Don't Know What I Did wrong...if Anything

My guess is that the tantrums just threw her way off. Things were going well and then BAM, the kids are throwing tantrums. Then, add to that she went home and her life is still there...dirty dishes in the sink, laundry she hasn't done, to do list a mile long.

I always WANT to start a new project or join some sort of group. Then when I leave even for a short time, I get overwhelmed by what's NOT happening at home. I also don't do well with tantrums. I know that probably sounds weird coming from someone that runs a daycare. BUT ... MY kids don't throw tantrums more than once or twice around me. I can't stand them and they learn right from the start it's not happening. But what can you do with other peoples children? NOTHING. I wouldn't take my precious little time, risk leaving things undone at home, and then subject myself to a situation where other peoples kids are going to be throwing tantrums.

I went to visit family a few years back and my Aunt invited me to stay. I was getting out of my house and my daycare and didn't have any of MY kids with me. Then she had her grandkids there..my 2nd cousins.. They were HORRIBLE! I will never take that few minutes of time I get for me and then put myself in the position of being in a situation I can't control. This is what I've learned about me. It may or may not pertain to her. But I did have a friend explain to me once that she wouldn't visit me in my home daycare because she was getting away from HER kids! LOL. I didn't understand at the time. I was too young. She's 7 years older than me. It took me longer to get there. But I finally did get there too.

Happens to me all the time, other moms do not like to "deal" with other kids' tantrums ... my son has some issues and has a difficult time leaving and sometimes sharing causing conflict ... I just accept it and move on really.

I think you sound a lot like me....I could totally hear myself in a lot of what you were describing. I get concerned about something (someone) and then feel obsessed about what I did...what happened...how do I fix this. I lose sleep over it..I think about it constantly...talk about it with anyone that will listen. But being on the outside...I can say that it's not that bad. Give her some time. She may be busy, she may be offended. But either way she needs a little space. Take some really good deep belly breaths...say out loud to yourself...

I LOVE who I am!
I am a GREAT Mother!
I am a GREAT Wife!
I am an AWESOME Friend!
I can ACCOMPLISH anything!!

continue saying it until you're smiling...then pick up where you left off. Keep going to the moms group, keep up with the emails. Diversify yourself with some of the others moms so you're not so dependent on just one. My problem when it comes to friends is that I rely too much on just one, and then I think I tend to burn out that friend by "needing" them too much. I feel like I have a hard time establishing and maintaining long lasting friendships.

There's a saying "friends are for a season, a reason, or a lifetime" I have only 1 lifetime friend. It makes me feel lonely sometimes...but I know that if all friends were for a lifetime I wouldn't appreciate the one I do have.

You did NOTHING wrong....you have nothing to worry about or to apologize for!

Hope this helps!!

I think she's probably just busy. Give it some time.

It could be something silly like one of her kids said they didn't like hanging out with your kids. A lot of moms will just stop hanging out with you over that. I think it is silly since they aren't required to be friends, just be around each other while mom hangs out, but, ya know, some kids are kinda spoiled.

First of all, you do not sound pathetic at all!!! Maybe you are desperate for friends, whats wrong with that?! I am, and my husband doesn't work nearly as many hours as your husband. You might be reading too much into it, do you have her number? Maybe try calling or texting to set up a playdate. I would try one more time and if she still ignores you, I would then ask her if everything is ok. If it were me, I would say something like "I had a great time hanging out with you and I would really like to meet up again. I just wanted to make sure everything was ok. Just let me know." If she doesn't respond then drop her. Find a new friend. I can't stand that high school stuff when grown women won't respond or get all uptight about a silly situation. BUT, maybe there really is nothing and all of a sudden she'll get in touch. You did nothing wrong though, so don't beat yourself up about it. I would like to make friends too and for some reason, women don't seem to warm up to me. I try, but I just can never hold onto a friend so I know how you are feeling.

