Extremely "Clingy" 3.5 Year Old

Glad you posted this. My 3 1/2 yr old started doing the same thing and now add crying at the drop of a hat when anyone says no to her.

I'm glad I was able to read thru the responses you received.

Children have incredible imaginations. There was a tiger living in my house when I was that age; and couldn't sleep because of it...
When my youngest told me there was a tiger coming into his bedroom I got so excited and told him it was his protector! We named it "Lucky" and he was fine with that. Eventually we found, at Rooms to Go, a photo cut out of a Tiger and I bought it. At 14, he still enjoys having it in the bedroom.
Your daughter is young and imaginative and having separation anxiety, as she gains a sense of "self" she will be clingy. As she follows you around, have her do some chores with you while you talk...she can learn at this age to fold towels, help unload the dishwasher, dust or clean furniture (the tv screen is a favorite) and help pick out the baby's outfit for the day.
Bottom line, it doesn't last forever, but it feels as if the day is forever while you go through this phase. There will be more, so perhaps this is preparing you for the future, dear...wait til puberty hits (then have hormonal testing done, this will help you all adjust!)
Blessings

Hi, C.. Well, I don't think you should "force" a 3.5 year old to do much of anything. That could lead to some real trauma that you will not see the end of. Easing her out of her fears is a better method of helping her grow.

Let's face it: things that happen do not affect us adults the same way that they affect very small children. She doesn't have the vocabulary yet to explain what she's feeling or why. At this age, little ones have no idea how to explain "why" for anything. So you're not going to get an explanation in words.

What I suggest is to spend some time coloring with crayons with her. Get some blank paper, sit down as a fun, stress-free time with her, and just start drawing. Compare your drawings, explain what you drew, and ask her to explain her drawings, too. Maybe suggest she draw a house, the family, animals, and so forth. Draw a happy thing, a sad thing, a scary thing. See what she comes up with. Little ones are SO MUCH BETTER at drawing pictures than at putting their emotions into words. If you are patient enough and do not press her, I am confident she will reveal what she's scared of.

Make no mistake: she is scared of something. Maybe she saw something on TV like Freddie Kruger or some other monster. Maybe she has learned about ghosts and spirits. Maybe she saw a bug. Maybe she learned about germs, and thinks they are going to pounce on her unless someone big and strong is close to her. Maybe she heard about death, and is worried that something will happen to her when she least expects it. Or maybe it's the typical 4-year-old separation anxiety flaring up.

If she doesn't like to color, maybe the two of you could play with dolls and make a doll family. Have her choose a mom, a dad, a grandma, and one to represent her. See what she does with each of them and with all of them together. That will give you a clue about what she's afraid of.

I strongly advise against just forcing her to confront her fears alone at this age. You could talk to her about what you, her dad, and grandma do when each of you is afraid. If you are people of faith, you can talk about the angels who are always around to protect little children, and about God's special love of children. That might make her feel safer, the fact that even though she may believe there are things lurking around waiting to grab her or whatever, there are even bigger and stronger angels whom she can't see who are also waiting around to protect her from anything and everything.

Trust me: something happenned, or someone said something, that put a fear into her, and it's been compounded by the fact that around this age, children often get a rebound of separation anxiety. The twos and the fours can be difficult ages for some reason.

Once you get a better understanding of what's bothering her, you can make a game out of her being alone. You can try having her walk into the bathroom or bedroom alone, while you are outside the door or around the corner, count to 10, and then have her run to you. Gradually increase the time to 15, 20, etc. Then get one of those minute timers with a bell; she will have to wait for the 1-minute bell to go off before she can walk out of the room. Sooner or later, she will get the hint that she's a big girl, and she can do this, but give her some time to realize that she's safe. Give her some time, and be gentle.

I used to have a horrendous fear of the dark, which my parents used to scream at me for, and all that did was force me to cower under my blanket, short of breath, until I fell asleep from sheer exhaustion. It took me until I was in my 30s to cure myself of being afraid of the dark; I did what my parents should have done: accustom myself to the dark gradually and gently! Pretty much the way I suggested you play that game.

I hope everything works out just fine, and your daughter gets through this phase with flying colors.

Peace,
Syl

my 2.5yo just started this recently, too. my daughter did it at the same age. my daughter had to start sleeping with me at the time bc we had one room as playroom and she slept with her little brother. my husband showed her the "ords?" on the lord of the rings (big mistake, of course) and since she saw them she had nightmares and was scared to sleep by herself. my son is now at that same age and he says that he's scared. so i have to check outside the window and leave the door open and have not one, but 2 nightlites in his room. my daughter now sleeps in her own room, but recently she just started coming back in mine in the middle of the night, she is 4.5. so i think that it's a phase. it's not going to hurt anything, unless she is a child who when given an inch takes a mile :). i have 2 of those:). but that's easy for me to say bc my husband works at night and i don't mind if my daughter wants to sleep with me. it might be more uncomfortable sharing a bed with 3? i think that your daugther is at an age where she's actually noticing more around her and KNOWING what it really is instead of being younger and being like "hey, that's cool, what's that" now she knows what is scary from hearing people talk and understanding better what the meanings are. my husband and i watch ghost hunters and we talk about the ghosts and when my daughter was younger she would beg to watch it also, but as she got older and understood better she's scared of it now. so i think that she'll grow out of it, but it'll take time. so grin and bear it :)

Hi. I used to be a preschool teacher (now I'm a stay at home mom). It sounds like your daughter is going through a phase where she just realized the world is a really large place. Before now her world was home, grandma's, and any other place she regularly goes (but her mind did not comprehend all the places inbetween). Between 2 and 4 children start to realize that there is more out in the world. This causes them to start thinking outside their "little world". This is usually when stranger anxiety happens also. Before this phase she never really thought about where you were when you left her with Grandma. Now her little mind is in high gear and she wants to know where you are all the time. (Or Grandma, or Dad.) I suggest you give her something to do (match socks, set up a board game, color you a picture) and leave the room. Tell her before you leave where you are going and what you are doing and that you will be back in a few minutes. Follow through with what you say. When you return she will start to realize that you are safe even when she cannot see you (when you are in the "big world" outside her vision). Do this periodically throughout the day. If it is working you can start extending the time between coming back.

