Dreaded Words...

I would not let him see that it upsets you...he does not know what he is saying really...in the past I have been known to tell my kids...well it is a good thing I love you as much as I do! I do not think punishing a child who is learning to express himself is a good idea.

My son who is also 3 tells me almost on a daily basis that he loves daddy more than me or I only love my daddy. I actually think its funny he doesn't say it when he is in trouble or anything he just tells me so matter of factly. I don't react to it and tell him I love you or I love daddy too. Oh he also tells me that daddy is his best friend and not me. We get along great and have lots of fun all day but he just doesn't know what he is saying. Don't take it to heart and don't give his words so much power at such a young age. I look at it as in I am really happy that he has such a strong bond to his daddy and that has no reflection on the strong bond that he and I have together.

Try and ignore it he sees that its getting a reaction out of you so he's doing it even if he doesn't really understand what he is saying.

I don't think he really understands what he is saying, just that it gets a reaction from you. I have an almost three year-old too, and I would respond like you have been, with "I'm sorry to hear that, I love you very much." in a calm voice, and move on. Make your response very bland and he will soon tire of saying it. I think that in terms of using a time-out or other punishment, this is not a battle I would want to engage in with my son. I could see him spending a lot of time in time-out :). He's doing it because he knows you don't like it, so I would minimize your reaction and see if he stops.

They ALL do this... WHY?... because. Do NOT take it to heart because he has absolutely no idea what love is or what he means when he's saying it. He does know that he gets responses for it tho.
I would ignore it as if he said nothing at all.... once he realizes Mommy isnt gettin all nutted up it will be boring and he wont say it anymore.
Trust me, nest week he'll be saying some other corn ball thing.
He does not know what LOVE is or means, keep that in mind.
EDIT:
Remeber this: Love is a FEELING, the word love means nothing. Just keep showing your son what love feels like and letting him know what love means. When he understands what that word represents he wont have the reason to make that statement anymore.

If you let him know it upsets you then it works! My gosh, he's two. He doesn't even began to understand what he is really saying he just know the reaction from you. That's powerful. He'll start doing it to other people once he knows he can get their goat as well. Both of my boys have said it and I turn the other cheek. I know that they love me, they just get mad and frustrated sometimes. Don't we all? Might even say something like that's ok honey you can be mad at me and go about your business.
Best Regards,
C.

Give your son a different reaction from the one he's expecting. He may be expecting you to melt down or go nuts. Don't do it. Laugh, say, "But.... I LOVE YOU!" and get your tickle-fingers working on that kid. Once he starts laughing, let him go.

In case he likes this new game too much and wants to egg you into tickling him - and it gets to be too much for your pregnant self - say, "Not right now - Mommy needs to rest. But Daddy LOVES YOU, TOO..." and let Dad take over for a while.

Once the original "I don't love you" line has lost its appeal for your son, you'll be able to start gradually teaching him about saying kind words to people at home.

I think it's best to ignore it, or respond once sweetly with "well I always love you" Then walk away or change the subject. It can be HARD, I know, because words do hurt. But, now he is truly is throwing it out there for the power of your reaction.

When my older daughter was 3, she learned one of her Grandmas would give huge lectures and talks and spend enourmous amounts of time sitting with her and analyzing her feelings and why she would exhibit any negative behavior. Once she was sitting on the chair with Grandma and Grandma asked, "how's preschool?" My daughter responded with "I hit kids" Now I could tell my MIL felt a huge drive to make this comment a BIG deal. Quietly, I spelled, I-G-N-O-R-E. Visibly uncomfortable, Grandma tried to ignore it. My daughter got up to her eye level and said again louder "I HIT KIDS" Once again, I spelled, "ignore" Finally she got distracted and stopped. Was this true? No, she did not hit kids at preschool. I explained this to Grandma later. Oh, she probably did take a swat at her baby sister and got about an hour of Grandma's serious attention on a previous occasion. It can really be about testing the power of your reaction to their words.

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My 4yo says the same thing to me. It's usually when I making him do something he doesn't want to do- like go to bed or brush his teeth. I tell him "That's ok, you don't have to love me. But you still have to do what I say." Or sometimes I'll say-" That's ok. Daddy and your sister love me". Now that he realizes that he won't get much of a reaction from me, he has stopped saying it as much. Now he will even say he's sorry or he DOES love me. Try not to take it personally. It's just a phase...

