Marriage, Is It That Big of a Deal to Rush into Because U Had a Baby

I'm apparently not in the majority here, but I think it's ridiculous when people talk about their "fiance" and their baby and all with no date. In my mind, I'm thinking "yeah, right. You're engaged when you have a ring and a date." I also don't get all that excited about lavish ceremonies with the blushing bride, her children and the groom she's lived with for the past 5 years. If that makes me old fashioned, so be it.

I don't think you should "rush into anything" except there actually is no bigger commitment between two people than making a baby together, so the baby making part is the part I don't think should be rushed into more than the marriage part. Once you've made a baby, the train has left the station.

Get married if and when you want. It's the term "fiance" that has people expecting a wedding to take place.

To each his own I say. Although, after 5 years, if it hasn't happened yet, it probably won't. At least that's been my observation from friends of mine.

I don't see having a baby as a reason to get married if you wouldn't get married without the baby.
But if you're planning to anyway, the baby is better protected legally if you are married if one of you dies.
Lots of people go to a JP just to make it legal and then have a ceremony with family and friends later.

I wouldn't have a baby and then get married eventually but I don't care what others do.

My hubby and I were engaged, but he lived in London. He came for a visit, we got drunk,and went and filled out the paper work to get married at the courthouse the next day. A year later we had a religious ceremony for our Christian moms. Amazingly, I doubt we would be together today- married almost 12 years- if we didn't just go get married. It was the best decision of my life.

I do think its weird when people call each other fiancées, etc. with no wedding date. If you are going to get married, get married.

I hope you don't mind my answering this question solely for you, Mom. My general answer to this question is different than my answer to you specifically.

It worries me that you are engaged to this man. He has a gambling problem. He has an honesty problem. He has a problem with stealing. These three things are what you have come to this board and been upset about. I don't believe that he can change this or that he has any real incentive to.

You'll never have any money socked away because he will gamble it all away. Even your dad wishes that you would stay put. At least he can see what's going on as long as you are living in their basement.

It is so much harder to get out of a bad relationship when you are married than if you aren't.

There have been women on this board who have told us all kinds of eyebrow raising stuff about their fiances. They've been advised not to marry the crud, but they marry them anyway. One I'm thinking of in particular's marriage crumbled not much more than a year later. This woman's mind is always made up about everything before she asks a question, so I don't think that she ever would have stopped and considered that she was really making a big mistake. The question for you is, will you stop and really think it through? Do you really want to say "to death do us part" with a man who has so poor impulse control as your fiance does, that he will pick up another person's money and put it in his pocket? Do you want to have to hide your money you are putting away for a house because he bets with it, thinking he'll double the money, when real life just doesn't work like that? Do you want to have fights everytime you find out that he has lied to you, again?

In your case, with what you go through with him, it's my opinion that you shouldn't marry him at all. I admit that I wish that he weren't living with you and then you'd have a chance at meeting a good guy who will treat you right, who is hard working and responsible with money. One who will be respectful of your family member's belongings, too.

I know that what I've said is not easy to hear. I hope you aren't offended by my bluntness. I'm saying it with a lot of caring in my heart for your future. I'm saying it because I think that this man is going to make you sad and unhappy for many years to come. I really don't think that you should marry him at all.

Dawn

You should get married because you have found someone worthy of sharing your life with. Unfortunately, you haven't (based on your posts here) so in your case, I would nix the whole idea of marriage and move on. Or go ahead and get married, have another kid or two and then in 3-5 years look for advice on how to divorce when you figure out that your man has issues that marriage won't solve. So that's how I would respond to your specific case.

In general though, I am a fan of people getting married before or shortly after the baby. If you're right for each other, you're right. Make it official and move on. The fairy-tale wedding goes out the window when you have a kid first, sorry. Why delay? Just do it, keep it low key and continue on with your lives.

Being married gives more stability, legally . There is nothing right now legally tying him to you. That's important. It also illustrates that You are actually committed to each other.
You're already engaged why the wait? You still not sure he's the life partner you want?
You don't really need a lot of money to get married. That's kind of a society trend. The dress doesn't need to cost a grand, the flowers don't need to cost a fortune. Don't have to rent a tux, he can wear a suit he already owns.