If this is the cause, the good news is that it is only a phase and she will get through it. Be patient and consistent with what you say so she will trust you. As for the sleep thing, I am for children sleeping in their own bed. You have to do what you are comfortable with. However, if you do not want her to sleep in your bed don't start now because of this phase. It will be much harder to break the sleeping thing later!!! Reassure her at bedtime that you are staying in the house all night and will be there in the morning. That may help her feel more comfortable. Hope this helps some:)

Did you have some kind of big change, a move or a loss or something that could have started this phase?
It is probably just a phase. I'd keep giving her lots of love and make her feel secure rather than forcing her to sleep alone or something. My daughter is the same age and we sleep together. she really doesn't want to sleep alone. She seems most vulnerable and babylike at night.

this sudden change in bevior *might* be a red flag-
I bet she saw something or encountered something that disturbed her- it could be as simple as a cat scaring her- or it could be much more complicated...
just last night there was a commercial on TV for one of the batmans (I don't keep up) and I said outloud to my husband: that commercial is SCARY! I wouldn't want our 5.5 yr old son to see that! and yet, who knows? not that we let him watch any adult tv, bcse we don't, but what if he was hanging w/ dad watching sports and the commercial came on???? these kids get exposed to SO MUCH that we don't even realize...

so I would humour her and TALK to her all the while as you work toward getting her GENTLY back to being independent.

her behavior is telling you something...

Hi C.- As you have now heard from many others, its a normal stage. I wanted to offer my opinion though. While I think you need to acknowledge the emotions and support their fears, I, personally, do not think it is a good idea to allow her into your bed between you and your husband. I know several people who have lost their marriages over that. I bought my son a "Moon in my room" from Michaels craft store and he has a Madagascar lantern for when he gets real frightened. Of course, he knows he can call when he really needs us, but ultimately they must learn to face the fear and see that it is unfounded. Also, I tell him all the time that I'll be back in five minutes to check on him. That works real well when you do it a few times and they realize you really are coming back. When he was fighting us to go to bed because he was afraid, I changed it up and told him he no longer had a bed time and could stay up as long as he liked, as long as he was quite and on his bed. The first night he stayed up until 10:30, by the third night he was only staying awake a 1/2 hour and then going right to sleep. Sometimes they just need to feel in control of their world. Every now and then he asks me "Is it time for bed Mommy" I always reply, whenever you're ready. And then when he goes in his room I remind him I'll be back in 5 min to check on him. Try it at night, maybe it will help. Good luck.

Always with love and tender. Don´t force her because she is experimenting real strong feelings that she can´t help it... Be patience, This wil pass. everything pass very fast with children. Encourage her with patience and love. don´t be afraid that she sleeps with you some weeks or months. she will be back. If you are patience, comprehensive and a strong support to her. she will find her self support again.
Good Luck
E.

I just wanted to let you know I am going through the same thing! I know it is just a phase so we just have to be patient. I let my little one in bed with us until she falls back asleep then put her back in her own bed.I dont know if this is the best solution but its working for now. Good Luck!

Hi, Well, My two are 26 and 21 years old-Time passes so fast-I was a full time stay at home mom for 18 years with no out side employment. I say follow your heart- I did and my children are professional stable and independant.-Time spent will be the best investment in there devolopment- Not toys t.v or distractions- I "loved" every moment god gave me with them... they still are my greatest joy-
Sincerely, Annmarie

Hi C.,
My daughter has the "clingy" tendencies too. We have tried so many things and some would work for only a short time and we would have to "change it up". First you should determine if this is "on purpose" or "truly fear driven" At first my daughter was truley having seperation anxiety, but soon she discovered she could use it to her advantage. For a while we did set up gates (one on top of the other) so she couldn't get out. there were some nights when she would cry for a long time and a few times she would end up on the floor. But after about a week she finally realized we weren't giving in.

She still has her moments. We have a bed time routine as well. Bath, brush teeth, lotion, comb and dry hair and then story time. Because she has a brother, we read our bed time story together, but she really realishes the time we spend alone to sing our songs. I lay down with her for about five minutes to "talk" and then I tell her I will come back in a minute after i check on a few things. I go back in to check on her a few times so she knows I wasn't lying. Most days it works, but we still have our moments. I would say keep at it...She needs reassurance that you will come back, but she also needs to know that she has to go to bed.

During the day, I would give her "jobs" to do. That way she feels that she is still doing something for you.

Sorry this is so long. I hope this helps out...You are doing a wonderful job I am sure. Trust your gut...if you feel she is really needing you than go to her, you will realize after a few times if she is trying to manipulate you or not. They are so good at that!

I think it's actually pretty normal behavior. My 4 year old does the same thing at times. Right now it's making sure the bathroom door is closed because he thinks there might be monsters in there. We keep his night light on and offer him reassurance. When he does want to sleep with us we make him a little bed on the floor. Just don't make a huge deal of it. Keep reassuring her. As with all things this will pass too.

Just a thought..... Something might of happened to her that was pretty dramatic !!!!! Sit her down and ask her if she feels hurt in anyway....