Estranged Daughter/Birthday Present?

Presents seem trite with all that seems to be going on. But send her something so she knows how much you are thinking of her. I'd make it a long heart felt letter that doesn't stir up more conflict, but that expresses what she means to you.

Although I just read some other posts and agree, what you do should not be out of spite. Just don't get her something meaningless like an ipod. Give her something sentimental.

I think Riley hit it on the head- you are still the adult and still the parent. I know the first feeling is to not get a gift but that will be another thing "used against you" in a teens mind. Get her the card and a thoughtful gift- take the high ground. I would also suggest that you send her a letter every few weeks to tell her that you love her, even if she does not respond.

I would definitely send her a card and a gift. I like the idea of something sentimental -a framed photo of the two of you at a happier time, etc. plus a little something she has really been wanting. I gather she's a teenager or a young teenager at this point, and that's a really awful time! No, she shouldn't be acting the way she is, but she needs to understand that you love her no matter what, and that you want her to be happy. Let her know that you're still happy that day is the day you gave birth to her.

Send a card and a gift and make sure someone signs for it,throught he mail or UPS so Dad or someone else cannot say it was never received. She needs reassurance that she is loved and someone is there for her.

I think I would send her a nice card telling her how much you love her and miss her.

Good luck!

I remember the year my parents were so ticked at me they not only didn't get me a present, but they went out to a party on my birthday. It was the year I realized that although they loved me, the didn't like me.

Prior to my bday, I was having a hard time, and fought with my parents a lot, but they were my *Parents*. Rather sacred. In my rather juvenile mind, when I didn't get a present from them out of spite, I drew a line in the sand in my heart and I didn't let them back in for over 10 years. I was 11.

Don't get me wrong, I still loved them, but that day they ceased (in my mind/heart) to be my Parents, and became my parents. I realized that their love was conditional, and in order to be loved by them I had to be a person other than myself. I left home as soon as I was legally able to (by guilting my father into signing a waiver that let me enlist at 17)... and over the next several years slowly grew up. By the time I was 21 I had made overatures to my mother, and we slowly rebuilt that relationship, so that 10 years later (20 years after my 11th bday), she is now one of my best friends. But it took a lot of time. My parents lost my respect that day.

My parents made a mistake. They were ticked at me, so they behaved spitefully, which knocked them right off of the moral highground, and down on my level. So from that point onward, I treated them as I would any other child on my level.

Of course it was childish, I was a child.

Would the same happen with your daughter? No idea. We all walk our paths differently. But no matter how much they yelled at me that trust is earned, I held my own hurts, and how THEY lost MY trust... and did nothing whatsoever to regain it, as a shield. Earplugs against what they were saying.

But I would highly rec sending a gift. Anything else really is spiteful.

Send her a gift and card with a nice letter in it. You'll get through this. Teenagers can be tough especially when they can play divorced parents against each other. Tell her you miss the relationship you had when she was little and things were less complicated and that you hope someday that your relationship will heal and you can better understand each other again.
Try and be the bigger person here to your daughter and you ex-husband. You be the calm one although you are very hurt right now and rightfully so. This too will pass and although you don't want to be walked all over you can manage the tone of all of the relationships involved. You always have your significant other to complain to once the day is done. Use him for that and try not to let your daughter or ex drive you to anger.

I don't know if I would get a gift, it doesn't sound like she would appreciate it (to say the least). What I WOULD do is send a card so she knows you are thinking of her on her day of birth, but I would ALSO start calling her every day just to tell her I love her and always will, I am her mom and she is my daughter. Teenagers will look for any excuse to think their parents are horrible, and it sounds like your daughter even had help in villianizing you! All you can do is prove her wrong with your loving actions. I know this must be hard on you, I can't even imagine how I would be feeling in your situation. Good luck to you,
J.