It hurts, right? My 3-year old daughter says this to me, "Mommy, I don't love you, I don't even like you." I reacted the first time with fake tears. Dumb idea - she loved the reaction. Now I just say, "Okay, let me know when you change your mind." If she says it again right away I just ignore it. She does it MUCH less often now, and often when she's tired.

She says it because she knows it hurts my feelings and she is three. She is testing all boundaries. She is a good kid, but a boundary pusher. Luckily, my husband and I are both firm with her, and she doesn't get away with much. Try to let it just pass by with little reaction. Though I am currently trying to get pregnant, so maybe I'll be coming to you for advice soon!

Don't ignore it... but don't treat it like the end of the world either. Teach him he can say "I'm mad at you Mommy" instead of "I don't love you Mommy". You'll be happier and you'll be teaching manners at the same time. In grade-school they REALLY frown upon 'emotional withdrawing' over little things like not getting their way, etc.

Ignore it. Your son is discovering the power of the spoken word. He shouldn't be punished because you need the lines of communication open with him. He needs to feel comfortable telling you anything and everything; especially in the future when he is older; but this is setting the groundwork for that.

He does love you. I would just say, 'But I love you." And leave it like that. Good luck....it is never fun when children are rediscovering their boundary lines and hurting their mommy meanwhile!

This is just a phase he is going through. Unfortunately all kids do this and it hurts so much to hear them say it. But you just have to tell yourself, they don't really mean it and avoid saying it back to them (for instance, when your teenager shouts I HATE YOU).

So don't take it to heart, he still loves you.

Pregnancy would, for sure, make this a hard thing to hear from your beloved toddler. And this is such an important question you're asking – the implications stretch all the way into your son's adult life. Consider these questions:

Do you want your son to be able to identify and steer his own feelings as he grows up? (Children who can't do that are subject to a variety of emotional ills, from depression, to being easily "guilted" or otherwise manipulated by peers, or treacherous adults, or future romantic partners, or self-serving or unscrupulous bosses.)

Do you want your son to believe he has the power to hurt you emotionally? Or inversely, do you want him to grow up believing he's responsible for keeping other people happy? (If his babyish pronouncements strike you to your heart, imagine what he can do to you as a sometimes-angry teen. And consider the stereotypical plight of the child raised by guilt-inducing mothers.)

Do you want your little boy to grow up understanding honesty? (Being truthful about his thoughts and feelings is a huge part of honesty. He will be able to be more diplomatic about his feelings as he gains maturity, experience and empathy. He'll learn those from the consistent love and respect you and your husband show each other and your son, because children learn by example. If he's required during early childhood to hide his feelings, his experience of life will be less authentic. My own extension on this is that children shouldn't even be required to apologize until they feel genuinely sorry, otherwise, it's just an insincere social lie that allows them to go back to their preferred activities.)

Do you really believe he doesn't like/love you? Does he? (I expect in the moment they say such a thing, it feels true: kids are impulsively expressing their unhappiness with some requirement of yours, but that's because they are spontaneous and impulsive. Three minutes from now, the opposite is just as likely to be true. If we react negatively, we empower them to keep using such comments on those occasions when they think the reaction will meet some need of theirs.)

I'd ignore it, or smile and tell him it's okay, because you will always love him. My daughter, and much more recently my grandson, experimented with comments like this. Because nobody reacted, they gave up the experiment after only a few tries.

I'm there right now. I think it's because if they love one parent they shouldn't love the other. We are getting past it but yes it hurts like hell. What worked? Play- I mean do the pouty lip and pretend to cry and they stop doing that. At least that's what worked for him.

My 2 year old does this. I think they're just experimenting with the effect their words have on people, and saying 'I don't love you' WILL have an effect! I just say, "but I love YOU" and go on with things. I'm 39 weeks pregnant and so I GET the hormones, but once he sees that these particular words don't get a reaction, he'll move on :)

age appropriate.... my son totally preferred his daddy. my daughter is now doing it to him. LOL. i wouldn't let it get to you cuz you know he doesn't understand what the words mean. I would just say "oh. well i love you." and maybe ask what he thinks love means? maybe its likes to wrestle with. ya just never know.

My 2yr old says it to me :( I cried the first time and I still get hurt, but I just say hunny I love you more then anything... sometimes it works and she says aww mommy love you! Just a few minutes ago we were playing and she said mama I no love you, I said well then I guess it's time we stop playing and go to bed. She threw herself on the ground and I walked off. Her daddy picked her up and she started screaming for me. She said I love you and gave me a hug and a kiss... I think it's just a stage and well to be honest she is a daddy's girl lol. Try to just reassure him you love him and talk with him :) Tell him how much you love him!