Well you don't seem to think the legal implications are that big of a deal, but believe me, they are. Why do you think gays are fighting so hard for the right to marry? It's not only about acceptance, it's about protecting themselves and the rights which are only recognized through legal marriage. Rights that affect their finances, insurance, their children and families.
I don't give a hoot about morality and religion when it comes to marriage but I think when children are involved, it's irresponsible not to be legally married. Just get the stupid piece of paper, you can have a wedding or reception or whatever a year from now or ten years from now, it doesn't matter. The marriage is 100 times more important than the wedding.

From my point of view/opinion?

You put the cart before the horse. You are now tied to this man and his family forever...and it sounds like there isn't a lot of compatibility between the two of you or your families...yes...I'm old school....so I don't get what's stopping you two from getting married.

There are legal reasons to marry - health insurance, decisions in life or death situations, etc.

To marry just because you had a kid? No. A marriage is more than that. But many people today don't understand the sanctity of marriage - heck - Kim Kardashian is proof of that - what married 72 days? Yeah...lots of love, respect there (not).

Do you have the "fairy tale" version of weddings in your head? Huge white dress, orchestra playing, flower petals on the ground and all that happy horses**t.

You don't have to spend thousands to get married. You can buy a great dress at Goodwill (they ALWAYS have them).

You can go to a craft shop (Hobby Lobby, Michael's, etc.) to get fake flowers.

Pictures? You can ask a friend to take pictures or buy some of the disposable cameras and ask everyone to take pictures.

You can print out your own invitations - or even design them and take them to Office Depot and print them out there on card stock.

Weddings DO NOT need to cost a bloody fortune!!

Marriage licenses are anywhere from $50 to $150 and some states require a blood test...okay - but really? WHAT IS STOPPING YOU?

His family isn't going to change once you get married. They will probably start asking - what took you so long and when is the next baby coming...this is what you are stuck with for the rest of your life - you had a baby with this man before you really knew and his family....

So let's see, to answer your question.
No. I don't think you should get married because you had a baby together.
You should have thought about it BEFORE you had a baby - do you REALLY want to be attached to this guy AND HIS FAMILY for the rest of your life? If the answer to that is "NO""???? You should not have had a baby with him.

I guess it depends on what getting married means to you. To me it is about making an official commitment with rights and obligations to another person. To me marriage had nothing to do with wearing a fancy dress or having a big party. Make the commitment when you are sure you are ready to make such a commitment, but don't let marriage be about the wedding. Since you do already have a child together you should seriously think about whether you are ready to be committed to your childs father.

Getting married doesn't have to be expensive or complicated.
You get a license and see the Justice of the Peace.
You can always renew your vows or have a religious wedding or just have a reception later on.

As to whether you SHOULD marry the father of your baby?
There are plenty of women who have sex with men who are not worth marrying.
I never did figure out why that is.
If he's a fling or unstable or is not fit to be around kids, ditch him.
If you are in a stable relationship and you plan to be together for the rest of your lives - sure, get married.
In the older generations, a baby out of wedlock was a bit of a disgrace.
The child would be considered illegitimate or a bastard - which carried quite a stigma.
It's not such a big deal anymore.

Well, aside from all the legal rights that you automatically get when you get married, I don't see the need to rush.

In fact, I know a priest who tells couples who had a baby before marriage and come to him asking to get married that they should wait a minimum of 1 year after the baby was born to get married. Kinda contrary to what people would expect a priest to say about it, but it seems pretty sound advice considering how many people feel pressured to marry after they have a baby, and end up unhappy (not saying that would be you, since you've been together for 5 yrs already--that sounds very stable.)

I think that it is all a personal choice. I DO think that it is important to be married when you have children together, but that is MY opinion. I don't think that you should get married though unless you are both absolutely sure it is the right thing to do.

