Family Dilema

Times are tough for a lot of people. Many people are living together multi-generational. This living arrangement can be positive. However, I believe it would benefit you for you and your husband to have your own bedroom. It may hurt your mom's feelings, but I think it would be better for your marriage to have some privacy. Remember living in anyone's home is not going to be easy. If you don't already have a relationship with your mother-in-law, start building one.

Next, I think if your mom could still help with childcare, she will not feel left out of the helping you situation and still stay connected to your daughter. Don't feel too bad about how your daughter is attaching to your mom, because it happens in all childcare situations. That's why in an ideal world one parent could always be at home, but we don't live in that world, so we do the best we can. Don't let your mom make you feel bad. And don't listen to her about your husband. If she asks why you are leaving, tell her you need the privacy and you need more emotional support not husband bashing. However, I also think that if your husband is working part time, he should be taking care of your daughter when he is not working. That may be difficult at any place you are sharing a home with another woman who may want to just take over for him, but you'll need to talk to him about how important it is for him to be helping to raise your daughter. Remember here that he will do things differently than you would and that's okay and good.

Another thought...has he looked for a job that has a shift other than your's say swing shift. He may have to look for work that is other than what he is used to. (I know the Sutter Foundation in Northern California always has jobs posted for swing and graveyard shifts of janitorial and food service and when I was looking on line the starting pay wasn't bad.)

I'm sorry that so new in your marriage you are having to go through this, but be strong and your marriage will strengthen. You'll be able to look back and feel good and proud about how you made it through these tough times together.

Hugs,

J.

I have been in a similiar situation when I had to go to work and leave my then 4 month old with my wonderful next door neighbor while I worked. The difference is that I also had a almost three year old daughter and my husband and I were in the process of divorcing.
As time passed my son got very attached to not only my lady neighbor but also her husband. My son wanted to be with them even though I knew he also needed and wanted his Mommy. At first I got jealous because of his "love" for them. This soon passed as I realized that he was so loved and taken care of by them that they turned into his family also.
That was almost 40 years ago and I have the most well adjusted grown man ever. He was so loved by them and me that he was lucky to have two families to love and encourage him through not only his childhood but into manhood.
I would look at the positive of your Mom loving and giving her grandchild what a Grandma can give and just know that your daughter knows who is who. An answer could be leaving her with your Mom during the time you work and move in with your in-laws so your husband and you can have more privacy and your Mom will get her house back. This could be a win win situation for you entire family as long as everyone can look at the positive and not dwell on the negative parts.
Just the fact that you both have family that want to help and support all of you is a blessing. There are lots of folks who are living out of their cars with babies and small children.
Good luck and enjoy that baby!

I too am in the Real estate industry as a sales rep, I know what the job industry is like. Like others said, do what's best for you and your family. Having your own room might be a good thing. As for your mom. I so know what your talking about with them sticking their nose in your marriage. As hard is it is for them to stay out but, they need to. Parents have place in that department, they need to stay out unless you or your children are in harm. You need to let her know that it just isn't her place to "help" you in your marriage. Do let her know the help with your baby and the bond the have has been a wonderful thing. Remember many of us moms don't have family around. Both mine and my husbands are out of state and we have no family to help with anything ever. Also try to look at it from her eyes. Having some one on your couch, a baby in your home, etc.. Plus how would you feel if your daughter was going through this. As mom's we just want the best for our kids but don't always know how to go about it.
In a nut shell do what's best for you but try to look at this from all sides.
This won't last for ever. Stand by your man, this is hard for him too - not being able to provide for his wife and baby. That can be VERY humiliating for a man.
Best of luck
K

I am a mom and grandmother who thinks you should do what you feel is best for you and your family. We had my mom living with me for 13 years when my kids were little; it couldn't have worked but she stayed out of our business and let us make our own decisions, mistakes, etc., with never an "I told you so". I am in the same position today; adult unmarried daughter of twins living in our home. It is NOT easy, but only works because I have to let my daughters decisions about her little family be her own. I have to remember that I'm only there to help IF she asks for it. If she were to need to move for whatever reason, I would, even it I didn't feel it in my heart, have to let her make her own decision. Do what you need to for your own family. Your situation is hard enough on you and your little family without your mom putting added pressure on all of you.

Hi,

I am so sorry to hear you are going through this rough time~ My thoughts on this are :

GO with your gut reaction
DO What is best for your family-regardless of other's opinions.

Moving to your MIL sounds like a better situation-since you will have more privacy- more consistency for your baby and more of a place to call your own- living in a living room sounds awful! It has to be so stressful and cramped.

Good luck to you~ Things will get better.

Molly

If I was in you position, I would say move. I would want the privacy of my own room. Hopefully your mom can still watch your little girl while you are at work.
I say pray on it and it will all work itself out. We have to put our faith in Jehovah (God).

Hi A.,

Live in the place you will be most comfortable for the long haul.