There might be more to what happened when you were putting the baby in the car. I am trying to think of a reason why I would have to pick up a flailing child. If the kids just went around a back way, ( like out a backyard gate around the front to the driveway??) then why didn't all the kids end up out front? But then you said she was already tantruming when you told her you were loading the baby?? That sounds more like she just didn't want to leave. And then it sounds like the mom was trying to help you out by bringing your daughter to you but it backfired on her and your daughter got super super upset. She might feel guilty for making your daughter go banannas or if her kids are so perfect as to never throw tantrums she might not want to deal with that. I also think there was a fair chance she misinterpreted your Put her down commment.
BUT bottom line, I think you need to give her some space, and then at the next function you see her at, Ask her over for a specific day and time. I always try to give people three chances. Then you can give her a chance to see you in action and if she is still so easily offended by your comments or your children, then you really don't want to get into a relationship with her. Just stay open to everyone and focus positive energy on finding the right person for you. Preschool will open a whole new world!!! Isnt' it ironic how much making mommy friends is like dating.

I doubt that your childs little fit had anything to do with it. 2 weeks isnt that long, who knows why you havent heard from her, could be lots of things going on for her right now.... pregnancy mood swings will make you say and do or not say and do from time to time. Keep up cheerful communications with her and I'm sure when the time is right another playdate is in store.

In the old days I would have been worried about the same thing. Now I tend to agree with Denise. In the old days I would have been awake at night trying to figure this out. I learned that people except you or me, haha aren't too often thinking about others. They are thinking about their lives. And you are dealing with a pregnant person who is probably going up and down all over the place.You could try and talk to her, but she won't necessarily respond right away or with any specific answers and that will still drive you crazy. Just continue to seek out other friends and she may come to respond soon enough anyway.

I think she's just busy. It's hard for me to hang out with the friends I do have let alone make new ones. I get all amped and do something like meetup.com and go once and then that's it for months. lol. i'd email her one more time and if still no response, just move on to someone who's more interested in hanging out. we moms are all busy and w/ 2 + pregnancy, that's as crazy as it gets.

That'd kinda weird to me. It wouldn't have made me mad personally but everybodys different. I would probably send her a email asking if I did something wrong and if she still doesn't reply I would leave it at that.

I tend to agree with Denise. She has 2 kids and is pregnant. She is probably just busy. AND, if she is 3 months, she might be getting a little morning sickness thrown in (or not).

I sometimes am torn, maybe that is her situation: The aloneness and boredom are killing her, but having people over and dragging the kids out is also overwhelming. It's a choice between them... and sometimes it is EASIER to choose not to choose, which means staying home alone. She IS pregnant, and that can make her feel too tired to make that much of an effort.
I wouldn't read more into than is there. But I also am like the other poster who checks in with friends and goes over anything that I later think "maybe I said that the wrong way" and just tell her (the next time you see her, don't call her up over it).... "you know, when ___ was tantrumming and I said 'put her down' ... I hope you didn't think I was angry at you! I was worried b/c of your pregnancy that she might knee you in the stomach!"..... and then let it go.

First of all if you did not directly ask her in your email to come over then you should. This will give you your answer as to whether she wants to get together again.

And I have to disagree with some of the others...it very well could be your daughter's tantrum. By 4 my kids did not do that sort of thing. It just sounds like an extreme reaction to you just going out front. Honestly-this may put me off too. It was hard for me to hang out with kids that did that kind of thing at that age-it was just too unsettling. For both myself and my children. Especially when there was not corrective behavior coming from the mom. And I am also wondering if this was the only tantrum or acting out your daughter displayed on this playdate. And I do think there may be a good chance that she misinterpreted your yelling to put her child down. That would not sit well with me either. I could be wrong here-its impossible to really tell without being there.

If you don't hear back after your invitation email next time I see her you maybe say- "you know what-I have been meaning to apologize for yelling at you to put my child down. The more that I think about it I wonder if you might think I didn't want you touching or helping with my kid. That is so not true...I just didn't want you to hurt yourself because my kid is such a load!

I really do feel for you...I cannot even imagine how tough you have it with the ages that your kids are and being alone so much. Preschool will definitely give you a much needed break. And you will meet a ton of new people. Some of my closest friends are moms of my kid's friends during that stage. It's much easier than mom group friend making IMO. I tried the mom group thing and honestly they were WAY too uptight for me.

You may want to back track and say how embarrassing it was for you to have your daughter throw such a tantrum, also that you were worried her flailing in the other Mom's arms could have hurt her pregnancy. Sorry if there were any misunderstandings - but you'd REALLY like them all to come over to your home for a playdate.

