Exasperated

Hold the phone....You are equals. Equal partners.

You seem to be taking his concern about finances personally, so let's reverse roles.

He has the baby factory, and wants to be a SAHD. You work and pay all the bills, but this is the exception as you have been (and are now, unemployment counts) a two income family. He says "honey, I want another kid, with more expenses and I'd also like to stay home - or something, until i find myself. Sound good?"

You are not a child. It is time for you to step up and start considering the small business that you run (family finances). Your business has costs, and needs income to meet those costs.

You proposed increasing your costs. You also proposed decreasing your income.

I'd take a second before you send that email.

I understand wanting a new baby, and I think that's wonderful and very workable. But you're throwing a temper tantrum b/c he pointed out that it would be wiser to do some financial/income planning before taking on a new expense?

I'd give this whole thing some more thought....

First don't do an email, nothing good ever comes from that.

All I see coming from your husband is you guys can't afford another child. It sounds like you can't afford anything once your unemployment runs out. Look at it from his point of view, you have been home on unemployment acting like you are a stay at home mom. You have probably passed opportunities because you like it as it is. Don't blame you mind you but the whole time your husband has been dwelling on what happens when it runs out.

And you want another child.

He doesn't want you to earn another child, he just wants you to explain how you can afford another child cause clearly he isn't seeing it.

I just want to throw out an armchair psychologist here, it sounds like you have been dabbling at looking at the job market, it is scary, rather than be forced to find a job you would rather have a child so you don't have to try to find a job because child care would make it impossible.

I had a feeling #1 was about 2 years old. And you'll probably bite my head off for this, but...

Hormones create baby ravings every 18mo-2.5 years depending on your system. They last for 3-6 mo (also depending on your system).

Am I saying you don't really want a CHILD right now (baby cravings are baby specific, babybabybaby whittle toes, and fingers, and smell, and rocking, and snuggles, and babybabybaby noooooooooooooow!!!!!! Now now now now now!!)?

Nope! But it DOES sound like your hormones have taken over your good sense.

Hub was a jerk in what he said BUT you also said you can't survive on one income. You have 1 income. Pregnancy expense, plus doubled daycare, plus not being able to find work while pregnant or immediately after doesn't make SENSE right now. You wouldn't be able to take care of the family you have, but want to add to it? That just shouts babycravings.

Wait a year. Get your family on solid ground. That's not 'earning' a baby. It's just being a grownup. And a responsible parent.

So, let me see if I understand this, you got laid off, have been at home living on unemployment which will be running out and now you want another child? I don't think your timing is all that great here.

You need to have a plan before unemployment runs out. What happens when it does run out and you have no job? Then what? You need to get your work situation in order before having another child. I think your husband is concerned about finances and sees that you aren't really too worried about it. You have enjoyed staying home with your child and now you want another one. While you say you are not a one-income family, you have been able to do that in large due to unemployment.

If I was in your situation, I would find a job before having another child before my benefits expire.

I'm confused - what is your plan? A second child but how are you going to pay for your existing family?... I'm not sure why you're disappointed in him. To be honest, maybe he should be disappointed in you? You've been out of work for almost a year but haven't come up with anything else to do despite knowing you need a 2nd income and all you're presenting is to add to expenses... Maybe I'm missing something and if so, sorry. But as I'm reading things, I can see why your husband doesn't want to go forward with #2. He's probably worried about supporting #1 and you... If you can find a way to stay home with 2 and make it work, then sure. But until you present that plan to him, I don't see why he'd change his mind and I think he's just being realistic.

Being a grown up means putting reality ahead of wants. You have been home for a year and are not back to work. THAT is your cold reality hitting you upside the head. It sounds like you're a few unemployment checks away from having things be very tight financially, yet you want to add pregnancy and a new baby into that mix? What?

Turning job loss into a year off while earning a "certificate in management" (what is that and what has it done for your job prospects? sounds worthless - managers get hired with experience, not with a piece of paper that says they learned how to become "managers") and "saving" money by what you have decided to NOT do isn't really the same as working your tail off to get a job. I would be FURIOUS if my husband took that long to get a job, and he gets laid off every few years.

I'm 100% with your husband on this - until you come up with a realistic financial plan and get a job, another baby right now would be far too stressful.

Hmmmm, interesting. So since you feel another child is the right thing for your family at this time, and he is not so sure, I guess birth control is ENTIRELY up to him now, right?

(Of COURSE this needs to be talked to death, he needs to be allowed to voice his fears and concerns, you need to feel safe to express your wants and desires, not in an email either.)

Still, just wanted to offer a different (and likely unpopular) angle to this subject.

