Emotion Coaching

Well, I don't know that book. But I do know that two-year-olds do that sort of thing. Verbalizing feelings is a complicated matter that even some adults can't manage! You already know that verbalizing feelings is different from just "being verbal." If he could do it, your sweet boy would be saying, "I'm really going to miss you today, Mama, and I wish we could be together all day long."

So this ability must be something that develops with modeling and encouragement. I think your son understands what you're telling him, but he may not be quite old enough yet to respond in any way except for tears. This will change in a matter of months, or even weeks!

You might assure him that "clingy days" are all right - you have some like that yourself - and you two can have some clingy time (and even some fun time) together at the end of the day.

I'll be checking back to see what "the book" says! This is interesting.

One of the things we need to be aware of as mothers is how we feel about the emotions our children express. Many of us have been programmed to believe that we are "bad moms" when our children feel "negative" emotions.

When we start feeling guilty for (responsible for) our children's emotions then we are open to manipulation by our children. Our young children don't purposely manipulate us (they develpmentally don't think that way). What they do is learn what behaviors create the response they want at the time.

So, when you are working on emotional intelligence, there are a few extra factors to keep in mind. One, validating feelings is not the same as fixing or changing them. Allowing our children to feel all their emotions and to problem solve for themselves (they do have what it takes to do this) is the greatest gift we can give them.

Two, being aware of what emotions our children are triggering in us is a key component in really understanding the process. If we do not understand how we react to anger or sadness in others, then we are going to try and fix or change the other person according to how uncomfortable we may feel at the time. Being comfortable with our own anger and sadness is the only way to be okay with our children's anger and sadness.

Third, we still need to maintain clear, consistent boundaries. They are allowed to feel how they feel, however, the feelings need to be expressed in appropriate ways. For example, anger is expressed by yelling in your pillow in the bedroom not by hitting a sibling, or sadness is expressed through crying and yet they still have to do the thing they are sad about like having to stay at the daycare.

And fourth, become educated about childhood developmental stages so that you can apply any techniques and tools appropriately. We often treat children like little adults by not understanding that they do not think or process information like we do.

Validating feelings is simply a process of stating you know what they are feeling and understand why. You then simply give them tools to deal with feeling those feelings not tools to make the feelings go away. For instance, crying is one of the best tools for allowing emotions to flow. Unfortunately, our society has way to many programs about how crying is a bad thing.

Even moms do everything they can to not let their children see them cry. An alternative would be to tell the child you are crying because you are sad, let them help you by giving you a hug or handing you a tissue, and then just letting them know that they can go play and you are just going to sit here and cry until you don't need to anymore. This is modeling emotional intelligence for them.

Mary L. said it very well!

I suggest this response, which worked for my children:
"You feel sad/angry/frustrated/whatever because mommy is leaving and you will miss her/you are still tired/insert specific reason here."
It validates and names his emotion and gives him a concrete reason for feeling that way, showing him that you not only understand HOW he feels, but WHY. Then you can move on to helping him solve it, by either asking him to come up with a solution or suggesting one.

My mother (a mental health professional and college administrator/teacher) taught me this in order to deal with people I was tutoring in college, when they would become so upset about a subject area that they lost sight of what they needed. She called it the "number three response". With adults, you don't have to do anything but use that response, they will naturally identify with what you say and verbally work to find a solution; but children need more guidance to help them find a solution.

Look for another book. Kids read our emotions so easily, and can quickly subconciously learn that by being sad, they get what they so need and desire-- our focussed attention. We train our kids to over-respond, and then we think our husbands are cold and unfeeling when they don't respond to our kids the way we do. Until we see that our kids don't "play" their dads like they do us! By reading a book from a different perspective, you may find a balance.
Best!

I only have a suggestion for one little part of your question. You said you were worried about putting words in your son's mouth--I know what you mean. I've been there! So what I started to do is to ask silly questions, giving more options, even though they're obviously not correct.

For example, when my son is mad as a hornet, I would say, "Oh, are you feeling silly?" and he'd glare at me and shout "NO!" So I'd give him more options, like sad, happy, tired, angry, etc. After a few obviously wrong answers, some of his anger had dissipated, and he would answer "yes" to angry, and would usually explain why. It was a fun way for him to calm down a little while also identifying and telling me about his emotions.

Who knows, it might work for your little guy, too!

I dont know anyone who doesnt have all of these kinds of days with our kids. Our feelings change day to day and it's the same with our kids. I think he sounds pretty healthy emotionally. The good sign you mentioned was that it only takes him moments to calm down. That tells me it's more about making a transition rather than being frightened, etc.

I know how you feel sad about those days because I've felt the very same way. Why does that "mother guilt" come so naturally?!? When "those days" come, I encourage you to be really strong for your child because your strength will reassure him. If you cry or get sad and upset, he will pick up on that and deep inside wonder "Maybe I should be concerned about going here after all". Like others said, be BRIEFLY empathetic and help him to identify his emotions and to reassure him with your strong smile. Tell him "I promise I'll be back later, it's time to go with the teacher". Make it a habit to prep him about what's going to happen that day. First we'll have breakfast and then we're going to go to school. We'll get your backpack and your snack ready and then when we get to your classroom you're going to give me a big hug and then go have fun with the other kids. And then I'll pick you up and we'll go . . . - you get the idea.

It's common for kids all through pre-school to go through little separation-anxiety phases as well - so dont lose heart if he has a couple of bad weeks here and there.

Also keep in mind age-appropriate questions which will help you as you communicate. Most kids cant really grasp "why" questions until around 5. With my 4yr old, Instead of "why do you feel sad" - I'll ask something like "what happened that you feel sad"

Hope that helps you.