Don't Know What to Do. Need Some Advice Single Mothers!!

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You are 29 years old. What is your education like? What do you do for a living?

Your son's father is not paying child support WHY???

WHO calls you the B word?? And why?

Your dad did something nice. He took you in. You are complaining about his drinking and smoking. Yet you are living in HIS HOME. Okay. He even took in his ex-wife. She moved out - why can't you move in with her?

Why do you feel like you need to buy all the food and essentials? Is there an agreement set up between you and your dad? If not, why?

What is your plan for your future? How are you going to improve your situation? Why not start with getting an education so you can get a better paying job to live on your own? Why not go back to court and get child support in place to help pay for your son? The biological father does have responsibility in this!! You are NOT alone. Stop acting like it. You have options, you just don't see them.

Why not reach out to social services and see if you can get Section 8 housing? Why not see if you are able to get grants to get back to school??

Making decisions? Please. You are NOT the only one making decisions every day. This is life. It's a roller coaster, you have highs and lows. The difference is HOW ARE YOU GOING TO REACT to the highs and lows??

You want your life to change? Don't sit back and expect other people to do it for you. Open your eyes, get off your pity pot (yep - we all have pity parties - I had one last week) and get a plan in place. Then start taking steps to get that plan going.

Don't like where you live but can't afford to move? You CAN. you just need a plan. Get your ducks in a row. Open your eyes to the options you have.

Good luck!

Talk to social services and/or a womens shelter.
You're 29 - not 19.
This is life.
There are no breaks from life and many people can never afford vacations or time off.
Yeah some have it better than you but many have it worse too.
I work with some women who are widowed and working 3 crappy jobs just to make ends meet - and they have no hope of ever retiring.
They will work till they drop dead - they have to.
One co worker wakes up every few hours to help her 86 yr old father in law get to the bathroom - she is his care giver, wakes again to help hr son with his 2am paper delivery route (he's 16 and can't drive at night yet on his own), and manages a high school cafeteria as well as works around her daughters school schedule (she starts high school in the fall) - and they are recovering from bankruptcy which happened when they lost their health insurance and the kids asthma medical bills piled up.

You're priority is raising your son and getting child support from his father.
When you say your sons father comes around all the time but won't commit, does that mean you're having sex with him?
If that's the situation then that needs to stop.
Your father is not your responsibility - he's an adult and needs to sink or swim on his own.
Talk to a womens shelter, plan your escape, save up your money and leave.
You have a full time job and that's a big plus.
You DO have a tough row to hoe - but it could be worse.
Hang in there!

Echoing Doris Day's reply. He is not your responsibility in any way, shape or form. Keep your future goals in mind and keep saving no matter what.

Sounds like your dad calls you the "b" word. Or the father of your child? And it's about money, right?

Sometimes people treat you bad to keep you in line, keep you down so that you will continue to do what they want. Is that what either of these men do?

Your father causes his own problems with the drinking. You are not responsible for him. You have paid your dues for him helping you when the baby was 9 months old. You do not have to support him now. It's not your responsibilty to make sure he doesn't fall behind on his bills.

You do not have to buy so much. Pay less for the rent if he is eating your food and using your supplies. When he fusses, tell him that's all you can do and don't listen to his arguments. Save the money you are saving towards your downpayment.

If your father tells you to move out, he is bluffing. You are actually helping him. He has it easier with you in the apartment.

But work hard to save money so that you can move out soon. Don't spend it on anything extra. Put it in savings so you aren't tempted to spend it on anything extra. Good luck.

You are in a very difficult position. I sympathize. I sometimes feel overwhelmed and want to avoid responsibility. It's the pits. When I feel this way, I'm not able to do some things that need to be done.

Years and years ago, I felt like I couldn't handle life. I began seeing a psychiatrist. He became my anchor for a couple of years. Therapy helped me change my attitude about life. I learned skills.

This was before the anti-anxiety, anti-depressant meds we have now. When they came out, I began taking them. Once we found one that worked, I felt so much better. I was able to get up in the morning feeling good. I still take meds for depression and anxiety when I feel overwhelmed and unable to keep moving to resolve issues.

So much more support is available now. I suggest that you see a doctor for a full physical and ask about medication to help you get through this. Also see a counselor who can support you while you resolve your living situation.

Your county has clinics in which clients pay on a sliding scale. I suggest you call a women's shelter for help. Your father is emotionally abusing you. The shelter may be able to help you find a doctor. They may have a counselor to help you.

Yes, others have it worse than you. Knowing that does not help you. When people told me that, I became more depressed. I couldn't help them. I couldn't help myself.

I suggest that the first thing to do is to find a shelter that can help you get help. They can help you get medical care. They can help you make a plan for how to get out of your father's house.

