To Tell or Not to Tell...

Hi D., I agree with telling him the truth. Hopefully he will not have too bad a time with it. You can handle it. If you try the other way and he realizes it that will not be good. Best wishes, Grandma Mary

Hi D.,

I think if a child is old enough to have a pet, then they are old enough to know when the pet dies, it's part of having pets. I believe if a child is old enough to notice the animal is gone, they're old enough to be told what it means to die. Death is an inevitable fact of life, and I can see no need to pretend it's not there, when the child is going to find out sooner or later (often sooner) that animals, people, etc die
Good luck!

I just went through this with my son and his frog, we told him. He cried, we talked about death, said goodbye and then a few days later got a new one. As a social worker, the benefit of talking about death early is great, especially with something as benign as his fish vs grandma or grandpa.

D.,

It is best to tell your son and have a honest discussion with him. Four year old children developmentally are learning to trust. If a child learns not to trust at a young age it becomes much more difficult as they age. You and your husband need to learn to talk about the difficult things when the children are young. The issues you have to talk about as they age become more bigger and more serious. There are a lot of great books in public libraries to help parents learn the right things to say and story books to help children better understand. We had fish when my children were little and I "just flushed them" they were so sad and wanted to dig a hole and put a rock over it to honor the life it had lead happily swimming around. At the time I kind of brushed it off, 20 years later they still bring it up very now and then, how sad they were to lose their first pets. I am now a professional parenting specialist ( yes, I got a degree in parenting education and family support) and I have learned so much through the lens of a child's eye and research. Be honest. Let him tell you how he "feels inside his heart" you can write a note to the fish, make this a learning opportunity.

Good luck,
E.

definitely tell him!!!!! don't make it something overly sad, just tell him that he was needed somewhere else and it was his time to go. my son's fish died when he was 4.5 and he and his father got a box and did a burial for it in the garden. then they got a flower to plant there.
always be honest no matter what topic. you don't have to be super specific, but don't lie or make up a dumb story. my mom was honest with me about everything and i am so grateful that i am an informed confident adult. just think... if you have a heart to heart with him and you are honest now... he will be honest with you about the things in his life as he grows.
-L.

Hi D., this past year we have had to deal with the death of our cat (12 years old) and the death of our beta (only had it for about 6 weeks). When the cat died our daughter was about 4 1/2 years old, she took it very hard at first, (Jordon, the cat, had been around her whole life). But we explained to her that Jordon was old, and that his heart was sick and he is now with Grandma and Grandpa keeping them company. We have pictures of the cat around and talk about him often. Same with the fish, that Sarah (the fish) just wasn't well (she knew that the fish hadn't been eating well for a couple of days). She cried for all of 2 minutes and then asked when she could get a new one. I think it best to tell them , and come up with anything to make it easier on them, but don't try to hide it. From what I understand your son is very smart and will be able to tell the difference between the Fishy and anything new in the bowl. Hope this helps you make a decision. Good Luck.

Lisa B

Tell him the fish died and went to fishy heaven. Death is a fact of life and the better we prepare our children the better they will be able to cope when a loved one dies. My 3 y/o grandson's rabbit died and they had a 'funeral' buried it in the flower bed. A few months later their neighbor's son died in an auto accident and he understood and was very comforting to the neighbor.

He's 4. I think he's probably old enough for the talk. I'm not one of those wacky "I don't lie to my kids about anything" moms. Hey I like Santa too. But I think this is such a natural part of life. And part of introducing pets into your house is to teach about nature, caring, life and even death. Good luck!

Hi D.-
I am a mother to 2 girls ages 5 & 8, also a nurse with a background in pediatrics. This is my advice and it has seemed to work for my girls in the past. I agree with you this is a perfect opportunity to have a breif discussion about death and dying. With my girls anyhow, it was an introduction when our cat passed away. Our youngest was about 4 at the time. I did the whole everything dies and when something dies their soul goes to Heaven talk, but I didn't get into too much detail, I let her lead the discussion and answered any questions she had. She didn't quite get the whole soul thing. So I said it was like a spirit, like in the cartoons or in the D isney movies. I reassured her that we would someday see "Jade" again. (of course this is provided you have the same beliefs we do). If I remember correctly there were a few tears initially but we put a memorial out in the yard for "Jade" and for a few days we took Jade flowers- after that it was pretty much forgotten. I found it was kind of a first building block for the whole death and dying talk. What I found is that we as parents actually stress more over what our kids reaction is going to be and at least for me it was no where near as bad as I thought it would be. Now later on when she was about 7 or so she also lost a fish and we made a whole big production of taking the dead fish into the bathroom. Each of us said a few words about "Rainbow" (also a Beta by the way) and then we did the ceremonial flushing!!! :) ( I think I got this idea from the Cosby Show years ago :) ) Again a few tears at the "ceremony" but within a few hours she was talking about when we could get another fish. Now every child is different-but I can tell you that my great aunt just passed away about a month ago and both my girls made comments about how Aunt Rosemary was up in Heaven with Jade and Rainbow. Also there are a lot of books out there geared to younger kids that may help you with the discusssion.