I do think you are probably past the "8-piece orchestra, party at the Plaza" type wedding. If you are just waiting because you want this type of wedding, you will either never be able to afford this wedding or you will find something else that you would rather or need to spend that much money on...i.e. a house. You should probably adjust your expectations about the type of wedding that you want. The longer you wait, the less likely your family is to want to help you with the expenses for it.

While it is 2013 and there are lots of women who don't feel the need to marry the father of their child...I stronly disagree with this new social trend. When you picture your daughter grown up...how would you want her to live her life? I know that you would only want the best for her...and then apply the same rules to your own life.

If marrying this man is what's best for your child and you, then do it. If he's not the type of example you want to set for your daughter, then move on. But I don't think just living with a 'fiance' in your father's basement and popping out a few more kids is the greatest of role models. You need to decide what kind of woman you WANT to be (not the example your family has set) and then be it. Create a plan for your life, don't just let things happen to you...make things happen for you. His family just wants to know what your plan is...whether it be to marry their son or not. You're not a young girl anymore. You are a women and a mother and should be able to give them/or anyone who asks a definite answer.

If the answer is 'No' we don't plan on marrying...then tell them that and they will stop asking. If the answer is 'Yes' then pick a date...and they will stop asking. Pretty simple.

Making big decisions is not always easy...but you do need to make them. Best of luck to you.

Well, I got married because my husband's job offered insurance coverage to family members and my job didn't offer insurance at all. So... we got married so I could have insurance. Otherwise, we would have continued to trip along in life happily unmarried. We got married on January 23, 2003 on a Thursday (we took the day off work) and it cost us $111 for the licence. I wore jeans. Our tenth wedding anniversary will be in three days. His company wouldn't accept us as "common law" or as "domestic partners" because we weren't same sex. It was the only time in my life I was frustrated I wasn't in a gay relationship. If I were gay, the company would have put me on my "partners" insurance plan. Because I was in a committed straight relationship I had to go to a court and get legal documentation. Asinine right?

Get married when it makes sense for you to get married.

/EDIT - Also, what Mamazita said. 100%

In my honest opinion. Getting married, having a wedding, is so out of control these days!!!!

With shows like "Say Yes To The Dress" and spend more that we make in a year on SSDI on a dress and the stuff that goes with it or shows like "4 Weddings" where they spend well over a years salary for the normal person on a single day, just a few hours, then people expect anyone who gets married to be like that.

Go to a store and look at dresses. Go to resale shops, all sorts of places, see if a cousin or friend has one you love they'd let you borrow. Having one dry cleaned and boxed is about $100 - $200 nowadays if you look around.

You can buy your own artificial flowers at Hobby Lobby on sale if you look at hobbylobby.com and buy them the weeks they are on sale. You can buy a book in the wedding section that shows you step by step how to make bouquets and boutonnieres.

A friend of mine got married a few years ago and her hubby to be bought the book and sat every evening for a month making ALL the flowers. He thought it would be fun to learn how to do that so he did. Of course he took some apart and redid them but they were beautiful when the wedding happened.

If you decide you want a beach wedding or a barn wedding or a park wedding....they all can be free if you find the right spot and it's a public place. If you have a friend who has a great big back yard you can just borrow a bunch of chairs from church or something at no cost. Maybe one of your friends goes to a church that would let you use their chapel if you want a church wedding.

There are so many free ways to get married. It's not about a huge reception with a full dinner. It's about a man and woman standing in front of their friends and family making promises to each other to be faithful, respectful, and to work to remain in the relationship 100%+.

So, if you and he want to get married start with deciding the style. Is it a beach, a country club, a barn, a doggy park, etc...then find out where they will let you do the ceremony for free or at a minimal cost. Reserve the date once you have one.

Then start looking for a dress, or if you have already found one that's out of the way. Is he going to wear a suit, tux, a cowboy shirt, or a uniform? That's out of the way.

Pick your colors, make the flowers, put them in a box/tub on the top shelf of the closet, that's done for the day when it comes.

There, everything is done and all you have to do is decide the when. You have the dress in the closet in a long white bag to protect it, the flowers are done, the guy clothes are picked, what else is there....nothing that has to be any different.