A part of getting started is to get on an antidepressant. You'll be surprised how much that will help once it kicks in. Medication alone will just make making decisions easier. You will still need a counselor to help you know what to do, to support you as you make changes.

I know you feel helpless. So start with doing just one thing that will help you get moving. Deal with your depression and anxiety first. You can do this!

Contact Salvation Army for help. They often help with move-in expenses on a new place, they may also help with getting your car fixed. If they can't help you they may know of an organization who can help.

I've got to "ditto" what Wild Woman said.

this is YOUR life. Own it.

Your son's father must take responsibility for his child. Child Support. Doesn't matter if you weren't married or not. Child Support. Go to the courts tomorrow morning and get it set up.

You are NOT responsible for your father's bills, drinking or smoking. Stop taking it on.

Like Wild Woman said! Get a plan in place! YOU NEED IT!

Welcome to the world of adulating. Its not easy and its not fun.

First, your dad did a big favor by taking in you, your son and his ex-wife. Why didn't you move out when your mom did? You knew your dad smoked so why the big deal now? I'm guessing you knew he drank as well. If he supported himself before you moved in, he will support himself after you leave. Your priority is you and your son. Not your dad or your son's dad.

Next, pay for you and your son ONLY. Why isn't your son's father paying child support? Get a child support order ASAP. He needs to help raise your son financially.

Guess what? You have to make decision all the time. Why? Because you're the adult. You can't just say "Oh well, I'm done". Also, whoever is calling you a b, needs to be dealt with. That is unacceptable language and should not be tolerated. You don't want to teach your son that it is okay to call Mommy a b. No!

Does your son's father pay child support? If not, why not? His wages can be garnished - talk to legal services and get a child support agreement. Don't listen to someone who may tell you they can't afford it. He doesn't get to come by to visit instead of working.

You need to try to get your son out of a place with smoking. Talk to the housing department about getting Section 8 assistance. Get on a waiting list for affordable housing.

See if you qualify for food assistance or the local food pantry. Even a partial subsidy will help.

When you can, shop at thrift shops - you can get great deals on clothing, toys, household items and furniture. Your child doesn't need brand new clothes - many children's clothes are in great shape because kids outgrown them before they wear them out. You can save a lot of money that way.

I agree with Doris Day to stop paying half the rent if your father has money for booze and smokes. He can buy toilet paper and soap. I don't think you're being greedy. Can you do something with your mom to share rent? She's already caring for your son - maybe you can do something together to get a 3 bedroom, even a 2 bedroom to start?

Who's calling you the "B" word? Your father? Your son's father? I agree with the comment below that people who put you down are trying to control you. Don't let that affect you.

As I read this, I also wondered what others wondered -- why don't you just move in with your mother? If she helps take care of your son, this would be a great arrangement because you would just drive straight home from work, rather than having to go to her house to get your son and then go back to your dad's. You and mom could get a bigger, nicer place if there are two incomes going in toward paying the rent, as well. Another option is to find a roommate, maybe even a single mom like you, who would be happy to have a friend in you, and a playmate for her child. When considering a place of your own, if it's only you and your son, you may be able to get away with living in a studio, which is a heck of a lot cheaper than a one bedroom or two bedroom apartment. Some apartments don't ask for first, last, and security, just the first month's rent. Try looking into that. By the way, I have seen families that seek a live-in sitter for their kids, and they also pay a salary in addition to having the nanny live rent-free and provide food and the other necessities. I have met some women who did this to get on their feet, and the families they worked for did not mind if their employee had a child. This would be a good work option as well and would take care of your housing issue, until you're able to save up and get your own place.

If your father's being a jerk to you, you don't have to put up with it. He is taking advantage of the fact that you're in a time of need and trying to see how much he can get out of you before you put your foot down and say enough is enough. Yes, he helped you and your son when you needed help, but you have paid half the rent and food, so you have pulled your own weight and repaid the help. If he gets behind on his bills when you move out, that is his problem and his problem alone. Don't feel guilty and don't let that stop you from moving out if you're able to. You need to do what is best for you and your son, and witnessing a drunk smoker who belittles you is not exactly a good example for your child. You are aware that this situation is also upsetting you and causing you to snap at your son. Do you think it is healthy to remain like that? In my opinion, if anything, things will get worse if you don't get out of that situation. Since it's your dad's place, you cannot exactly make him stop drinking or smoking, but you can leave and not put up with it.

You and your son would be better off in a place of your own, even if it's tiny.
My daughter and I lived in a two-room studio apartment until she was two.

If your dad was able to make it before you moved in, he will figure out how to make it when you move out.