My ex husband and I are in serious legal contention over support issues. I have a 9 year old son who is not his. My ex has been trying to buddy with him for quite a while. Over the years, he has bought him many expensive gifts that I have asked him not to purchase -- especially computer gaming systems that I truly did not want my son playing with since he has a learning disorder. This Christmas, I again asked that he not buy any gifts for my son and have specifically asked him to stay away from my son. My son's dad was given a job by my ex, plus he is a total wuss (he doesn't live with me and has our son with him only on weekends and lets the kid be on the computer the ENTIRE time). My older children also knew that I didn't want their dad to get my younger son any gifts. Long story short (after all that!), when my son and his dad went back to his dad's house after opening gifts here, my ex and older children went over to my son's dad's apartment and gave him a.....Wii!! I feel like everyone has gone behind my back, gone against my wishes, and that my ex has done all of this to truly get to me, which he OBVIOUSLY has! He has made my life a living nightmare since serving me with legal papers last June and I am a wreck. Any advice? Please be kind, or don't respond at all. Thanks.
First of all, I want to tell you ALL how incredibly grateful I am for all of your advice and comments. This was my first time on mamapedia and I never, ever thought anyone would even read what I wrote; I thought I was writing into thin air! I am amazed that you were even able to follow the story! Wow! You guys are smart! Complicated, though, isn't it?!! My 9 year old's father had been unemployed for close to two years when my ex lined him up with an interview at the company that works for his company! So, my son's dad is forever indebted to him, and his "There was nothing I could do about it..." answer is the truth, I guess, but still.
It is too late for me to pretend that I didn't get angry, so the ex wins on that. I'm just going to have to pull myself out of this funk and face 2011 with a better outlook on life. Also, I'm hoping my Happy Lite is going to do some good pretty soon, because this weather isn't helping me much.
But really, thank you so very much for taking the time to read what I wrote and taking the time to respond so thoughtfully. I'm really, really amazed and grateful.
I'm really sorry this is happening. I feel for you, but I honestly have no advice, I haven't been in this situation. Wow.
If it makes you feel better, I remember my brother and his friends being upset when parents told them to get off the video games and go outside, but when he was older, even before having a kid, he realizes they were right and appreciates the effort to add other activities to his life.
Just making sure I understand:
Your exes are both friends with each other, work together, and they have kids "together" (meaning that their kids are siblings, even though they're not together/together).
Honey... You're screwed.
At this point you're fighting a rear-guard action. Pick your battles very VERY carefully. As in, pick ones that you can win, and pick ones that you are *unwilling* to lose at any cost.
While I'm with you on inappropriate gifts, I can see why "no gift for 1 child" would be completely ignored. If he's giving gifts to all the other children, if he doesn't want to actively HURT the one child that isn't his, as well as make his own children sad/upset with him that their brother didn't get anything... he needs to pony up for that child as well.
How I would suggest changing this into a battle you CAN win:
- Toys given by each parent need to stay at that parent's house. Since he's not the parent of one of the children, toys given by him need to stay at dad's house if they're not approved by mom, or at his house.
OR
- Take unapproved toys home, so that you can set the limits on it that you see fit.
I think your best bet is to not let it get to you. I know, easier said than done. But you can pretend it doesn't bother you. In fact, pretend it's wonderful! Take cues from your son's joy at receiving the gifts and let it go. You could say, "yay! I've always wanted a Wii, (insert son's name) and I will have a blast playing together!" Maybe once your ex realizes he's not getting to you this way, he'll stop. You've already figured out getting mad isn't doing anyone any good and isn't changing anything.
How. Incredibly. Odd.
Really weird.
Cannot think of a reason he would do this except:
1. He genuinely cares for your son and can afford to do it.
2. He thins/knows you cannot afford it and does it to make you look small.
3. He is in some way trying to put it in the face of your son's father that he can spend as he likes and it reinforces his power position as an employer.
I like Lucia's advice of totally ignoring him, embracing the gift and don't give him the satisfaction of knowing it bugs you.
What if his gift giving intentions toward your son are really not that shady? What if, notwithstanding whatever conflict and controversy that surround your break up with this guy, he truly does like your son and feels some compassion? What if, buying a game Wii gaming system for him is the same to him as us out going out and buying a Barbie because of the financial resources available to him (it's all relative to the pocketbook after all)?
If you have reflected on this and truly do not feel that's the case, then you can do one of two things: (a) return the gift upopened with a thank you but we can't accept such a generous gift, or (b) accept the gift graciously and save it until your son is old enough to play with it.
I know that you have told us some about this guy but I really don't have the whole backstory about what is going on with you and what is going on with your ex to be able to form any opinions one way or another. I do have to wonder though if, since you are recently separated from this guy and it wasn't too long ago when he was your son's stepfather (just 6 months ago), maybe he does care about your son and his gift really isn't that complicated after all.
It's hard to give advise when you have such limited information but I just wanted to throw this different perspective into the ring just in case it may help.
Wishing you a speedy resolution to all of your conflict.
Accept his gifts, don't tell him it bothers you anymore, and sell them on ebay and make some money!!! Use the money to buy your son stuff you really want him to have (hopefully your son won't be too upset about it)!
I would teach your son... about people and their intentions... good or bad or hidden... is not always what it seems.
Teach him how to discern.... about people... and their "character."
This will give him life long lessons in social situations... and how to judge people.... best.
He is 9... and old enough to learn that.
My daughter is 8... and I have already taught her those things... since when she was younger.
She is now very adept, and discerning kids/adults.... and their intentions.... toward her. If they are genuine or phony....
all the best,
Susan
JjF, As the mother of a disabled child and having seen this within our family I just wanted to answer you from that vein. I just wanted to say that it seems that the fact that your x is willing to be thoughtful to your elder child is a thing most women I know would be grateful for. If you can create a enviroment that is controlled at your home that is well, but you have to understand that you do not have the control over another's home. I also have a son with a learning disorder (ADD and Asperger's Syndrome)and it is interesting that we were told to get a WII and to before that Computer games and xbox as it helps with hand eye cordination and helps move as fast as thier brains are going. The WII has been great for exercise programs and thinking patterns. So they have thier good side as well.
Since you are in great pain and hurting along with all the changes in your life please let yourself have a great cry about all the changes you are having to go through. Take Care of You
OH I would be mad. So frustrating. And you can't take it away or you are the bad guy. Especially in a legal or custody battle. !@#$%. So, Here's what I would do: I assume the gaming console will be at your house? Choose you games. If he, or they, get a game you dont approve of, toss it (or it gets mysteriously scratched). Get enriching games and show them that you can rise above the childishness of it all. Be the bigger man.
On another note, I have a Wii that my parents got for us last Christmas. We Love the family games like Wii fit plus, Wii Resort, Wii Sports, and we play them together all the time. Even the 6 year old has high score on some things. The 2 year old thinks he's playing. It has been great family fun AND me and hubby have lost a lot of weight doing it (he lost 63 pounds this last year). Try to see the possible possitives and turn this around since getting rid of the game is not a real option.
i totally understand your frustration! if i were you i'd sell/return the things i don't want my son to have and buy him something else with the money. once the ex-hubby knows you're gonna do that, maybe he will get the message. good luck mama!