Im sorry but no, I dont agree that you should send her a birthday present. Of course, her birthday must be acknowledged, she may be confused, regarding you and your significant other, but her behavior is still unacceptable. I would send her a card, with all my love, a phone call maybe, if she will take it (without mentioning any incident, only how happy we are for her birthday and how grateful you are that she is your daughter). Regardless her behavior we as moms have let our kids know how much we love them, no matter what, but that is very different to accepting our kids unacceptable behavior. I hope you find this helpful. It is only my very personal opinion, on this matter, Good Luck, and let her know how much you love her, regardless.

I go with a nice card and itunes gift card.

Wish you all the best.

J.

I believe that it is a parent's job to love their childI(ren) unconditionally. By not sending her a present or acknowledging her birthday, you would be only adding to her negative and confused feelings. This day represents the day that you gave birth to her. Give her something that shows her how happy you are that she is your daughter and that you love her. Maybe a locket with a special picture. Good luck!

I agree with those who say that you should send her something sentimental instead of something flashy... A letter or a photo collage would say 'I miss you and I'm thinking of you' where as a toy would read more like 'I'm trying to bribe you to come back to me'.

I would send her a card maybe with a gift card and give her a call. Do you write her at all? She has had plenty of time to cool off but her feelings may still be hurt. Divorce is also hard for children too. I wish you the best.

She's a teenager going through her angry, deffensive, and manipulating years, normal. She is your daughter bottom line send her a gift and things will change as she matures. Have patience and as time goes on she probably won't like the rules in their house and realize she didn't have it that bad with you guys. Good Luck

Yes. a nice card, or cd, dvd, jewelry, book, etc. Something small that shows you "know" her, & love her. Despite the situations & circumstances, they will change. She will not always be a teenager. Times & people change. She may tuck it away til a need arises when she may realize that you're the only friend she really has. Time has a way of revealing such things. Sounds like your only daughter. She'll require your friendship later. Stay strong.

thank you for sharing your story ... what did you do?

almost the exact same scenario happened to me ... which is why i googled "estranged teen - bday card?" i am definitely not sending a gift ... but my mother is quite upset and doesn't think i should "blame" her - but her father -- and that i should send a card. i am conflicted. big, huge kick in the teeth, face & gut after 18 years while He ran around and drove me in to the ground.

PJP I know exactly what you are feeling. I have a 16 year old son who is having issues too. I know exactly what you mean - they lie about you, to you, really bad lies - behave badly hurt everyone around them - you try all the interventions you can. Yet, you are not supposed to be hurt or angry at your own child. I just really don't like my boy right now and he is old enough and well enough psychologically and emotionally to understand and take responsibility for the damage he is doing to himself and to the important relationships in his life. But he offers no apologies right now. Just like your daughter. Here's the thing - you have to send her a birthday gift because you have to be the mom and the adult and show appropriate behavior. Hang in there momma. I firmly believe that "everything comes out in the wash". And my granny always said - "God don't like ugly" - You ex and his wife misrepresenting you and you spouse is not cool and it will come back and bite them in the butt AND your kids will eventually figure these phonies our for who they really are and then it will be a whole different ball game.

That sounds like an awful situation to be in! I hope things get better for you and all of your children soon!! I would not send her a gift but I would send her a card telling her that you love her always and then that leaves the door open for her to come back once she realizes what is really going on...until she offers one I wouldn't push her for an apology. Best Wishes...

I would definitely send her a gift. She is just a child and seems very confused. I understand that you feel extremely hurt by her actions but all she really needs to know is that you love her unconditionally. That is what we as parents should do above all.
If my parents actions were based upon my own when I was a teenager, I'm pretty sure they still would not be talking to me lol. They have never shown me anything but unconditional love, that is what you need to do for your daughter right now by honoring her birthday with a gift.

