Explaning to Child That Other Parent Is Limiting Visitation

I'm going to give you some very good advice and I'm going to pray that you and your ex wife take this advice to heart. I was where you are once, 30 years ago. My ex and I divorced when my child was 3 years old and then even though we were both educated people who both loved our daughter very much, we did dumb things like you are proposing here. Daddy told her that he had to live in a small apartment so that mommy could keep the house. I told her she had to go to daddy's for Christmas because that's what the court said. Daddy told her at my house she didn't have to clean her plate but at his house she had to. Daddy had clothes that matched his stepdaughter's clothes that could not come back to mommy's house, because they were clothes that lived at Daddy's. My daughter now has serious mental health issues. PLEASE don't do this, PLEASE don't involve your child in these issues AT ALL. Give your child a life as normal as possible. Learn to co-parent, even though you are divorced. Friend of the Court will provide resources. Consider the possibility of spending some times together so that both birth parents are with the child. Go to the zoo together. Spend his birthday together or a few hours on the holidays together. Agree on one set of rules, even if you have to work with a therapist to do it. Support each other as parents - don't compete to be the favorite parent - in the end, you will both lose! At one point, you loved each other enough to make this little guy, find it in your hearts to do the right thing for your son. All you need to tell your son right now, is I love you so much and I'm going to call you a lot until the next time we have play time together. Period. Nothing about his mom is doing it, or the court is doing it or the divorce is doing it. Just normal, love you, see you soon, let's talk on the phone a lot till then. Then you and your ex work it out with a counselor. Seriously, I wish with all my heart that I could turn back time, I wish someone had told me that even what I thought (and I'm sure what my ex thought) were sweet little things said to make sure she knew I/he loved her, were really just selfish things we said to protect ourselves and our own standing with our child. Protect him, not yourself, support her in all parental ways even though you are divorced...and I would tell her to do the same. He just needs to see and think that you are on the same page as far as him - ALWAYS. Please make that your goal. Good luck to you.

Paul,
I would start by telling him that you are working on ways to see him more often. Sometimes grownups don't get along well, and aren't sure how to change that. You are working on a way so that his mother and you can get along better and he can be happy with both of you. Tell him that you want to make the most of the time you have together and really look forward to the next time. Some things take time and all must be patient.
I have struggled with my son's dad not wanting to see them, then telling them he misses them so very much.... at 16 and 13 they now know that is bs. He already knows the reason you don't see him much. He will come to understand his mother, in time and will be glad that you tried so hard.
You might consult a child psychologist and ask what is an appropriate way to handle the situation.
Good Luck.

Without getting into the blame game with your son, you could answer honestly. "Right now, this is the agreement that your mom and I have" and further explanation could be that your agreement was based on when you lived further away and you will try to have it changed.

If I were you, I would make your request to his mom in writing. Specify that although the current order was fair at the time, you now live close enough that more time is manageable and both you and your son want more time together. Tell her that you would like to reach an agreement without having to go back to court. Ask for an opportunity to discuss or a written response by a specified date. Any agreement you reach, have it written up and notarized. You should probably initially ask for more than you want so you can give a bit and hopefully still get close to what you want.

Just remember, as your son gets older even if you don't have more visitation you can always stay involved (unless your order says otherwise)...go to his school events, have lunch w/ him, get involved w/ his extra-curriculars and PTA.

So sorry you have to go through this. I'm sure is awful for everyone and yet, it's a little difficult to give you advice with half the story. But I guess one way to say it is:

"Mommy and Daddy both love you and went to spend as much time as we can with you. Sometimes it takes a long time for people to agree on things and we're working at figuring out how to share your time. Right now it's Dad's turn and when you go home it's Mom's turn. Aren't you lucky to have two people that love you so much?"

Can you call everyday before he goes to bed and say goodnight? Is there a computer at his house with a web cam so you can see each other everyday? Keep telling him you will see him the next time he comes over and that you love him very and leave mom out of it. It is very hard to let the little guy go but the less you say about mom the better you both will be. Also get pictures of the two of you together so he can have it with him when goes home. Good Luck!
J.

Dont say anything to your son about his mother. Do not put him in the middle even if it is her fault. Take her to court. Dads always get the short end of the stick and the bad rap, but sometimes the mothers and the courts make it impossible for dads. Good luck!

You don't tell him your time is limited because 'his mother says so', tell him that 'the courts' think this is the best arrangement, and when the courts decided this, it WAS a good arrangement (if indeed it was) but now that things have changed some, ie-you moved closer, things need to change a little bit before the two of you can spend more time together. You love spending time with him and can not wait for 'the courts' to agree that this is a wonderful idea. You are in for a long journey, it is very difficult to co-parent when you are not together, and many parents (mothers AND fathers) use the kids as their own personal power trip, which can make it VERY hard on the other parent in trying not to bad mouth them...just remember how much you love your son, HE makes dealing with balogni worth it, right?

If he asks, "why can't I stay longer?" or says "I want more time with you" just tell him lovingly, you would sure love to have more time with him too, but for now it is Mom's turn to be with him, so he is going to have his special time with her now, and you just can't wait until he comes back. Then remind him of what he has to look forward to the next time he is with you. My God, PLEASE don't talk to a 3 year old about your going to court to work out a new visitation schedule. All he needs to know is both parents love and cherish their time with him.

Tell him that this is the arrangement mandated by the court--right now. Tell him you will try your best to get the court to agree to more time to spend together.

I don't see a way around you taking "Mom" back to court........you can try to talk to her....nicely with witness's......and try that, but my guess is that it's going to go to court............

If you want to try another step first...........get your lawyer to draw up a new arrangement.......have him send her a letter stating that this is the visitation you would like to have with your son.....be overboard on this so that you can "give in" on some points......and still look good...understand? You should be able to have him on Wed. I think every other week for the evening....and during the summer and Christmas......but, try the lawyer thing first......and be sure to state that if an agreement can't be reached, you will take her back to court...........that way the ball is in her court............and you gave it a reasonable try before going.....

As for you son.......tell him you are working on getting him more.......that you agree that it's just not enough time and you're sure things will be fine.......please don't say anything about Mom....he's too young to understand other than Mommy is being mean......so use the courts, etc....

Good Luck and I hope things work out for you.....take care.

While your son may ask "Why", it is your job not to belittle or berate his mother. That's his mother and he will protect his mom with his last breathe. that is the nature of the relationship between mothers and sons. It would be a huge disservice for you to tell him it's his mother's fault you don't get to spend more time with him.

Drag her back into court with attorney in tow to get some additional visitation time. If you are not up for the fight, leave things the way they are, your son won't always be 3 and he will be 13 and may just be tired of his mother's controlling ways. At 13 he may be able to tell the courts what he wants.

Be the best dad you can but not at the expense of his relationship with is mom, no matter how controlling or otherwise she might be. He's only 3 and won't be able to handle that kind of maniputation and it is manipulation. Don't do it to your kid. He deserves better than that from at least one of his parents.

He doesn't need to know. I tell my daughter that she better not say anything to the kids that would cause them to be upset about the visitation. She is to tell them she has to go to work or something similar. If she has a problem with me it is between us and the kids don't need the stress.

I recommend you make her follow the court order to the letter and take her to court asap to get a more liberal visitation set. Since you are physically closer it should follow that you get more time with your child.