I've posted a couple of questions about my mother in law and the issues I was having with my husband not standing up for me and our daughter. . I've been so mad at him the last couple of days and really not the nicest person to be around. Im having conflicting thoughts about whether I want to leave or not. He said to me earlier "you don't like the person I am, there's nothing I can do about that." He's right. I don't like certain parts of who he is.
He never stands up for himself. He's very quiet with how he feels and hides his emotions well. I express my feelings and when I'm angry you would know, when I love you and I'm happy I show it. The way he acts is foreign to me. My personality is I feel a need to protect somebody I care about. He's the opposite. I chose to marry him while thinking I could change him. Big mistake, I know.
So a part of me wants to apologize to him and work it out. Another part of me feels like I'm settling because I know this man would never stick up for me. One time in a drunken rage his brother was in my face saying very rude things and not once did my husband get in the middle. Yes I still married him, knowing how his family is. His excuse was we had just started dating and that's his brother. The reason I bring that example up is that I'm confident in saying that if I was in harms way one day with somebody bigger than me, a man let's say, I'm pretty confident in saying that my husband would not do anything. If his mom yet again says shes not high and she comes around our daughter and you can clearly see she is as high as kite, I'm confident in saying that he will say nothing.
So what do you do when you don't like something about your husband.. Give up.. Or work through it and treat it the same level as your husband chews with his mouth open but you can work through it...
Do you settle knowing he will never change the one thing you hate about him so much? I don't know why but I feel like I should apologize to him and try and work it out when another part of me thinks he doesn't care about me if he could let these things happen with my mil. And that's how I feel. When he doesn't stand up for his new family we created together I feel like he doesn't care.
Two things:
1. "I chose to marry him while thinking I could change him. Big mistake, I know. " Ding, ding, ding! We have a winnah! You can't change him...but HE can change himself if he knows what needs changing.
2. Buy him the book "Wild at Heart," by John Eldredge. Beg him to read it. I think it will help you both. Read it when he's done.
I'll just copy & paste my answer from last time.
Here's the issue.
There's a 10,000 pound gorilla in the room that no O. is talking about: her addiction.
Until you and your husband educate yourselves about dealing with an addict, your lives will be a series of knee jerk reactions to an addict.
You're not thinking this through.
Go to Alanon.
You've made choices thinking you could change him, change his family, improve the situation. But I have to ask: how have you changed? You cannot change any of the other people involved in this situation. The only person you can change is you. When someone is reserved and quiet with his feelings, having a partner who colorfully display emotion will make him retreat into himself even more. I'm sure the way you act is foreign to him, too. Ask yourself why you need what you think you need from him. I realize but for your marriage you wouldn't be involved with your MIL, but how would you deal with her if he was not there? Since you know he's not going to be vocal on your behalf, how can you change your own reactions to fix the situation? It's only settling if that's how you frame it.
My husband and I started dating 25 years ago, and we've been married almost 14 years. We've had a number of major problems to overcome, things that absolutely angered me about his personality. And yet, I chose him for the things I love about him. I have learned to adapt myself to him, and I know he's changed to fit me, too. It's not perfect, but I never feel like I'm settling just because he doesn't always live up to my "standards." 'Cause I KNOW I don't always live up to his. I know I've disappointed his expectations in some ways, and I sure hope he doesn't feel like he's settling.
I don't hear you, in any of these posts, talking about your role in these conflicts. Do you feel that you've done everything you can do to make the situation better?
If you're truly unhappy and you cannot or will not change yourself to fix the situation, then leave. But don't stay with the expectation that he still might change. It's not fair to either of you.
Good luck!
Have you guys tried marital counseling?
To me it sounds like he went from one strong woman (his mom)albeit with issues, to another (you) and now he's torn between the two.
This is a tough dynamic which probably needs professional help if you want to save your marriage.
I divorced in a situation similar to yours and would be the first one to tell you that IT IS NOT AN EASY SOLUTION, especially when children are involved.
Get help as soon as possible. You could be making assumptions about him that are not correct.
I have a similar experience with my husband, though not to your extreme. I am very protective and warrior-like when it comes to other people (Maybe that's what drew me to him, he needed protecting somehow? Maybe that's what drew you to yours.), but I always wanted my husband to take over when I wanted/needed protection. For some reason, that same warrior spirit in me didn't always kick in when it was about me. Hmm, maybe there was a lesson there for me to learn. I am a firm believer that we marry whom we marry for reasons that aren't always clear when we jump the broom. We think that they are to provide what we lack, but they're really there to help empower us in our lacking areas. I think that we sometimes fail in marriage because we think that two halves make a whole and getting married somehow guarantees that we never have to develop those "lacking" areas of our personalities...heal those old/long-standing wounds.
