Dont Know How to Talk to My Seven Year Old!!

I was going to say the same as Sara B: regardless of the sexuality issue, kids of divorce/single parents shouldn't be dealing with their parents' relationships unless they are truly a long term commitment.
It's just too much for kids too deal with, especially if they experienced loss or estrangement from another parent...and then there are the jealousy/attention issues.

i would wait till he asks you about it. then just tell him over again that sometimes boys love boys and girls love girls. Also let him know how lucky he is to have 2 parents that love him very much.

I have a 7 yo and while I respect your choice, I don't think anyone should be living with anyone when they have small kids. No matter if it's man-woman, woman-woman, man-man.

At this point...she's a "room mate" & keep it on the Down Low.

My advice if this was a man-woman relationship would be the same! Kids do not need SOs in their lives. Keep dating separate from kids.
And don't live with someone if you're not married.

Good suggestions here.

Adding this: the priority, should be your child.
If at ANY time... you see behavioral problems, your child being stressed, or not understanding things.... if/when you do tell your son... then you have to address that.... not just punish/scold a child for NORMAL emotion based inability or confusion to deal with something or not.

Kids this age, do not have, 'coping skills'.... for dealing with things. Many adults don't even have coping-skills for emotion based issues... so, don't expect a 'certain' response from your child, whether that be understanding or not-understanding... because, even adults have inability for that.
Watch for the 'expectations' you have upon your child... they have tiny shoulders that either can or cannot 'carry' our adult burdens.

At this age, they don't even know what a 'relationship' is and all the abstractness of it.....

Don't accelerate something, unless you know for sure... how to deal with it... and think of your child....

Next: the logic that "if a boy loves a boy and a girl loves a girl they can be together..." may not make sense to a child. This young. Even adults can't understand that.... so again, watch for what you 'expect' of your child's understanding....
AND... if you do tell your son... then, you will have to deal with whether or not... HE will tell his school friends/parents/Teachers about it. Too. Or you have to have secrecy about it all... which can be a BIG 'stress' or burden for a child's tiny shoulders.... and how will you deal with it... if your child just innocently tells other people.... or what if he gets teased or people make comments to him about it???? Will he keep it all bottled up, or tell you? How will it affect HIM????

The gist is: a child cannot be 'responsible' for their parent's lives nor keeping it a secret or not... or if it is out in the open... they cannot be 'responsible' for the ramifications of it... nor know how to deal with it...
keep expectations of him, age-appropriate.... and you must gauge him closely... and his behavioral/emotional well-being. THAT should be the priority....

Next: How will his Dad respond to this? IF you tell your son. Or does your son have to keep it a 'secret' from his own Dad??? That is a heavy burden for a child. Even adults can't deal with things like that. How will your son be able to juggle it all and deal with it????
IF your son is expected to keep it all a secret... then, that is like 'lying' to his own Dad. Is that fair to expect from your son???? A young child....
AND, how will your Ex/your son's Dad.... deal with it and you and your son????

Then to extrapolate on it all: HOW will your son deal with it, in relation to other family members/grandparents/relatives/other friends... WILL he be able to tell them too? Or not? How will you instruct him on that??? And, can he deal with it??? Can you? Will you tell your relatives/family/your own parents about it???? If you don't know nor have the answers to these issues yourself... then, you cannot expect your Son... to know how to manage it all, either.

**One of my siblings is gay... I have HAD to keep it to myself since I was a child and knew. THAT, for me, although I am an adult now... is a BIG BURDEN... to have to keep, to myself. And I resented it and it caused problems. It is not "my" problem... but I inherited that problem. I should not have to be 'responsible' for another persons 'secret' life. And it entails having to 'lie' to my own family/other people... when they ask "How come your sibling isn't married?" How come your sibling has no children or significant other?" "How come.... your sibling has no one?" and on and on and on. It is a big, complicated, thing. And I really... don't like to have it HANGING over my head. ALL because, this sibling chooses to keep it a secret and not want "me" to tell anyone... and even if other people knew, THEN I would have to deal with the "how come?" questions too... which is equally a problem.
I know each circumstance is different... but, just my scenario....

Next: Your Significant Other... should not pressure you about it. This is YOUR child. And that is your priority.

I think you should do the same thing you should do if it was a man. Wait until you're SURE that this relationship is going to stick before introducing the idea of a significant other, whether it's a girl or not.

Give it a few years. In the mean time, tell him you are good friends.
Additional: A 7 yr old has no idea regarding adult relationships. The least you can do as a parent is make sure the people in his life (and yours) are stable and will be there for the long haul. Same thing if it was a guy. Is this other person going to be a parent to your child? Will there be marriage, adoption? If you should unexpectedly die, would this other person raise your son? These are questions you need to find the answers to. There might be some kind of a support group.

Be honest with your son in an age appropriate way. It depends on if he is asking questions and what they are. If he is asking questions answer them with short age appropriate explanations (2-3 sentences is usually enough). You have laid the foundation already. Telling him you and your GF love each other is fine. If you have made a commitment to one another it makes sense to tell him. No 7 year old needs details about their parents' sex lives no matter who they are with. I am a strong supporter of sex education but at 7 I still thought "sleeping together" meant sharing a bed. The conversation on the mechanics of sex was a few years later (9 I think in my case).
I am guessing since you are in NY being "out" is not a major problem unless there are relatives or other significant people who don't know. A child 7 or under is not likely to be able to reliably keep a secret like that so it is probably better not to tell him anything you don't want potentially made public.

