*****ETA... Struggling.

You pray on it...and wait. Honestly, even though that's all you have been hearing.

I won't go into the details of my life either, but when I met my husband 11 years ago my parents were less than thrilled. He is a lot older than me, another race, and I was pregnant when they met him. Whoops! Some more stuff hit the fan and they didn't talk. We spent our first married Thanksgiving apart because they couldn't be in the same room. My whole family wanted me to leave him before I married him and again after I married him.

My husband and I fought it out. He proved to my family that he is a good man and my family opened up and let him show them. It took years.

One thing I definitely felt like I let one of my closest family members down big time...though I don't believe everything this person said, still, they needed me for support and I chose to stay with/support my husband.

What I can tell you, is that after 9 years of marriage and a lot of working on everyone's parts...things are really good. No where near perfect, because then it wouldn't be any fun :).

I'll say a prayer for you and I honestly hope it all works out for you. But if it's anything like what I went through being put in between my husband and my family, I can tell you to hold on tight, don't talk to people who won't forget something even if you forgive, and pray.

Also...my husband always told me that my family I come from is most important and if it came down to it, I should go back to them and he would always still be there, just lay back to give them time. So it really helps when your significant other is supportive of YOU and what you need to do - regardless of the situation.

Oh no, LEAP, I hate it that you are struggling.

I wish I could come sit with you for awhile.

I'm sending you strength and clarity, but I already know you are a person of great substance and you will endure.

:)

Since it is evident that you are a God fearing woman, I would suggest you go to church. Praying is good. Trusting is essential.

But going to church literally takes you out of your struggles and places you in the direct path of God's peace and forgiveness. I have not struggles as you are describing (albeit vaguely)... but I know others who have. And they have told me many times that coming to church and sitting in the pews and receiving Christ is the shelter in the storm in a very literal way. Yes, you walk out the doors and are "back in it", but you get a reprieve for just a little while to recharge.

And while, again, I have not been in your situation, my daily stress and struggles are abated when I am there receiving God's gifts. In those moments, it is a chance to breathe. And it sounds like you could use that.

If you have not, I would recommend going to church at your next opportunity, to receive Word and Sacrament.

God Bless.

Hi L.!
Missed you around the place here!

"God didn't promise days without pain, laughter without sorrow, sun without rain, but He did promise strength for the day, comfort for the tears, and light for the way."

I don't know specifically what you're going through with hubby and parents. I do remember a house situation involving you all.
Not sure the particulars. Is it strictly a personality thing between him & them or are there finances attached? IME, the commingling if finances and family isn't usually a good thing.

Boundaries. Very important.
You may need to tell both parties that it's not cool for them to talk to you about the other. That's ok to do.

Hang in there!

Please seek out counseling. First and foremost look into couples counseling for you and your husband, because he and you both need to cope with whatever the situation is with your parents, his in-laws. If he refuses to do couples counseling to focus on this issue, that is a red flag that he refuses to take YOUR pain seriously, and that's not good, but I hope he will do it. Sometimes it takes a professional third party, an outsider who has seen other family situations like your own, to bring some clarity to things, and to suggest real-life solutions.

If you cannot get your husband to go to counseling with you, then go on your own.

Since you are religious, you could seek out a trained Christian "pastoral counselor." These are people who have training and education in both counseling and in spiritual crises; they will approach your situation both as counselors and as Christian advisers. I would advise that you seek out an accredited and trained pastoral counselor rather than approach your own regular minister or pastor, just because the counselors generally have much more experience with the objective counseling side of things and it can be healthier to get counseling from an objective third party who does not know you already. Pastors can also be great counselors, of course! But a pastor who knows both you and your husband might feel constrained about being frank with you both.

You say you need to do something about the situation but you may need to hear that there is nothing you can do. I fear you are feeling guilt over something that may not be your fault. Please get professional counseling. Getting counseling or therapy does NOT mean you (or your husband, if he goes) are "wrong" or "broken" or "flawed" somehow, or that you are a bad Christian because you could not find perfect solace in faith. God makes counselors and therapists, too. Use what God gives you, and I hope your husband will go with you too.

I would say this: give to God what you can, and then seek support from a good source. That could be a trusted confidante, a counselor, a strong member of your church's clergy... someone who has an open heart and who will just listen, then help you figure out how YOU want to move forward (not someone who will just tell you what you 'should' do, but someone who can let you figure out what you *want* to do).

(Given your SWH, maybe this would be a good time to find a counselor, if only for a short time.)