A bridesmaid can wear her own dress that coordinates with your flowers. Done.

So don't put off getting married because you can't afford it, it can be done for less than $50 per month if you plan ahead and make stuff in advance. Even less if you don't want a lot of flowers that take time to make.

If you're just not ready then don't let anyone force you into a marriage. You're already together in all senses of that anyway.

I was 17 when we had our 1st.... I begged my mom to get married - I didn't want to have my baby out of wed-lock. It took from April when I found out till Oct before my mom gave in and signed the wedding application. We had dated for over 2 years before we found out about the baby... but really never talked about a wedding before her.

We tossed together a "shot-gun" wedding in just a week, since you have to wait a week after the application to get married in Ohio anyways. We had it at a small church 2 doors down from where I was raised, but in the church you can't exchange rings only a Bible is exchanged. The flowers were done by the grocery store I worked at, eventhough the only do a wedding a week with lots of notice - they took my order & they turned out so nice. I was HUGE and due in just 5 days - I couldn't find a wedding dress in a hurry, so I wore my green homecoming dress. We could only afford the basic gold bands - nothing fancy, nothing special. We had a basic sheet cake again from the grocery store I worked at & had dinner at a local chicken house. No friends were there, just family & honestly not all them were there either. Sadly - my sister wasn't... she told me "I will come to the next one" as I walked out the door to the church. My dad said "Don't worry this is just the practice one, the first one never lasts". My mom, eventhough she signed the papers said "This was your choose, don't blam me for it in 6 months when it doesn't work out." And my step-dad said "You can move back in when you realize this is all a big mistake."

We were married on Oct 25th the day we picked up the approved papers, we stayed in a local hotel room that night (thanks to his parents), and the next morning when we woke-up I went to see the OB who said I "today is the day, I will see you tonight." On the 26th my water broke at about 10:00 pm and on Oct 27th at 2:44 am our new family had a new addition.

Now 18 yrs and 6 kids later - I didn't move back home, I didn't blam my mom for anything other then not letting me do it earlier, I'm still on the practice marriage, and sadly I really don't think my sister will ever be able to see the next one, eventhough I was there for 2 of her 3, the 2nd was hidden from everyone till after it was done. Out of all the comments made on my wedding day - my sister is the only one that has since said she was sorry... about 3 years ago, she told me that she wasn't always there for me & I have been there for her everytime she would let me, even if it ment running to another state agains doctors orders, and because of that she will never get to see her little sister's big day. Her's choose that day is one she will always regrete.

I know my story is a little off the topic... but it stand to what I feel deep within me! I child should have a stable & loving home... one with both a mother & father. Family values are so off now days... and I'm sorry but I feel that part of the issues we face in this country is due to the lack of family values we now have. Just as raising a child is a hard job so is being a spouse... just a raising a child should be worked on so shoulc being a spouse, but as raising a child is rewarding so is being a spouse. I'm sorry but if at all possible "playing house" shouldn't be done... jump in with both feet or get out all together, it's not fair to anyone invauled to keep saying someday. Pick a day and do it or just walk away... if after 5 yrs you can't figure out if you want it or not then way keep waisting time.

No my wedding wasn't prefect & it didn't cost all that much, but it was mine and if I don't like it I can someday renew my vows when we can afford something better if we choose to. Then maybe my sister would get her wish to come to the next one - lol.

I'm sorry ladies... I know most of you think this is 2013 & marraige isn't important anymore, but it is... when kids live in a stable & loving home they feel more secure. So, if you want the best for them/her you should give her that stability & love... and if anyone can just wake-up and walk away - it's not stable in any way. But with marriage it isn't as easy to just wake-up and walk away.

As to your question... is it a big deal to rush into marriage just because of a baby - Honestly are you really rushing into it? You have been with him for 5 yrs and engaged for over a year - most people get married within a year of being engaged (the planning period)... the question is are you dragging your feet because you really don't want to marry this guy? If you do what to marry him - come on and get it over with!!! Even if it's not perfect, it will still be a great memory.