We will not be coming out of this depression anytime soon. We will see the next year get worse. I don't doubt we will have 5 or 6 years ahead of us of SERIOUS financial downturn (unemployment will continue to rise). I have been studying the charts fromt he 30's depression and comparing them to this one. They are eerily identical- down to the same month of the stock market crash, and for the same reasons.
We are currently in a deflationary period. It has been that way for a year or more. Deflation is a scary spot to be in, because that is when banks have the hardest time staying afloat. It was during the deflation of the 1930 - 1933 time period that we saw thousands of banks folding, each year getting worse. The comparison years for us would be late 2009 to 2012. The other thing we need to think about is hyperinflation, which can hit like lightening. That is what happens when a country starts printing tons of money, (which we have been doing since 2008.) Go online and lookup hyperinflation. You need to be ready. Stock up on anything you need (FOOD especially, diapers, formula, etc). The next few years are going to be hard but with some preparation you can do it. Hang in there and be on your best behavior with family, you will need to lean on them.

Buy a Bible and read the wonderful promises God has for you in it. We cannot put our trust in man, but in him alone. God never said we wont go through hard times, but he did say he would walk beside us through them. With him as our rock we can go through anything.

Blessings,
Gail

Joan H. has some very thoughtful suggestions for you. I agree that it sounds like the living arrangements with your in-laws would be better for you. Please, whatever you do, be sensitive to the emotional needs of your Mom. Your relationship with her is important, and you need to try to sit down with her and have a heart to heart in which you can express to her your needs as well as your love and appreciation to her for all she's done for you.
When a family finds they need to share living arrangements things do tend to get "sticky". It takes a lot of diplomacy to keep from having hurt feelings, but it's worth the effort. I've "been there, done that" from both sides.. as the 'host' for family when they needed a place to stay and as the 'guest' for nearly two years in my daughter's home. You have to as the 'guest' remember that it is your Mom's place (and presumably soon it will be your MIL's place) but still retain your own family identity as much as possible within that situation. Try to get your Mom to see your side by demonstrating in word and deed that you are trying your best to see her side of things.

Greetings Azuena: I hope that I just missed it but you don't sound all that grateful for the people that have bailed your family out of trouble.
I hope that you have expressed gratitude to your mother for all that she has done for you and your family. She is making sacrifices that you may not be aware of-- privacy, time, providing for your food and shelter.
I have children that have gotten into real estate and the mortgage business and all have hit bottom because reality is so much harder than the dream the mortgage bussiness hands out. You mentioned a business that you hope will grow. As a business owner I know that it takes money to make money and if you have not seen it moving forward in 3 years it may never in this time of the world situation- I just hope it is not one of the many things where you build upon someone else's sells because those are a nightmare as I have seen many get caught in them.
I have been willing to help my children for as long as they need it as long as they were doing everything in their power to improve themselves.
I don't know if you are paying your mother to care for the baby- but you ought to check out what people charge - good safe places and then realize what all of your expenses are and if it takes working at Sub Way then your husband ought to step to the plate and do it. I have seen my son work 2 jobs so that his wife can only work part time to be with their children & family help out otherwise. I have a daughter who had the belief her fortune was all in mortgage and she is now working as a waitress, bartender, andparttime Nanny to keep up with her bills. They do all my house and yard up keep and we agree that we will all get through this as long as we remember that we are a family and a team and leave out the selfish, poor me attitudes when they can't have things their way. Having 3 generations in one house can work it just takes alot of compromise. But that said it is my home and I have set the standards I want in it- the same ones that they grew up with by the way and all 5 of them made it to be great people.
As for which place you should live-PLEASE let his parents have you for awhile and see if he doesn't get the encouragement to get out there and provide for the family and not have others do it. When you got married it was his responsibility to take care of the family. I know that being a young mother is hard enough without all the other things going on and the pain and stress. You also feel bad that someone else has to help raise your child as you can't 100% now-- but it is wonderful that it is family. If you share any of that pain with another person then you can't expect them not to respond and try to help. If you are accepting help in any other fashion besides a place to live then you can't expect not to have people say anything to you either. You invited that situation when you took the help.
I take time to listen to all of the adults that live here some pro and some con- I don't have to remind them they have made selfish and unwise decisions they know that. It is just their job to get out of it now not mine. Good Luck and I wish you well. Nana G

Cleave to your husband. Read the book Boundaries by Henry Cloud and create a hedge of protection around your family from judgement. Support your husband as he goes through this, honor him, work hard, kiss your daughter, appreciate the good in your mother and do not let any one offend you. Be extra appreciative and respectful of his mother, read Dave Ramsey and follow your own life ...

One line you said in your "what happened" paragraph has me worried - you say you're 'on your husband' (regarding his responsibilities). Please don't come down on, but be encouraging, be the wind beneath his wings so to speak. My brother has a wife who is always nagging him and he has ZERO motivation now. Men need to be believed in, and expected to, before they will succeed (some of them anyway.) Be his teammate & cheerleader, instead of a 'responsibility' or chore for him to do.

hi, I think having your own room and bath is ideal for your family right now. Do you think your MIL will also be involved in your marriage/family issues? you need to do what is best for you and your family. Will your mom still be watching your daughter? You should at least consider keeping that going. Your in-laws will see her in the evenings while your parents have her during the day. Good luck and I hope things turn out for the best.