I have THREE children their father 'wasn't so sure about'. And yet he is greatful everyday for them and cannot imagine life without them. And if I had l 'waited' because he was not 'ready' I would STILL be waiting and childless. I did NOT 'trick' him exactly. But I WAS very clear that I was no longer using birth control. You want birth control? YOU use it. He did not. And THANK GOD for it!

:(

I worked for a company that went out of business and received unemployment.

I was able to save most of it.. That is when I realized we could live on one income if we had to. SO that is when I decided we could afford a child.

So we began trying.. Then I was offered my dream job!!! Went to work and a few months later realized I was 4 moths pregnant! Woosh.. everything happened at once.

Have you saved all of that unemployment? Did you save any of it? Can you survive on just your husbands salary with 2 children? How does that budget look on paper, based on this time you have not bewen working and without the unemplayment..

That is your answer.

I would have loved more children.. but we could afford the one because I worked and saved until she was 5. Once she started kindergarten I quit full time work so I could pick her up each day from school and be active in her schools.

We do not take vacations, we drove old cars or used cars. Our house needs major repairs and we have put them off.. These were things we talked about and were BOTH willing to do.

Sure you can "get" pregnant and your husband will love your children, but what a terrible way to have children.

My husbands best friend told us they had agreed to 2 children.. It was what they could afford with, her staying home, savings, the lifestyle they wanted to have..

Then his wife "got pregnant" (she told friends she quit the pills without her husband knowing) When the child was 2 they divorced.. He told us he loved all 3 of their children, but he just could never trust her again. He felt betrayed and used.

Make a real plan and present it. Then discuss it. You can do it!

Interesting. We often tell people they are irresponsible if they get a pet when either their spouse doesn't want it or they can't afford to take care of it or if they don't have the time to devote to it (or provide for that).

It's funny that your husbands take on the financial side is "Maybe he really doesn't want another child" But if this were a pet should the take be he's being financially responsible? I know the opinions aren't coming from the same people but juxtaposed against a recent "should I get a pet when my husband said no" question, it's very interesting. "Don't go out and get a dog, both parties should agree ".....to" I didn't exactly trick him but"...... etc....

A baby or the thought of a baby has instinctual and emotional ties and often it seems cold and disconnected to discuss the financial aspect but it must be taken into consideration for the wellbeing of the baby and your family! What if you have another baby, sounds like things will be and are financially tight as it is. What if that child has a rough delivery, medical issues or is special needs? What then? Will that put you over the top and out of your home? Ugh! A lot to consider and plan for. All the best and YOU ARE responsible, and a good Mom. Sounds like you are in frustrating point of you life right now. Maybe try not to think of it as "earning" a second child but planning for the security of your whole families future. All the best.

Is this just a round about, indirect, I don't want to have to come out and say this...way of saying he does not want another child? I don't know, to me he sounds like he's deflecting, and distracting. Have you just come out and asked him, if he doesn't want another child? Asked him to be completely honest? Knowing that you want a child and he doesn't, he could be fearful of your reaction, and the implications. Call me crazy, but I think he's trying to tell you something.

OR...(more likely scenario) he's just being SMART. You want to add a baby, and lose income? You want to add an expense, without any kind of plan to financially compensate for that expense? Meanwhile, the burden of financing your life falls on him? Think about this logically. He is. You are emotional, he is rational. You are kind of throwing a fit, about his very realistic thinking. You don't have to "earn" a child, but you had better know how the heck to pay for it.

And, no don't email. FIND the time to talk to your husband. You may be mad, but this discussion deserves respect. If you can't find time to speak with your husband, how can you find time to parent a second child with him?

I remember reading your earlier posts.

I hope you don't mind me taking a middle of the fence opinion on this, ES. To be honest, I think you are both right and both wrong. I have thought all along that, in your head, you know you need to work. But in your heart, you want to be a stay at home mom. You see it as saving on paying for daycare. He sees it as you not pushing for a job and not making any more over and beyond what you would pay for babysitting.

And I think he is right.

Being complacent or not being complacent is subjective. Until you all of a sudden can't pay the bills, you are not going to really beat that pavement for all it's worth. He sees that possibility coming up better than you do. In fact, it's looming for him. You protest, telling him you're looking, and all he can see is that you want another baby and he knows that the bills can't be paid way before that baby even shows up.

He was not wrong to say he wanted another child a year ago. I'm sure he never thought that you'd be unemployed this long.

Where I think he is wrong is telling you which thing he wants you to do. That's not up to him. However, you need several plans, and that takes research, talking to your friends, networking and making looking for a job, BE a job.

