Encouragement - How to Get Kiddo to Listen the First Time?

Some kids' personalities are more like this - they challenge, and it's not always a bad thing - just in cases like this as you say. We have a little gal who comes to visit and she has an issue (her teachers have noted it, but she's never been diagnosed with anything as of yet). She does this with her mom. It's just a habit they fell into - long ago, and she thinks it's the way it goes.

I do the warning thing with her - I start 15 minutes out. It works.

I am also wondering - do you ever follow through with the threatening? We find that works - so "If I have to ask you twice to come down to get in the car, then next time we won't go" and we don't. We take the rest of the kids and that kid stays behind. When they were too young to stay home alone, one of us would stay home. We only needed to do that once typically - message delivered.

One thing that helps at that age too is I remind them that I have my own stuff to do too - that I'm not going to chase them, that it's not kind to me, etc. essentially - that you're a person just like anyone else. Would they keep a friend waiting? Would they keep their teacher waiting? (or as you say, Dad?). Mine are better behaved if they realize that they are tiring mom out and mom is already tired out after a long day, type thing. So I throw that in sometimes (sometimes it works ... not foolproof!).

The biggest thing is to differentiate between whether he's heard you and is ignoring you (my pet peeve), or if he didn't hear you. I've been talking to my kid about the same age recently about manners, and that he needs to acknowledge people who speak to him (me or others). And that it's ok to take a minute to change gears, but he has to let me know that he's heard me and is not ignoring me.

For example, he's playing a video game and I need him to do X. When I ask and get no response, I get upset that he's ignoring me and then I go and take the game out of his hands. Then he gets upset because he was in the middle of something and it's ruined because he couldn't hit pause or save. This happened many times and left us both frustrated. Our recent conversation about acknowledging people who speak to him helped. Now, that same situation: I tell him to do X. He says "Ok, but can I finish this level first? Because then I can save the game and not lose where I am." Then I say "sure, as long as it will take 5 minutes or less" or I say "sorry, but if you do that, you'll miss the bus. You need to do it now." Or whatever.

If he doesn't respond at all, I say "Joey, did you hear me?" And then he either acknowledges me or says "Huh? What? No, what did you say?" because sometimes he doesn't hear me when he's concentrating on something.

Either way, emphasizing the importance of acknowledging people who speak to you really cut down on this kind of conflict in our house.

Your 'first time' expectations may be unreasonable. When my kids are engaged in something, I give them a heads up warning. For example, "Dinner will be ready in 15 minutes." - then I wait for a verbal confirmation that I was heard. If I don't get one, I go find the kid to restate myself to their face to make sure.

When I call to them the second time, they are ready to come set the table. I respect them, they respect me.

Teaching a kid to respond to threats is self-defeating, imo. Try a 'second time' system too and see how it works out.

I think you need to make sure he's actually listening to you and you await a response when you ask him to do something. It's hard for adults even to be in the middle of something and then register what someone is asking them to do. Usually I have my kids do chores and responsibilities before watching tv, etc. so that they are motivated to get things done so they can do what they want. Sometimes it doesn't work out like that so I might say things like after one show, do X...or after 3 turns I need you to X. It's not fool proof but it works pretty well. With my son I have to make him repeat it back to me. If they don't do it, then usually I turn off the tv/ipad and don't return it to them for the rest of the evening, but honestly not always. I think the thing is though, don't threaten, just do. They will remember that time you just shut it off and didn't allow it for the rest of the day and will respond better to constant, empty threats.

Yes, I know what you mean!
In order to speak so he can hear you - you have to get his attention first.
When our son was about 6 we were having similar issues.
Of course we - the adults - felt son was 'ignoring' us on purpose.
Kids (anyone really) just are really quite deaf when they are totally engaged in what ever they are playing with.
How can you be annoyed with a deaf person for not hearing you?
(actually it's a necessary skill - if you've ever worked in a cubical or loud classroom it's a good thing to be able to block out surrounding hubbub to concentrate on your work)

So - I tried something new.
First -
When I needed to tell him something I'd get his attention.
"Honey! I need to see you!"
If he were really into something sometimes I'd have to pat his shoulder.
I'd have him come to me and look me in the face.
NOW I've got his attention and he CAN hear me!

