Extreme Concern with Husband’s Depression

Get him into talk to someone ASAP. A doctor, clergy, therapist, anyone. Everyone gets down but not everyone talks of suicide. My ex-husband tried to commit suicide and it was the worst day of my life. Good luck, I hope things will be okay

J., please find him a GOOD therapist as soon as possible. A family doctor can prescribe meds, but he needs someone to talk to in order to get better. Ask the doc for recommendations, or if you have friends or family who you trust. You are not alone in this; many people suffer from depression, and it's very hard on a spouse. Hang in there.

Like Bellia, I also have depression. I absolutely agree with her that you husband need professional help. You need to suggest it VERY gently, though, because often people who have mental illness (and depression is, because the chemicals in the brain are not being used properly, or do not exist in proper levels) are not willing to admit it. This is due to society's damning of mental illness. Last summer, my depression had gotten so bad that my husband just said to me one day, I'm staying home from work tomorrow, and we are going to find you a doctor. I am SO glad he did that. The sleep and lack of interaction say to me that he is depressed. Please, please, urge him to get help. The very best to you and your family. Keep us posted about his progress. I hope you can help him turn it around.

Have you mentioned the idea of trying to get help to your husband? It sounds like he really needs something. Sleep is a major player in depression for most people. I have heard a lot of people say that when they are in serious depression that they can't sleep. Probably the little amount that he does get isn't really productive. If he is willing, I would go and get his blood tested for all of the different hormone levels. It sounds silly but men also need proper levels also. I have had a couple of friends who were on anti-depressants and when they started on natural hormones they were able to quit the anti-depressants. The thyroid levels are very important and they can make someone feel very sad if they are low.

the most important thing is your husband has to want to get help. while meds are important, seeing a therapist is also important. check your insurance for mental health coverage and referrals. so talk to your husband about how his getting help now will also mean that your kids will have a better dad while they are growing up and that's what's really important.

Hello J.,
You should see if you can get your husband to talk to someone, like a therapist and/or your family doctor about how he is feeling.

You have gotten so many good replies, depression is such a hard thing for everyone involved. I have suffered depressions all my life. You dont realize how much your family hurts when you suffer. Your husband is going to need help, talk to him very gently about your concerns, many people feel like they are letting people down and weak when they get like this, it puts you on a defensive too, because there is so much stigma when it comes to mental illness. It is not all in your mind and you cant help it. Help him find some sort of counseling. He may need medicine to help him and support him by letting him know its ok. Unfortunately it can sometimes take time to find help. If you have health insurance you can call them and sometimes they will have a list or a web site with names of counselors. If for any reason he mentions hurting himself, take it seriously, especially if he has a plan on how to hurt himself. You can go into the emergency room and they can get him safe and immediate help. They can do an evaluation and may check him in to the hospital, but it is better than the risk of having him hurt himself. Sleep depravation can also make things worse to do you best at trying to let him get 8 hours of continuous sleep. Sun light can be a factor, I read once that for it to be effective you need at least 15 minutes with no sunscreen on or no windows. Vitamin B is also good to have when depressed. My heart goes out to you, your husband and family. Best of wishes and hang in there.

As someone who has struggled with depression for years, I think your husband needs help asap. Try local counseling centers, or even ask your family physician for a recommendation. From what you posted, it doesn't sound like a change in schedule will fix the issue. Good luck!!

You are right to be extremely concerned! When depression lasts for more than two weeks, it begins to reroute neuro-transmissions which become the pattern the brain follows. Get your husband professional help! I have been depressed twice in my life, and recovered with counseling the first time and meds/counseling the second time. But my father and brother were not so fortunate...
Your instincts are SO right - - trust them!

first off i am sorry, i am bipolar depressive and i know how hard it can be to live with me. i would say that if you are really concerned you need to sit alone with your husband and talk with him. he needs help and as soon as possible. i have lost alot of people to depression and if he is down for a long time the only thing you can do is let him know you love him, and get him help. good luck and i will pray for you both.