Forget sending him an email. He is your husband, not your father, and not your boss. Instead of telling him you are disappointed, tell yourself what you want to happen and how you are going to go about doing it. Just saying that you have little chance of landing a professional job is limiting yourself. You consider it to be an honest assessment, but it is a lack of faith that has held you back from trying harder.

You may not be going into an ideal line of work, but where doors shut, others open. Get out there and find an open door. Not for your husband, but for you as a family unit that needs two incomes. That's not earning a second kid. That's being a mature adult and realizing that if you can't pay the upcoming bills on one salary alone when you have one child, that you certainly can't do it with two children.

Good luck,
Dawn

I WAS in your situation. My husband's employment situation was precarious at best, and he went through stretches of unemployment. My son had some mild special needs, and our original plans (involving an affordable preschool, etc.) wound up being a disaster. It was like fate took a look at the family budget I'd put together and laughed its head off.

So, we made the hard decision to have our son be a one and only. It's a decision that still makes me sad, but it's a sense of sadness, not regret. I actually feel good about having made a hard, grownup judgment call -- it's given me more confidence as a parent going forward.

You sound like you may be in a similar situation. You want a second, but finances are tight as it is. If so, I just want to say, this doesn't sound like a conflict between you and your husband -- it sounds like he's giving you a much-needed reality check. If I were in your shoes, honestly, I wouldn't try for another baby until my family was in better financial shape. And if you never do, I can say from experience, there are a lot of benefits to being one and done.

I would not send an email. I would also consider finding a job or starting your business. I know Hackettstown well and it is not the boonies. I think you may do very well there and in the surrounding areas.

My sister wanted another child so badly (they now have three) and they have been in the biggest financial hole. They are having major marriage problems because of it so I understand why your hubby wants you to think it through. It’s not like you can change it after the fact.

If you need two incomes to support your existing family then I would wait for another child. I don't think he is saying you need to "earn" another child.

I found out along time ago that if you waited to have a child or children until you could afford them, you would never have any kids.

I see where you said you already live frugally. You said your industry is being phased out. Well, you recognize that you have to change. So get to changing. You don't have to find a job you love. You just have to find a job you can do. Become more frugal and save some money. Put the money in a stock account in stocks that pay nice dividends. (I get a 15% dividend on AGNC.)

Pay off cedit cards and other loans. Start with the one with the smallest balance with the highest interest rate. When your vehicles are paid for, put their payment in a savings account for at least three years before you even think about buying another car. You get the loans paid off, you may have enough income to not even have to work.

When you do those things, you can have better feelings about yourself and your future child.

Good luck to you and yours.

I don't know how much you have to 'make' financially but I would think you could do home child care or something that would bring in money and stay at home and save child care for the #1 child still. I know you need to be wise and plan for things, children too, but on the other hand I don't think children cost that much if you get used clothes, eat wisely, etc., etc. You could find something maybe a couple of days a week or something that leaves you home more. Just my thoughts as I can't imagine not having our children and I stayed home and we survived. If you always plan it all out sometimes it never will happen, if going by the money only. If your husband really doesn't want another child that is another issue.

It sounds like you both agree you cannot support the one child you have on a single income. Which looks like what you plan to have for the foreseeable future. What would I do in your situation? I would have been looking for work every day since I lost my job. And I would NOT be considering another child. I would be worrying about how much I was saving for my existing child's education and my retirement.

I am wondering if he doesn't really want another child.
Have you asked him, honestly, if he really wants another?
I know that may be a hard answer to hear.
Just something (important) to consider. I would imagine if you are getting up there in the years and he really does want another child he would be feeling a little more willing to take the leap. Besides, as long as you have health insurance babies don't really cost much until they get closer to school age anyway. And that gives you more than enough time to get back to work.
This is why I'm thinking he might just not want another one :(

i think you and hubby need to sit and have a very in depth discussion about all the issues at hand. i would suggest creating an agenda (outline) for the discussion to keep it on-subject as much as possible. if you break out each of these issues into seperate discussion objectives, you may find that you both walk away with better clarity on the situation as a whole. finances should be discussed first. where do you stand now, where will you stand when your UE runs out. job market should be a point of discussion - what are prospects, your best bets, etc. finally, desire of both people for a 2nd baby. by the time this comes up, you should both have a reasonable understanding on IF you can even afford baby #2.

it sounds like affordability might be a gray area - if you go back to work child care may eat up a good chunk of your income. if you don't go back to work and the UE runs out, childcare won't be an issue but there might not be enough money to cover the bills. this is why i think you need to have a very good discussion about the finances before the baby topic comes up. perhaps, during the initial discussion, you could explore ideas such as PT work that won't conflict with his work schedule. also, it might be worth the effort to look at how your tax situation might change with a 2nd child. you will likely have less taxes to pay, bolstering your bottom line. EIC may also come into play.

bottom line - i think you need to fix/come to an understanding before any more action is taken regarding baby #2. prepare yourself beforehand that you may not walk away with the answer you want. the stress of another mouth to feed before things are resolved may prove too much for your family. and then you'll have a whole other even-more-stressful situation to navigate through.

good luck!

