This is a really tough subject to get on the internet to ask about! But here it goes!
Im a single mother of two kids a girl 5 years(anxiety,epilipsey)and a boy 4 years(adhd)
My mother recently died in a car wreck in February 2008. We recently moved in with my dad to help him at his house and to help with my kids.
Since my mother died (the kids nanna) my son has been very aggresive towards me and other family members but a lot towards me. He is really aggresive when he has gone to visit his great grandparents (my moms parents and his only great grandparents) from the time we get in the car from visiting them he will hit, kick, bite, scream,spit, pinch etc etc. He has left bruises on me and his sister before. Since two days after my mom died he has been going to a play theripist and does better. But my grandmother believes that Im making it all up because hes an "Angel" with her and minds and is sweet with her. She thinks Im too hard on him and lectuares me all the time when we do visit about how im raising my children. He has ran into the street laughing at us while doing it and she said he didnt mean too! I spanked him on the bottom and got yelled at by her. Also, everytime we visit grandma she says nanna or her name every other sentence my daughter is fine with it but my son it causes problems. The theripist has said to not mention her infront of him unless he himself brings it up. Thats how we deal with it at home and it works great no problems! My grandmother believes that is wrong and she has to mention their nanna so that they know and remember their nanna. My son cant handle this Ive told her time and time again! But she puts it down that Im a bad parent and has threatened me with they have grandparent rights! and that my son is better of living with them and maybe thats what they need to do is fight for custody of him they can raise him better then me. I dont mind them seeing them but they have got to start respecting how im raising my children. My grandfather does not have the patience for the children ecspecially my son who has adhd my grandad has gotten upset for my son not listenning and shook him very hard and it scared my son and me. I will not leave him at their house and dread ever going over there do to all this drama. Am I wrong in this? Any other suggestions about getting them to understand?
Thankyou for all the advice, support and prayers. I finally told my grandmother that if she isnt going to respect how Im raising my children and adbide by my rules wiht out contridicting them infront of my children then we cant go to her house to see her. We are going ot tell her that she is welcome to come to our house to see the children but it is only when she has called before hand (not just stopping by she welcomes herself in if we dont get right to the door) she has to call and when she comes no mentioning of nanna (unless the chil brings it up per thereipist) no contridicting of my rules, if she does then she is to leave because it is hurting my children and me physically and emotionally. I am the parent Im to raise my children she is the greatgrandparent she is to enjoy the children not raise them! Also my children are not going to be left alone with the grandparents. Im praying every day that God give me the strenght to keep on going and be strong about all of this and stand my ground!
God Bless! Thankyou so much everybody!
I believe that Grandparent rights laws have changed...you may want to investigate that a little before you worry too much about it.
Good luck.....hugs....
Grandparent rights????? I'm speechless.
All I have to say is, WOW! You have so much on your plate! I am so very sorry for your loss and everything that you're going through!
But, YOU are the parent! If she isn't going to respect how you want to raise your children, then she needs to be taken out of the equation for a little while so that your son can heal.
Grandparent's rights are an iffy topic and I seriously doubt that a judge would grant custody to them anyway, especially if she's doing things that undermine your authority over your kids in front of him. BAD!
Do what YOU think is right and nevermind anyone else. I think it sounds like you are doing a good job.
Oh, wow! I have stopped and prayed for you.
I am the mother of a special needs child. I can kind of empathize with you about your situation. I know it is tough. I agree that you may want to look into assisted housing to try and get a fresh start. (I helped my sister get into one to get back on her feet after her divorce and now she is about to buy a house with her 2 kids.)
If you are afraid of the kids staying with someone for fear of their safety, you may want to take someone with you when you do go to see them.
I would also suggest that you limit the visits to your grandmother's home until you are able to get the issue resolved. I would call before you go and let her know that you are bringing the children to see her NOW not the memories of BEFORE. Tell her that if she brings up nanna to the children that you will take them and leave. Don't plan on staying long until you know you can.
I don't know what else to suggest.
Blessings for you and the little ones.
P. <><
Just remember that Grandma has lost someone too and she must be devastated.
No worries on her rights to take your kids....
However, I'd get out of there is I were you. You and your kids need your own place. I know it's hard, but you need to get out.
