure why the sister is so insecure. I don't have an answer for you in terms of your husband's involvement - but I do think he's entitled to say something to the sister and boyfriend - but until the boyfriend and sister come to a point where they're split up I don't think anything will change. bummer.

Family, cant live with em, cant... um. Well ya know. Horrible, unless you plan to be a bed and breakfast with maids and 24 room service. NEVER invite able body parents to move back in. Husband, being the son, and brother tried his best. They slapped him for it. This is a lesson never to interfere again. Be there to hear the problems, give advice only when asked, and then stay the heck out if you can. When my mom was cancer ridden. My oldest sister was being foreclosed on. My mom invited my sister and her 2 sons, to move in the house to help with their situation. They were to help pay mortgage, and help my mom go to chemo and dr appointments. STILL I was the one to come and do it almost every single time. I lived 2 hours away and had an infant at the time. My sister worked part time, had alimony and child support, her oldest boy drove and didnt have a job. My dad was working all the over time he could to make ends meet and pay the medical bills. SO anyway I had to hear all the complaints my mother had about my sister, her grandkids, my dad, and all that came with living together. I then would babysit for my sister and hear about my mom, my dad, and the lack of help from other siblings. When dad would come home for dinner, and we were alone, I heard about my sister, my mom, the grandkids, and the government. SO all in all, this is bound to happen eventually when you have family members living together.
Its even worse now since my mom passed away. My dad moved his seriously eclectic girlfriend and her 19 year old "working" (by that I mean a self proclaimed prostitute) grand- daughter in the house with them. Its been a book to write ever since.
Point? let it roll off, and then dont get that involved again.

While the situation seems a bit strange, here's one take on it. -

Going back to live with SIL, even after what happened, may be the easiest thing financially for them right now. You said they sold all of their stuff and have no place to go, living in a hotel if even for a short while sounds less than appealing. It's too bad they couldn't get along with the boyfriend but that's how it goes sometimes. I'll bet that with the current tension and added stress of the holidays, boyfriend just lost his cool. I'm not saying that's okay, but I'd think the in-laws could at least stay with them until they actually found another place to live. Your husband meant well but really shouldn't feel betrayed by this. Disowning someone is a pretty strong action. Hopefully your family can work things out.

Hi, Mom:
This is the way conflict ends up. The conflict travels in every direction. One of the major things when conflict occurs is to identify the parties. If you are not a party to it, stay neutral, don't take sides. Try to find out the issues and mediate. Learn to be Peacemakers.

Conflict comes up when needs aren't being met. Find out what the need is and see how to find solutions.

Check out your mediation center in your area and take some classes.
Good luck.
D.

I know the tendancy on here is to back the person posting the question and take their side of the story at face value.

I'm going to play Devil's advocate here. I really think people might be missing what's going on here.

I don't think BF is necessarily controlling. Know one knows enough about his part of the equation to come to that conclusion. For one, I suspect this blow up between your sis, her man and the parents didn't happen in a vaccum.

First, you've got two grown adults (parents) who have to cowtow and live with their grown daughter and under her rules. Right there, you've got serious problems cooking, right? No parent wants to be told how to live by their child, let alone financially supported by them. Even if she's an adult and very responsible. Right or wrong, the rules of human behavior say, no matter what, if I'm your parent, I still have final say and control. Somehow, I think when your sis volunteered to save the day, she didn't take this important fact under consideration. So whether boyfriend was living there or not, I think your sis and her parents were destined to have a major confrontation like this.

If it wasn't over the new boyfriend, they would have had a war over something like whose going to be responsible for cooking and cleaning, or who will pay for what, who can have guests when. No matter what, the parents felt they needed to establish their authority because they're her parents, and will always expect to associate with her that way.

I'll bet no one talked about what the rules and expectations of the house would be ...nor were there any boundaries set under this new arrangement. Even now, with them coming back with their tail between their legs, this isn't over yet. Short of them being senile or immobile, they're going to try to run her life and house, and it is going to be explosive until they get fed up and find another arrangement or something worse happens.

Second, are you privy to how the parents are feeling toward your sis because of her recent choice in mate? Have they met the guy before, or only had notions based on what they've heard about him. Sounds like the parents didn't know him well at all...and don't want to know him well...and may have had it in their mind long before they got there, they don't like dude, and pulled parental rank. They probably have been less than kind toward her for some time now when it comes to their opinions of her boyfriend and her life choices. She's probably fed up.

Back to my previous point. I think new boyfriend was the easiest target in the room for their pecking order game. The parents clearly reverted to the high school years and felt rightful in challenging the couple about their living arrangements, their relationship, and started making judgements and condemnations...assuming because they are her parents they could end things quickly and control their living situation, status in their daughter's life and home. Big mistake considering, they're needing a favor from sis and dude. They assumed too much and found out the hard way that she's a big girl and isn't going to put up with much.