Move OUT! Having your own room will allow you guys to have a little private family time, and getting space from your mom may allow her to see how hurtful and damaging the things she's saying are to you.
You are your daughter's mom whether you work or not, and it sounds like your husband is making an honest effort to find work, but the economy is definitely in the tank! The longer you stay and let her say things like that, the more likely it is that she'll cost you your marriage--been there, done that, believe me!
Living with in-laws IS hard, but your hubby has been doing it, so maybe you can endure for a while, and hope something comes along.

good luck!

Let your mom know that you really appreciate all that she has done for you. Just tell her you feel that you need to give your husbands mom a chance to help you out as well and that you feel it's important for you and your husband to have a space of your own and that you will have that over there. Just let her know that she will still be able to see your daughter. I would definatly move out of her house because she is obviously not being as supportive as she thinks she is (those comments she has made are very destructive). I also think that if your husband isn't already taking care of your daughter while you are at work, he should be if he's only working part time. And maybe living at his parents house will help him to get motivated to find a better job (but it is not easy in the this market, so don't get discouraged).

Hi A.,

God bless your soul for having the love of both sides. If you have a higher power than your human self, pray.

I have had to live with Mother in law, while changing houses. I would look within and decide how strong is your inlaw relationships. If this would break down the relationship. Do remember your own Mother may feel emotions of being desserted. Grandchildren are a factor. Your own private life being exposed to the inlaw's.

Sometimes the inlaw's become our best family members and other times they don't quite connect as they did not experience our growth.

Well meditate slowly and discuss all factors with husband.
We are all experiencing the impact of the economy falling and failing us as all here in U.S.

Breath in Breath out : Repeat 20 times :)

A.,

Studio apartment would be better for all concerned, but a private room with a private bath, seems better then sleeping in someone's front room.

I feel your pain, been there, wasn't fun, could wait to have my own place again....and I love my family dearly, just don't want to live with them.

Blessings....

Family situations can be so difficult. I'm going through a doozy right now myself. It sounds like to me that need to move. I am sure your mother is upset, she probably feels as though you're choosing someone else over her. She will, however, get over it with time and she will see that you and your husband need some space. I think it would be so much better for you guys to have your own room - somewhere where the three of you can spend quality family time and build the familial bonds. Again, i think your mom will come around especially if you make sure that you call her every day after you move, at least for the first few weeks to a month. let her know you still need her support and advice, but you also needed just a bit more room.

You're in a tough spot. However, putting feelings aside, it does sound to me like moving in with your Mother-in-law may give your family a little privacy - your own room. That means so much. When you go to sleep at night you won't have to worry about someone coming in to get something and waking you in the process. Not to mention your husband and you will be able to have private conversations and all the other things married people have and need.

Move in with your mother-in-law.

As for your mother, well, she's afraid you will leave and doesn't want to lose taking care of the baby - no matter how much she say's different.

You ARE a mother; and your husband has become a victim of the times. This is not so different than what happened to families during the great depression, and that generation was later called,” the greatest generation”.

Again, you NEED to do what is best for your family, IE...husband, child & you - no other, and move. Get some peace and then you all will be able to rebuild.

You sound like a very nice person and I can only say, "walk a mile in someone's shoes, they you have the right to an opinion".

Know there are people out here who care who you can always talk to.

Best of luck,
D. Jones

I'm so sorry that your own mother said you are not really a mother. That must have hurt so much, especially on top of everything else you're going through! She probably said it because her feelings are hurt that you're thinking about going to live with your mother-in-law instead of her (and perhaps she's frustrated with her son-in-law?) but that's still no excuse, it's immature and mean :(
I think you and your husband really need to go over the pros and cons and decide together which home will cause the least amount of stress on your marraige and daughter. I hope that things get better for you all very soon.

It sounds to me like you are making good choices, although you are in a bad situation. It's not your husband's fault that he's unemployed--- lots of people are losing their jobs right now. It sounds to me like your mom is just upset that you're having a hard time, and she's taking it out on your husband. You should tell her, frankly, that although you appreciate her being there for you, that you intend to give your husband all the support you can during this difficult time, because you promised to take him "for richer or for poorer" when you married him. Let her know that you are moving to your husband's mother's place because she has more room, and ask your mom to help you out, by continuing to care for your daughter, and by understanding your situation and not badmouthing your husband. Best of luck to you.

As a licensed family child care provider, spending up to ten hours a day with my babies and kids, I know it is really difficult for Moms and Dads to be away so long. Not living with your Mom would help so your little girl would be with just you and Daddy on nights and weekends. And your Mom would still care for her while you were at work, right? Your Mom needs to encourage you to be with your daughter without her input. And at his Mom's house, you would have your own room and bath which would be good for your little family of three. It is rough right now as so many of my parents have been laid off, getting lessers jobs, etc. Keep trying and keep the love in your heart for your family.
F.