I guess I wonder why you're with a "guy" (as opposed to a mature and thoughtful man) who thinks so little of you that he doesn't want to marry you. You're good enough to knock up but not marry? He thinks so little of his baby daughter that he won't marry her mother? And he thinks of it as a joke?

Great guy you've got there. I hope that when you do decide marriage is important to you, he doesn't decide it's all suddenly too much to handle.

ETA: re-read Dawn's answer. She pays very good attention to poster's threads and I think she's given you good advice, although I know it is hard to read. I wish someone had come along and set me straight in the same way before I had married my exhusband. If it's a bad situation, consider this ambiguity a blessing and find a healthier way to have a family. Sorry.

Everyone should do what they need to do. No judgment here.

My now-husband and I had been together for six years before our son was born. We had started dating in 2001, had a Handfast ceremony (which we considered to be our 'wedding') in 2004 and had Kiddo in 2007. We were hoping to stay unmarried until *all* of our friends could legally marry, but some health issues arose in 2009 and frankly, my situation was the same as Nicole's below.... I needed insurance.

My family, too, didn't quite know what to do with us, pre-legally wed. My stepmom regularly introduced my guy as my "beau" to others, which left me a bit chagrined-- it wasn't like he was courting me.:) (We just used the term partner.) But we decided to do what we needed to do; when we did marry, we had a friend wed us at a little biercafe in our neighborhood. They opened up an hour early for us, some friends were invited, I wore Kiddo (then 1.5 yrs) on my back in the pack, and we all had lunch afterward. The ceremony was short and sweet and what mattered was that our community of friends and loved ones were there.

I didn't spend a cent on a dress; just pulled some favorite clothes from the closet and wore what I felt good in. Ditto him.

I haven't regretted marrying my husband; in fact, it's been a bit of the opposite: I feel more connected with him. I won't say that getting married means that everyone will feel a stronger bond to their spouse, however, we both agree that it is this way for us. Do what works for you and enjoy your moment-- if and when you choose to have it.

I was 4 months pregnant when hubby and I got married. We were madly in-love and went to the courthouse. That was 2 1/2 years ago. For our 5 year anniversary we are having a ceremony at the park.

Having a baby isn't a reason to get married. Not today. Women no longer need men to take care of them.

But I have to ask - What are you waiting for?

A courthouse wedding doesn't have to be the ONLY one you have. It doesn't need to be all or nothing.

I was pregnant before my husband and I were married. We were in the middle of planning the wedding. I told him point blank that if he wasn't ready to be "daddy" so soon that he could take back the proposal and I would go home to my parents. I wanted him to know that I wouldn't hate him or even stop loving him for that matter, but that I understood that "baby" wasn't what we had planned when the ring was given. I didn't want him if he felt like he "had to" or felt trapped. I was a big girl, I and the baby would be fine and I would set him free. He was honest with me, he was scared and did have big doubts, but he wanted me and even though the baby was sooner then we had wanted, he wanted kids with me anyway. He told me that we'd made our vows to each other already, our families and friends already knew I was his and he was mine and they supported us, now all there was left was to let the state know we were a family. We invited all our local friends to the court house and signed the papers. That was 6, nearly 7 years ago.

Sure, I would have loved the fairy tale wedding, but in all honestly we didn't need one and it would have been a really big money sink. I would have been the only one happy, my husband would have been miserable in a tux.

Do what's right for you. Congratulations and good luck!

My husband and i were together 2 years before my son was born. We didnt get married for 5 years. And this April will be 9 years we have been together. So no I don't think you need to rush into marriage even if you have a baby.

My husband and I were together for 8 years before we had kids and then we went another 5 years after having our 3rd and final baby before we got married. So this October will be our 13+4 anniversary!

My husband asked me to marry him about 1 year into our relationship and I said 'yes' .....but just not right now b/c I was only 19y/o and not in any big hurry.

We were committed to each other and have been since day 1...the ceremony part was not that big of a deal to us but we got all the same comments you are getting.

