Very very long story here, but here goes.....
I have 3 kids, my oldesst I had very young but was very much in love w/ his Dad and we intended to get married. He ended up passing away unexpectedly when our son 1.5. I was 18 almost 19. Needless to say it was devastating and heartbreaking. I did the best I could to raise my son and care for him. We were doing ok for the most part but I could not afford health insurance to cover his medical needs at the time. SEVERE asthma and allergies, costing hundreds of dollars in Rx and hospital stays etc.
Anyways, my parents took guardianship of him because thier insurance was much better and didnt exclude treatment for pre-exsisting conditions as mine did. BTW I woorked full time and did not draw any kind of benefit. I ended up renting half of the other side of a house my parents were renting and eventually bought and I also had a brother the same age as my son. So it turned in to a large family unit.
Fast forward to my son being 12 I married my current husband, He was never around other men I dated I didnt want to put him through that. So anyways, my son is now going on 18 this year. I am planning him a big party, and in the meantime making him a scrapbook. Well my middle son who is 4 and my oldests best buddy, has noticed pictures of my sons birth father in the collection and is asking questions naturally. My oldest does not call my husband Dad he calls him by his name, we always let him make whatever choice he was comfortable with.
So I'm wondering how to handle this w/ the 4 year old. I dont want to "lie" to him, but I am afraid this may be more then he can really "get" He's been on a big kick talking about why people go to heaven lately and how he doesnt want to go w/ out us. So Im afraid of scaring him by telling him his brothers Dad is in heaven because its obvious he was a young man. Then there could plenty of others questions too. He wasn't in a car accident and wasn't sick either, it was a hard situation to explain so trying to explain it in 4 yr old terms? Just really not sure the best way to proceed......
This also brings up alot of painful memories for me. To lose my sons father when he was just a baby was really hard. And after about a year or two his family who I had never had problems w/ and CHASED them to see my son had completely bailed and never reciprocated trying to see him. So my oldest has only know me and my parents and siblings.
children respond remarkably well to death.
don't fall into an abyss of over-thinking the concerns of this situation. Be matter-of-fact & straight-forward, & all should go well.
I know he's already asking questions, but truly....it should be okay. :)
Just be honest. I know it is hard, but it is something all kids have to deal with at some point.
Surely he's seen TV shows where a person or animal dies? I would be matter of fact about it, and then briefly answer any questions. Don't make a big production of it or he will over think it. Just say "oh, that was brother's daddy, and he went to heaven, like Bambi's father". Let him know that it was a very sad time for everyone, but now we are all happy that we are together. It is part of life, and if you keep it as this big mysterious thing you never talk about, of course he will fear it. But if it is matter of fact, he'll accept it.
Sometimes a simple "That's "Dave", big brother's Dad." is all a kid needs. Start simple and go question by question as your younger son gives them to you. Be honest and keep it simple. :)
Tell the truth as best as you can.
I just lost a 9-year old neice and my MIL this year. My 9 year old and my 11 year old came to the funerals with me.
Here is some great stuff on talking to kids about death from those who know it best, a funeral home. I totally agree with NOT using euphemism. Kids don't get them. http://www.dohertyfh.com/children_explaining.html
If it was me I would just be honest and tell him that the dad died, that people of all ages can die and that is part of life so he will learn that anyhow. Then he should handle it well if you talk about it and then again he may just accept that and move on for now. You could tell him, if he asks, that people die from many reasons. I think just being honest but only answering what he asks is always better.
Check out "I Remember Miss Perry" by Pat Brisson. There are some really wonderful aspects to this book that aren’t apparent at first but upon reflection really impressed me. The story is about a beloved teacher who is young, vibrant and one day tragically dies in a car accident. The rest of the book is devoted to how children grieve, from questions about if they will see her again to the realization that she wouldn’t want them to be sad and cry. I loved that the person who dies is someone important and close but not a family member. For children just learning about death it sort of eases them in. My son only kinda gets it , and his questions were more about if there was a firetruck and ambulance at the car accident than about death itself. He did understand and relate to the grief though, and how it’s OK to be sad when someone dies. The other wonderful thing I found was that she died in an accident, she wasn’t sick, it was sudden. SO often we teach our kids that people die when they are old or sick, and that just isn’t always true. Obviously this is an intensely personal subject and up to every family how and when they broach it , but that is what I liked.
Review from No Time for Flashcards (http://www.notimeforflashcards.com/2012/10/books-about-bu...)
As a mom I just don't think any good ever comes from answering your child's questions less than honestly. That said, it is also appropriate to only answer the question they asked - and at an age appropriate level. So if he asks "who's that?" Your first answer is just "Ryan's dad" and then wait for the next question. If his questions eventually lead to "why" and worries about others passing at young ages then I think you just have to re-assure him that it was very unusual and unlikely to happen to someone else. Two of my 3 are "worriers" and I think over time their anxiety has been quelled by the knowledge that I never lie to them (and I have learned to help them out by not to go into all the "what-ifs" unless they ask me to.)
So sorry you have to go thru this:( The best advice I can give - and I'm speaking from experience here - is be honest with him BUT in an age approriate manner. ONLY answer the questions he asks and keep it short and simple. The only thing I would "lie" about is the way he died; for now, I would say he was VERY sick so your little guy doesn't think everyone could die so quickly. Then when he's older, and can understand, you could give details.
Good luck and Happy Birthday to your oldest! I just threw my son an 18th party three weeks ago. It was fun!!
I would just state that was his brother's daddy. If he asked what happened to him, I would just say he had to go somewhere else and couldn't be around anymore. I don't see the need in explaining anything further to a child of four years old at this point. If he persists, change the subject.
My son was four when my mother passed and he was very close to her. I didn't allow him to attend her funeral and I never really mentioned much about what happened until he was older and able to comprehend. I don't think children this age really "care" as much as you might think.
As far as your ex's family-I'm trying to understand how that must have felt. Perhaps one day they may be ready, but dealing with the loss of a chid is a terrible ordeal. Maybe your son reminds them too much of him and it's just too painful to bear. It doesn't mean that someday they won't have a change of heart. I wouldn't push the issue either way. Your son is lucky to have a loving family regardless of where the love comes from. Good luck.
As someone who was lied to for many years about a family member's death, the best thing is to tell the truth in the most age-appropriate way possible.
Your brother's daddy, who was a wonderful man, died and went to heaven and it was very sad. Then he will ask questions, so tell the truth in a way he can understand.
Explain it to him in the best way you know how with the most basic way you can. If the 4 year old sees your pain that is ok. Pain is a normal part of life and doesn't need to be hidden as long as it isn't inappropriate to the occasion. Four year olds understand more than you think. When our children passed away our youngest at the time was 3. We explained very basically what had happened and she understood we were very sad. Death is a part of life.