I am with Theresa :) N - and the older I get, the wiser I think that is. Birth control/pregnancy is one place in our culture where women are technically in the power seat. And yet, we don't claim that power.

You do not need to be deceitful, you do not need to disregard him, but that doesn't mean that you need to forego what is in your hands either. You could tell him, "I will do x, y, and z to manage our financial situation; I am also going to stop using birth control, because we can't put off child 2 forever."

We cannot "afford" child 3, who I discovered I was pregnant with soon after we brought child 2 home. Child 2 was adopted. I was about a month along with child 3 and had NO idea - we were NOT trying, but we weren't doing anything in the way of HORMONAL prevention either. My husband has issues with intimacy (he's working on it) and my marriage comes with the automatic BC of near-celibacy (like...once/2 years, so why take BC?).

I was 45 with a healthy surprise pregnancy that the ODDS of having having happened were beyond low. No way was I *not* going through with it - whether we had "enough" $ or not. We manage.

Just a thought....

ETA: As the primary financial provider for my family, I an say your husband has a LOT on his shoulders and it is TERRIFYING with 3 children. You DO need to do something to make this less weighty for him. I don't know what, but something...

Looks like 2 dilemas in your life...Finding work and having a second little one.
1. Finding work: Times have definately changed. I remember growing up and not really thinking about parents with lots of kids and a SAHM. It seemed like everyone's mom stayed home and made cookies. (Yes, Ossie and Harriet like and my mom did own a "house coat" and a "Mumu.") I can totally understand the taste for the double income, since I'm a WM. It sure does spoil you. The thing is back then, no one would ever think about calling their wife "complacent." It was always assumed that the man is to take care of his wife and family. Things have changed in requards to the standard of living and the cost of living. What I'm trying to say is that as far as being a WM or a SAHM, it's a choice. If you want to be a SAHM, then you don't have to worry about a daycare, but you do have to make changes in your standard of living like getting a landline phone instead of a cell phone...opting to get rid of an SUV and go with a compact car...etc. If you want to go back to work, you have to take risks and figure out what you really want to do. I can understand the feeling on going back for a degree/training. I feel the same way. If I go back for a higher degree, I may not be able to get a job in that field anyway so it's a waste of money. The thing is, it's a risk that you have to be willing to take unlike me. I'm not a risk taker, so I'm stuck in a lower paying less professional job. It's all about choice and finding yourself. Maybe you really are happy being a SAHM and that's ok.
2. Second little one...Why not? You worry about getting older, which really isn't much of a worry anymore like years ago. I had my son when I was 35. My mom had me when she was 40 and my sister had her daughter when she was 40. There's really no age limit anymore. "Where there's a will, there's a way." If you really can't, you can always adopt. As for finances, yep kids are expensive; but as parents...we make sacrifices like doing without our own birthday presents so our children can have one..doing without eating at restaurants, doing without etc.

I would not be comfortable having a child without being able to provide for it. I would work my butt off to be able to afford the second one asap, but I am not comfortable taking the "it will all work out" approach, because honestly, it doesn't always work out (you can be prepared and STILL have bad things happen to your family that will later put you in a bad situation, but IMO that's not the same as choosing to have another child when you cannot afford one and have no plans or expectation that you'll be able to provide for one in the future). Your chances of having a child won't decrease that much in 1 year, but your situation could change. But for me, if there were NO middle ground between having a child NOW (there is always some middle ground), with only one income and no ability to provide for that child, and no good prospects for changing that, and deciding to only have 1 child instead, I would be thankful for the child I have and not try to have more, at least not now.

Now, I would consider every opportunity for getting work. I would move to another part of the country if that would help. Could you start an in-home daycare, or some other job outside of your industry? You have said that you don't have time to wait, so I would think hard, research a lot, and try to make these decisions asap. I would continue to apply for any real opportunities in your field, but since you yourself said that your field is being phased out, it sounds like continuing to focus on job hunting there is wasting your time, and you're likely to find yourself in the same situation (but maybe without unemployment) next year, unless you make a change.

Only you two can decide what is best for your family. I would really try to talk with your husband. He wants your family's best as well. Tell him how you feel, but also try to recognize the value in his perspective, and work together to create a plan for increasing your income moving forward.