I have been married and living my new husband and his two daughters for 8 days. His wife has been passed for 4 years now and he is a very laid back parent with his two daughters. I have always known that and it always seem to be working. Both girls are honors students, very ambitious and seemingly well behaved.
I have been very frustrated this week with his oldest. His only real rules for the girls is that they have to come straight home from school\sports\clubs and complete all homework before anything else. She will come home do her home work, eat dinner and then leave only to come home at her curfew, 11pm. I talked to her dad the first time it happened (Tuesday night) and he laughed and said that she likes to go hang out at a 24hour grocery store with a couple of her friends once or twice a week. He said he use to drive her but then a friend got their license and just picks her up now. I don't like this but I don't want to step on toes so I stayed hands off.
She did this again on thursday and I talked to her last night about it. She said that they just walk around stores and things, occasionally going to restaurants for snacks or desert. She said there is a group of 4 or 5 of them that do it a couple times a week for exercise.
This seems like a lie to me. As good as a kid as she is no 14 year old walks around a store for exercise. She was honest that it is a rotating group of people that do it and that it's most Juniors and Seniors with only a couple of freshman and sophomores and that it is as she put it 'very coed'. He has rules about if they want to date that they must have the first date at the house so he can meet them and I feel like she is trying to pull one over on my husband with this. How do I bring this up to him without sounding like a wicked stepmom?
"he is a very laid back parent with his two daughters... and it always seems to be working. Both girls are honors students, very ambitious and seemingly well behaved"
If it ain't broke don't fix it.
sorry - you sound like a troll..
Sorry - but really? You JUST married the guy and you didn't know about how his family worked BEFORE you married him?? Are you a 'mail order" bride???
1. No 14 year old should be able to do as she pleases.
2. Nevada has a teen driving law...your husband should really do some research on that...
What is it exactly that you want??? You want to come in and change everything?? Okay...how about a family meeting and talk about your concerns and why you feel a 14 year old should NOT be out unsupervised on a school night until 11PM....
why not work on things TOGETHER????
If you've been living there for just 8 days, there is no way you will be a successful stepmother if you start confronting either child with her current routine. You don't sit her down and start talking about what she's doing and with whom, unless you are very gently expressing interest and getting to know them. I'm really kind of surprised that your husband hasn't shared any info about his children and their daily routines during your entire courtship. Surely knowing what goes on in the house was part of your getting to know him and what you were getting into! Or wasn't it?
You cannot come in and make changes, and you cannot come in and express your suspicions. That will pit your husband against you or against his daughters, and you won't win that one. I tell you this as an experienced stepmother who did some things right and who would like to do some things differently if I had a do-over. Your job right now is only to develop a relationship and get everyone used to you living in that house. This is a HUGE adjustment for these girls.
Right now, he knows his kids better than you do. You weren't even aware that the one goes out every night, so your husband has not been very forthcoming with you. That doesn't mean he's hiding anything, only that he doesn't consider any of this a big deal.
I'm also really shocked that 14 year old has an 11 PM curfew. That's completely irresponsible and it flies in the face of every single study about teens' learning and exhaustion issues in school. I'm also highly doubtful that the teen driving is old enough to drive anyone but family members, so either there's a violation of the provisional driver's license (not sure about your state laws), or your husband doest think there's a problem with a 14 year old girl running around with 17 and 18 year olds. I think he should ask himself what much older teens see in a 14 year old. But that's up to your husband to figure out.
I agree that he is probably naive about what she's doing for "exercise" walking around a 24 hour market or mall, but it's not your call. So far, the kids are keeping their grades up and behaving, at least in front of parents and teachers. I think it's best for you if you just ask him how you can be supportive and get to know the girls, while billing a family routine of trust and support. There's plenty of time to get involved if things go south. I'd be sure that he attends all the high school programs about keeping kids safe, that he check her cell phone and computer, and so on. It would be great if once in a while he had to go to the store for an errand to see if his kid is really there. He's not their friend - he's their father. But if you come into this family and within the first 2 weeks are already grilling the kids and turning their routine on its ear, you'll sabotage any chance you have for a good relationship with them.
Leave it be. You came into the family late and they probably resent you. Make home very fun for the younger daughter so that the 14 year old will see that she is missing fun when she is not at home.