My advice would be for you to practice standing up for yourself and your family. I think that once you've built up that muscle (in yourself) and start feeling more confident and secure in taking that kind of action, you won't be looking for your husband to do it and you won't be as hurt when he doesn't. It's possible that once he doesn't feel the pressure of your wanting him to always prove his love by fighting for you, he'll show up.
My husband's mother was an active addict throughout his childhood. He developed a very passive-aggressive personality and it brought out violence in his first wife. I pay attention to timing and speak very openly with my husband. My nature allows me to be able to calmly explore why he is who he is and does what he does, though I have to be careful not to be his therapist. When you speak with your husband, are you accusatory or are you sincerely seeking to understand what motivates him? That might not change his behavior, but it would certainly change your perspective.
"You don't like the person I am. There's nothing I can do about that."
Really means - "I refuse to change. For you. Or our daughter."
I tolerate certain personality flaws. Small things. But putting his mother over his own daughter's safety...? Nope. Refusing to stand up for his wife at all? Definitely not.
He's not going to change. He's an enabler to his mother's bad behavior and addiction.
If you want change you need to leave.
And never feel guilty for wanting what's best for you and your daughter.
Marriage Counseling and individual therapy. You two were drawn together for a reason and I would be willing to bet that if BOTH of you are willing to work on it, you can do a lot to heal each other.
You did know who your husband (and apparently) who his family was before you married him. That doesn't mean that he likes the dynamic anymore than you do though. Maybe what he fell in love with about you is your stability and your ability to express yourself. What was it about him that you fell in love with?
Sometimes change is not a bad thing, but you have to work together if you want things to get better. I doubt that the issue is that he does't care about you and your daughter, I'd be willing to bet that he doesn't know how to stand up to his mom or anyone else, including you.
you're a grown woman. you recognize your mistake in thinking you could change a fundamental part of his personality (let alone his whole family!) so now it's up to you to figure out how to handle things yourself and stop expecting him to rescue you. you refer to yourself in terms of being protective and confident, and i'm sure this is true. so you don't need a white knight, right?
expecting him to protect your child is something else. the obvious thing to do is to stop taking your child anywhere near his mother, period. if he wavers on that, the law is on your side.
whether you can stay married to someone willing to jeopardize your child is another matter. having made this critical error, now you must bear in mind that if you divorce him, he'll have visitation and you will have zero say in what goes on between your child and him and his family.
but you seem to live with in an unrealistic world. first you expected him to be both strong, and soft enough to be molded by you. now you want a fundamental difference to be reduced to an annoying habit. or for this impossible situation you've created to conform to your ideal.
there are no perfect answers here. face what IS and figure out what compromises you are willing to make.
khairete
S.
I haven't read the other answers here, but you need to think about counseling. Don't think about it for a month. Twenty-four hours should be sufficient.
You can't change your husband or his family - if you didn't know that before, you know it now - but you can seek help to look at your own strong emotions and *use* them in the best way.
You're in the midst of some dysfunctional people, and one common effect of that is reacting somewhat dysfunctionally yourself. That isn't what you want to do, and where the impartial (and professional) guidance comes in.
A different question is whether it is SAFE for you and your daughter to be there. That's another one for impartial guidance, and actually *that's* what you need to check out right away. The biggest question isn't whether you ought to feel guilty or not. The biggest question is whether you're in danger.
P.S. I agree about the Al-Anon.
My thought is that he does care about you and your daughter, but that he just doesn't see any benefit of getting into it with them. I'm kind of like that. I don't care what others think or say; unless they are paying my way in this world I could care less. So most of the time I keep my mouth shut because it's just not worth it to me to cause myself any unnecessary stress or anxiety. Again, what do I care what they think/say? And this is true for family as well.
Now, if a stranger were getting in my hubby's face, man or woman, I would be right there with him doing whatever was necessary to assist my hubby. But not with family. Perhaps your hubby is the same way. I find it hard to believe that if a male stranger were in your face, he would just stand around and watch.
You knew this about your hubby before you married him so yes, I think you should apologize. Then YOU need to decide whether this is something you can deal with or not. No one can answer that but you.
Good luck in your decision-making process.
I guess you have to decide whether or not the things that you like about him out weigh the things that you don't like. Think about why you love him. If you truly do love him for most of who he is, then you have to learn to accept and look past the things about him that you don't like. If you can't do this then maybe it is not fair to him or you to continue on in this relationship.
There are a lot of things that I don't like about my husband, lots of things that irritate me about him. However, he is a good man and a good father and he treats me well, I have to remind myself of those things sometimes.
You will never find someone who is 100% what you want them to be. There will always be something about someone that you don't like. It is human nature.
It sounds to me like your husband is not a confrontational person - that is a part of his personality that you may not be able to change. You can change their bad habits but not their personality.
Love him or leave him.