Whenever you're under a parents roof or care, no matter how much you're doing for them, they aren't going to see you as independent and they're going to boss you around. Grandma sees you living with Dad and sees you as unable to care for yourself. Doesn't matter if it's true or not.
It's just the way it is... so get out. Put time and distance between you. Work with your kids in therapy. Your son needs alot of work now or you are going to be in big trouble later. ADHD is very challenging and being a single mom makes it harder.
Get out and make a life of your own, with your own rules, which includes time with the relatives but you determine the rules for that too (you don't have to tell anyone what they are but you have mental rules for those meetings, don't let them cross over into telling you what to do).
Good luck.
First, I am so very sorry to hear of your mom's passing. What a difficult time you and your family must still be having. That being said, I think that I would try to get into counseling for you and your kids. Then, I think that I would either stop visiting w/grandma for awhile. If that's not a choice then speak to her without the kids around. Tell her how her actions are undermining your ability to raise your kids, causing your son great distress and this is what you'd like for her to do. Be very clear in your expectations of her behavior and boundaries that you'd like to put into place. If she persists in using the threat of "grandparents rights" and "getting custody" call her bluff. No court will remove your son. You're not doing anything illegal. As for your grandad shaking your son-this is abusive. I honestly wouldn't be taking my kids over to their house. Best of luck to you and your family.
First up - the only grandparent rights are if they are the biological parents of the children's deceased biological parent, and those allow them to petition the court for visitation if the child's other parent won't otherwise let them see the kid. Being the grandparents of the mother gets you diddly in the courts. The next time that she says this (if you plan to make good on what follows), suggest that she go ahead and see a lawyer. Let her know that he can call your lawyer, and the next time she sees your kids will be when she apologizes for threatening your children's stability. (Because unless you're selling drugs in front of the kids, any lawyer is going to tell her she is NUTS.. Texas law allows parents to use corporal punishment as long as it is "not excessive" and "for the good of the child".)
Seriously consider not taking your children over there. Your son acts nuts because your grandmother refuses to respect the fact that you're the parent, and your grandfather doesn't have patience with the kids. Are you seriously ok with signing yourself up for this kind of headache?
nogreaterjoy.org
S.
Wow! Grandparents rights I believe, are only brought up in extreme problem cases (which yours isn't), and don't necessarily carry much weight. Your grandmother is overwrought, I think. She may be dealing with her own grief over her daughter's death - in a strange way - by bringing her up all the time. Perhaps you could talk to her about this privately, share your grief together - that may help the whole situation.
If that's not the case, I hate to say this, but you should stay away from them for a while. You all need time to heal, and they don't seem to understand this. It doesn't sound like these visits are really helpful in any way right now. You have support from your online mamasource friends and probably from your family therapist in this - let them know you love them, but that your family needs time to heal, that the visits are too upsetting right now, and that once you're all back on your feet emotionally things can get back to normal. Your children are old enough to remember their grandma; I'm sure you have photos, gifts she gave them, etc.; they don't need to be "reminded" of her love - they already know.
Perhaps family therapy sessions for the three of you would be the best thing. Take care!
E....
I believe that we mothers are blessed by God with knowledge beyond measure about our children. You need to follow your instincts and do what is best for your family, even if that means putting off others for now.
I know that professionals and experienced grandparents/parents know a lot and mean well, but YOU know best! I mean, you seem like a very fit parent, and you love and care about your children; so, just trust yourself. Ask God for guidance and be ready to follow His lead. :)
I am praying for you, dear. I know it's difficult to take a stand sometimes, especially against your loved ones, but you're doing what's best for your family. It will work out in the end. Take care!
Start fresh in your own home. There are places you can go for more affordable housing for single moms, like Ironwood Crossing in Fort Worth.
You are doing the responsible thing by seeking help and therapy for your son and his (great)grandparents are only creating a lodge in his healing process.
Also,. my brother was a lot like your son when he was that age, his therapist called it the "honeymoon phase" he was sweet to others, but eventually they realized how trying, manipulate and dangerously violent he really was. He was considered oppositionally defiant, I believe that is what is was called back then.
Good luck and so sorry to hear about your mother;s passing.