J., you need outside help with this. It isn't just being "down," and it isn't always a choice on the depressed person's part. Talk with your doctor about your husband's symptoms. If your husband will go with you, fine; if he won't (and don't be surprised if he refuses), then go yourself. Do not delay! If your husband were showing symptoms of cancer you would take action immediately. Consider depression a kind of emotional cancer and take action.

I would try to get his hormone levels checked first before anti-depressants. Maybe go to an internist and put him on vitamins (I know Vitamin B is a must need for your moods). I always try to do things naturally first before I do medicine because the side effects are what scare me. Best wishes to you!

J.- have you talked with your husband about your concerns? Speaking as the spouse who has suffered from depression- a lot of times, we don't even realize what extremes our thought patterns and behaviors have trended towards until someone points it out to us. If he doesn't think he has a problem/doesn't want to seek treatment, it may help him to read of someone else's experience. You can read about my experience on my blog: http://jennschmerer.blogspot.com/2008/10/depressionbefore...

I hope this helps. I know as well meaning as everyone's advice is to get into a counselor and doctor (which is what he should do)- you can't MAKE him do anything. He has to want to be treated, which a lot of time can be the biggest struggle. Email me if you ever need someone to talk to ____@____.com

See a Doctor! You yourself can't make him not depressed and he is unable to dig himself out of the "hole" on his own. I would still be there after 14 years if a friend hadn't literally dragged me to the doctor. I found out that I have had a seratonin deficiency most of my life and cannot cope without some help. It started as situational depression, but we found out that it runs in the family.

For men it is a little more difficult because they hate going to the Dr. but it will make a HUGE difference in all of your lives. Keep in mind that health and wellness stores and consultants mean well, but a good doctor will prescribe those things if he/she thinks they will work. Sometimes B-12 or St. John's Wort just can't do it. Remind your hubby that it could be something else too that is making him feel bad. Anemia, High or low blood pressure and just chronic fatigue can all bring on depression. If he knows he will feel better, he may go.
If you do not have insurance look to a state mental health program for help. They will often provide counseling as well as the doctor visits. Also keep in mind the first medicine may help but not be the exact fit due to side effects or personal preference. It took me several but I am now on a medication and dose that has lasted over 8 years.
I will keep you all in my prayers. We know the situation well as it has affected our family for years! Blessings!

My heart goes out to you and your family. If possible, maybe your husband can change his work schedule - I'm sure the lack of sunlight day after day isn't helping. Maybe you could have your husband be seen by a doctor as well for a combination therapy of meds and counseling. I think it is wonderful that you are able to recognize his depression and want to do something about it. So many people dismiss mental illness as something that is made up and not serious. My family has a history of mental illness so I know how difficult it can be. Best of luck and I will keep you and your family in my prayers.

You need to gently confront him and let him know that he needs help. When you do this try to have his family and friends also saying he needs help. Have the resources ready and say you are willing to make the appt. If you can afford it get a sitter for at least one or 2 days a week while you are out. If you have insurance for mental health call them, if not contact your regular dr. Depression is most often successfully treated when medical and counseling are combined. It is really important that your husband likes his psychologist (it appears to be one of the top indicators of a successful outcome), so change psychologists as needed!

Hang in there, this is treatable, but He cannot do it on his own. Also when he is feeling a little better it is important for him and you to realize that a depressed parent leads to developmental problems in their children if the depression is left untreated.

R.

J., my heart goes out to you! Hang in there. Use patience and gentle tactics with him and get him Help NOW. I have delt with depression before & I have thyroid problems which can totally impact your moods. Lack of sleep will only make things worse. Maybe confincing him to go to your family doctor first to look for medical reasons will be easier than convincing him to go to therapy. Try thyroid, chemical imbalances first, etc. If he is willing get him into some kind of counseling. I recently had a friend commit suicide. He was a father of two children. Any kind of talk that is suggesting thoughts of suicide should be taken seriously. The mind can take us to deep dark places that we cant understand. And sometimes that seems like the only way out, the only hope. I pray for you that it is simply lack of sleep and chemical imbalances, etc. Are there certain things he mentions to you that he does not like? That he is unhappy with job, family life? As the other ladies mentioned, he may show resistance, and ease into the idea as best as you can. Good luck to you.