There is a big gay and lesbian center (not sure the exact name) in Manhattan with a lending library. They probably have books on lesbian parenting either written for a parent or for a parent to read with their child (e.g."Heather Has 2 Mommies" or something like it).

Live your life honestly and be honest with your son. Just tell him that you and your roommate/gf care for each other and love each other and answer any questions he may have. If the relationship doesn't work out, explain that to him openly and honestly in terms he can understand. I'm offended for you by the suggestion you keep this relationship from him because it's a same-sex relationship. No one would suggest you keep a male roommate/bf relationship from your son and to me there is no difference who you love as long as you are loved. I wish you lots of luck!

Hi L.
I think children respond better to honesty. Tell him that you are in this relationship and that you think it might be for the long haul ,that you love her etc.and that he can come to you with any questions.You dont need to tell him details about your sex life just the relationship side of it etc.
I think we dont give children enough credit for knowing whats going on around them or for their intelligence.Open communication is better because at least you know whats going on with him,his feelings etc.
There might be some difficulty around the fact that it is a gay relationship depending on the area you live and peoples attitudes or if your lucky maybe not.Either way I would be honest with him.
Remember yourself at his age,how clued in were you of family dymanics etc. and gage it from there.
Best of luck
Positive Vibes
B.

id be 100 percent honest, kids get alot more than they are given credit for. My daughter is 7 and i know she knows things that some would say are a little over her head. You dont want to face the consequences of what may happen if you are deemed a liar in your kids eyes.

I am a child of a gay father and it was never a problem for me. My mom and dad did not sit down when I was little to tell me he was gay but they never tried to hide it from me. My dad began a relationship when I was about 7 with a man he has been with since. They told me they were friends and when it became serious they told be they were boyfriends. I honestly did not care I was just excited to spend more time with my dad's boyfriend. At that age, I did not ask many questions but my parents would have answered any that I had. They were always honest but never gave too much information.

I am a social worker now and would give the same advice. You do not need to go into a lot of details but just say that you love each other. If and when, your son asks questions keep the answer simple and to the point.

Love yourself and who you are and you will raise a son that will do the same.

hi! i would talk to him now. my bro in law is gay as well as several family members and friends and not once have i hid any of this from my kids.

when my son began asking, i explained to him that just like mommy and daddy loving each other and being a family, 2 men or 2 women can feel the same way. he responded like any other 7 year old: "Oh." and then went on his merry way.

i feel like sharing this with him now is just like sharing any other ordinary information. they absorb it and add it to their mental notes. i refuse to teach them that being gay/fat/differnent races/etc.. is shameful or strange. luckily we live in NYC where we can afford to not be close minded.

i wish you lots of love and patience!

Hi L.,

If your son has not had previous exposure to same sex relationships, it is a new concept and he may not totally get it. Be open and honest that you and your partner are a couple. Also, ask the school counselor about books that may help your son (there are some out there, like, (NAME) Has Two Mommies. I don't see any need or reason to hide this from your child or wait a few years - if this is your sexual identity, it will not get easier or be beneficial to wait til he's older. Even if he doesn't totally "get it" because he has only seen opposite sex couples and it never occurred to him that two women can be a couple, be honest and he'll absorb what he can. Whatever he can't, he isn't mature enough to.

well 7 is still young and at that age the child still will not understand. i think what ever you do will be the right way. your son already knows that mommy likes other girls and not boys and that is ok. to each there own. good luck

if you are comfortable and confident about your relationship, your son will be more comfortable as well. if you seem nervous or ashamed, it may be more difficukt for him to understand/accept.
Its the same no matter if its same or opposite sex. tell him the way you'd tell him about any new relationship. it can be hard for a child to accept any new relationship that a parent is in. if he sees how happy you are and that it wont affect his relationship with you (and will give him someone else to love him!) it will hopefully go well, but dont be surprised if it takes him some adjustment - not because its with a woman but because its a new reationship!

one of my best friends is married to a woman and she has a son... its just the way he's being brought up and is just life as he knows it. so imo, the younger you tell him the better.

good luck! and congrats on finding haqppiness :)

Dear L.,

Congratulations on your relationship! My recommendation is to focus on the one-on-one interactions between your son and your partner -- do what you need to do to facilitate a warm, loving step-parent relationship. The fact that she's a woman should really be secondary to having the two of them get along. That relationship -- a positive connection between your son and your partner -- will most likely trump any concerns he'll pick up from society at large. I also wouldn't necessarily expect a same-sex relationship to seem strange to a 7-year-old. At that age, many boys "hate" girls, girls think boys are "gross," etc., so a same-sex relationship may seem like the most natural thing in the world.

To the extent that you have to "explain" anything about being in a relationship with a person you love, it may actually be better to downplay any sense that this is unusual: "Yeah. We love each other. We all live together. We're a family. If someone else has a problem with that, that's their problem, not ours." As your son grows older, you can connect past civil rights struggles to your own: "Some people don't want women to live with women and men to live with men, but that's like when people used to want black people to ride in the back of the bus...., etc."

Finally, I really want to say, I don't think anyone has ANY business telling you to keep your relationship on the "down-low." The things that should be hidden are shameful bigotry and irrational hatred of others. You, your partner, and your son have every right to live your lives and be a family. Good luck, and congrats.

Mira