"Fake" Weddings

The wedding and reception are still the same. They planned a big celebration of thier union and invited everyone they love. I would be upset if all everyone was focusing on and saying was that it was "fake." It's not fake to them. They want to stand in front of everyone they love and declare thier commitment to each other. Who cares if they have already done it legally. They want to share and celebrate the commitment, not the legality.

This wouldn't bother me in the least. I think that it's kinda cool that they have a special moment that was just for the two of them, but that they can share their love with all their friends and family.

Yes it would bother me. If the JP was okay the weekend before why have the big wedding originally? I would question some of the reasoning behind this. They couldn't find ANYONE? If this is wedding number 2 for the bride, why the "big" wedding? Seems odd.

Regardless, congratulations!

I did it but for TOTALLY different reasons. I was engaged during hurricane Ike and my fiance' (now amazing husband) was in the coast guard.. since we weren't married I had no rights to information as to where he was or what was going on. He was literally OUT in the middle of the dang hurricane saving boats and I didn't matter. I didn't know where he was for 2 or 3 days because there was no power and he was working 18 hour days, meanwhile all the wives were getting regular updates. As soon as he got back we went to the JP and got married because we realized that waiting for the following July to be recognized as anything was too long. If he got hurt (even though we'd been living together for a year) or died no benefits would help me with our bills and that was unacceptable to us. Especially after the situations they kept putting him in during the hurricane and after.. anyway. We didn't tell anyone but my parents and his and we had a destination wedding that we expected no one to attend (except those on island) the only ones from my family were my parents and my brother and I was not upset at all! I think it's messed up to maybe do the whole legal wedding then ceremony and expect people to shell out a ton of money to come but just because you were invited doesn't mean they expect you to come or are demanding you be there.. you'd probably be just as mad if you weren't invited. My mom's biggest regret was not having a wedding and I wasn't about to repeat that.. we waited a little longer and had a little girl that got to be there for it which was pretty cool. And the "man and wife" moment for me was just as amazing the second time. I can't imagine being upset about that if that was really the case with the JP if this was YOUR daughter would you feel the same?? I can understand being upset about a JP wedding then a year later a "fake wedding" but a week? Really? Maybe they just shouldn't have told you. Hopefully you can keep your feelings to yourself and not ruin her day.

How about the other way around?

We were married, then after the ceremony when we went to get the documents signed for legal purposes... whoops. No documents.

So as far as the state is concerned, our anniversary is a few weeks after our anniversary.

I don't understand how this is a "fake" wedding. It is the public declaration of their vows. Just because they made them in private before doesn't diminish what they are doing now. I know a lot of people who were married by a justice of the peace and then went off to get married somewhere else. The ceremony last week was the legal and contractual union, what you will attend is the public. Just like some country's ceremonies the US does not recognize as a legal and contractual bond so you must be married by a justice of the peace before leaving the country or upon return.

Your post sounds like your huband's family is not wanting to spend anything on this and are looking for an excuse to justify their attitude and behavior.

It is a real wedding!

I met my husband in 2002, I quit my job moved two states away to live with him. I could not find a job...my Cobra was over a $1000.00 a month and I didn't have a job. So we decided to "elope"... (in the state of Colorado, you can become common law very quickly and quitely). We were planning a huge wedding, and things were paid for, and travel arrangments completed and paid for.

If I went to my parents and said "Mom, I'm technically already married!". She would have a fit just like this family is doing. Some things are out of the control of others. Just because you THINK that they are having a "FAKE" wedding doesn't mean that the emotions, love and togetherness is lost. Some people knew our situation and others didn't...those who did still witnessed two people committing to a a lifetime of hard work, love and devotion. It's not less speical to them...they are still committing themselves to eachother and in front of everyone they love...and that supposedly loves them.

My mom knows the truth and she said "good thing you didn't tell me, I would have been pissed...but I witnessed a beautiful wedding ceremony and it makes no difference now"...
Updated...
So I do take offense to you term of "fake wedding"...it's hurtful to me and I'm sure it's hurtful to your stepdaughter that family is acting this way. And no I"m not sorry for my tone in this post...

My husbands best friend will be doing somehting like this next December. They are getting married in a court house, then going to Peru to do a ceremony and reception, then coming back here to do another reception for all the people that can't fly to Peru. I understand her wanting to be in Peru (where her grandparents live, and her dad was born) but I can't help being selfish and thinking about the $$$$$$$$ it's going to cost me. Plus a 12 hour flight with an almost 4 and almost 2 year old. :( But he was stationed in Japan when we got married and still came to all parts of our wedding. THough we did change our wedding date so that he could be there, I'm a nice bride. :)

Weddings have got so weird. There is so much that goes into them. I had a pretty big wedding (about 150 guests, mostly blood relatives of mine and not everyone came) and it was the most fun night of my life (before kids) but sometimes I think about what other things we could have done with all the money our parents spent on the wedding.

