I am a mother of two wonderful children (ages 13 and 14) who have lived primarily with me since I divorced their father 12 years ago. Their father has always done the bare minimum, only taking the kids on his scheduled weekends, allowing me to always tend to all their school, social and personal needs. He’s never even taken them to get a haircut. One year ago their father remarried for the third time to a woman who never had kids of her own. His new wife has made it her mission to replace me. Since remarrying a year ago, my ex husband has filed to have the child support amount he pays reduced by 90% (the court papers were all filled out by his wife), he is currently $30,000 behind in payments, he then filed an emergency hearing with the courts to have the kids removed from me citing “the kids are suffering emotionally and physically living with me” (the court papers again were all filled out by his wife). With absolutely no evidence the case was dismissed by the judge. My children have NEVER suffered emotionally or physically but according to my lawyer, my ex can make ANY claims against me no matter how untrue and I have to defend and prove my innocence in a court of law.
This new stepmother, who is unemployed and has no friends or hobbies, has consumed her life with taking my kids from me. She refers to my children as “her kids” she calls them her son and daughter, even has them listed on her Facebook account as her son and daughter. How do my kids feel about all of this? Mortified. My daughter has confronted her step mother that it upsets her when she tries to “act like my mom” but her feelings fall on deaf ears. How has their dad handled the situation? While $30,000 behind in back child support that he owes me, he recently paid out of pocket $8,000 to have a reverse vasectomy to give his new wife a child. They are currently fighting for full custody of my children who do not wish to live with them. Their argument “the kids are better off in a two parent household than a one parent household.” Yes, I am a single mother. They are trying to get out of having to repay any of the $30,000 back child support or having to pay any support moving forward and when I say “they” I mean the new wife because all emails, court papers, hearings and legal matters are handled by her.
I have spent over $5,000 in legal fees thus far just defending myself from their fabricated allegations and lies. This is nothing compared to the irreparable damage to the relationship their father has caused with his children, they want nothing to do with him now.
If you are a stepparent, please be mindful of the children’s biological parent, you are new to the family and do not have the history or bond a parent has with their child. The worst thing you can do is disrespect the ex-spouse, this will only drive your step children away from you.
If you are a newly remarried parent with a spouse who is overstepping their step parenting boundaries, it is your job to act in the best interest of your children NOT in the best interest of your spouse. Say something, do something so that you maintain a healthy and happy relationship between all family members, especially the children.
My Question: Does it appear my childrens step mother is over stepping her boundaries?
Also, What advice can you give me to best handle the situation with my children while going through this custody battle?
UPDATE - 2 years later. Today I have sole custody of both of my children. Step mother became pregnant with her own child a year and a half ago and she no longer had the need or use to play "mother" to my children. My ex gave up his parental rights and responsibilities to our children to focus on his new family. He has not seen or spoken to either of our children since last year. His wife is currectly pregnant with her second child with him (his fourth child total).
I haven't read this post in almost two years and it's still painful to recount what they put me and my kids through...all for nothing. Good news is my kids are thriving, happy and healthy. I'm both mom and dad to them and that's the best thing I could ask for.
I don't have any advice other than if you aren't going through you local child support agency, do it yesterday!
My ex get's $400-500 out of each of his cheek to cover that month's and all that he owes me. I don't have to worry about it at all. I would highly suggest getting that done. He complains that it's to much, but it's fair and square. I'd call and get some answers. Here in Utah it's called Office of Recovery Services or ORS.
Your post brings up some awful memories for me! I was in your situation. When my ex got engaged, I was still single. My ex only saw our daughter 2 days a month at the time and we were totally amicable with each other. Once she came in the picture she made it very clear that he would demand 50/50 custody and she would make sure the child support was a lot less. It was like a mission for her. She was pissed that he paid child support because in her mind, he was giving the money to ME, his ex wife. Major jealousy issues!!!! She even told me that because I was a single parent that our daughter would be better off in a 2 parent home, just like what you’re going through.
Sure it scared the heck out of me because at the time I was totally naïve and thought they could take her away from me! The thought terrorized me until I talked to my attorney.
After many mediations and court dates, I won and they had to pay my attorney fees which they attached to back child support. The kicker was he had to pay interest! At the time our daughter was only 3. She is now 13 and still lives with me 85% of the time. Those days are long forgotten and my ex now has 2 children with his wife. The 2 make a perfect pair LOL!!
