Dysfunctional MIL

Try to think of it as ONLY 4 more weeks.
Yes, it is a long time, but then they will be very far away for a much longer time...you can get through this.

Could she be going through menopause? If so, try to take that into consideration.

I would say do your best to grit your teeth and deal with it for 1 month. She may be trying to cram in all her "nurturing" in one month because she knows she is leaving. But don't be mean or put her out. She just loves her grandchild, son and you and wants to help, even if you don't agree with her methods. She raised your husband I assume without any serious injuries or problems, right? Ask her to address the safety issues (using the belt on the swing), but otherwise, just let her enjoy the little one. Life is so short and after losing several friends and family members over the last few months, that will never get to play with my son, I realize that each day is a gift. You will be amazed at how fast a month will go by. But I do agree with locking your door when you are in the bedroom. Cultural or not, you do deserve some privacy! Have a great great time with your new blessing.

To add to what Victoria W. said: another good response is to say "you may be right" and then do what you want.
I had similar problems with my MIL. We made sure she didn't come for a while after the second baby.
Victoria

I understand what you're going through. Michelle, in some cultures families stay with families, they're not put up in hotels.
to the poster: deal with MIL through hubby only. tell him what needs to be done during the day (he can list the things a night before), and tell him to ask her to not do anything more than what he has told her. my mother (who lives overseas) used to drive my hubby nuts by swaddling the babies (she did it with us kids, and thought that's what you do). he'd totally get mad, come talk to me, i'd talk to her, and then everybody feelings would get hurt. so then we changed the way we dealt with the extra help. i would tell her what needs to be done, and if anything had to do with babies i would tell her exactly how to (do the things). that way no one got their feelings hurt. i would imagine you need her to clean, cook, do laundry, and maybe do some night duty if you need some sleep (and who doesn't).

hang in there.

Dear PB&J

Trying not to be confrontational

Here four more weeks

Live out of the country

I can tell you are a great wife and daughter-in-law, and a wonderful new mother.

It would be best if you could speak frankly and directly with your mother-in-law. She’s probably trying to bond as much as she can with her grandchild because it sounds like the visits will not be often once they return home.

If this is not possible, let your husband and father-in-law run interference for you for the remainder of the visit. Concerning the “barging into your room--that would bother me. Your husband needs to set the boundary (if you can’t). “Mom we really love you and appreciate your help. However, when our door is closed that is private time with the baby. My wife will call out if she needs you.”

You probably got a Do Not Disturb sign when you left the hospital….hang it on your door!

Another idea is to have your husband get them out of the house to site see or visit relatives. Giving you some alone time here and there for the remainder of the visit.

Lastly, have you had the opportunity to speak with your own mother and get her take (culturally) on this situation? Sometime “mother does know best.”

Blessings.

In who's culture is staying in a hotel unacceptable? Why should you continue to put your health at risk for the sake of not breaking a cultural tradition? Because that seems to be the bottom line. Sending them to a hotel will not stop them from having a relationship with your baby or your hubby over the next 4 weeks. It will however, stop you from getting unhealthy and destroy the peace you need and desire in your home at this time. The last thing you would want is to be unhealthy and then MIL will really "think she's helping".

Another thing is that I know you want to be respectful b/c she's your hubby's mom. However, that respect should go both ways. She's in your home, you are her son's wife and you are an adult who deserves respect too. I had to speak up on some issues with my MIL and my hubby's great aunt (who's like a grandmother to him) and today, almost 10 years, we have a great, mutually respectful, relationship. And you know what girl, you deserve that too!

First of all, you HAVE to stand up to this woman 'for the sake of your child'-- she's going to learn from you how to be in the world, and she will be much happier of if tells her future MIL 'I'm in charge in my house with my children'. I know it's much easier said than done, though. Firm, non-confrontational 'I statements' are the way to go. "MIL, I really love you, and I want you to spend time with Grand-daughter' and (it's key to use 'and' here--- 'but' says 'everything I just said isn't true-- now here's the truth') I am her mom and must raise her as I see fit. I need you to respect that, or I won't feel safe having you near her.' repeat as needed.