If you are feeling like you can't breathe, that sounds like anxiety to me. I've struggled with that, with feeling overwhelmed, in the past. (and still have the occasional day...) I did find that for me, both counseling and some sort of exercise really helped-- both to expel that energy and to get good feedback and guidance. I'd also suggest finding a 'grounding' exercise-- I do very occasionally have anxiety or panic attacks, and I have to really "logic" my way through them, talking to myself and being clear 'this is the anxiety-- I will breathe deeply, my body is fine, my mind is overwhelmed but I'm going to keep on breathing'... I try to focus on what is 'real' in that moment, sometimes verbalizing my feelings "I am upset because I cannot control what's happening with..." or "I am afraid because of XYZ but that's not likely to happen/there is nothing I can do to change (circumstance/person's action/opinions).... "

I may also excuse myself from my son for a few minutes, put some music on or the tv for him, and go have a good, hard cry. That works very well for me.

And I try to ask for patience and a willingness to accept what is happening and to be brave in facing that. And to be honest in my own limitations. Sometimes, we just cannot fix ALL of it and need help.

Hugs to you. Please, remember to physically take care of yourself, too, in all of this. I'm so sorry you are going through this rough time.

Read "Boundaries". It's a Christian book about figuring out what's your problem, what's "their" problem and how to let them handle their own problems without sacrificing your sanity.

I have not been through your particular problems but I have been out of control of a situation that impacted me emotionally and physically. I was so stressed, I started to have high blood pressure. It went on for about a yr and a half before I learned to take myself out of that situation and really give it to God. The situation still goes on, I pray for it, do what I can, although it's very little, and don't involve myself in the solution because I protect myself, emotionally, even physically. I don't take phone calls, emails, or texts from this person. There are people who don't understand the situation that judge it. Oh, well. God is the decerner of motives and intents of the heart. He knows this situation well. It's in good hands. If this person doesn't change, it's between them and God and my puny efforts are nothing compared to what Pressure God can bring.

ETA: sorry, read another's profile.

Hey L.-

I am sorry you are weathering a storm just now.

All I can do is the draw an analogy that I have found to be true for me when I have been struggling...

Sometimes, we see our lives like the back of a tapestry...knotted...cut off strands of thread...messy...not clear.

For me, and my struggles, time has often given me a glimpse of the total beauty of the 'other' side of the tapestry. I have seen, with time, that some of my darkest moments were in fact things of great beauty.

I do not know the real nature of your troubles...but often, time, distance and prayer really do help!!

best

Can you all see a "Mediator?"
Just Google search something like "Family Mediators" etc., for your area.
My friend, and per her family and her Husband, and the problems they have, they saw a Mediator. And it seemed to help. Because, it makes things "rational" and not "personal" because, the facilitator is a Mediator.

Struggling a bit myself right now and the best way to give things to God is when you find yourself powerless....which apparently you do. What can you do but pray and let go?? Place the relationship at God's feet and let go! It is out of your hands! Another thing you can do is what my son calls "riding the wave in the middle". Don't go left or right, make no major swings to either side just ride the wave and pray for their relationship. It really will work out. I think when we find ourselves out of options it puts everything in perspective about our smallness and His greatness. Hang on and ride the wave! Blessings to you all-it will change...hang in there!

L.:

You are NOT powerless!! God has your back!

What I'd like you to do is take a deep breath. Let it out slowly...then listen to God. He's trying to talk to you - but you have soo much going on you need to tone down the noise to listen to Him.

Start writing a gratitude journal. Sometimes in there - you will find God's words for you.

If your husband is having a problem with your parents? You need to gather them together and tell them - I LOVE YOU ALL - I'm NOT going to be put in this situation. You are all adults. This needs to be resolved. Tell them that you will not be forced to choose.

When I feel my world crashing - like I did when my mom was dying - I stopped and breathed. I took a walk while my sister cared for our mom. I cried deep in a pillow because I knew my life was FOREVER going to change. I knew God had a reason for taking my mom from me - I didn't like it - still don't - but He had His reasons. I'm truly thankful my mom did not have a long and drawn out death. I'm truly thankful I was there to be there to care for her, love her and tend to her every need. I have a huge, gaping hole in my heart where my mom is missing.

Sometimes, L., the part of being a Christian and following God? Is knowing when to give Him the steering wheel. We humans love to drive our own cars....and the thought of turning that over? Well, it's scary. You want to cover your eyes and say "ooh no!!" but really? Go to a quiet place...take a deep breath....then cry - then let God know what you want to happen. Then tell Him that you are turning it over to him and here's the steering wheel....a peace will wash over you if you truly give it over.

You can do this L..

Prayers to you.

You married your husband, you chose him.
Your parents will always be your parents regardless.
Time heals all.