We had a religious ceremony almost a year before we bought a license and got legally married. As far as we are concerned, the date of the religious ceremony is our real wedding date. That's the day we stood before our friends, family and gods and bound ourselves to each other. The day we signed the license was just the day I was able to add him to my health insurance.

I am sure the bride and groom are not happy about the situation either what will their anniversery really be, I am sure their dream would have been that this wedding you all are going to would have been the real thing, but life happens to all of us we just have to make compramises.
Eg. My hubby and I bought a house 9/2001 and married 7/2002 ok, well my ex screwed my credit up (another story) so my dad cosigned on the house, but in NY FHA would not alow a non occupant cosigner unless related by marrage or blood well seeing we were not married my dad was not related to my hubby (At the time BF) so we asked the bank so you mean to tell me if we were married we would get the mortgage they said yes, I told them fine we will see you in 48 hrs with the marrage certificate. he said what do you mean I saud well we are getting married anyways so we will go to the jp get married so we can have a house and then have our bid dream ceremony on the date we set paid for and notified everyone about. Long Story short (too late I know) We did not need to do this they made it work but not everyone is so lucky and I am sure they agree this situation sucks but it is what it is.

Well, I want to give you all a "feel good" fake wedding story. It happend just 2 weeks ago. A young couple has been planning their big wedding for the last year, and 1 month before the date, her dad got very sick. He has been dignosed with Guillian Barre, which paralized him within 3 days of starting to feel sick. He was in terrible shape, nearly not expected to live when it hit his breathing, but he somehow has lived thru the first few weeks. This syndrome hits hard, paralizes the person, and then slowly gets better and you might recover nearly all use of arms and legs. So his only desire was to get well enough in 3 weeks to be able to walk his daughter down the isle. As the date approached it became apparent he was not going to be able to stand, walk or attend the wedding. The whole family friends, everyone is flying in, refunds are too late to ask for, everything was paid for and final plans are already made. So cancelling the wedding wasnt really gong to accomplish much, but waste all that money. The morning of the wedding, the bridal party all got dressed early and with grandparents, parents, and siblings, they met at the hospital, in his room and had the REAL ceremony with her dad there. He was helped into a wheelchair and the bride held his hand, and when asked "who gives this woman in marriage?", Dad was able to slowly say "her mother and I do." They signed all the documents with him there to witness. The nurses on his floor had decorated and threw confetti and cheered as the newly married couple left and walked down the hall to the elevator. The wedding party then got into cars and went to the church where everyone else was waiting and had the planned ceremony for all of them. Most of them never even knew it had already happend an hour before. I just think its so neat that a young couple would give up all the glamour, and fancy stuff and tradition and go to the hospital and do the real ceremony so her dad would know he saw the real thing and not a fake ceremony.
He has since been moved to a rehab hospital and is expected to be there for 6 months or more. He was able to stand up for 30 seconds yesterday.

I know a young couple who were engaged to be married, and were planning a BIG wedding (300+ people)... and in the midst of the engagement, she became pregnant. She needed his health insurance, so they did the JP thing so her maternity could be covered under his insurance. (Smart if you ask me.) BUT, they still went on with planning the ridiculously HUGE shebang of a wedding, and kept it a secret that they were already married for fear that people wouldn't be as eager to participate.

To me (just my opinion, of course), they KNEW at least SOME people would see it as foolish to have such a huge wedding, an equally huge wedding shower to go with it, when they had already been married for nearly a year.

My personal opinion is that it was smart for them to get married for his insurance to cover the birth of his child. And I would not be opposed to a celebration of THAT marriage... a reception or gathering to celebrate.

But to pretend that they hadn't been married, and continue to plan this lavish wedding (and deceive all the wedding-goers who believed them to be as of yet unwed), to me, well, feels icky.

Again, certain circumstances definitely warrant a change in plans to constitute getting married earlier than planned... and nothing wrong with a celebration to commemorate the marriage. But it's the deceit involved in some of the situations that makes it weird.

I'm a tad confused...they got married at the courthouse and are still having the ceremony?

