My daughter celebrated her 14th birthday this week and received a birthday card from her Grandma (my mother) in the mail. In the card was a $50 check and a note on the bottom "P.S. No need to call to say you got this. It sounded to me that you felt awkward calling a x mas." As you may have guessed she also sent a check at Christmas.
Just a very short background....In September my parents came to visit and my mom was going to stay to spend some time with our 3 kids. During a BBQ that she planned at my house, she decided she wanted to watch TV instead of entertaining. She walked past me peeked her head outside where my husband was sitting and drinking beers with the guys around the fire. She asked him if he had the Sci-Fi channel and he patted his pockets and replied "no, I don't have it." Not an unusual response from him. She replied "forget it a$$hole and slammed the door. I told her that was not appropriate, she didn' t need to call him that. She started stomping around and said she wanted to go home. That minute they promptly packed their things and left and I have not heard from them since.
I was upset by what she wrote to my daughter and am wondering if anyone has any advice in how to handle this without making matters worse. All suggestions are welcomed!
I decided to have my daughter drop her a quick note. Very brief.
Someone asked if we called to thank her at Christmas. I had nothing to thank her for my daughter did call which is apparently why she wrote that on the bottom of the card. My son also called and my dad told him he had the wrong number and hung up on him.
My mother has often times said how much she likes my husband more than me, she has always appreciated his humor. His comment was not unusual, rude or in any way disrespectful.
My mother no longer talks to any of her siblings or my sister. This is mostly in part to her irratic behavior. I have always felt that she was possible bipolar and feel that may be the best excuse I could give her. Growing up (as a small child) she told everyone including me that I was adopted (I am not). This has caused me quite a few bad feelings about myself that no amount of therapy can completely fix.
With all that being said, my reason for asking without much detail before was to get the simple answer. The answer I am sure I already knew, but wanted to hear it from those that are without any attached feelings.
She has decided how to liver her life and I have attempted several times since September both by phone and email to repair things. I do not get an email reply or a return call. She has not acknowledged my birthday or made any attempts to contact us. She did leave a voicemail to my husband just after the incident apologizing to him. She said she was embarassed. I would have forgave her at anytime or even accepted a returned call as if nothing happened. I am trying to be the better person and that is why I turned to others for input. Thank you all for your comments, I know that I have done the right thing.
You teach your daughter good manners regardless of the bad manners of other family members.
Your daughter should write a thank-you note and/or call with thanks for receiving the money, of course. I personally believe in thank-you notes for gifts that are received in the mail. It's classy.
I would just send a thank you note from your daughter and leave it at that. If she's going to get pissy over stupid stuff, I'd just ignore it like I do my mom's.
Why did your husband pat his pockets when your mother asked if he has the Sci-Fi channel? Obviously the Sci-Fi channel was not in his pockets, so was your husband being sarcastic? If he was (and it seems like it), that was rude and inappropriate, and I understand why your mother called him an a$$hole. So if I am understanding this correctly, your husband was wrong. However, it was very wrong, rude and inappropriate for your mother to write what she wrote on your daughter's birthday card. Your mother seems like a high maintenance drama queen, so don't encourage her behavior by acknowledging what she wrote. Definately ignore her comment! However, I am wondering why she wrote that. Did your daughter give her a reason to think that she was being awkward when they spoke previously?
Even though there is some missing information, I feel like both your husband and mother were wrong.
It sounds like mom is still holding a grudge, but it may also be that she is afraid of being pushy after her misbehavior.
Teach your daughter to take the high road. At the very least, she needs to write a thank-you note. But if she is okay,or even only slightly uncomfortable, calling, I would encourage her to do this. It will send your mom the message that you are an emotionally mature family, and will teach your daughter about thinking more about the other person than herself.
It was wrong to address it on the check to your daughter. Just have your teen call to say thank you and send a thank you note and leave it at that.
However, that weird incident with her was in September, perhaps she had a reason for being upset, maybe it was a small, stupid reason no one knew about, she probably got offended over the course of her stay there, but it was there and she felt she had her reasons, even if they were tiny.