~I am so glad we weren't in any big hurry. We had THE most PERFECT wedding EVER! My sister and her family and my family were renting a beach house for a week for a family vacation and my Mom was coming up anyway and his parents were coming up anyway, each to spend a couple days and I had a 'ah-ha' moment! We invited them all up on the same day, called his brother and invited him up, all for the last full day we were going to be there and we got married right on the back deck, right on the beach w/twinkle lights! We threw a huge crab feast (poured the crab, corn, baby potatoes, fresh red, yellow, purple & orange cherry & grape tomatoes, etc. right out down the middle of the table) had brightly colored mis-match napkins, poured sea salt and seasoning in lil' handfuls on the white butcher paper, everyone had a ramikin of melted butter, we had broken baguettes and cute plastic sandcastle building baskets for catching the shells...it was simply PERFECT and BEAUTIFUL! My FIL took TONS of pictures and everyone who has ever seen them says the same thing..."Looks like something that should be in a magazine"! We LOVED it! Couldn't have made it any more perfect if we tried! My Mother made me my bouquet from wild flowers that grew along the road on the coast.

Start to finish we had a 8 night family vacation in a beach house that was right ON the beach and got married for under $6K. I got my dress and my daughter's flower girl dress at David's, the Man wore a white dress shirt and pair of beige Khakis, the kids wore beige cargo shorts and white short sleeved button up shirts with no shoes. I have THE BEST picture of all 4 of my boys + my 2 nephews, with the oldest son holding our only girl on his shoulders walking down the beach. Their backs are to us and you can see the sunset and the water...it is stunning!

Ahhhhh.....the memories! Thanks for the trip down memory lane!

So to answer your question, we didn't feel the need to rush just b/c we had kids!

I think a wedding party is a big waste of money personally. Yes, I think it is very important to be married if you have a child together. Legally is is important and it affects how others think of you and treat you...the bank when buying a house, the landlord, etc. If you are a family and you plan on getting married then just do it! Have a justice of the peace marry you...invite your parents to be the witnesses. It does not have to cost you much. We lived together 7 years. Then one year we finally did it and we had our friend marry us (in Alaska everyone can marry one couple). We had a big potluck party with all our friends...which is the norm up in Alaska anyway. It did not cost us much. Then a few years later we had our first child. I DO think it is important to be married before you have a baby. I think you should be publicly and legally committed to each other. When I was young (in my 20s) I did not think this but I was wrong.

Hubby and I had been dating for a year when we found out that we were expecting our son. Everybody in both of our families asked when we were getting married and they were all completely serious.

Hubby and I did NOT want to rush into marriage. We knew that we loved each other but just felt that it was too soon and we didn't want the stress of a new baby as well as the stress of planning a wedding, getting married, a new marriage, etc. We weren't even living together yet!

Hubby and I dated for two more years before he proposed and we were married 6 months after that. We are so glad that we decided to wait and not rush into things!

Our families were disappointed but my family loves him and his family loves me, so in the end it all worked out! :)

you realize to get married in a church and have a fancy wedding is only a few hundred bucks., the reception is what cost money.
so you dont have to do huge or JOP you can have a fancy wedding without a reception

but i dont think there is a rush, but if you both plan to be married and keep putting it off, there will always be a reason

My sister just got married after she had her second with her husband. And frankly, I'm glad my brother didn't marry his baby mama. They talked about it, but everyone knew it would be horrible, and sure enough they broke up before the baby was even 6 months old.

If you're happy with the way things are, there's no reason to change it because of someone else's morality. You can be committed to each other without a piece of paper.

So here's my advice - from the perspective of someone who was married 10 years before having a child!

Marriage is no small thing - as having a child is no small thing. Everyone can have opinions about you needing to get married - but honestly - its completely up to you two. After the wedding , the two of you will be the only ones left and you will have to deal with the relationship. I say stand firm and simply plan to get married when it's right for you two.

Here's a saying I live by in my marriage - Marriage is defined not by what you do when you love one another but by what you do when you don't like one another. There's no point in forcing the issue if the time isn't right. It's not like "walking down the aisle" seals the deal if someone's heart isn't completely in it.