Well...it is a bit odd (to do on the spur of the moment)...but I guess if everything is already purchased then I would go ahead and hold the ceremony, too.
We went to a wedding like that once. They had actually married like 6 months prior, but still had a traditional ceremony for friends and family.
Didn't bother me/make it less special one bit, IMO.

If I had my wedding to do all over again (and we did not live together prior to marriage) we would have eloped and come home and hosted a big party.

Sounds like your fam. is getting upset over nothing-I understand what you are saying-but the important thing is that they are married.

HTH! Have fun, despite the party poopers! :)

ETA: Sorry, missed the money part...well, yeah, I can understand the frustration then. ;)

Sounds like they wanted the big hoopla wedding all along, but couldn't get anyone to do the service. So, I get still going along with the plans and just making it official by other means. I would assume that when the fake officiator says "you are now husband and wife" in front of all their family and friends that the moment will feel real and be far more special than standing on the tile floor in a court room in front of a judge.

We wanted to get married away…on a beach. Other than my parents and my brother, no one could join us which we totally understood and didn't REALLY ask anyone too. After so many expressing their disappointment in missing the big days, we decided to have a "reception" a month after we returned. It was a blast. I got to wear my dress twice, there was no pressure of the whole "BIG" moment. It was sort of like we left the ceremony and traveled to the hall to meet everyone. It's been 12 years and we are still happy with the way we did it.

It's their day. Those that don't like that it doesn't follow the "expected tradition" don't have to go right?!?!

Yep, this happens a lot more now days than it used to. Especially in really big cities and then in small towns.

I do not see what it matters to others.. If they state their vows with love and devotion in front of people at any point it is still a wedding.

Interesting that in many other countries, this is normal.. You marry at the courthouse and then have your Religious ceremony..

Some people just like drama.. any excuse to complain about their own lives.. No money, no baby sitter, no time, bad date choice, have to travel. Good grief.. This is the couples even.. Go if you want or stay home if you don't this is their event.. This is not about everybody elses thoughts and problems..

A wedding is really all about the ceremony, it does not matter if the license was already signed. I would not call this a fake wedding at all, going to the court house is just getting married, it is not a wedding, and she deserves the big to do, just as we all do. People need to stop trying to rain on her day just because she decided to do things her own way.

I know people who did as..I think M.? said below. Got married at a location THEY really wanted, like the beach, on a cruise, or for some other reason that was awkward or unusual? Like a very Catholic family I know, one of their daughters went against teachings, and was pregnant. They were engaged and a wedding was being planned (fairly long-ish engagement). They decided the two would be wed immediately...as in 2 weeks later, then a reception was planned...pretty low key really, but alot of fun and she got to wear her dress again before she was too big to.

I had friends who married so the gal could get on his health insurance as she had alot of troubles with kidney infections, etc. They too, were planning a wedding. Did the JP thing, didn't tell anyone, and had their full deal wedding almost a year later, not telling anyone but a select few (not their parents!) for years! Another set of friends lived together in another state and he was in the Army (this was 20 years ago). Again, so she could have his benefits, they married about a year before the "real" ceremony and reception. Few knew.

I think the amount spent is crazy these days. I hope when my daughter gets married that she has a small ceremony (we are not religious, so this is likely), and a rip, roaring recpetion!

Oh my gosh, my cousin told me she did this last year. None of her family or his family knew. They went on a cruise to get married and found it to be difficult and more costly to get a marriage license that way. So they just went to the courthouse about a week before the cruise and got married, then went on with the "wedding ceremony" on the cruise. She said the cruise members were all in on it.

Can't believe she admitted that to me, being that even her own mom didn't know, but guess she felt comfortable with letting me know. Then they had a reception a few months later here in town.

So maybe it is starting to be more common?

My best friend is doing this. We went to NC last year to go to her JP wedding. Now she is having the "bells and whistle wedding" this year. I have to say that when I get married I have no intention of having the bells and whistles. There is no need. I want a simple JP kind of thing. Nobody can afford it. We can't afford to have one and others can't afford to come to one. We have a house and everything we need for one, so it's not about the presents. Oh well. To each their own.

I would be annoyed also. Weddings are expensive to put on and to attend. So I think they should have planned better. Maybe they want the gifts? Also, if this is a second wedding, those are normally also smaller. Hmmm...to each their own. I'd go since it's family, but yea, I'd be annoyed and if $ was tight the gift would be small anyways. Good luck to you and them!

I really don't take issue with this, especially considering the fact that the whole event is already planned (meaning most of it is already paid for)!

I've had a couple of friends do this and the reception was no "less fun"!

