ExHusband

Hi, Consuelo:

When he contacts you, listen or respond sympathetically and
tell him, " I am so sorry to hear or read that you are having difficulty
with................ There is nothing I can do to help you."

Or something to that effect.
He could be lying for all you know. He hasn't helped you when you
needed it.

I not saying this to be punitive. I am saying this because he has red flags about his honor.

Just a thought.
Good luck.
D.

Consuelo:

DO NOT say ANYTHING to your daughter about her biological father's medical condition. You don't know this for sure. Even his grandmother didn't know....so he could be playing you. I know it's bad to think that way of people, unfortunately, it happens.

As to the arrears? Are you really EVER going to get it?

I don't know what your expectations are. I wouldn't presume to tell you what they should be. I don't know your ex-husband nor do I know the relationship or lack thereof you or your daughter have had with him.

You need to think about what YOU want and need. Do you NEED the money? Since he doesn't pay regularly - are you going to miss it? I know since he's in arrears, it's probably a nice sum of money...but are you EVER going to get it?

Personally? I would say I'm sorry - I've tried to help you in the past. And things didn't change. I'm not sure how changing it yet again will help in anyway. I'm truly sorry your son has Down's and that you have medical issues. I will pray for you.

I would not tell your daughter anything until you have 100% proof that this is really true. I hate to be jaded in my thinking, but I worry that he is just saying this in order to get his payments reduced.

At the point that you find out that it IS real, tell your daughter. First of all, she needs to know his medical history, and secondly, she will find out from someone down the line, and will be upset if she finds out that you knew and didn't tell her.

Dawn

There comes a time in our lives when it's best to just move on. While he clearly owes you money - what is the chance that you're ever really going to get it all? Are you in a better or worse position than he is? I truly believe that "karma" is another way of saying that God does hold the scales of justice. What I've learned is that sometimes it's better for us to let go of stuff that people owe us - whether it's money, apologies, whatever. The energy and emotional effort of considering the owed money, the injustice, etc. would bother me and probably do more damage to me than to him.

As for your daughter, I think she deserves to know that her bio-dad may have a potentially life threatening or life altering illness. My dad was very much not involved in my life by the time I was 20 but I would have wanted to know this information so I could either make peace with him or with myself. I had the opportunity to talk to my dad a year before he died (he didn't know he was ill - none of us did it just so happened he came to visit). I pressed him for answers as to how he could desert his family, why he didn't reach out to us all those years, did he know we became very poor when he left, etc. I was able to hear him apologize to me, he cried and told me that he made very foolish mistakes and he would forever regret them - he wished he could go back in time and do things differently. He told me how much he loved me and my siblings. He told me how he dealt with years of mental health issues until he could face the mistakes and guilt he had to deal with. It was very healing for me and I was able to forgive him. Some of my siblings made a point to go into deep issues with him, other did not. The ones who didn't never felt a sense of closure when he died. Although we didn't know him well, there was still a feeling of loss when he died - probably a loss of what could have been - but it was still a loss.

All that to say I think your daughter deserves the option to decide if she wants to press the issue while he's still on this side of eternity. If she understands that her bio-dad may be a jerk, may be a knuckelehead who had lots of his own problems, emotional scars, etc and that she is not unlovable but that he clearly doesn't know how to love - then she'll get through this fine. I would suggest she considers some kind of counseling - it's enormously helpful when dealing with old emotional scars.

Good luck mama - so much of the stuff of this life is difficult...

Tell him that after all these year you need a little more than his word that he is sick. If he is willing to provide you with a letter that details his diagnosis, you will be happy to think about what you can do. And then you can make a decision.

And then, if he is sick, you tell your daughter. She is an adult and she can decide for herself whether she wants to build some sort of relationship or at least talk to him, especially if he has cancer and may have limited time left.

Good luck.

Ok , maybe I am a little to close to this situation , as I have dealt with and am still dealing with a very similar situation. Lets get to it, I would not tell her about his "illness". You have no way of knowing whether or not that is true. And since he has the obligation, why can't he speak with child support on him own behalf? My children's father, who is not active in their lives, nor does he pay the court ordered support, and has a huge arrearage, did the same thing , only I found out that he was lying about the "illness". Since I didn't contact child support , he did, and basically , they told him that they have all sorts of job training and resources to help them find jobs if they don't have one, so the support still needs to be paid. I am not sure about this case, I don't know your ex, but I would let him deal with that. If he indeed does have this illness, then he needs to take the initiative, and contact child support so that he know what steps he needs to make in order to pay it. If it is arrears, then it is an order that was not paid; i don' t think they can ammend an order that was not only already established, before his illness, but was not paid to satisfaction , before his illness, and before the child turned 18. It is a shame, because we should not have to do it alone, so I think you should let it play out. I know you have done it alone all of these years, but who couldn't use some extra money? Look at it that way. It could go towards college or a vehicle. My point is , if they are going to pursue it, why not take it. If this illness was just realized, what does that have to do with before, when the child was younger than 18? That was not a factor, then, so if he is only paying arrears, I see no need for that to even be considered. I know that this may sound a bit cold, but you need to think realistically. My thing is, if the fathers were present , there would be no need for child support, so take it if it is given.

I do not know I'd want to help him but I probably would swallow my pride and say spend some time with your daughter as this may be the end. Make her feel worthy without telling her you want something from me. Treat her like a princess and make her happy. If you do that then I'll help you.

I think you should tell your daughter about his medical condition if for no other reason that her knowing her full medical history (trust me, not knowing becomes difficult later on in life). Also, she may want to attempt to get to know her father if, unfortunately, he is not long for this world. At 18, it's really her call. Just stand with her and support her as you always have. As for the $, I think I would try to work something out that, should he have $ in the future, it goes to help your daughter out with college or whatever life expenses she has.

Your daughter is 18, she can handle the truth about her father and his health. No embellishment needed.

He has money or he doesn't. He has had this responsibility all of these years.

He still owes money for his child's care, it is the least he could do.
I would try to work out a payment plan he can actually keep. Is he taking advantage and wasting his money, because he knows you are always willing to lower the payments or is he really having financial problems.. That is how you can judge this.

"The combination of these 3 issues have caused him to be laid off therefore he is having trouble supporting his son (I must mention the mother of the little boy does not help him financially, its complicated from what I understand) " Include your daughter in this conversation.

I am sorry you all have to go through all of this.

My ex is so on again, off again, that I just don't count on it when I do get CS. I would just let it go, not your problem. His health issues have nothing to do with the financial support he owes for the care of BOTH his kids. And I would not say anything to your daughter other than it looks like your dad may have some serious health issues. Since she is an adult now, she has a right to have whatever realtionship she chooses with her bio dad. Good luck.