Hope this helps.
D.

I believe you should have the talk. We are actually going through the exact same thing right now, explaining the death of my grandfather to my 4 year old. I believe they are old enough to understand on some level, lying to them or hiding it will create fear in the future. Death is a natural part of life. I read books to my daughter and have even explained that a body runs out of juice just like a battery and doesn't work anymore. I don't say that death is like "going to sleep forever". That is very confusing and can make a child scared to go to bed. This is an opportunity for you to introduce the concept of death to your son on something less dramatic than a family member. My daughter has always helped me flush our fish and say goodbye. Your son may want to be a part of that. It would be better for him now with a fish, rather than have his first experience be with a family member in the future. Good luck whatever you decide.

A.

I just had to deal with this exact question yesterday. I have a 6 year old and a four year old and we had a Beta fish that lasted 2 years. When it died because of the 6 year old, I felt I had to have the talk. So we got a new one but then yesterday it died after only living 2 weeks!!! That one I just secretly replaced. I went to the pet store and looked through the cups until I found one that matched the coloring of Fish #2. I think 3 is still young where you can get away with it. I would wait until he's older to have the talk, unless you really feel you need to.
My son saw the dead fish #2 before I could replace it and the babysitter told him it was probably dead, but he had his nap and I came home, replaced it and when he checked on it after his nap he realized it was probably sleeping earlier.

Hi!
I had the same situation with my daughters, and went for the truth. Sure they cried, and were upset and I thought of it as them showing their feelings, which to me was OK. Then we went and picked out another beta. I think 4 years old is OK to talk about the fish dying. Good Luck!

I'd give him the talk, as gently as possible. Then, ask him if he wants another one.

hi there,

the EXACT same thing happened to me when my daughter was 4 - (she's 6 now) since we had never experienced this type of loss before, i took the opportunity to tell her about fishy...i explained that everything dies when it gets old, and that fishy's time had come. we put him in a paper towel and buried it together in the backyard. then we went a got a new fish together. she was very curious and asked a lot of tough questions, but she handled it really well. (no tears, no fears) i was happy that her first exposure to death was a fish and not someone she deeply and truly loved, so that maybe this would prepare her for the eventuality of it all...but be prepared for more tough questions at random. for instance, for a time when we would pass a cemetary she would ask me about the dead people there, and then ask if she was going there, etc. sometimes they ask you questions that really break your heart! i think you should definitely use this as a teachable moment, and i think your son will get it. good luck!

I would give him the talk... I think that is part of the process of growing up and it helps them to learn about death BEFORE a loved one passes... It doesn't help to tell them that they went to heaven because then they will want to go there and see them. I think the heaven talk is ok as long as you explain to them that the fishy can't come back to see him or can he see it again. A four year old is old enough to understand death. There also are books that you can buy at walmart or bookstores that help kids to understand what death is and what it means. That may also help.

ahh I say fake it!! I had to fake a hamsters death once..ok, three times! The last time we couldnt find one of the same orange color so we told our daughter the change of cold weather made him change his fur color. She was five and very smart for her age, and she believed it.

this same thing happened with my 3 1/2 year olds goldfish. i know it was the cowards way out, but we replaced it with one that was similar, she noticed a bit more white in the new one, and i just said something about how all people and animals change a bit as they grow up. couldn't bear to have that talk any earlier than i had to. good luck!

I would definitely have the talk about death now. There are lots of books for children his age that you can check out from the library that might help him understand and give you ideas of how you want to have the talk. Good luck.

Personally, I feel that by trying to make everything easier we make it harder in the long run. Tell the truth (to a point), life and death happen....by replacing things or always letting our kids win(or never lose) we set them up with some unreal expectations as they get older...Fish (and dogs, and people die) teach your child in an age appropriate manner how to deal with these things....I don't want to sound harsh but you can't go out and get another Grandmother and hopefully no one will pass for a really long time, I mean I'm 35 and still very close with my Grandmother, but the truth is things happen...a fish is the perfect way to start the adjustment of being aware and the odds are at 4 it may not even bother him. I have five little boys and 3 of them weren't even effected (besides an "oh that's sad") when their fish died...and on the flip side I have a little boy who was sooo upset when Stitch died in Stitch has a glitch(that even though Stitch did come back to life) to this day 3 years later he won't watch that movie...I guess my very long point is, of course use your discretion but be honest. You can't go wrong with the truth.