Second -
Say what I have to say.
Make it short in easy to understand steps.
Saying "Clean up your room" is too broad - they don't understand that.
You say "put your blocks in their box and when that's finished come back to me"
Then "put your cars in their bag", etc and so forth.

Third - (important not to forget this one)
BEFORE they run off to do what you've asked them to do - ask THEM to repeat what you just said (you'd be surprised at how often they didn't interpreter what you said)
"No Dear, not your socks in the box, put your BLOCKS in your box"
and then you ask if they have any questions.

At that point you have achieved communication!
It gets easier/faster as they get older.
But every so often you need to return to basics as a refresher.

Once I got this down son seemed to 'obey' me more than my husband but husband didn't catch on to my method as quickly and once he did - it really eliminated a lot of frustration on many sides.

My son was similar. A good kid, but it was hard to get his attention sometimes.

My encouragement to you first involves the difference between "listening" and "obeying". Sometimes I think we moms say things like "you're not listening to me", or "are you listening?", and our very smart kids are very aware of what it means to listen. They listen to music, they listen in class, and so, yes, they're listening. What we actually want them to do is "obey", "respond", "comply", etc. Sometimes, a verbally proficient kid will respond better if we say something like "I'm going to tell you what I expect you to do, and you're going to do it". "In 5 minutes the timer will go off, and you will get up as soon as it rings and [turn off the tv, get dressed, unload the dishwasher, whatever...]".

The second thing is, try another means of communication. I resorted to handing my son a post it note with written instruction on it. I'd write "go take the trash out right now". He apparently responded better to seeing the words instead of hearing them. And you've already said that your son has an issue where noises blend together. So print your instructions in plain block letters with a black Sharpie on plain paper and see if that makes a difference. Keep your sentences brief. "When the timer goes off, turn off the video game."

And have a sit-down with your son, and tell him you will be trying a new communication method. And tell him that if he does not obey what is clearly stated, there will be consequences. And write those down. it's very common, with car insurance policies, laws, etc, to have the consequences established. First violation, $50 fine. Second, $100 fine and 5 points on your license. Third violation, license is suspended. That kind of thing. So you write something similar for your son. First violation or first time ignoring your instructions: no video games for the rest of the day or whatever your son values (his bike, having a friend over, whatever). Next violation, loss of allowance for the week, plus the first violation. Third, grounded plus the first two violation consequences. And make sure you follow the plan.

But make your instructions consistent, and reasonable. Save the written orders for the big stuff, like an important chore, or homework, or bed time. Make sure his chores are consistent (hanging up towels in his bathroom and wiping the sink and toilet seat with a disinfectant disposable cloth everyday, setting the table for supper, etc).

So, to sum up: establish expectations, communicate them clearly in writing, and have reasonable and sensible punishments that are established in advance and posted in writing.

I don't know how to do that. My 15 and 18 year old are really bad at that. 18 has gotten better. I think its normal. Unless you have a child that is just a total people pleaser that is scared to upset people you may not accomplish it. As kids get older they can get a little better.

with my defiant non listening kids i give them a time warning.. we are leaving in 5 minutes. and i ask to repeat back to me what is happening in 5 minutes so i know they heard me.
when its time to leave i say lets go. if no one bothers to get in the car i say first warning, get in the car. then second and if it comes to the 3rd warning they get something taken away for not listening. if its not a we are leaving thing they end up in a time out

I told my boys that if they don't listen the first time, the second time comes with 15 minutes off of their video game time at the end of the night, the 3rd with another 30 minutes lost. Since they only get a limited amount of time as it is (usually 1 hour) this has helped a lot. But you can't just say it, you have to actually follow through with the threat.