Embarrassing Question - Delray Beach,FL

There are plenty of books about the anatomy for young kids. Get one, read it with her, answer all her questions and then tell her it isnt appropriate to show her personal body parts to anyone else and it is not appropriate for other to either. Explain that she can come ask you all she wants regarding a boys body or her own, but make the point that the line has been laid and she is not to cross it again. Having read the book and had her questions answered, she is likely to say "OK" with a smile and move on ..... at least until the teen years.

Hi A.,

Yes, experimentation at that age is quite normal. They are at a stage of curiosity and unfortunately sometimes that deals with learning about the opposite sex.

I found a good website that might be of help to you. Here is a link: http://www.troubledwith.com/ParentingChildren/A000001021....

I hope this has been helpful. Treat it as a normal issue, without over-reacting, and your daughter should understand and stop this inappropriate behavior.

Good luck.

W. Q

why is this an embarasing question, and please mommas don't suggest she have a 'sex ed' talk with her five year old!!!! when you say beyond approrpiate what do you really mean? if the children touched each other's private parts, then you have to explain to your daughter that no one is allowed to touch down there except mom. if they kissed, held hands, maybe hgged, please don't freak out. my daughter 'almost' got kissed at her preschool (a couple of years ago). we still laugh about it. i am not about to go freak out 5 and 6 and 7 year olds about sex ed. just too much.
really, A., if you were more specific, maybe the advice would be more specific. i can't even comment any further because i just got freaked out about moms suggesting you call the 5 yr old boy's parents, and you talk about sex to your five year old.

my kid did it too out come was his babysitter swatted both kids never happened again. She was a friend and not liscensed and I was told about it and thought it was a reasonable reason for her to swat my kid. I always wondered since her kid started it and other things occured later in life with her kids along this line I won't go in to detail if maybe someone had messed with the kid that initiated it. I imagine its the boy starting it but is someone messing with him? I would tell daughter that this is not allowed till married(its worth a try) but have the babysitter quiz the boy and see if he is not being messed with. For his safety have the babysitter quiz him.

I don't want my kids to ever feel ashamed of their bodies or their curiosity and I hope that having open communication and helping to set boundaries is helpful.

Below are some resources I've used (bits and pieces when appropriate).

My daughter's preschool had someone from the child protection center come out and do a talk on touching safety and told them the rule is: "No one should touch or look at your private body parts except to keep you clean and healthy (like taking a bath, changing a diaper or going to the doctor's office for a check up)." If someone wants to break the touching rule (1) Say no (2) Get away (3)Tell a grown up. Keeping secrets about touching is not ok. Keep telling until someone helps you. They were given a list of people they could tell. They were asked who must follow the touching rule? Answer: Everyone. There is some good info on their Web site http://www.cpcsarasota.org/need-help.

Also there is a free Sex Ed Handbook you can download and print on Oprah's Web site by Dr. Laura Berman with some good stuff about how to talk to our kids about their bodies, self-exploration, curiosity, etc. from birth on.

First of all, you shouldn't feel embarrassed to ask. Secondly, I would strongly suggest that you consider that the boy who was touching her may have been touched in the way he was touching your daughter. Curiosity is natural and normal but what very much concerns me is that the teacher has suggested that not only has it happened on more than one occasion but it seems to have progressed. You don't want to make your daughter feel ashamed but you must talk to her about good touch/bad touch and that this boy touching her is bad touch. I had this talk with my children at a very young age because bad touch can happen with anyone. The school should be contacting the parents of this little boy. Is it innocent? It could be. Maybe he saw something on TV that he should not have seen and is acting it out. Maybe he saw his parents engaged in activity that he did not understand and is acting it out. Worse case scenario is this child has been molested and is acting it out on your daughter. If it continues and the school does nothing about it, like putting your daughter in a class different from this little boy, then I would remove her from the school altogether. This should be considered serious and you have every right to be concerned.

I just wanted to throw in a suggestion of speaking to the boys parents. I'm sure the teacher has let them know, but I think this is a conversation that should be had between the parents. Just to see what they are saying to their son and keep each child on the same page.

I am experiencing the same thing with my Five year old and it is driving me nuts.. its not all the time.. but its like every few months there is something new.... This boy was annoying her on the schoobus so she punched him in his private- - I think this stems from a talk we had with her about bullying and touching in the wrong places-- I think she combined the two.. Or she pulled her girlfriends pants down because she thought it was funny and of course the after school program called me.. so Im not sure how to handle all of that myself.. I did talk with her... but i think she will be on punishment for the next two days

I have 4 kids who are all adults now with kids of their own. I went through the same thing with all of them. To be curious is very normal but I did sit them down and explained a few ...not so heavy details.....I also stressed to them that when you find an adult or any-one way older than they are ...trying to be curious......run the other way and let me know about it. Thank goodness that never happened. Now they are experiencing the same things with their 5 and 6 year olds and I get the calls saying.."Thanks Mom for letting me know how to handle this."

The answers you've gotten are helpful, but I'd also acknowledge that these two children like each other. Obviously the touchy-feely stuff is over their heads, but they clearly like to spend time together! I'd consider inviting the boy and his parent over for a well-supervised playdate, or maybe something at a place where they would not have time/interest in touching, but would be occupied -- like a really cool playground, a Chuck-E-Cheese-type restaurant or hands-on kids museum. That way, they'd get to spend 'appropriate' time together. I remember that even in kindergarten kids would tease boys and girls who were friends with "Joe and Alice sitting in a tree..." etc. Maybe they think they're doing what boys and girls who like each other are supposed to do! Sometimes girls and boys just don't know how to befriend one another, since school socializes them to stay with their own genders. Hopefully, they'll become good friends (who keep their hand to themselves!) Best of luck to you and your sweet girl.