A girlfriend of mine was going through something similar except the new wife actually called child services on her claiming she would always leave their 3 y/o at home alone for hours. Totally unsubstantiated! These kinds of stories are sadly, common.
Take care of yourself and never give up! Don’t let them bring you down, and fight like heck to not let them win!
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Since this is not a question, I'm afraid it will be pulled. That being said, your ex's wife sounds like my husband's step mother. She was always referring to them as "their kids" (my husband's mother responded with, funny how I dont remember you being in the delivery room) and sending nasty notes home about how they were going to take the children from her and she was a terrible mother, etc etc. What was the most sad was how, as it is with your kids, it damages the relationship with their father. They barely saw him until about 2 years before he died, and then the year before he died they moved to the other side of the country to be near her son and grandson, so they only were able to see him once when he was sick before he passed.
Hopefully your children being the age they are will be listened to by a judge if one is dumb enough to think they should be removed from your care.
I hate it when women are home all day, bored, and have all this time to do mischief on their hands.. There's usually one in every neighborhood. She's your hubbys 3rd wife? And talked him into a vasectomy reversal? He must border on "idiot" himself.
She sounds pathetic and yes, trying to get your husband out of paying his arrears, but guess what, that wont happen.
Luckily your kids are old enough to speak their minds.
You need to firmly sue for that arrears money.
Gee, what a nut case she is.
DOCUMENT everything. Get a Bulldog Attorney. And fight it. STAND up to her/your Ex... for your kids.
Your kids, even told her to stop replacing you.
Your Ex, is his Wife's lap dog. She controls him. Not that he was honorable in the first place. But now, they are like Bonnie & Clyde. Losers. And trying to manipulate everything, and lying at that... making you into a Bad Mom.
GET a STRONG Bulldog Attorney.
These are your kids.
The Step-Mom seems very... mentally off.
As you said, it is up to you to act in the best interest of your kids.
How old are your kids?
I would fight to have HIM and his new wife cover your legal fees due to the fraudulent and libelous/slanderous manner of his petitions. Then petition for his checks to be garnished for child support.
See if you can file a restraint against him and his wife too - citing mental instability and have proof of her over the top actions, including past court petitions and the vasectomy reversal. Also, as someone else mentioned - have your children speak out to the judge/lawyer/whomever the correct chain of command is - for something to end this wasteful, foolish and harmful line of attacks.
To answer your question, yes she does seem to be overstepping her boundaries (based on the information you have provided but if her claims were accurate, then I would say she is being a good parent). The best advise I can give you is to keep taking care of your children, try to minimize your interaction w/ dad and stepmom, and ALWAYS communicate that you are doing what is in the best interest of your children (try not to let any anger come through).
As for her listing the kids are hers, I would not expect anything less. A parent who remarries someone who doesn't step up as a parent shouldn't be married. My husband has always claimed my son as "our" son.
K.:
I just wanted you to know how much I feel for you. We have kids at my boys' school that have parents in this exact situation. As the library coordinator, I have watch the step mom put the first grader on her lap. I can't help but to be angry for the biological mother. She had to go back to work after their divorce but the 'new' wife can stay home and play mommy.
Thank goodness your kids are older. This makes it easier for your children to express what they want and how they feel.
Good luck!
Yes I do think she is completely stepping over the line and behaving inappropriately.
As far as handling it with your children, I wouldn't vent to them at all, find a support group or friends to talk to when they aren't around. If they ask questions it is fine to tell them facts but try and keep judgments and feelings out of it as much as you can...
I think you are right on posting about what you are going through online and through these mom networks to get support, and you sound extremely level headed.
I'm answering this as an adult child of a couple who spent 8 years finalizing their divorce while living with my mom who cried so much all I wanted was to get away. Of course as an adult now I understand, but as a kid I was just sick of her whining and crying.
I am so sorry you are going through this. Like many on this post things brings back horrible memories for me for my children and I hope this ends soon for you... It is better if they have kids of their own.. they will eventually leave yours alone.. Thats what finally happened for me.
I know this is a while after you posted origionally. However, as far as back child support goes....I still collect child support for my grown adult 3 sons. My exhusband and I were on amicable terms until the youngest became an adult and his arrears child support obligation did not go away. Now we are not speaking.
ugh... I get frustrated just hearing stories like this. karma will get this women. Good luck.