You son is old enough to have the talk. Don't lie to the poor kid. Whenever we had a loss in our family we had the talk and explained that this is a part of life. We had our children participate in a "Funeral" for the beloved pet. It is a kind of closure for them. We told them it was okay to be sad and cry if they wanted to. You probably will have to take your son to the store so he can pick out a new friend.

I haven't read the other resposes but you have to tell him. In fact its a great opportunity to teach him about life and death obviously you need to keep it at a 4 year old level but you can't just replace it and not tell him.

Hi D.

You really should tell Aidan. Eventually he'll figure things out since he's bright and observant, and it's worse to lie to your child than to explain even the difficult things.

Be prepared for any kind of reaction, it all depends on how attached he is to the fish (which are much harder to get attached to than a dog or a cat, since you have less physical interaction with it.) You can explain that fish don't always live very long and it's part of life. He might just shrug his shoulders or ask to get a new fish.

One thing you should not say is that the fish is sleeping. It might create a fear in him that if he falls asleep he won't wake up again, and you don't want to go there. Do be prepared for him to ask questions like if he will die, and the answer to that is something like "Not for a long time, honey!"

Good luck
R.

Yes tell, and have the talk. If your son is bright and figures out you were lying, he may not trust your explanations for things in the future.
My son's fish died this summer and while I was somewhat apprehensive about explaining it all to him, he was fine. Kids are so much more flexible than we adults are! We buried the fish in the back yard and once in a while he'll ask to go to the "grave" to put a flower on it. There are tons of great books you can get at the library, if you feel like going that route and getting into depth. Good luck.

HI D.,
I know where you come from, we've have 3 beta fish in the last 4 years. The first one 'Miles' was a birthday gift to my then 4yr old from her grandpa. It was with us for about an year and a half until we lost it one morning. I really did not have the mind to explain it to my child and was probably exactly in the same situation as you are now. I did not want to gloss over the event with a lie. A friend suggested all beta fish look the same and i should just replace, i bought one from walmart and replaced in the pot (after giving the earlier one a private backyard burial!)Again, your child's age, maturity level, and questions will help determine whether you might want to offer a clear and simple explanation for what's going to happen or has happened.Few months later i prepared the child mentally to what might happen and what she should expect with the fish. When we lost the second one after about an year my daughter said her goodbyes gracefully and we got home another beta(our third!) and named it Miles Jr. after the father (?)! !

Tell him the truth and don't hide anything. Start the talk now...and replace Mr. Beta ASAP with him...because this is just the beginning of pet burials, flushings, etc. We have been thru hamsters, cats, fish, but the best remedy is to replace immediately and to remind your child of the good life he gave the pet while he had it and to go out and get some other homeless waif who needs taking care of!

Just went thru the same thing w/ my 4 yr old! "Flippy" the Beta diddn't last a whole weekend. I explained to my son that the fish was sick & he wasn't going to get better so he died. We took him back to the pet store in a ziplock bag & since it hadn't been 48 hours they let him pick out a new fish. I told him that everything & everyone that is born will one day die & thats why we must do the best we can every day so that we leave this earth a better place than we found it. He told grandma & a few close relitives that "Flippy died but it's okay cause now we have a new fish named "Movie" cause he moves around a lot since hes not sick". The novelty of the whole expierence wore off in less than a week."Movie" is just fine!
Good luck & keep it short & simple. There will be other opportunities to explain more about death as he gets older

HI D.,

My advice would be to have the talk with him. I actually was forced to have one with my 3 year old not too long ago as her step grandpa died. I explained to her in very simple terms that every living creature has to die and that they go up to Heaven. Depending on your beliefs you can leave the last part out, but my daughter was very accepting of it, and has since been able to relate it to and fully accept her Nana's cat passing, whom she was quite fond of.

Hope this helps!

-Jen

Things die. A good way to set a secure perspective. Life goes on and we have to deal with it. Give him a choice if he wants a replacement.

Our cat died when my daughter was just under 2 1/2 and my son was a month old. We didn't and couldn't hide it. It's a good age for this to happen and he's old enough to understand that everything/one isn't forever and you can make a nice ceremony of saying goodbye. We have fish and have had many toilet funerals over the past couple of years. My daughter is nearly 5 now and she takes it much better when a fish dies, but it took a long time for her to heal over the cat.