Hi,
I am sorry to hear about your hubby! My hubby is the same way. Very negative about life, can't seem to find J. in anything, etc...etc...etc... Except, to top it all off, he has Fibro! BLAH!
So, anyways... I have been taking these health classes and there are so many things that you can do for yourself and for your husband as well to help him get out of this!
Things that will help his depression immediately:
St. John's Wart
Vitamin B12
Inositol
Maca root
Blue-Greene Alage. You can get this at my website
beckypro.stemtechbiz.com (they market it as a stem cell enhancer, which it does, but the blue-greene alage also has great benefits with depression.)
You can take a combination of these, one or 2 or all. Whatever you can get your hubby to take. It is hard to implement things into depressed peoples lives. It won't be easy, but try your darndest!!

Things that can help the atmosphere of your home:
1. Write gratitude journals.
2. Have family discussions about what went WELL that day and WHY. Elaborate as much as you can. (Assuming your hubby won't come up with anything positive to say, be on the look out for what goes right in his day, and when you have a family discussion about good things, you will be able to remind him.)
3. Remember good times and talk about them. e.g. your honeymoon, wedding day, best family vacation, weirdest cousin, etc...
4. Write lists about what you like about people in your home or extended family, that anyone is having a hard time with (or not). This could be simple things like I like their hair cut, or I like their big toe. It is easiest to start off with simple things.

Again, this will be hard to implement, but you do what you can. He won't always be involved the way you want him to, but when there is so much positive energy emitting from you and your kiddo's, I'll bet he can't help but be somewhat uplifted from it.

I really hope you can help him. Do what you think is best for him. No one can really tell you what you should do, how you should do it, why etc... ( I guess I shouldn't be writing you ;), but you can take people's advice and do what you know will work for your hubby! After all, you know him better than anyone!!

Everything will work out!!

J., please get your husband to your family doctor immediately. I know that this is easier said than done but he is obviously seriously depressed. They can get the process started to get some help. Best of luck to you and your family.

This sounds like me a few months ago. My husband had wanted me to go on pills a long time ago, but I kept saying no. (He has been on pills for along time.) Fineally when I got to the point your husband seems to be at I knew I had to do something. So I made an appointment and he put me on Prozac. It has made a world of difference. I am a lot happier and things don't seem so bad. I still have my down times, but they are way less often. I can actually function and be mom. The only thing I don't like is I am a lot more tired. I am thinking of trying a new one to see if I am not as tired. That is another thing my husband keeps reminding me is there are lots of different kinds of pills, so keep trying new ones until you find one that works. Now the next problem is getting him to realize he needs help. I know I resisted for a long time. He has to make the choice. Good Luck! Feel free to message me if you want to talk.

Sounds like you have gotten a lot of good advice. I just wanted to add the following...

Seratonin is a neurotransmitter that has an effect on moods, anger, depression, etc. There have also been studies that show it may have an effect on the development of brain tumors. Seratonin is produced when we sleep...and produced best when we sleep in the dark. For some reason our bodies do not seem to produce it as well if we take a nap in a fairly light room.

This could be having an effect on your husband's depression...lower than normal seratonin. Is there a way he could switch to working days? If not, make sure he is getting enough sleep and it is a restful sleep in a very dark room.

I bring this up because my father-in-law passed away a couple of years ago of a brain tumor. It was a total shock because he was a very healthy 67 year old man...this came on suddenly and moved quickly. The ONLY risk factor we found was that he worked 3rd shift for over 30 years and always slept during the day. He ate pretty healthy, didn't drink, didn't smoke, etc. Once we read the study about seratonin and 3rd shift workers, we felt like we may have found a possible reason. We will never know now. But I feel the need to let people know of this possibility. It doesn't mean this type of thing would happen to your husband, but it may play a role in the depression you see now and may be something you can work to change.

Best of luck!