"Exploration" Vs. "Being Stingy" Benefits and Drawbacks, Please Contribute.

Y.,
I too will through my 2 cents in. I too have the same car debate everytime I go some where with my kids because I too let them "play" in the car. I am very much like you, my kids are very hands on, and we play in the truck all the time. Here is what I have been noticing. For my kids things have to be black and white. Either it's ok all the time or not ever ok.... They are too young to find the grey area, or to understand why sometimes things are ok and sometimes they are not. Now that does not mean you have to be stingy, but still be careful, it has bit me in the butt more times then I can count cause I let them explore too much (and yes I still do, so I can't answer the question you had about when will I ever learn). My best advice I guess would be is that if you are going to raise two "free spirits" be ready to do some chasing down too!!!!

None of that probably helped but it might have.

H.

both have their benefits. I tend to do both. It seems to me that were things went wrong is that you did not think on how this would effect things in the future. for example; if you let a little one touch something that is fragile, keep in mind that they will break something eventually. If you can live with that say it is no big deal than by all means let them explore. The van was a dangerouse one that I think you did not relize could be dangerous, but we all live and learn ^-^. Myself I am very strict on things that could hurt them or others but let them explore other things. I let them get up close to the fireplace so that they can feel the heat just be sure to point out to them that fire burns. That they can catch fire if they get to close so stay behind this line. ( in my house it is the stone landing in front of the fireplace) On the other hand I do not let them hold something that is fragile. I will hold it and let them touch it but they are not to pick it up themselves. This is more of a precaution so that they do not break something at some one elses house.

The key is to be consistant. If they can not play in the van when the keys are in it. than everytime the keys are in it they are not to play. Be careful not to send mixed messages.

I hope this helps
T.

i don't believe you are being stingy so much as setting limits. he just needs to learn that playtime is not 24/7, as much as he wants it to be, and that play areas are not safe at all times. I've gone through things like this with my son before. when doesn't listen when i ask him to follow to me, i will start walking away and say goodbye. 90% of the time he will start yelling "nooooooooo", and run after me saying not to leave him. I think what you are doing is fine, and maybe it will just help more to explain to him why it is not okay at that time. and if he is regularly forcing you to walk around in the cold with your baby, maybe you could try getting him completely out of the car first and close the door so he can't jump back in, then get the baby out.

As much as it sometimes seems as though your child is all over the place and a little out of control, by giving him the freedom and support to explore his world safely and approprietly you are providing him with the building blocks for his life. This stage of his life will only last a short while and even though at the moment it seems frusterating and can pull at your nerves I believe that it is at these times that children safely learn limits and boundries. As long as you are consistant in what your saying and how your acting your child (even though he will continue to push your boundries- this is how he learns) will in the long run have a strong sense of exlporation, independance, and what is write and wrong.
Keep up the good work! Being a mom is hard but your children are worth it!

I may not be understanding you completly but I will put in my two cents anyhow. I let my children explore. I let them touch the pretties I just do it with them. I talk about being careful and then when we are done we put them away where they cant get them alone. We sit by the fire and feel its warmth and talk about how hot is too hot and that fire burns.

I do not let my children do anything "borderline" because if they are supervised it is safe. As long as I am with them and do not give them the opportunity to do these things when it is not safe then there is no problem.

Now letting your small child play in the van alone is a bad idea. My son got into my friiends car to play when she was watching him. She was watering the flower bed nearby. he put it in neutral and that flower bed was to far away for her to react and help when the car rolled backwards. he hadnt shut the door when he was playing and fell out the side. The car rolled over him. He was only 4 at the time. He ended up in the hospital but was very lucky it could have been worse.

Things can seem ok until we realize how dangerous they really are. If your son jumped in the front seat while you were getting your baby out of the car it could be alot worse than you having to hold the baby in the rain and walk around the car to make him get out. what if he could knock it out of gear while you and baby are behind it.

I am in no way saying you are a bad parent. There are some things we just dont think about until we have a bad experience. my advice is better safe than sorry. exploration under supervision is fun but some play is too dangerous for little kids even with the best intentions.