Nothing wrong in being completely open and honest!

Its so hard whenyour lonely and want friends and you want your kids to get along and have friends. But people do judge. Quite a bit. More than I think is right. The saying be on your best behavoir or you wont be invited back holds true for play dates. But you know people are fickle. The problem is no one is perfect so everyone should just chill out. You might have done nothing wrong and your child did nothing wrong and its her. Now I can go anywhere and start up a conversation with anyone while I watch my child on activities. But I can never make play dates. Her dad is better at that.

I know it's hard, but try your best NOT to get fixated on this. In reality, it probably has nothing to do with you, but rather something she may having going on. It's really difficult making new friends (in the same boat here), but you can do it. Just continue to invite people over, go to new places and chat up someone with kids similar to those of your kids' ages. You'll find someone(s) you have a bond with and who is also looking to make new friends. Hang in there and know you're not the only feeling alone...so many mommies feel that way! Keep tracking and you'll make some new friends.

I dont think your desperate, I FEEL ya! I would just email her again and say "Hey, just making sure your ok, havent heard back and that you still want to get together".
If she doesnt respond to that, then boo to her! I dont see how she would be offended in any way.

I don't think you did anything wrong either. I love the saying that Timberose included in her response! I'd never heard that before, but I think it's so true.

Best wishes!! =o)

She is a mom, so I don't see how the tantrums would throw her off, personally.

Maybe she's just busy, sick, in a funk, etc. Why don't you give her a call & invite her over directly? You should be able to get something from her tone during the phone call, I would think. You could just say you were following up on the emails you had sent her & wanted to make sure she got the invite for a playdate & see where it goes from there.

I tend to over analyze in my head, and it's always nothing, which is why I gave the advice I did.

Since this is such an important matter, skip the emails and have a conversation with her face-to-face or via phone. It is important when establishing any relationship to start out with open, clear, and direct communication. If you have concerns, express them. If you have questions, ask them. Email is too impersonal and can be easily misinterpreted becuase you miss all of the non-verbal portion of the communication process.

I don't think you should ask her if there is a problem or if you offended her. I am pretty sure she would not answer truthfully anyway. If someone asked me that, and they had driven me nuts (not you) at a playdate, I would just say no and make excuses and then go back to not responding.

Disclaimer: This person would have to have been really really bad for me to blow them off. I am not a mean person. Just wanted to give an example.

Also, sometimes people just don't click at certain levels in their life. She may just be really into her pregnancy and life right now and only prefers to socialize most of the time on the computer via the message boards.

I'd likely try one more time or if you know you'll see her at a group thing, wait till then but one thing - if she's this uptight bc your child threw a tantrum at the end of the playdate, maybe she's not worth worrying about. Geez - maybe some kids don't throw tantrums at age 4 anymore but plenty do and I'm certainly not going to be that judgemental about it to cut off someone because of one instance. So if she is, I know it sucks but keep trying until you find someone else a bit more easy going... Not like your child tore up her house!

I would email her and ask her directly about coming over for a playdate. You don't need to mention anything about your concerns. Just check and see. I know when you get stuck home a lot, it can sometimes be easy (for some people) to keep staying home. Getting out can be hard! She might just need some encouragement.

At the same time, your concern over what you said and her possible reaction, you could be right on about it. She might have a sensitive self esteem and easily wonder if people like her or not. She might have thought about it afterwards and felt like you were upset at her for carrying your daughter. That's completely possible. I know plenty of women that would have felt that way (not that you did anything wrong at all!). I just think you could be right about it. But I wouldn't say anything yet...or ever...or at least for a while.

If someone were to ask me if I was offended about something, I would be honest with them and tell them yes or no. My neighbor and I have often done the "I was thinking about the other day, and I hope I didn't come across...(insert however we were worried we might come across)" and then we talked it out. We both do it. It's kind of funny. For us, it works good. I like to confront things and have no weirdness due to lack of communication. So, if you feel like you need to say something, just saying "I hope I didn't come across weird to you the other day (keep going)" but keep it short and sweet and don't go into too much detail. Just say what you need to say.

Hope that helps and that she comes and plays soon!