I think it would only be considered "fake" if they weren't really married at the end of the day. Maybe the focus can be shifted to how admirable it is that they want to celebrate with all their friends and family and make this commitment to each other in front of them (whether it is already legal or not)

I wen to a wedding a couple of years ago where the couple got married in a different state, and had their reception later when they returned to Dallas. I think it's a great idea - so many women turn into Bridezillas during their wedding planning - they are more focused on the wedding than the marriage. Now, they are married, and they want to celebrate it! I think it may be becoming more common. You don't need to to wear anything that 'suits' the bride! If the actual marriage part happened on the same day of the reception, would you have still gone? If money is tight, let your presence be the present.
At my sister in law's2nd wedding, one of their friends was 'ordained' (I even think it's something you can get on-line!) and he did their nuptuals. :) I hope they have a happy marriage.

I think it's weird to have a fake ceremony when they are already married, but it's not strange to have a reception long after the wedding or in a different area.

Some friends of mine went to JP because she is pregnant and they want to be married on paper on the birth cert. They plan on having a big reception after the baby is born so she can wear the white dress, etc. I think they are making the most of their circumstance, and its' their wedding to remember and if she wants to remember it wearing a white dress, then so be it.

I think the focus should be on celebrating the marriage. So they aren't doing it quite "right." As long as they aren't being selfish, people should just keep their opinions to themselves.

Honestly, I really think it's how you define what your "real" wedding is. Is it real because it has been legally sanctioned by the government or real because you stood up and made your commitment to each other in front of your family and friends and God (if that is important to you). Some people consider the legal part just paperwork with the real part . My husband and I had a conversation about this before our wedding. I felt like the what made it real was that it was legal and he felt that it was real because it was of the religious part and doing it in front of our family/friends. Ours was one ceremony so it didn't matter. I just thought it was interesting that we had different ideas about it.

I have a known a couple of people who had a civil ceremony then a wedding later for various reasons - one needed to be able to put her husband on her insurance and the other because her husband was going into the military and she needed his benefits and rights to information as his wife. The first friend considers the ceremony with family and friends as her anniversary.

Also, in England (and France too I think), the clergy don't have legal authority to marry people only designated government officials. (Essentially a Justice of the Peace. I just don't know what they call them.) So everyone has to be married in a civil ceremony at the registry office and if you want a religious ceremony it has to be separate. I think exceptions are made for Royal Weddings.

I feel that weddings are overly lavish and expensive and not all that important anyway. So I guess it doesn't really matter to me one way or the other. If I had the money to give each of my daughters 20,000+ dollars to plan very SMALL weddings, I would not. I'd put it in trust for education or stipulate it's for a down payment on a house. But I don't, so it doesn't matter.

I also believe that the wedding is supposed to be two virgins coming together to pledge their lives to each other. If they aren't virgins then why do they expect all the trappings? But, it's their life. I agree with the others. If you can't afford to go, then don't. But of course that would hurt their feelings.

You can get some sort of legal paper to have anyone you want to legally marry you. It makes that person legal for the day for that wedding. We thought of doing it when we got married. At almost the last minute our friend mentioned her mother was a UU minister and she was free to do it. They may still have time to officiate someone for the day. Have them ask their courthouse.
As to the original question. Had family do just that. There was a lot of othe drama that came with ours so it was a bit more annoying. Not because of them getting married before the wedding but because of the drama that caused it.

I may wind up doing this. I am currently living in TN, and my entire family lives in ID... VERY far away. We definitely can't afford the full wedding right now, but my fiance and I want to get everything legalized, and I would really love to have the same last name as my fiance and daughter. When our DD was born (and we were engaged for quite a while before I got pregnant...) all my wedding savings turned into baby funds. BUT, I don't want to miss out on my wedding! I think I deserve a 'bells and whistles' event, just like every other bride out there. We need to have the security of being legally married, and I'm not about to lose my big event just because I can't afford it right now.

Of course, we will probably call it a 'vow renewal' instead of a wedding... everyone who matters will understand that it's really our wedding, and we won't offend the more uptight people out there. lol.

I think it's fine to marry w/a JP then have a ceremony for those who weren't there. I know a couple that did that but they didn't tell anyone. I know b/c I was there & just happen to know but no one thought the wiser. The 'preacher' was a good friend & is legally able to marry people so it's all good. Don't worry about it. It's their choice so let them have their day.

I know a few Catholic couples that did this. The church has to approve of the marriage and divorces have to be finalized through the church, so they had a big wedding somewhere else. When the church approved of the marriage, they got married in the church again, which was less than a year later.

