Should I contnue to do what I believe is right? I have physical custody of my 13 and 15 yr. old sons. The deal was for the boys to get good grades, while living with me. Well, unfortunately, they did not get the grades expected. My 13 yr. old volunteerly went to live with my ex-husband. Now that it is time for my 15 yr. old to go live with the dad, he doesn't want to go. We tried the transition last week. They got into a physical altercation. I am not willing to put my son in that environment, nor put him through the mental stress. My ex said that he would go back to court to prove that I am not in control of my son, because of his lack of performance in school. My son is rebelling and is quite capable of getting good grades. I work far and get home late.
I would like to thank everyone for their responses. My ex and I have joint custody but I have the physical custody. Their was a contingient that there would be no further court matters, if the children proved that they would keep their grades above the "C" average. My ex and I have been looking into a military school or accelerated gifted programs for our 15 yr. old. He is intelligent enough to pass any board tests they give him. Last semester was a diaster that brought us to where we are today. New girlfriend, different friends, hormones...we are not giving up on him. Yes, there is a lot of bad history with our divorce and child custody court appearances.
No doubt you a very loving and caring mom; and your ex is an idiot for threatening you with court. However, just from reading your message this is what I hear you saying to your boys: "If you don't live up to my expectations I will send you away." Do you function well under threats? I believe children thrive under praise. Find something you can praise them for, little or big. Good Luck!
I'm almost positive your son would be allowed to stay with you, even if your son goes back to court. At 15, he is old enough to decide who he wants to live with. A judge will take his opinion into consideration, especially since he and his father are physically fighting. The grades are a hard one, maybe have your oldest son talk to him or tell him one of the only choices he will have when he graduates, if he even does, is to go into the military. Everything he does from his sophomore/junior year on, will set the path for the rest of his life, as far as college and careers go. He needs a positive male role model, be it an uncle, grandfather, friend, brother, etc. Talk to his counselors at school and see what they can do to help him succeed.
D.,
My advice to you, continue to do what you feel is right for your boys, never second guess yourself, that is something I do daily as a single mother of a nine year old boy, who at this age does not want to be with me anymore, because I am no longer fun, I assume. Fight for what you feel and know in your heart to be right. As far as you and your boys, I will keep you in my prayers
You sound like an amazing woman...who I am certain, if and when the time comes to go to court with your ex-husband, can make a strong stand for you, your son, and what you believe is the right thing to do. The fact that your son and his dad got into a physical altercation should work very strongly in your defense, no matter how much he argues that you are not in control, the basis of your argument is that physical force is not the answer to the control issue. I'm sure judges have seen this nonsense a million times before (how many 15 year olds aren't rebellious?), and you know very well that your husband will be there pretty much just wasting the courts time. Besides, the judge may not only take what you and your ex-husband have to say on the subject, but may listen to the needs of your 15 year old too if he has the chance to speak on his own behalf...let us all know what happens, and best wishes to all of you....
Yes, continue to do what you believe is right! Trust your gut instinct! And it says alot that your son does NOT want to live with your ex.
Ditto with what "Julia" said. Counseling for the boys are necessary. You do not want them to get any more damaged by the divorce aftermath, than it already is. AND you certainly don't want them to develop MORE behavioral problems now or in the future. They are kids. Kids need help in all this, Not just emotional problems from parents and our world. Kids cannot be expected to cope on their own. It seems they need extra help in all this. You love your boys and it's obvious you are doing the best you can. Document everything your Hubby does and says, and in relation to your boys too. It's "proof" for you to use for your case and for your boys. A parent should not be getting into a physical altercation with a child. Your Hubby does not seem appropriate. Get help for your boys and yourself. It's harming them..... do anything in your power to help your boys and yourself. Advocate for your children. Teens is a difficult time... much less with these problems your boys have to deal with...it's a lot on their plate and on their shoulders. Good luck and take care... you should like a good mom doing the best she can. Keep on.
~Susan
www.cafepress.com/littlegoogoo
If your ex is getting physical with your son, he should not be threatening you to go to court. I would think that your 15 year old would be able to let the court know about the altercation and that he does not want to live with his dad. Good luck.
Warning: I'm sympathizing with your situation, and especially with your sons. The words that came to me may be a little blunt, but I mean only the best for you.
To me, the answer is really simple: You TWO, as parents, need to get your boys into therapy to deal with their emotional issues. Grades are symptoms, not problems. Sometimes the opposite happens: Children will get perfect grades when they are emotionally unhealthy. A "deal" where you have to keep the boys' grades up is totally unreasonable. I can't ever imagine a judge's order being so ignorant and superficial. If the ex made this provision as a condition for his own agreement, I wish he would wake up and read some books, at the very least. But I wouldn't expect much more of a man who's willing to get into a "physical altercation" with a child. If I had to guess, it's the discord between their parents that is causing the majority of the stress on the boys. And their father seems to act like a child and carry anger that he apparently expresses through them. That's too much burden for any child to carry.
edit: Also, after rereading your post, I too read that your "condition" for the boys to live with you is for them to get good grades. Could it be, also, that they are testing the conditions of your love? "Good grades" is usually for the parents, for their own "proof" that everything's o.k. It's no benchmark for emotional/physical health - which should be the top priority. It sounds like neither parent wants to own these boys' problems; they get passed off when they're "naughty." A child will provoke us to show them the TRUTH, whether it hurts or not. This living arrangement could be interpreted in a child's mind: "Pretend that everything is o.k., or I'll abandon you." I would really reevaluate how important grades and "control" are, in the scheme of things. "Controlling (instead of helping)" kids is a recipe for rebellion and their own self-defeat. No judgment from me; it's always easier to see when you're on the outside looking in.
Great links:
http://www.awareparenting.com/drugfreekids.htm
http://www.amazon.com/Parent-Effectiveness-Training-Respo...
I speak only from my limited knowledge of the law here but...I don't think any judge in his right mind would send your son to his dad because he is getting bad grades, especially in the face of the fact that he and his dad are having what you call "physical altercations" Do what you think is best, and DOCUMENT everything! Make sure you write down what happened and when in terms of physical violence etc. In addition, the law in California provides for kids over a certain age to have a say in where they live. I believe it is over age 12 or 13 so if your sons choose to live with you that would be a major factor in a judges decision as well. Your ex sounds like a special kind of pain in the tail...they usually are - ha, ha! Good luck!