I am a stepmom. 8 days is not enough time for you to start getting involved unless the child is actively doing drugs, not following dad's rules or hurting someone. I am sure like most of us your intentions are really good- you think I married your dad, there is no mom figure so it is my responsibility to step in and do it. Its not. You married their dad.They didn't have a choice in it.
Now you have the earn the respect and right to be an influence on their life - it is your home, so if they are being disrespectful or dirty talk to their dad. But things that happen in regards to their development leave it alone for at least a year if not longer. If you start meddling without building the relationship first will backfire on you. I promise. By the way - it sounds like for girls who lost their mother 4 years ago that they are doing pretty great.
He's their dad, he makes the rules for them. Not your problem really. If they are old enough to be going places with their peers and those kids are driving then I assume they're also near the age to be driving. 11pm is not an unheard of curfew for kids that old.
You do sound like the wicked step mom and if you continue down this path you're going to alienate them within a few days. Life will be hell from that point on. If it's bad enough he might have to chose between them and you and any parent should choose their kids over a spouse.
Well, for one, you just moved in. I would give it a lot more time. I would (as frustrating as it may be) try to not sweat the small stuff, and let him be the sheriff in town. You're just the deputy. You're also dealing with older kids who have not had you in their home for 14 years. My SS was 13 when I married his dad and moved in.
They might actually just walk around. I used to walk laps around a football field in HS, never actually watching the game. Just wandering with friends. You have to decide why this is bothering you and if it's something you really need to address with your DH or deal with in yourself.
Frankly, if you think she's skirting his rules, then it is up to him to enforce them, not you. You can mention that you don't think it's entirely kosher, but you also have to bear in mind, he's the one that lets her do it. Is this a mountain you want to die on? My DH would allow my HS aged SD to attend co-ed cast party overnights and I said my piece and he said he trusted her and I let it go. If she was going to find trouble, she could just as easily do it by telling me her rehearsal ended later than it really did, or skip school or whatever, too. I'm a "follow the rules" person, and I had to learn it's not always black and white. Would you feel better if she asked to go out? If she told you what her plan was? If she had her cell phone fully charged?
Also, from a former stepkid perspective, coming in and right away wanting to shake things up is not going to win over the kid, either. My mother married a really annoying man when we were teens. If he'd had his way, we'd have been on lockdown, when we did nothing wrong. We were good kids. But he wanted that control and had no idea how to relate to teenagers. It did not go well.
Blending a family is a misnomer. It takes a lot of time. I'm still working on that, 11 years later. Don't try to hit puree.
I think you need to slow your roll. Back up and keep in mind that he has been parenting these girls alone for the past 4 years, and they are successful, well behaved, and HE trusts them. Do NOT just jump in after 8 days and expect that you're going to take on a parent role now. You're not. Not for quite a while. You need to communicate your concerns RESPECTFULLY with your husband and defer to him on all parenting matters until he has deemed that you may begin to step into the role. To do otherwise is unrealistic and will set a bad tone in your marriage and as your role as step mom.
I know you mean well, but this isn't yet your place.
You've been there for 8 days and these girls are in their teens. I think you need to back up. Your role as "stepmom" will develop over time, but at this point, you need to let your husband continue to raise his daughters and work on easing yourself into their lives MUCH more gently.
I don't know how old the younger one is, but at 14, the chances that you will EVER really be co-parenting this child are very slim. It takes roughly the number of years of the age of a child at the time you join the family for the family to really feel BLENDED. So she'll be well into adulthood and out of the house before then...
Instead, focus on being married to her dad and having a healthy relationship with her that does NOT involve trying to change ANYTHING about they way he parents her.
I'm not sure you can say anything as long as her Dad's ok with it.
I'd ask him how he plans to deal with grandchildren if/when his daughter starts having them before she graduates.
better to be a wicked stepmom , then mom to a unplanned step grandkid! my diaper changing days are over, thank you very much..tell her dad about her co ed outings andlet him deal with them, she wants to go out co ed..let her daddy drive her..she's not your problem, she's not your kid. you have been married to him to 8 days, how long has miz co ed been going out ? its his kid, its his problem, if its been going on for any amount of time, he more then likely already knows about it, he just didnt tell you..tell him, let him deal with it..K. h.