I agree with the first response, if she's there to help ask her sweetly to cook, do laundry, etc. Let her know you're taking full care of the baby for now. What a rude woman, I doubt her grandchild will enjoy spending time with her in the future and that is a real shame. I'm so glad that your husband supports you and your feelings, because I know from personal experience that's not always the case. I actually feel sorry for her, she must be a very unhappy person. Take care and good luck with the next 4 weeks :)

If you are in your room with the baby, shut and lock the door. That will put a quick end to her barging in. And maybe, just maybe, might clue her in that she is not entitled to do whatever it is she wants/go wherever she wants in YOUR house (but don't hold your breath)....but, she won't be walking in on you anymore.
When she starts to quiz you about what is going on with the baby (when she is out of her sight) tell her "I've taken care of her." When she asks how/what/where... "I've got it handled". repeat as necessary.
You might try telling her that you" appreciate her willingness to help out and share her opinion about the best way to ___, and you know it is a steep learning curve, but that you and your husband are testing out what works best for you. And we are doing ___ for a while. If we decide it isn't working the way we'd like, we'll consider your suggestion. "
Don't be timid or "careful" when you talk to her. Be matter of fact, and confident! You don't have to be confrontational to be confident. And her having a relationship with your kid is a two way street. She needs to show a little respect to you if she wants to be a part of YOUR lives. The baby doesn't know or care right now.... you've got a few months yet before the baby recognizes Grandparents or can form any kind of bond with them.
Good luck.

I think you need to have a talk with your husband and have him sit down with his mom and really explain things to her about how some of the things she's doing are upsetting to you. He needs to set the bounderies with her and try and make her understand. She probably doesn't even realize she's upsetting you. But your husband has to be the one to have the talk with her because she's his mother not yours. I feel for you and hope things get better.

I would lock the door if she keeps busting in and if possible maybe you can have some of your family come over while they are there or stop by so that way you would have someone else to talk to and get away for awhile.

MIL's are there own special breed..... With that said, at times they can be wonderful and loving and at other times you want to scream and strangle them. LOL
Is there any other family they can stay with? Your parents, siblings, or better yet his? Even if they are in another part of the country paying for a flight to get them out of your hair for a while seems minimal. If asking them to leave is not an option I would take my baby and leave myself. Even if only for a few days, go to a hotel or your families house. Your hubby can explain that the help is greatly appreciated but the three of you need some time alone.
I am sure her intentions are good but her overbaring ways especially during this time are not healthy. It takes some time for you to acclimate to your child and a new lifestyle for your husband and yourself. You must thinks about you and your child first.

What about a nice relaxing spa day. You could leave baby with your husband and let him deal with his mother. I know this is hard to do especially if you are breastfeeding. I went to Burke Williams spa when my son was only 3 months old and they allowed me to use a private office to pump while I was there and gave me Ice to keep it cold.

Good luck!

Well, your baby is already 2 mos old so I guess you are not needing "that much help" now. Overnight guests are like fish, they began to stink after a few days. Honestly, why are they staying for 4 more weeks? Seems to me you guys will ruin the MIL/DIL relationship completely by that time.
She is the grandmother though, and one day you will be one as well. She knows she will be going far away back home soon and probably just wants to leave her mark and hold the baby as much as she can since the next time she sees him/her there will be a lot of changes.
Keep in mind that there is nothing worse for your husband than for you and his mom not to get along. If she's really helping you by being there, you will probably miss her when she's gone.
You say she's a control freak, and remember that it takes one to know one as well. Take inventory on how you are treating her, keep in mind that you have your baby FOREVER and she is only there temporarily and it is one of her baby's children. You can make this time with your husbands family pleasant or you can make it miserable and ruin future get-togethers forever.
Be the bigger person and let Grandma do her thing, take advantage of the extra help and soon she will be gone and you can feel good about how you treated her. I'd rather have my MIL bragging about what a great time she had with me than one that had to go home and say she wished her son married someone else. Keep that in mind.... and hang in there.