I would have to say that Domoni(?) has some good "advice". I, too, like to let my son explore...it's how they learn! And I don't think that setting limits for our childrens' safety is being "stingy", either. You have to do what is right for you and sometimes, we have to modify what we think is right. I didn't receive a handbook when I had my son, did anyone else? (if you did, send me a copy, please! :p)

I would have to say that I don't think that letting your son play in the drivers' seat is a horrible thing, but I don't think it's a good idea for the reasons Domoni stated...and just remember, YOU are the parent and the "boss"...not your child :) I know that I wasn't always happy with my parents when I didn't get to do what I wanted...but I was loved and safe. :)

I do the exact same thing and I'm just as frustrated as you are gonna be in about a year. my daughter has taken control of our relationship. I've had to turn everything around and i've started corner time with nose on the wall and soap in the mouth for dicapline. it seems to be working. Although yours is still young enough to moled. I'd do it now while he's too young to rember because my daughter ermember's EVERYTHING now and I mean EVERYTHING. from kissing daddy(who has not been around since she turned 3) to what mommy said when someone else was telling her NO. I'm mad at myself for not doing it soonner. people call my kid spoiled. I think of her as smart and educated about her surroundings. she has a judge in caracter because of my past. and she does show effection through forceful play like hitting and punching because m step dad told her to hit his bald head growing up. I can't change that but i'm trying. that's just how she learned to show those fealings and i'm sure i'm gonna be in the princapal's office unless I stop the behavior in the next year or so. rambling anyway i just ment to tell you I know how it feels.

We are very permissive with our 14-month-old and always have been. We let her have supervised play with typically "dangerous" things (ie, she loves to play with our D&D dice, which are choking hazards), but there are always rules. The biggest rule that we started around 6 months was "NO MOUTH". She learned pretty fast that if she was being allowed to play with something special (like the dice, or the TV remote) but put it anywhere near her mouth, she'd get told off and the thing would get taken away.

Obviously, it's not a perfect system because kids need repeated lessons to learn. So there were times of frustration and power struggle, when she'd defy us by putting the thing in her mouth and then holler when we took it away. But we stuck to our guns on the command, in part because we knew we were being so permissive otherwise that we felt entitled to be really strong on the few rules that were there.

It has paid off. Last night, she spent half an hour playing with my dice (supervised closely), and not once did she put them near her mouth, because she knew playtime would be over if she did.

Also, I have a rule in my head because of something I remember from childhood that pissed me off...I used to HATE it when I asked why I couldn't do something and the answer would be "because we said so." That's a BS answer. I have a personal rule to never, ever say that. If I tell my daughter she can't do something, I ALWAYS give her the reason. I will say, "Peo, if you put the remote in your mouth it will get sticky and might not work anymore," or "Peo, if you bang on the glass like that it could break, which would be very dangerous for you and ruin the cabinet. So please don't do that."

Even when I have to be really harsh (by which I mean taking her aside and speaking in the Angry Mummy voice, which I reserve for serious situations so it always gets taken seriously), I always take time to explain why I'm angry. I'll say, "I've told you four times now not to hit me with your toy. It hurts me when you do that. I don't like being hurt, and I know you're a nice girl who doesn't want to hurt me. It's not safe to play like that. Stop it now or I'm taking the toy away."

She'll pout, maybe glare at me a little, but she'll stop, at least for awhile.

So you really can be permissive but stick to the main ground rules. Think of the rules you do have as being a solid foundation for allowing the rest of the freedom. Explain the reason for the rule each time, even if the kid doesn't get it, because one day they will get it and if you've been consistent, it helps them learn and avoids them being able to nitpick you back.

Incidentally, you sound like a very sensible person. You sound like the kind of person I'd get along with really well, and that's rare for me to say online. :)

I certianly think that there can be a middle ground. My daughter loves to pretend to drive. But, we on;y allow her to do it when we are in the car and watching her. She is only allowed to use the steering wheel. That way she doesn't get any funny ideas about shifting the gears or playing with the cd player. So, she gets to have fun and we can keep the things we have in working order. As for the fragile things. Let them know it's okay to touch pretty things with Mommy's help and only at your own home. Just as you might let them run around naked at your own home. You might not let them do that at a store or another person's house. So too are breakables. Allow touching of your things but not of others.That way if the child breaks the thing, you won't nesicerily have to buy another to replace it. If it is not replacable, don't allow them to handle it themselves. Hold it for them and allow them to feel it. Try this on your bed. It's a large space and there is plenty of light. Just be clear that the pretties in your house can be handled. But not other places. That way your children can be free, even if its only in thier own home.