You could easily get caught in the switcheroo. You don't know how carefully your son looked at or knew the fish. There could have been more red or more blue on the fins and the new one doesn't have it.

Good luck and maybe check online for some tips on how to explain death to a 4 year old. We just went with our gut and went with very sick and old, but you have to be delicate about the words and how you say it, because you don't want them to be afraid of getting sick or grandma getting old.

Dear D.,

I feels good to see that you are so thoughtfull as a mother so as to take care of his emotions which may be latent.

In my opinion without sounding disturbed about the death of a living creature if you could just describe that any thing tath takes birth has to die one day and that nothing is immortal and it is a part of life it would be easy.

In fact i feel touched by the incident because a similar incident happened with a friend of mine who very bravely explained death to her daughter who was the same age as your son. Children should learn to deal with "parting away".

My friend is no more but her teaching to her daughter has made her a strong human being.

good luck and god bless

J. from India

You should be honest with your son. Even a 2-year-old can understand that the fish is gone, so your son is old enough to learn this lesson. He will probably forget about it after a few days. My sister-in-law just had to do this with her 2-year-old daughter when her fish died. It helps to prepare them for the future if you get a bigger pet, like a cat or a dog. It doesn't have to be a big long discussion- just say that he went to fishy heaven and that should do. No need to go into detail unless he asks further questions. You don't want to cause more anxiety or have him think about family members dying.

I tend to think you have made the right choice is telling your little guy the truth about the loss of his pet.
I also tend to think if you still have the fish, do a little funeral, giving the child a chance to say his good-byes. Answer all questions, help him to mourn, get though sad feelings and when he asks for another pet, it should be one of his choice.
Not an easy thing but reality of life and we all have to learn to deal with it no matter how old we are...
healing hugs.....

Saw your response and glad all went well. I agree with you... I would have told him and explained that fish don't live for too long and that he can get another one....

Our dog died when my older son (almost 6 now) was not quite 4 1/2. We didn't have the option of replacing Moose (he was 100 lbs., easily missed...). So we took that opportunity to explain that pets die and people die. The good thing is that gave us the introduction we needed, and when my Mom passed away this spring, he had some concept of death, and what it meant to us, and (I think) dealt with that a lot better.

I'm so happy you told your son the truth...It's my personal opinion that lying to your children is wrong - even about the tough facts of life.

My husband's ex wife lied to their daughter all time time about things like this...they had a hamster once, it died, she replaced it with another that had different color eyes, then concocted this crazy story about how it went to the vet and he put drops in it's eyes and they changed colors...

His daughter STILL (she's now 17 1/2) talks about that and how she wishes her mom would've just been honest...They grow up and get smart!

Good for you for being forthright with your child...and good for him for being so well adjusted, you're obviously doing something right!

Best wishes,
J.

Hi D.,

I would explain to him that the fishy died.

My 3 1/2 year old daughter's beta also passed a few weeks ago and she had this fish since birth. His name was BIG RED. We had a funeral for this fish and she took part in it. We had bagpipes (my husband plays) playing Amazing grace, and we had the fishy in a paper cup casket. We flushed him into fishy heaven. We were really surprised that she didn't ask us 100 times why the fishy went to heaven. It was like she knew. Just as when it thunders she thinks God is bowling with her grandpa in heaven.

A few days after the flushing heaven funeral she asked for a new fish. So now we have "BIG BLUE PRINCE".

Good Luck but I would just let him know that his beloved fish has passed on.

Hi D.. I would absolutely have the talk with your son. We recently had a neighbor pass away and had to explain to my children (ages 4 and 6) about death. It was discussed in a way tht they could understand and matter of factly as to not scare them. Our neighbor was very sick and in the hospital for months so they knew she wasn't well. They talked about it alot for a few days and now in passing they'll say they miss her or is she in heaven? But it was never a "bad" thing to talk about death> its a natural thing and it sounds as though he is ready for it!! good luck!

Definitely definitely definitely tell!

I am a mom and MH therapist. Anyone who is old enough to love is old enough to mourn. This is the one and only true measure of "readiness" to deal with grief. And a fish is a great 'starter' for this important aspect of life. Further, he should really be (or have been if its too late) a part of the 'bury-ing' process. And he should be a part of selecting the new fish, if ya'll are getting another.

Further, you should know that most children really go through a fear of death and understanding of life and its limits around 5-6 years old. Expect to see this soon and he will be referring back to this within himself (which ultimately will be a good thing).

This is a teaching opportunity- don't let it pass! -N