He's just learning to express his feelings. Tell him he hurt your feelings (and point out times when HIS feelings are hurt so he knows what you mean) but tell him "That's OK, I love you enough for both of us!"

I think he is saying it because he is angry and continuing because he gets a reaction. I imagine he has a lot of big, confusing feelings about the new baby and this is part of him expressing that. I think you are right to not get worked up about it (as much as you can manage). Maybe you can talk to him about his feelings when he is calm and explain everyone gets mad sometimes but you can be mad a someone and still love them. There are some good books about feelings and about a new sibling so try the library or bookstores.

BTW, my 4.5 year old still says horrible things about his sister (who is almost 2). "Throw that baby in the trash." "Throw her out the window." "Exchange her for a new brother." We only punish actions like hitting or pushing. It's not a perfect solution but it mostly works.

I always say, "Well, I still love you" and let it go.

I am sure he doesn't know what he's saying (and of course you know he loves you more than anyone! You are his world!). Personally, I would probably ignore it. A negative reaction is a reward to him, and I would be afraid that telling him you love him would be a positive reward.

Punishing him for it would probably work, but it's one more thing about which to discipline him, but I just think it would be less work for you to ignore it. Also, while his words are very hurtful, it isn't dangerous and I don't believe he is being truly malicious (both of which would call for discipline IMO).

My 4 year old used to say "You're not my Mommy!" I was really blown away the first time. I didn't know what to say. But I told him the next few times he said it that it makes Mommy really sad and it is not nice. I did not punish him but told him how I felt. It blew over pretty fast and he no longer says it.

My son did this too. But really & truly it's not personal. He doesn't connect the word love with how he feels about you, but you do (no baggage for him, lots for you ;>).

What I used to say was "good thing I have enough love for both of us!!" and give him a big hug (with real love in it). I remember we both would laugh and we would move on easily. He stopped saying that after a while as he discovered that his words had no effect on how I feel about him.

He's just checking, making sure you really do love him even when he says/does something that's not very lovable. Don't punish him. Punishing him teaches him two things:

a) he has power over your feelings (which he doesn't, only YOU can decide how you'll feel in response to what he says) and
b) maybe you don't really love him when he's not lovable even though you keep smiling and saying you do. (I'm not saying you don't love him, clearly you do or you wouldn't care so much what he says! I'm saying that when he "tests" you like this, he's making sure you do. If you put him alone in his room for a time out, it's not a show of your love for him, and he'll absorb that).

Just hug him and think about how clever he is to be trying things out to see how the world works.

yess! you're not alone!! my daughter went thru that phase too and we just ignored it. i also was hurt by it, but my sis informed me that it's very common and they don't even know what it means. yes, just ignore it, he will stop, don't worry!

Honestly, it's a phase and he will outgrow it. They go through some kind of logic development where they think that you can only like one thing at one time.

I used to say something like "I'm okay with that" if he said it when he was angry or ignore it when it was a casual comment. It went away all by itself.

I took this time as a beginning opportunity where my kids could come to me with anything and I would be there to listen and to help them learn to make decisions so that they grew up into responsible self-led adults. That seems a little heavy at this point, but I want the dynamic set down that they can tell me unpleasant things and I will help them work through it. I think that's more what a parent is for - to teach a child. So many times, a punishment episode can be much better handled with some education on the parents part. However, at 3, his logic isn't well developed and he will be worlds more mature at 4 and worlds again more mature at 6.

You have a lot of time ahead, DON'T take it personally. He loves his mama and will love his mama more than anyone else on the planet. This is what is true. Words are just words and little ones are not the best with them yet. (adults have trouble too now and then :) ) You are his security and comfort, you are his mom. Of course he loves you with all his heart.

Anything, anything these kids do, is strictly for a reaction. Whether it's positive or negative behavior, they just want to see how we'll react. It's their day job. My 3 year old has said that to me on occasion, and I just say "Oh, that makes Mommy soooo sad that you don't love me, but I love you anyway..." He doesn't like to see me sad so he'll quickly say "Oh but I do love you!" Don't sweat it...of course he loves you, you're his Mommy. :) Good luck with the new baby. Save all of your energy for his reaction to the new baby....you'll need it!
Lynsey

He does not really know what it means but he does know that he gets a
rise out of you. When he says it, mission accomplished! He gets your
attention. I would just ignore it. This too shall pass.