I agree that curiosity may play a role, but like some Moms have suggested that someone has taught this behavior to either child. I hope that the teacher was specific in what she considered "beyond appropriate". I hope that the pre-school closely monitors the situation as well, especially if it has happened more than once. Someone suggested the anatomy books, which are good so that she learns about the body in a "matter of fact" way. But, she also needs to learn that there are certain places that are "no touch" zones. Place your hands in the air, have her mirror you, have her do it with you, explain all the places on her body where she can bring her hands together (where they cross) are "no touch" zones. Explain that no one should touch her in these places. So with hands in the air out stretched you can cross them in front and in back of her personal body parts. Since she's a girl, while your hands are crossed in front make another circular (half moon) movement with your arms from the elbows up to your chest for her breast area. It's just another way to demonstrate at her level.

Can you ask her what she is curious about and take away some of that curiosity by explaining things or showing pictures (medical type pictures)?

Here is the thing about sex ed and sexual development: one talk just isn't enough! Keep your communication ongoing, ask her what she is curious about and if you have to get some anatomy books (they make ones for kids) and anatomically correct dolls or models. Use her curiosity as a positive force, if channeled in a positive way, maybe you have a future doctor on your hands...:)
There is not need to "come down hard" on her, just keep on talking and letting her know your expectations.
Good luck!

Yes, it's "normal" to be curious; but inappropriate at her age to engage in sexual activity, even kissing. So, be upfront and direct, that her curiosity is normal but people don't explore sexuality until they are old enough to understand it. Well, then again there is masturbation, which is how we all become aware of our sexuality.
I don't know the answer, dear, just giving you some support.
Stick to your guns; but always be honest with your children...that way they will always come to you when they have questions and know that you will always be there for them.

"Beyond what is appropriate" maybe... But that doesn't mean it doesn't happen ALL of the time and don't let that teacher make you feel as if your daughter is "different" or "bad". Does it need to be addressed strongly by you? Absolutely. But go into that knowing your daughter is a normal little girl. I worked at a church affiliated day care for quite some time. I always worked with the younger age group, and I cannot tell you how many times we had to separate little ones (ages 3-6) who had hidden themselves to play "doctor". Again, it is not a good thing and by no means do I think you should just let it go, I just wanted to let you know that it is normal behavior - just normal behavior that needs to be corrected. That said I do have an almost 5-year-old girl and we have not encountered this issue. However, I would talk bluntly about it, if it did occur. My daughter, at 4, already knows the proper names of male and female anatomy. She has seen each in the book I bought especially for that purpose. And when she thinks of a question about it, she knows she can ask me and/or her father and we will explain the answer. We've never told her "no" or "not now". Some people think that is too much info for a little one, but to be honest her thought-up questions are not very detailed so in the end she still does not know "too much", but she knows everything she wants to. And, because of that, there is no reason for her to go explore it on her own. We give her the info, so she doesn't have to seek it out. I don't think it would be too late to start that sort of communication with your daughter, if you are interested. It is not for everybody, but I think we (my daughter and I) are well on our way to an open line of communication for those tricky subjects that come later. Hopefully this openness will continue. I can only hope and facilitate it the best I can. So back to your daughter. Here's my opinion: Let her know what she did is wrong. Let her know that now that you've told her it's wrong, another encounter will have serious consequences. Then move on why she did it. Answer her questions and then give her any info she might want. Try not to be embarrassed, if you are she will follow your lead and likely shut down. Also, on the ugly side of things, you need to know if this boy pressured her into doing these things and then, obviously, that should be dealt with accordingly. Good luck to you.

When this happened with a couple of kids in my daughters kinder class the teacher used it as a chance to discuss appropriate touching with all of them. Of couse she didn't use names but talked about hugging aggresively, kissing (that's what they did) and what kind of touching is OK. I thought it was great becuase she only knew she "caught" the kissers but of course was aware that they all need to be reminded at this age and a little "sex ed" throughout life is the best way to keep our kids healthy. It also helps the other kids to know it's OK to tell an adult if they see kids touching inappropriately. They all knew about the kissers and needed to hear what the adults were going to say about it. I like the idea of having the boy over to play too. Maybe they just like each other so much they don't know how to express it in the right way and some time to play (supervised ;) would be a good thing.

go to your local library and get an age appropriate book about the body, birds & Bees. I wish I could remember the name of the book I used - but I read it to my 9, 7, 5, &3 yr olds (seperately - and left out some things for the younger ones and elaborated on some things for the older one) It talked about body parts and privacy, who should and should not look or touch your private areas, as well as common questions about how babies are made, where a baby grows, how boys are different than girls etc. So - ask your librarian, and read that little one a book. It helps, they may have 1 question or they may have a thousand, this way you are armed with a book (or 2 or 3) that has age appropriate answers, also - always tell your child VERY IMPORTANT PARENTS: That "Bad Guys" aren't always men and they aren't always strangers. Tell them that people they know may be bad, so that if Uncle Whoever Or Nice Neighbor Lady who they know love and trust ends up being a Perv they remember what you said and will come to you to talk. Tell your children OFTEN to come to you - nothing bad will happen to them or their friends or family if they tell and you will make sure that the person hurting them will NOT hurt them again.