You guys didn't try to call her for Christmas, or say thank you for the check she sent then? If that's true, then you are all just as rude and I think she does have a sound reason for being upset. Your family should apologize to each other and get past it.
take this chance to have a call and sincerely ask her what bothered her, that you are sorry she got offended, but hopes she can see that things weren't done to intentionally offend her, and how you can all move forward and be happy again.
Just like any other childish act...accept the gift, ignore the comment, and ask your daughter to give her a quick call to say thank you.
Oh my gosh your mother and my mother must have some lineage somewhere, or else they are extremely sensitive people. Advice that might not work, but in my family usually does is handwrite the darn thank you note yourself and send it and then ignore her for however long you can stand it. My mother is also a pain in the wazzooo. Lucky us!
I would say your mom is very hurt and while it wasn't at all appropriate to dump that hurt in a birthday card to your 14 year old, I think the real question is, do you want to mend your relationship with her or not? You came to this site seeking advice so you must care and probably are looking for more than whether your daughter should acknowledge the gift. (Which, of course, she should and you probably already know that as you had your daughter acknowledge her Christmas gift.) Your husband's comment to your mom in Sept sounds to me somewhat inappropriate. Maybe he could get away with that kind of humor if it was just the 2 of them sitting in the living room but in front of a bunch of guys, drinking, it probably came off disrespectful and sarcastic. Your mother's reaction sounds a little over the top, packing up and leaving. Has there been tension between them? You said it wasn't an unusual response for him which kind of sounds like you do think it was a little sarcastic but you're cutting him slack for being who he is - do you give your mom any slack? We're all just people. We all mess up. So I guess my advice is to figure out if you want to have a relationship with your mom and if you do, give her a call. She's a mom, like you, I don't know any moms that wouldn't welcome that call. (maybe I'm just lucky not knowing any moms that wouldn't welcome that call). If you think her personality is just too difficult to deal with and you want to shut that door now, then say nothing and just have your daughter send a note.
I would act as if nothing happened. Not the BBQ issue, not the weirdness, just have your daughter write a thank you or call. Let this pass. Your mom knows she screwed up. You can't tell me you never got frustrated and wanted to just call someone a name. Blame it on menopause and go on with being a happy family.
I agree with most about just calling and saying thank you. But I am also wondering if this is typical of your mom? If it is then you have probably been modeling how to handle her to your children all along. I believe with certain people you can't let yourself be taken advantage of, but you can also maintain polite or even friendly interactions. On the other hand if this is something new or newer in the last few years, maybe you should have a talk with your dad and any other siblings. Maybe something else is going on? Best of luck and happy b-day to your daughter.
Just a thought...I agree with the other moms who recommend having your daughter send a thank you note for the present from your mom. You're encouraging your daughter to acknowledge a gift and to take the high road. On another note, I think that there are some indications that your mom(as you wrote yourself) could have bipolar or depression. Her behavior cannot be written off as "wrong" or "right" but seems to be erratic and at times wildly inappropriate. I think that often this type of irritable, unpredictable behavior goes along with depression, which is a disease for which there is medication available. If you think in terms of your mother having a medical syndrome, as opposed to being merely difficult at times, it may help to ease the pain somewhat (I don't have problems with my own mom, but, trust me, I've had similar experiences with other relatives who have since been found to be suffering from depression).
I would have taken the words at face value...no need to for her to call very simply. I would however have her go to the store and take a moment and pick out a Thank You card. Write a note of what she has done with the money and thanking her for her generosity. That is it. I am not sure of your parents age as it could be simply an early onset of the start of Alzheimers which would cause erractic behavior as you said your father said it was a wrong number, it on part could be a hearing loss, it also could be a psych disorder. Either way you will have acknowledged the gift and left alone any possible confrontation that at this time doesn't seem necessary surrounding a gift.
It sounds like your Mom does not want another "awkward" phone call. I would just have your daughter sent a handwritten thank you note. I think it is proper to let the sender know you received the gift & thank him/her. I think most people would appreciate knowing their gift was received as well.
I would say ignore the comment and just have your daughter call and thank her. Or if you want to avoid talking to her, send her a quick thank you note for the check. Her comments are obviously innapropriate, but she seems to be into herself and it doesn't have anything to do with you. Unless you want to spring a fight, I would leave the comments alone. Let her fire die down....
M