My husband and I got married in Holland and I am going to have something out here in CA for my friends and family in a few years.

We had a religious ceremony and reception 1 year after we were married legally on our first anniversary. Everyone knew we were doing this, we never expected any gifts just their presence. I never forced anyone to buy something special and wouldn't have expected anyone to travel from out of town to attend our celebration. We had our reasons for doing it this way as I had been married before and it had to do with the minister who performed my previous marriages ceremony and the inability to voice his concerns before the wedding to my and my ex, he instead told his opinions to everyone else. Anyhow many couples make this choice without making it known to anyone that it is a celebretory ceremony and not the actual marriage. At least you know. I understand you have had financial issues and would they not be the same whether or not she did this a week ago or were just getting married straight out today? Would there have been a money difference if they had just waited for the wedding day? So this being said....I hope she is happy with her new husband and they have a long happy marriage, I hope you are happy, have a good relationship with your stepdaughter and your new son-in-law and alway go forward, never look back. After this wedding is over forget how it was done and look for only the positives with her as she has a whole new life and the challenges of being in a relationship that will hopefully last forever.

Considering the station that weddings hold in our culture - it primarily being the party of a lifetime, rather than the witnessing of two lives becoming one in the eyes of God - I'm sure it happens more often than we think.

If the bride and groom do not hold strong religious convictions, we ought not hold them to a standard that assumes they do.

i know people who did it...actually hardly anyone goes to the actual ceremony if its at a diferent place than the reception anyway. You're supposed to go and partake in their woohoo we got married party...if there doing it silly and having a fun fake wedding that would be cute, if theyre pretending its real thats a little odd...but to each their own

What difference does it make? Sounds like some of your family members are being petty and mean. In Cali anyone can offically marry a couple at the actual ceremony. You just apply for a liscense and it's good for the day or the ceremony.
I mean really what difference does it really make in the whole scheme of things?

This sort of thing bothers me. If someone is married by a JP, it's a real wedding. Marriages are technically legal contracts. That's why when you have a religious ceremony you still have to have a license and witnesses to sign legal documentation that must be filed. Some people just choose not to do it in a church/synagogue/temple.

If the Church refused to marry your step-daughter then it's likely because she never received an annulment for her first marriage. The Church would view a new marriage religiously invalid even if it's legally valid. That's why your husband's side of the family is referring to it as a "fake" marriage. Some people truly only think a marriage is real if it's through a religious venue and still some people think it's real only if it's through their specific religion and denomination.

Every couple that marries is in a new relationship, and that new marriage deserves to be celebrated just as much as the previous marriage. The first marriage doesn't invalidate the new marriage. Although I would bet that your husband's family would feel better and more accepting if your step-daughter were remarrying her first husband.

They shouldn't feel "cheated" at the money they spent at her first wedding. That's just ridiculous. I'm sure that the gifts they gave were very much appreciated and used well. Any gifts your step-daughter receives for her new marriage will also be appreciated. Does her new husband deserve to be slighted just because your in-laws are holding a grudge? No, not at all.

they happen.

if you can't afford to go - then don't.

it's nice that they can do the white wedding thing - however, they are being a tad self-centered if they are expecting people to come like it's the "real" thing...I don't know...maybe I'm in the minority here...

I personally would send them a card for congratulations and wishing them a long happy life together....family or no - if I can't afford it - I'm not going.

I think the fake wedding is weird. But I know tons of people who marry out of state, then come back home and have open houses and receptions and still wear their wedding gear, but they don't do the whole wedding part again.

I suppose I can understand both sides. Honestly, if someone cannot afford to go to the "wedding", then I would say don't go. But that is just my opinion.:)

My husband and I had a very small wedding with a minister and his dad, step mom, and sister in Texas, where we were living. A month later we had a covenant ceremony with my family and friends in Georgia, where I grew up. I suppose the difference is we invited people, but did not make anything mandatory. If they could make it, great. If not, that is okay too. I was more excited to be marrying my hubby then to care who did or did not make it to either ceremony! ;)

And even though we'd already been legally married for a month it didn't feel real to us until after we cut the covenant...of course a covenant ceremony is different from a wedding ceremony so...perhaps this does not apply. ;)

My husband and I were married by a friend who did get ordained on-line. So, it is possible with just a little bit of planning. If they are having a wedding they had other people pay for or contribute a great deal for, then it is rude and inconsiderate to pretty much have them pay to be a part of an event that they have changed the nature of. I think it would be much more acceptable to announce it ahead of time. Please come to the celebration of the marriage. Otherwise, it is a bit like bait and switch.