I know you're thinking how did your sis do that considering dude was who had the fight and kicked the parents out. Well, I think she sat back and WANTED him to get in their face. I don't think there was any submission or fear on her part whatsoever. If your parents were invading your emotional and personal space, lifestyle choices, and all that comes with that, would you be up for the face to face challenge? The bond between parent and child is strong. She knew what she wanted, and part of what she wanted was to have it her way but to avoid confrontation with her parents. It was classic good cop/bad cop. Believe me, if dude was really a psycho, the parents wouldn't be allowed back in that house. Your family would never see or hear from her again. Nope, I think she sicked her "bulldog" on her parents and now gets to play peacemaker on her own terms now.

On that note, another reason I say boyfriend may not necessarily be controlling, but rightfully defending his place in sis' life and his living space - he may have a financial investment in that house. Do we know if he's paying part if not all of the monthly rent or mortgage? Is he contributing to utilities, food, decor, and other financial obligations to keep the home running? If so, he still has a rightful interest and say in who can and cannot stay in the home. His furniture is probably there. They (he and sis) probably share everything. And clearly, he was generous enough to share his resources with her parents. They aren't even married, so he really had no obligation to do so. But I'll bet he did out of respect for sis. Unfortunately, it sounds like the parents didn't care or take that into consideration. Instead he was prejudged and probably unfairly attacked at face value.

Sorry, but the family needs to back off and butt out of their lives. If the parents don't like their daughter's choice for a mate, they have no right to interfere. They also do not have to live with her either. What's wrong with your home if they need somewhere to crash permanently? If you all get along better, and they need a home it might solve alot of problems. The parents have options, are grown adults, hopefully with the capacity to be self-sufficient and creative enough to find a more suitable living situation.

I disagree with the poster who claims the parents were abusive. They can leave. They don't have to be subject to their daughter and her boyfriend if they don't want to be. It's quite the opposite. I believe sis and her boyfriend were probably emotionally abused by them. They mistakenly opened their home and lives to the parents at their time of need and instead of them showing gratitude and taking the time to get to know the guy better, sis and boyfriend got emotionally raked over the coals, judged and punished. Not cool.

All I can say is, too bad they let the parents come back. This is a powder keg if ever. If this guy is the one, sis needs to set boundaries now, and waste no time getting to the altar. I think the parents have shown their cards and are now on a mission to destroy their relationship and boyfriend has got one heck of a battle on his hands if he wants to protect it. Secondly, why don't they have a house? Not only will they destroy her relationship, they'll probably bring financial ruin to sis as well. This is totally a dysfunctional deal and she needs to wake up and get smart.

Your husband needs to disown them all but in lieu of that, he's going to have to bite his tongue and stay out of it! If either side comes back to him with complaints, drama, etc. then he needs to say "I tried. I'm not losing any more family members or sleep over this. You figure it out."

First reaction is to say that family has been around much longer than SIL's boyfriend, and to make sure she knows that. But after an eerily similar situation, I can say that sometimes parents (although they mean well) can drive their kids' significant other's INSANE!!!! And sometimes they NEED to be yelled at!! Ok, maybe not yelled at. But definitely talked to so that they understand that they can't meddle in every single detail of your love life. Or how your house is arranged. Or what foods you enjoy. Etc, etc, etc... -.- So maybe the boyfriend had a point, as he WAS there before they were, so even though they're family, he was in the house before they were, so he probably feels like the outsider and doesn't like it. I'd say if at all possible, talk to the in-laws about how they could get along better with their daughter and her boyfriend. She may have agreed with how he felt but couldn't defy her parents like he felt comfortable doing, OR, she could just be completely helpless and depends on him & backs him up no matter what. See what the deal is there, but all in all, just be thankful it's not your immediate problem! ...(Unless the In-laws ask to live with you... then look out!)

The boyfriend sounds like an abusive jackhole. I wouldn't "disown" anyone over this when it sounds like the sister and parents need support more than ever. They're all behaving like people who are being actively abused. The red flags are all over the place.

Yes, it's very frustrating when you make the effort to help people in very bad situations and you go so far as to physically set things up for them and involve other people and you spend a lot of time and emotions on the situation... only for them to go back to the situation willingly. But they probably feel as if they have no choice. And that's very common in abusive situations. And they probably feel a lot of shame. If they take your husband up on his offers of help then they have to admit that they're in a very bad situation that they can't handle and can't fix on their own. They can't make it better.

Or maybe they think your SIL will be safer if they're staying there. Maybe your MIL & FIL going back there was because they fear for your SIL's safety while that jackhole is there.

Your husband wasn't betrayed. He should not disown them. What he needs to do is let them know that when they're ready to take him up on his help, he's there.

Ditto what Patty said!!

omg if I was you I'd stay out of it . You cant win no matter what side you take . There family. If Sister forgave parents I'm sure she will forgive your brother.