Family Changes - Park Ridge,NJ

I guess if we knew the reason why they were moving in, answers can be more specific. Did their Mom pass away it do they just not get along with mother and think it will be better with you. Two very different scenarios call for two different way of handling.

Wow, what a lot to go through. As hard as this is for you, I can't imagine how difficult it is for the two teens to leave their friends and their home, move across the country, and move in with a father they barely know as well as a stepmom and 2 little ones. I'm a stepmom of 2 girls so I know the challenges.

On the plus side, the girls are old enough to voice their opinions and wishes. I think it's nice to tell them what your schedule is but you should also make it clear that you know YOUR schedule will change to accommodate them as well. I'd tell them that you'll all work together and take it one day at a time. Set up some meetings with the school about how to successfully integrate new kids who have gone through a major life change, may have a sense of loss as well as fears of being accepted in a new school, fears of changes in curriculum, etc. I'd also look into a family counselor so the kids can have support and you can work together to establish bonds and a sense of security. Be aware that teens often don't share a lot - especially with people they don't know (like you and their father as well as a counselor).

I wouldn't do too much in their room(s) right now - let them know that you'll take them out to help them purchase some things to make the rooms their own. Hopefully they will bring some of their own things with them. But a new home can be a metaphor for the new family - you're all starting fresh in a way.

Let them sit with you and their father (or just him) to develop some family rules - you'll have the final say of course, but giving them a chance to have input is a major step in giving them some control over their lives. They are in a position of feeling they have ZERO control, so you will have a better get-acquainted period if they have some investment in setting up guidelines.

Let your husband be more of the parent than you - I know that is hard for you but he is their father. I don't know what the story is with their mother, but it may be harder for them to accept you right off the bat if they are conflicted about their mother, missing her, being angry at her, etc. It's not your job to take care of everyone else - everyone is going to have needs here, including you. I really think professional help is going to be key so you understand what they've been through, can voice what you are feeling, and have a sounding board as well as objective advice.

You might read up on family meetings and how to organize/run them.

The big difference between children the ages of yours and a teen is that you do unilaterally make and enforce rules. Families do best when they involve the teens in decisions. I suggest you only have 2-3 basic rules when they arrive. See how that goes. Tell them that after they're settled and everyone gets to know each other that they will have input in making rules and deciding on what will work for everyone.

Please, please find a way to relax. Your own children and the girls will feel your tension and add to it with their own. For me, positive affirmations help a lot. Think of short positive words to tell yourself. One of mine is "I can do this." Then I fake it til I make it. You'll be surprised how much positive words will change your feelings.

I also recommend reading How to Talk With Teens so They will . Can't think of exact title. It's by Adele Faber. Also Parenting teens With Love And Logic by Foster Cline. Sal Severe is an author that provides good information. I took a class from him. Love and Logic people also give classes. Look at their Web site. They may have a group in your area that could provide support.

You can do this! You will learn as you go along. I recommend family counseling for all of you. And watch for parenting classes where you will learn about parenting teens but also meet other parents.

When are they arriving? You will take them to school and get them registered. You could find out which school and call before hand what you need to register them. The school will ask you to get records from their previous school. Your husband can write to that school now and asked be sent to the new school. Call your school district office to learn which school they'll be in.

You say teen. How old are they? My granddaughter is 14 and a freshman in high school. As are nearly all teens she is moody. It's best to not argue with them. Teens also like to be independent. As you get to know them you'll learn how much independence is safe for them. Just as with 2 yo's give choices whenever possible. Give them a budget and let them decorate their room. Let them choose their own clothes. Once you know what supplies are needd for school let them choose what they want.

It's OK to not know what to do with teens. I adopted my daughter at 7 and had no other kids. I learned as I went along. It's OK to tell them you are learning right along with them. I did read several parenting books and took classes provided by CSD. I've found classes through the school, at a hospital and found them in the newspaper or on the Internet. You may find a parent support group.

You can do this! Go slow in getting to know them. Show that you care. Let them know this is also new to you. You will not be even close to perfect but with love and compassion you will do OK. A term I like is be a good enough parent. Any parent who loves themselves and their children is a good enough parent. You will grow to love them. That, too, will take time.

I think you are having a normal response to a situation like this. I'm so sorry for the stress you are feeling!

Sometimes we can't change our situation, but we can change our mindset. If you start thinking about every possible stressful scenario, it will only make you feel more anxious. Stop that tailspin process. Take slow breaths. Focus on right now. You are safe right now in this moment. Then think of positive things in your life, big and small, simple contained things. Example: 1. my husband. 2. watching my two year old dance. 3. that caramel latte I had after breakfast. Continue until your emotions are finally under your control again. (I do this all the time, it seems stupid, but it really helps me during moments of anxiety) Its a simple refocusing, it stops us from feeding our anxiety.