At first reading all this I was like no way don't get her a thing. She doesn't want to be a part of your life so screw it. But more and more I think about it. You should get her a little something with a card that says, even though you don't think very highly of me I am still your mom and will always love you. Let her know this. Like you said she is a teen and confused between mom and dad. But when she grows up and matures she will understand everything and know that you never stopped loving her no matter what choices she had made. I hope this works out for you. Keep your head up, she'll one day realize how life is as an adult.

I would send her a gift. Nothing really flashy or expensive or big. But something to let her know you love her no matter what.
My guess is that she's a very cofused child right now. Teen years are hard for any kid, but with the pull between her parents makes things even harder (not that you're doing anything to pull, but it sounds like her dad really is). She needs something stable - like knowing that even though she's done all these things to test you, you still love her and that you will keep things as normal as possible.

This is a difficult situation but I can only think one thing. You are her Mother, regardless to the circumstances, the "stepmom", your ex, etc...you have to SET the example and love her through it. She can act like a jerk, lie, cheat, steal, she is still YOUR daughter. The day you gave birth to her was a wonderful thing, so simply yes, give her a gift. DO NOT HOLD YOUR ANGER, HURT OR FRUSTRATION AGAINST HER ON HER BIRTHDAY! You don't have to accept her behavior, but loving her and the celebrating the day she was born will go further in her heart than she may be able to show right now. If nothing else, be her Mom! I am not saying you should be a doormat for hateful behavior. But if it were one of my girls, I wouldn't miss celebrating their birthday even if they were acting like BRATS!
Love her through this and reserve your anger for a therapist. It won't heal or change a thing!

There is no religion that suggests that lying about or bashing your ex is the appropriate behaviour. Religions teach what is right - and how to explain what isn't right. One should "soft pedal" explanations. Never lie. Your daughter is learning a very bad lesson from your ex. Perhaps your daughter is lying to your ex. Or embellishing.
Send her a card, invite her to visit you. Send a small gift that would be sentimental. Something that would remind her of your love for her.

While the advice you have received here from 25 other moms varies about whether or not to send a gift, I think it is unanimous that you should at least send a card and write some positive, heartfelt sentiments in it to your daughter.

My parents divorced when I was 6, and when I was 15, I opted to go live with my dad (just across town). It's a decision I would still make again, but my mom never forgave me for it, and she shut me out of her life for years after that. Unlike your daughter, I had no anger or retaliatory/lying behavior toward my mom, but that didn't matter - she was furious at me for choosing my dad over her since she hated him. Our relationship was never good to begin with, but that was definitely the final nail in the coffin. The estrangement has waned over the years, but it is always there to some degree by her choice, not mine. We now live less than a mile apart, but our contact is infrequent and limited to short phone conversations about her picking up my kids to take them to her house for brief visits. She did stop by on my birthday this past week and, while standing on my front porch (she will never come in), she handed me a card (merely signed by her, not with any "heartfelt sentiments" written in it), and, before walking away, she gave me a hug for the first time in my adult life, which she somewhat nervously described as a "birthday hug." I was both encouraged and saddened by the whole thing, since I think it is tragic that my mother finds it so difficult to "move on" from our past differences - I'm her only daughter, and I have her only grandchildren, yet she has allowed her hostility to fester for decades to this day. Don't let your current, hostile relationship with your daughter stay that way for years like my mother has done.

In addition to sending your daughter a card that truly expresses your love for her (not just signing "Love, Mom"), what about inviting her to go out to eat with you or to the movies or something? Time spent with her could be your gift, and you won't have to grapple with whether to give her some physical present that might make you (or her) feel like you're somehow trying to "buy her love" or otherwise rewarding her negative behavior that you do not condone.

Good luck to you. I hope you and your daughter are able to repair your relationship sooner than later.

Send her a card with a note from your heart. Don't try to push, she will figure things out soon enough. Just let her know that you love her and that youwill always be her mother.

Totally agree with Becky and Riley. Take the high road, get her a meaningful gift and a card. Keep trying with her. You are her only example for how to love, given your ex's behavior, so your role is very important. Good luck!