Don't Know What to Do - Ottawa,IL

I hate when people write in and jump to say go to counseling, but here it seems like it might be a good thing. Your hubby sounds stressed out, and is probably dealing with a lot of emotions inside that he is bottling up. He might not want to tell you because, well he is a man and they tend to not like to show weakness. He might be mad at himself for not being able to provide better, and for the fact that you had to do bankruptcy. He is avoiding his feelings, and in turn ignoring you. It isnt healthy for you both to be fighting so much, or to ignore each other.

You need to go to someone who can help you sort out the feelings with each other and you two need to learn some ways to communicate and work things out.

It sounds like maybe you are both starting to resent each other, and the stress is getting to you both.

Take time to spend quality time together. Go somewhere without the kids and talk. Go for a walk, and try talking about normal things first, get comfortable just being with each other again. Then you can ease into more serious things.

Dont give up on each other, and try to be understanding of each other. No one is perfect, and it really seems like you have had some hard times. Learn to communicate and try and get passed this. You havent been married for twelve years for nothing.

If you both put in equal parts in making it work, and seeking help, and do your best to not push the blame, you two can reconnect.
It is worth a shot right?

ooh man....

this is the time when you need to come together - not apart...

I would highly suggest counseling for both of you...couple and separately.

Filing for bankruptcy is not the end of the world. Yes, it's degrading - but stuff happens....it's not like you are making a habit out of it....

If you need to get a job to help out - then do. I realize you have a 1 year old at home - make sure you can get a job that will more than cover day care expenses - because if it doesn't you are just wasting your time.

You both need time together to heal...it sounds like you blame him for waiting to go to the hospital...or he might PRESUME that's how you feel...you both need to communicate your feelings to each other....you are fighting because you are both hurting and angry....write him a letter and tell him how much you love him and want to be with him...schedule a date night...even if it means that you put a blanket on the floor after the kids go to bed and play a game of scrabble - reconnect with each other....

I pray that you both find the solace you need to heal from the hurt and anger you are experiencing...find a church that will help the two of you find each other and God....no better place to heal than in Gods loving arms!!

If he wants to sleep all the time, and avoid your family the rest, he could be suffering from depression. There is treatment for this. Has he talked with a doctor about this?

You mention that you have a degree, but haven't worked. Are you thinking of looking for a job? This could help your financial situationl, and especially your view of your own competence. If you are thinking of it, I would recommend getting out there and seeing what your options are.

You both are going through so much! You've mentioned money but even if you could go a few times to a counselor it may help. It may be worth researching your benefits, both through your insurance and the accident at work. Unfortunately they (insurance companies) don't have your best interest at heart and sometimes you have to ask (repeatedly) for what you deserve.

Boy, about waiting to go to the hospital, this is not uncommon. We must be hardwired to do this for some antiquated survival instinct reaction. Not excusing it, just have seen it a few times lately. One of my friends husbands DID die because he waited to long. I'm SO glad your husband got there in time and that may be something to focus on that he did get there when many don't.

If nothing else, what you are going through sounds like grief. You are grieving a life you had, a dream of your future and family together that now looks like it might not be. There may be easier resources to find on grieving (books, etc.) that could help you both work through these feelings.

As far as medical bills, part of "your job" can be to call each care provider (dr, anesthesiologist, er room, etc....) and tell them your sitaution. Ask for them to reduce the bill. They may do that or help with a payment plan. I don't know how easy they are to find anymore, but maybe you could do customer service work, or some sort of admin work from home. I used to have a website address for this type of work. If I find it I'll message you privately.

All the best! I hope in time this will be something you look back at and are proud in a way that your family made it through this and are happy and stronger! I also hope that time passes quickly!

Counseling.

I have also heard of "RoHun" therapy. A friend of a friend gets that. Finds it very beneficial and helpful.
They have marital problems, too.
I don't know much about it.
See if there is one in Illinois.
But per that person, he and she said the help/changes are quick. It is about self-improvement and realizations about yourself.

He is also dealing with post traumatic stress syndrome, too, probably.
Hence, he needs Counseling.
Either himself and/or with you for marital help.

He has gone through a lot, dealing with death/life and having his life almost end. Too. Plus the marital problems.

But either way, you both cannot solve this, by yourselves. You both need, outside Professional help and guidance.

Can you talk to a counselor?
Do you belong to a church? You could talk to somebody there.
Will he engage in any conversation with you?
Can you ask him if he is willing to see a counselor on his own?
Would he be willing to go do something fun w/just you like get something to eat. Just a change of pace and a change of scenery.
What is he limited to doing?
Can he watch his favorite tv shows/a movie w/you?
Something with comedy to make him laugh?
Is he willing to work on things? To come out of this?
If you are religious, pray for help. It can come in any multitude of ways.
Is he homebound? Could you take the kids to a friend's house when he has a friend over so you can get some downtime. You can either stay w/the friend & your kids or see if your friend would watch the kids while you get a 30 mins massage, go to the library to check out a book to read for free and read a few mins each night when they go to bed?
Rest whenever you get a chance.
Downsize things in your home so you don't have as much to clean (give away/donate what you don't need).
Read the funnies in the paper to get a chuckle when he is being a bear (any bit of laughter you can grab will help your state of mind).
Get good sleep at night if you can.
Again....see a counselor. Take the kids w/you if you have to or if you don't trust your husband to watch the kids. hang in there and I will be thinking of you.

as far as the bankruptcy you need to try to swallow your pride & know that you had to due to medical......is your husband going to get any type of settlement out of this work accident?

if you cannot afford counseling do you go to church? a lot of church's have marriage counseling for free or do you know of a good loving couple that has a strong marriage? can the two of you talk to them maybe once a week or the 2 guys talk for a while & you 2 woman talk & then all 4 talk

i hope you two can find your way back to your marriage, this does sound *fixable*

best wishes

If your husband had an accident at work, he should file a workers comp claim. It is better to get a lawyer to handle this so they do not try ot hold anything out. He may even be able to get counseling if this accident caused other issues as well. In Illinois, the lawyer can ONLY take 20% of any settlement. If no settlement ,they get nothing. This is nothing like if you hire a lawyer to sue where they could take 35 to 50%. My huisband just finally finished his workers comp issues and settled this year. They had to pay for all medical until it was settled. It won't solve everything but it is a step to take.

And it is very stressful to have medical issues and then an accident throw things up big time. My husbands injury required 2 surgeries and I did everything while he recovered. He even had to use a walker for a while, then a cane for several months. And we did have problems with ignoring each other because of the stress.

Get counseling--you and your husband have both been through a lot and you are both hurting. Go to counseling, and get your husband in counseling--having those 2 awful things happen can cause a lot of psychological problems (which are treatable), and counseling, as a couple will probably help you both.

G-d bless you & (hugs)!