Oh my! You think YOU are nervous, imagine yourself in THEIR shoes? How traumatic, I can't imagine what it must be like for THEM to be moving in with people they barely know, and leaving their home, school, friends, etc.
I know you are stressed but I hope you can remain calm and compassionate. And I sure as Hell hope your husband is taking full responsibility and not relying on you to do everything...

Just breath. Relish the fact that while yes, you have to parent two teens you hardly know, at least they are potty trained! LOL!!! You should be able to communicate with them (unlike when you bring a newborn baby home).

Take a chance to relax...maybe tell hubby you need him to watch the kids for a bit and go get a massage, facial, mani/pedi...whatever will help you relax for a bit.

You need to calm down. Relax- take a day off, get your hair and Nails done, maybe a massage and facial? Take a breath and accept all the chaos. Hope I helped

Lots of advice and experience here - I await your many questions.

Relax as much as possible. You have a big learning curve ahead of you, but keep a positive attitude, laugh, and try to enjoy your new, larger family.

IMO, you and DH sit down and determine house rules, and then you and he present them to the family. Then you let him be the heavy on his kids and you back him up. Parenting stepteens is different than parenting your own kids even if you are all in the same house all the time. Remember that you don't just hit puree. You all need time to adjust and you need to communicate, communicate, communicate. And give it all time. One of the worst things my mom did was hand the reins to her then DH and let him run the house, when I was 18 and my sister 14. What would have been better was if she allowed our relationship to grow and she was still the Big Boss when it came to us. Leave things like grounding to HIM and you only worry about what really affects you in that moment, IMO. Look for positive family moments, and understand this will be a long process. When the girls have questions, take time to listen. Their world will be much different, too.

Well, This does eem like a stressful situation,but don't worry about it all day. I think they are at the age where they know how tomanage thmselves, and you guys only need tohelp them on the way. You just try your best. Just think about it like this, you would have had to deal with teenagers at some point,so why not now?

Wow! If it were my situation, I would make big efforts to spend time alone with each girl, have lunch and just get to know them better. He needs to do the same. Very stressful and awkward for everyone. I wish you guys the best and smoothest of transitions! :)

Honestly being a stepmom is no walk in the park, especially to two girls who you don't know. Being a stepmom to three kids for many years I can tell you that you need to first assess the situation and figure out how involved you want to be and what their father's role should be in all of this, then you should think about why they're moving away from their mother and how that will play out emotionally on all of you (and it will), if at all possible you or your husband should reach out to their mother and not only know what they like to eat but also learn more about them, their activities, their issues (all teenage girls have drama as we all know), etc. The most important thing is for you not to lose focus of your own kids while you're getting to know these two girls. You may want to think about stepping aside at first and just observing the dynamics between the girls and their dad to figure out what your role is in all this. Don't jump in and try to be their mom, it's always better to observe first and then get into an appropriate role that will make everyone comfortable without resentment. It'll take time but you'll get there.

NO you should not and will not be parenting his teenage daugthers. Please leave that up to him.

Your role is to get to know them.

I never would have sent the girls and email about the logistics of their coming to your house but reserved that for when they arrived. You get to establish the rules in your house and set them in sand or stone. It's easier to do that the first day any new person comes to your house.

While you are the stepmom, you ARE NOT their parent so their dad will need to step up and step in. It will make things easier for when things come up and they will.

Family counseling should occur too.

Before our marriage was six months old we ended up with his son added to our family through court order. I knew day 1 I was not nor never would be his mother. My job was to not be the evil step mother. LOL. In the beginning I started out by getting to know him. His father is the one who let him know what responsibilities he had around the house. I would let him help me do things and teach him stuff and take him shopping. I was the fun parent. His dad was the real parent. Here we are 4 years later and I am more of a mother to this child than his own mom but I am still loving the fact that I defer discipline to his dad. My husband actually disciplines both my bioson and his son. It's a beautiful thing. If we had a girl I would probably be more hands on with the instructing on how to be lady but I have no clue as to how to teach them to be men from a first hand perspective.

The best advice I can give you. Is laugh much. Life is short and they grow up quickly. Try to laugh as much as you can. Get to know them individually. Require respect from them but also give them respect and give them time. Expect them to live up to your expectations for them. Raise the bar high and encourage much. Avoid being the evil/wicked step mom.