You need to consider this from several perspectives. First of all, your MIL is from an older generation, before some of the safety issues were known. She most likely used a swing for her children that may not have even had a safety strap attached... and likely didn't have a problem. Many of the safety issues that we deal with today have come about because a small minority of kids did suffer injuries. That doesn't mean it isn't important, just that there is a reason some older people don't understand the importance.
Since your inlaws are from another country, there may also be a cultural aspect to consider. The way children are handled in different cultures may be very different from the way we handle children in our country.
You also need to consider that part of her overprotective attitude may stem from the very fact that she is not likely to be able to see this grandchild as often as she would like to. Though it would be much better for her if she could loosen up and enjoy being with all of you, rather than being so overly concerned with how you are raising your child, this may simply be something she has trouble dealing with.
I think allowing your husband and father in law to handle the issues with her as much as possible is a good idea. Also think through for yourself which things are real issues and which things you might be able to just not worry about and let her have her way while she's here. Above all, do try to make this visit as pleasant as possible for all of you.

I feel your pain. When our daughter was born, my parents came for 6 weeks to help out from overseas and then, my mother in law for 4 weeks from an other country overseas also.
My husband was raised by his grandmother and my MIL has absolutely no knowledge about babies and how to raise them. I couldn't trust her at all around the baby Yes, she would go around the house giving "advice" (understand orders) to everyone. What my toddler should eat, how he should behave... Even after many warnings from me, she would ALWAYS put my daughter to sleep on her belly, arguing that she was obviously more comfortable like that...

So I completely understand your pain. Contrary to other post, I also understand that they made a long trip to meet their new grand-children and that is why they are staying so long and you cannot kick them off, however they behave.

I am not sure what to advise you. 4 weeks may seem like eternity now but it will pass. Try not to get to confrontational. Pick your battles. You cannot fight on everything. You would end up even more exhausted. It's "only" for 1 month, so you can let her decide on minor things (how to dress the baby...) and fight for life threatening behaviors (unbuckled in the swing)

Patience and Courage!

Find a retreat. Whether you leave with the baby, or stay home. If you stay home, find a room where you can lock the door. Have your very supportive husband explain, in no uncertain terms, that when you are in there you are NOT to be disturbed for any reason. When she gets upsetting, go retreat. If your health isn't great, you need a retreat anyway. Your mind and body need to have time to sync up and work together to heal you. If you like candles, light one while your in there. If you like food or a special treat, have it available there. If you just like to read or nap, make it so. If all you want to do is hold and stare at your wonderful new baby then do that. Force your mind into relaxing and not worrying about her, or anyone else. You will find that when you come out, back into the hassle, you'll be better equipt to handle it because you're rested. You might even find the ability to "laugh it off" to some degree when you are rested.

First of all, your baby is not going to remember anything of these first few months. She will have time to get to know her grandparents later. If you really want her to have a relationship with them, then your goal should be preserving some mutual respect in the next 4 weeks.

I would do what another person suggested and go through your husband. Explain that you need rest (which is TRUE) and time to bond with your baby (TRUE AGAIN), so holing up a bit with your daughter is just fine. I also agree that you should keep her busy with a list of things she can help out with.

My other question is: is this the first grandchild? If so, part of the "dysfunction" might be due to over excitement. I know you're under a lot of stress and not getting enough sleep, but give her a little slack, let her be involved when you can emotionally, and take a breath when things get too hectic.

If things don't improve with the implementation of the "husband wall", then I would either gently confront your mother-in-law or go through your FIL. You say he "stays out of it", but if you have a good relationship with him and if he loves his grandchild, he will and should intervene. My own mother was driving me bananas after my first child, and my dad would regularly step in. He understood it was just a time of high emotion, a lot of hormones, and a lot of anxiety for everyone.

As for ILs not doing what you ask...can't really give too much advice there. My own MIL thinks I'm "rigid and impossible" because I made too many requests for her to do things "my way". My guess is, pick your battles. My own parents kept putting my babies to sleep on their bellies. "The risk of SIDS is only 1 in a 1000!" Um...yeah. And what if we're the 1 in that 1000? Anyway, I would focus on the ones that are health or safety concerns and then keep in mind that the "other stuff" can be dealt with later. 4 weeks is not going to ruin your child forever.

Oh...I did find this a handy trick every so often. I would ask my mother or MIL how I should do something. This was usually something in the debatable category...like give a bath. Keep a wash cloth on the belly? No? I think having them be "experts" every so often helped them relax a little bit. She did raise your husband, who turned out okay I'm guessing, and might be hurt that you don't trust her. And everything in your post suggests that you don't trust her.