Let go and let God. You said it yourself, you are powerless. Now you have to ACCEPT that you are powerless. Learning acceptance has brought much peace to my life.

"God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference."

This is between your hubby and your parents - leave it there. You do NOT have to choose a side and I would be sure that both sides know that you are not. What's between them is just that - between them. Leave it there. You will find peace.

I pray. I go to church. And I confide in the people I trust around me, it definitely helps to get things out. In a few days I usually find that things are not as bad as they seem. Hugs to you!

There are times when situations and/or people try to get me in the middle.
My attitude is this:
Let them duke it out amongst themselves and let me know after the fact who's left standing.
I am not an ambassador and I will not negotiate treaties.
I am not a psychologist nor counselor and I do not have a degree that qualifies me to arbitrate.
I won't take sides and I reserve the right to tell them all to quit acting like a bunch of jackasses.
My power is not to change or effect the situation.
My power is to tell them if you are having problems or difficulties with each other then TALK TO EACH OTHER and get off my back.
When I stopped feeling responsible for situations I was not at all responsible for, had no part in, had no way to resolve - I felt ENORMOUS peace.
It's not your fight to fight - tell them so - and let it slide off of you.
You'll get the hang of it sooner or later and will feel much better when you do.

I found out a long time ago that praying is pointless. I only got things done when I got off my knees and onto my feet.

God has so many gifts for us. Yes, peace may be one of them. So are strength, humility, patience and wisdom. Which of these gifts and so many more are we to use at any given time? One of my guidelines is, that if what I am doing is not working, perhaps I should try out another gift. Sometimes I am impatient and need to pray more. But sometimes I am too patient and need to use my God given fortitude and do something! If I can't figure out what God would like me to do, I do ask for help through my priest or a friend, who is a counselor. It's amazing how helpful the right listener can be.

Now breathe, get help, and know that you deserve, and God expects you, to take care of yourself.

Edit: And if part of taking care of yourself means more targeted medical intervention for your anxiety, well, do that, too!

I'm sorry that you're struggling right now. It sounds to me like you need to take a step back from your life at the moment. I know that can be easier said than done but you need to "let go and let God". Trust that this too shall pass. I might sound like a bunch of cliche's at the moment but I think they're appropriate. It sounds like your'e stuck in your own head and you can't get out. Your anxiety is feeding on itself. Whenever I'm stuck in a moment like that I do my best to simply embrace it. Accept that I'm struggling and that things are difficult right now but reassure myself that although I feel like the world is crashing in around me, tomorrow will be a new day. You just need to make it to tomorrow and things will find a way to get better. Hugs to you and best of luck. Hang in there!

see a counselor. Or draft someone to be your 'trusted people'.

Hey, L., I just cut and pasted this from a Dr Wayne Dyer FB feed a few days ago. It makes me think of what you're saying because you cant' really DO anything, you need to just BE the peace. Surely there is a way for you to be at peace without destroying anyone or yourself-no matter how terrible their feud is? I HOPE!:

"Peace isn’t something you ultimately receive when you slow down the pace of your life. Peace is what you’re capable of being and bringing to every encounter and event in the waking moments of your life. Being peaceful is an inner attitude that you can enjoy when you’ve learned to silence your incessant inner dialogue. Being peaceful isn’t dependent on what your surroundings look like. It seldom has anything to do with what the people around you think, say, or do. A noiseless environment isn’t a requirement.

St. Francis’s famous prayer states it better than I can: “Make me an instrument of your peace.” In other words, St. Francis wasn’t asking God to provide him with peace. He was asking for guidance to be more like the peace he trusted was his Source. Being peace is different from looking for peace.

This principle isn’t about merely choosing tranquil thoughts when you’re feeling frayed and anxious. I suggest picturing a container deep within yourself out of which all your thoughts flow. Inside of this container, at its very center, imagine a candle flame. You need to make a commitment that this flame in the center of the container holding all your thoughts will never, ever even flicker, although the very worst may go before you. This is your container of peace, and only peaceful thoughts can fuel the burning candle. You don’t need to change your thoughts as much as you need to learn to be an energy of peace lighting the way and attracting serene, harmonious thoughts and beings. In this way, you’ll become a being of peace.

As a being of peace, you make a huge impact on those around you. It’s almost impossible to be totally stressed out in the presence of someone who has opted to be peace. Peace is a higher and faster energy—when you’re being peace, just your presence alone will often nullify the uneasiness and tension in those around you. The secret of this principle is: Be the peace and harmony you desire. You cannot get it from anything or anyone else."

Blessings!