I agree with hubbs. I would tell him we don't say those words and give him a time out, it that works for him.

My 3.5 yr old has been saying it too. I simply say back to him that I'm sad about it and hope that he loves me again one day, I tell him that I love him no matter what and I'll ask him if I've done something wrong to make him feel that way. I say the same when he tells me he's mad at me or whatever else. I think its all a test and he is learning (testing) boundries, meanings and emotions and how to communicate them and what kind of reaction he will get from saying certain things. He will sometimes ask me if I love him too. He's also been saying he's very mad at me or whatever else. I've been trying to work with him on telling how he feels instead of just acting, and I've been trying to work with him on being aware of this feelings and resolving them through communication and also how its ok to have a feeling, its just what you do with it thats important. So I just keep loving him and letting him know it and if he says things that I hurtful I just calmly point it out.

I get that from my three year old all the time these days, too. At first I told her it wasn't nice but she just did it more. Now I either ignore it or say something like "that's too bad because I love you." Sometimes I say: "you don't have to love me but you have to be nice and respectful." I don't let her get an emotional reaction out of me. I don't think they know what they are saying and will move onto some other way to drive us crazy before long. Good luck!

my son is 3 and has been saying this from time to time as well. Either that or 'I dont like you'. He says it purely for reaction. I ignored it for a little while but that didn't make it stop. So I told him point blank that it hurts my feelings when he says it and if he says it again he's going on time out. He has said it a few times since then, either to me or my husband- and I keep my word- time out. Its helped a lot. He has gone to say it since then, but stops himself and puts his hand over his mouth, because he knows he'll be heading to time out if he says it.
Don't let it get to you. Its just for reaction. I stay home as well, so I do most of the disciplining as well. They love us, so don't think his words have any value.

You just reminded me of when my son used to do this when he was 3!!! I forgot all about that. It's no fun, isn't it? Well, just keep reminding him what he is allowed to say and tell him you love him. They grow out of this phase! My son is 6 now and when he gets mad at me he no longer says this.

You should listen to your husband. He is right. Your son is being rude and hurtful. He needs discipline for that. He is still little. You have time to teach him to be kind and polite before you bear much harder consequences for letting this slide. Why wouldn't you follow your husband's lead? What a wonderful way to teach your son honor by honoring your husband. :)

On reading your post it immediately brought to mind something from my past. My brother, at about eight years old, was fighting with my mom. He told her, "I hate you!" to which she calmly replied, "Well, I love you." That ended the fight. I never heard him say that again to my mom, either. I guess it made a mark on both of us because I still remember that all these years later (my brother is almost 32 now).

Love conquers all! The best thing you can do is respond in love :)

Kids grow up and get smarter and test boundaries and we reset them. They also figure out what you care most about, verbally reject it, and see what you will do. In our case, I had to pretend that it didn't bother me when my daughter said she didn't like church and praying. (Gut wrenching for me). So, I just ignored it, went on with the day - and she still went to church and joined in with family prayers. She came around in her own time and way. Yes, hormones are playing it up for you - so sorry!!! I think it is okay to firmly say, "That is not nice. Go to your room and sit on your bed until you are ready to be kind." (or stand in the corner, whatever). Set the boundaries, a time out, and he is in charge of when he is ready to come back to the 'group'. Don't check on him (except to make sure he is obeying you - still on his bed or in the corner). Don't ask him, cajole, reason with him. Boys especially need a few clear words, a simple directive, 100% enforced.

I'm also in my 3rd trimester (delivering next week) and have a 3 1/2 year old that is saying the same thing. I ignore it...he is testing his limits. If I ignore it then he tells Daddy that he doesn't love him...he ignores it too and then my son just gives up.

The first time I heard it I was like What? and it did hurt...but just ignore it. They are at the age of trying to figure words out without knowing what they mean or how they hurt....hang in there!!

Hi, You are doing a great job by telling your son "thats ok I love you", but also tell him that what he says hurts your feelings, he is looking for a reaction right now...not the sting of what his words say. I would say by 4yrs old if he still says it he should have consequences for his hurtful words, but not yet he is too young. Hope I helped!!

When my son was 3 he also said those lovely words,"Mom, I don't love you". At first I would say, "That's ok. I love you soooo much". That didn't seem to do anything, so the next time he said it I told him "That's ok. I don't love you either". It sounds worse than it was. It was said in a very normal tone just like he said it. It made him stop and think and then he started laughing and said, "No, Ok I do love you". At 3 I don't think they understand how powerful those words really are.