I think you're right, somewhere in the middle is probably the best way to be. And I know you already know this, we're learning while they're learning too! and it seems like you are doing a great job at learning where to set the boundaries. some things, even though not very dangerous (like the front seat) may need a boundary not just for them but for you as well. even though it doesn't cause him harm, you realize it not only turns out to be a PITA, BUT you realized "how is a 2 year old supposed to know and remember when it's OK to touch the fragile things and then when it's all of a sudden not appropriate?" and thats the biggest lesson i think from the whole thing. All Moms have been through this and I continue to go through it too everyday! the scariest thing is it wont end with 2. or 3. or 17! But at some point we have to trust that we've done a good job at keeping the balance between exploration and protection. what I think is important about the protection part is the explanation, how much to give and at what age. That's a tough one! every kid is different too. My daughter is very good about safety, and knowing when to be cautious in certain situations. even though my home is child proofed and most cabinets have locks at all times, i never had to worry about her going into a cabinet and drinking a bottle of draino. Just one firm NO about a place or thing and that was it, she never tested the limits after that. My son, on the other hand, will be a different kind altogether. he's only 9 months and I've already figured that out! so what works for one kid, is not the case with another, and thats the tricky part too. there are a lot of grey areas when it comes to exploring. some things that i let my daughter do (like play with her DVD's and now some are ruined LOL) I wont do with my son. like i said, live and learn!

For me, I felt that I had to be more of a "No, no that's not to play with" kind of mom when my little ones were really little... this was more for my sanity than anything, as I had four of them in just under five years, so I felt that I had to have some definite boundries and consequences for crossing them. I would call myself a strict mom. But what I did was put everything that was dangerous (chemicals, glassware, utinsals) either where they had no access to or in designated 'grown-up' places (when they were old enough to understand such a concept) and then let them have free run of their play areas and bedrooms. I didn't want them to feel free to just grab at things that didn't belong to them whenever it struck their fancy, but to ask before they handled anything, even my things (again, when they were old enough to comprehend this). I felt that this taught them to respect not only other people's things but their own things as well. I didn't want them to be confused about what was appropriate and what wasn't, like why could they play with mom's pretties but it's not ok at Nana's, or at a friend's house. Not to say that things didn't ever get broken (I still lament the figurine of a ballet dancer that was my great-grandmother's *sigh*)! This is just me, and how I raised (am raising) my kidlets. I don't think I'm stingy, just firm with what is ok and what definitly isn't. My children are happy and well adjusted and I certainly don't feel like they have missed (or are missing)out on exploration or satisfying their many and varied curiosities. Maybe because they were so close in age, I felt that I had to take a firm hand in structure. But that's just me! I'm still just learning (boy am I learning!!!). Take care! I don't know if this was exactly advice or just me rambling... *shrugs*

Hi Y.-
I run an in home child care and am also the mommy of a wonderful 3 year old boy who has been allowed to "explore" his whole life. Sometimes we have the power struggles with him "driving" the car but I've learned to just tell him that he has two minutes and then we'll go in the store. I'll move to the passenger seat and he drives and then we are off to do our errands. But there are days when I tell him no driving because we have too many things to do and that if he has no fits about it, I'll let him drive when we get home. Now, the first couple of times we did this, he had big fits and I didn't let him drive later on. It took a few times before it all registered. As for other no's at our house...the fireplace is off limits and it's always a "hot" item not a "no" and same with the oven. I have a grandfather clock that he isn't suppose to bang on and that's it. Everything else is up for grabs. I have candle holders and other things always at the kids level. Since they see them as every day items, they aren't interested. Three of my four daycare are the same way. Now my "stingy" daycare parents have a child who is distructive since he has so many rules at home. He has a gated area that he is allowed to play in and that is it. So when he's here and has free rein, he climbs on the dining table, pulls leaves off of plants, tears posters off the wall in the playroom...well he does just about everything that he shouldn't do and I am constantly saying "no". Then I feel bad because I don't have to do this with any of the others. I think that since he isn't allowed to explore at home, he is over stimulated here and goes nuts. His parents also don't ever take him out anywhere because they say his is a tyrant. I guess we just have to pick our battles.