This is help? Under those conditions, if they won't leave I'd pack up the baby and book us into a hotel until they are gone. With a 2 month old baby, cut yourself some slack. There's plenty of time for the child to spend time with family - it doesn't have to be now. Also, if MIL is there to 'help', there are plenty of things she can do like cooking and laundry that leave you free for more baby time. This is your home. This is your castle. This is your baby. You are Queen on your own turf. How dare she disrespect you and only listen when a man speaks to her. Culture or not, if she can't deal with you being the queen bee in your home, MIL needs to leave before the 4 weeks are up. Blame it on the hormones if you want.

I wouldn't make any rash decisions right now about the future - limiting time with your MIL, etc. When you first become a mom you are trying to figure stuff out and I think it is a natural reaction to reject certain kinds of help, especially if it seems old fashioned. I think new moms are also pretty nervous about everything and they tend to be very "by the book". My mom insisted on giving my newborn water and because I had been told NOT to give water I flipped out when she gave her water especially after I had told her not to. I look back on this and think "what was I thinking? What difference would a couple of sips of water make?" I think the idea of having "help" in the form of parents coming to visit sounds good in theory but, for some people, it is not helpful.

Regardless of cultural issues, I would consider telling your in-laws that you find having them there to be too stressful. Tell his parents that your family needs time alone. They can choose whether they stay in a hotel or leave early. So many times we see the "cultural" excuse in this forum. Wouldn't his parents rather make you happy than miserable? And what about YOUR culture? Does that not matter? Good-luck.

I also have a MIL that drives me crazy and it's a cultural issue. My problem is I'm afraid she will accidently hurt my child because of her mental capacity so I'm paranoid to let her alone with him. I understand your need for sanity and health and the feeling that your husband and child need to spend time with the family. Any way you can get away for a few hours every day to give them time to bond but you don't have to hear it? Do you work outside the home or have a place to 'escape' to where you can take time for yourself? And just count your blessings that they live out of the country and it will be only a few more weeks... good luck.

Since they are out of country and only here for 4 weeks, I think your best bet is to just remember your breathing techniques! Keep you cool, and let your husband do the talking when there is a problem. Chances are, she will mellow out when your daughter is past infancy. Hang in there! In laws can be a tough crowd!

Updated

Since they are out of country and only here for 4 weeks, I think your best bet is to just remember your breathing techniques! Keep you cool, and let your husband do the talking when there is a problem. Chances are, she will mellow out when your daughter is past infancy. Hang in there! In laws can be a tough crowd!

I had the same experience! I was quite shocked when my MIL barged into my room when my newborn cried; but I calmly told her that the baby was fine and I had taken care of things. At hindsight, I understand that she was only too concerned about the baby, after all she came over primarily to help me take care of the baby, thinking that I was inexperienced... But she also took care of me and cooked for us which was a huge help (to my husband). I really appreciated it, but probably it did not show enough because I was weak and did not take the trouble to show more. I don't think I would treat MIL like a maid by asking her to do things like laundry and cooking unless she wants to. There were also trying moments like when she took away my baby right after I nursed her and changed her and when I wanted to bond with her. It appeared insensitive of her at the time even though she thought it was to let me rest... But now I have realized that I had my children with us all these years, and they only saw their grandma when we traveled and visited her once every three years, so why not let grandma spent as much time as she could while she was there; and we know that the baby would not care less at that early age as long as she was cared for and loved.
My advice is to have grandma have the nicest time possible while staying with your family but without sacrificing your health. I think a happy relationship will set the tone for the rest of your lives. Don't miss the chance of listening to her old advice; you may find something useful and something you can chuck, if you keep an open mind! You can always speak your mind and get your wants across with the help of your understanding males in the family. Try to strengthen yourself while you have the help; and you are lucky to have these caring family members who will help diminish your chance of postpartum blues! Good luck and hope this is helpful!

KICK HER OUT!!!!!!!!!!!! Put "cultural differences aside", while she is in your home, she must be respectful to you; and if she can't, well then she can't see her grandchildren. It is completely unacceptable behavior for an adult. Really, I read half of this without knowing what an MIL was, and I thought you were talking about a young sibling! It's your baby, your house, and you need to stand up for yourself.