Dual Custody, Different Cities

I dont think he should have to put up his carrer plans, however it dose make it difficult custody wise. I think it would be beneficial for the child to stay with you since that is where all the family is. However what about setting up visitaion on weekends and holidays vacations and even while she isnt in school on week days so that he isnt out of her life and is still a very much apart of it? If he wants to move away that is his choice, i would just be willing to listen an negotiate with him on visits and split time with her. I know what it is like being on the other side.

Its funny- my children live in Ballston Lake with their father and I live in Connecticut. I have been driving there every other weekend for three years to bring them back here for my visitaion weekend! 2 hrs each way, after I get out of work at 5pm we usually end up getting to my houseby 9pm on friday just to turn around to take them home sunday for 7 pm. If he truley wants to see his daughter and cares- he should be able to do anything to get there to see her. If not- they both will suffer fromthe lack of relationship. Good luck to you- Its a tough battle!

Hi. I am going through the same thing with my soon-to-be ex. What we did was put in the separation agreement that we would have joing legal custody but I would have physical custody which meant that I was able to file forthe boys on my taxes but he still has say so in their lives and can see them when he wants (as long as their is advanced notice). My suggestion is to present this to him and explain the psychological effects that going to two different schools in two different areas and all the back and forth would have on your daughter. If nothing else, contact a therapist or a psychologist and ask them to explain it to him as well. You have to make it about your daughter for him and give him reasons that are rational in his mind. Don't speak with emotion but facts.

J.,

My husband is a musician and I have been through the traveling and the career. It seems to me that you cannot do much about your husband wanting to pursue his career in the theatre and you have no control over where he chooses to live. But, you can get very clear about what is right for you and your children. I have found that being near my family and having the support of people is so very important to raising children and was what made it easier for me to support my husband's career. If you move, you will be isolated which will be very stressful for you and makes you less available to your children. I think that you have very good and stable reasons for not moving. It was your husband's choice to move to the city and he will have to live with the consequences. It doesn't sound at all like you are pushing him out.

Hi J. i am new too the group here but i have some advice i am a single mom too two girls here ages 11 and 5 we live in kenmore ny and me and my husband are separated and we went through the court for the visitation thing about 2 yrs ago he was living in Indianna and the judge told him he could have one weekend a month here In buffalo and he was not allowed to leave erie county with them we have joint custody but the girls reside with me thats who its written up but hes not allowed to take them outta erie county so ....i would say that he could take her one weekend a month i am not sure that you want her that far away from u for a weekend if he wanted to visit with her on his own then he should make the trip here and maybe spend the weekend with family with her its not fair to take her so far away from you cause alittle girl at 3 yrs old needs her mama that i know believe me ...or if he came up everyweekend then split with him i dunno if i would let my little girl go if he cant accept that then i agree with the other reply he should find a job here for the time being and be with his daughter ....if you have any ? feel free to message me i would be glad to chat with ya :) D.

Tell him to go to the city and do his acting thing. He will need all the time to do go-sees. The craziness is not the place for your daughter now. She needs to stay where all her extened family live.

My advise (from a mother that has been through over 7 years of CRAZY custody battle) would be to make sure that you have very good legal backing if he is starting to make accuasations. I dont know your whole story but if I would of had someone to give me advise back then I wish someone would of told me to be more careful than I was and to have very good legal backup.

I wish you the best of luck!

I'm sorry to hear what a hard time you are having but if I were you do what you feel is the BEST thing for Isabell. Mom's have a very good seance of what their children need a little better than Dads do some times. Since it doesn't sound like Ralph is even working. If he wants to live in the city good for him and good luck with that but he needs to come to Isabella not her getting shipped to him. Or maybe he can get a more stable job for right now and do his theatre on the side. You and Bella both need your family around you. This will give him an excuse to see his own family too when he comes up to spend time with Bella.

Good luck.

I am two going through a custody thing where I live in one city and he is moving to another I hope everthing goes right for you. He is taking me back to court for joint custody after we already went in 2005 and I got sole custody of our two year old boy.

I commend you on trying so hard to be diplomatic about this, with him. However, sometimes you cannot be right & have everyone else agree with you. In my opinion, you are right in wanting her to stay where she is, and he's just going to have to make things between him & your daughter work around that fact. Him moving would be a big adjustment for your daughter, and the court believes that the best way for children to cope with these matters, is in a loving environment w/ lots of support in a familiar/comfortable setting. He is the one who has need out of the area, not her. Everything she needs is where she is. You cannot control what choices he makes for himself, but you do have control over how you let it affect you & your daughter. Who knows, maybe falling into a more successful path in his career will, in turn, give him more resources to become a better father (financially & emotionally). I wouldn't take it personally when he claims you are trying to shut him out from her life. That is his conscience talking. He may be struggling with his own choices. Good luck to you & her.

I have to agree with you. If he loves his daughter and wants to be with her, he should put his plans on hold. After all, how would he feel if YOU up and decided to move far away? If he does end up moving, I would suggest having her stay with you most of the time, and then having her stay a weekend or more once a month, or every two or three weeks depending on his schedule. A 3 year old little girl belongs for the most part with her Mother. He has to understand that. Most custody cases that are not joint, the child is with the mothr. After all, it is HIS decision to up and move. Good luck!

I my self was in some what the same situation a few years back
Your daughter is 3 and she needs her mom. Dads are important but they give a different kind of support to kids then moms do. How far from you would the travel be if he left and went to the city??

D.

J.- this is just my 2 cents and in the grand scheme of things, doesn't mean anything but....

It would be hard to tell him where to work or where to live once the relationship between the two of you is over. If he feels that he could make a better living, be happier and maybe even be a better provider for your daughter closer to the city, then ultimately, that will be his choice and his call. You may not want your daughter growing up knowing her father might resent the fact that he had to stay and live somewhere that he didn't want to just because of her (not that it would be true...but kids perceive feelings very intuitively...).

That being said....I do agree that she should live with you. And, she's too young to make a trip that far frequently. I think that the arrangement should/would be that you would retain legal/living custoday (legal= making all decisions for her...school....residence....etc. and living being that she lives with you) and he would have visitation to see her where you reside. How often and for how long would probably be whatever was agreed upon by both of you.

It does sound as though you are both looking out for what's best for you....WAY TO GO! I didn't have that with my ex (he was resentful of the obligation of having a child and bolted). I didn't want him around anyway so that my son would grow up knowing that his father resented him. Good riddance on our part. But, your situation is different. You both have the right thing in mind :)

Good luck! I hope everything works out and sorry if I offended in any way.....

Sorry to hear about your divorce.

Most likely, the courts will award joint but non-custodial status to him. I don't agree that actors have to live downstate to be successful in theatre. I know several local/professional actors that are doing just that. There are even a couple of Equity actors that live locally full time.

Good luck.