Don't Know How to Get over This

Keep telling her you love her several times a day either out loud or in a note or in a text or voicemail, etc. She knows you do, she just needs to hear it a lot. Don't take it personally. She's teen and that's the way some act. You are the adult and she knows how much you love and care for her and she knows the sacrifices you've made to have her live with you. She just needs to know it's unconditional.

This is just normal teenage stuff. If she lived with her mother she would be having those fights with her mom. I caused no big trouble for my parents. I was well behaved. I never did anything wild I was a good role model for my younger brother and sister but I said some hurtful comments to my mom which obviously I should not of said.
She needs you. Don't give up on her. It sounds like she has been through alot in her life.
Let her know that you love her no matter what and will be there for her no matter what. She has not had to many adults stay with her so she needs to see this in action not just words.
Hang in there..you could be changing someones life for the better.

All you can do is continue to give them both your love. Actions speak louder than words. I remember several times when I was a teenager, telling my parents that I did not love them, or even hated them. It is testing boundaries, part of becoming a teenager. She wants to see if you are easy to push away, just by saying mean things to you. When she says it, just say, "well, I love you, and you are not going to push me away" or something like that that you are comfortable with. Best of luck.

Hi Mama!! Oh my Goodness Im sorry youre feelings got hurt, but try to keep in mind she is 17!!! She has alot going on Im sure and maybe shes not used to being told she's loved! So by pushing you away she wouldnt get hurt!! Makes sense sadly....Anyways keep up the good work and keep the I LOVE YOU comming all day and night!! xoxo

One thing you might look into is family foster care or at least being named her legal guardian in some way. If you become her foster mother then she would qualify for state services including health coverage. If you can get named her legal guardian then you should be able to cover her on your insurance. Because you are right therapy is VERY needed for her, the whole family really should go.

As for how you get over your hurt feelings, you just accept that this child has been through a LOT and is terrified of getting close. That she probably didn't mean what she said and let it go. And I wouldn't suggest talking to her, these are YOUR feelings. And while feelings aren't right or wrong they also aren't anyone else's responsibility but your own. She doesn't have to love you ... she does however have to respect you and your rules and your home.

Good luck with everything. and I'm sure she does love you she's just scared sh*tless right now.

Are you sure that she really doen't believe that you don't love her? Or is this a case where she's in an argument, you're trying to be the negotiator and she's not happy that you are not siding with her completely? It was something that was said in the heat of the moment and has more to do with her not getting her way? Teenagers do that. Even the best of them.

I would suggest that you take what happened last night out of your memory for the time being and look back and the entire context of your relationship with your niece. The memories that you have there, whether or not she has been receptive to your love and attention, and whether it was reciprocated by her, should tell you more about what she believes in her heart to be true than what was said last night.

It's completely understandable that she may feel put off by your stepdaughter moving in and going to school with her. Her sacred territory is being encroached up, after all, by foreign invader (just trying to channel your niece's mindset here but may not be doing it very well). And she very well may have issues about what her parents did or didn't do that she may need to work out. If you feel that is the case, then contact a school counselor to see if there is a counseling service in your area (she may not feel comfortable going to see a counselor at her school) that offers free or sliding scale therapy for her.

I hope this all works out for you and the girls. Have heart. Sometimes teenage girls say things that they don't really mean when we are really, really pissed and frustrated. Us grown up girls do that also. Take care.

One on one time. Take her out for a pedicure, for a movie, or something where you can spend time together without having to force conversation right away. Hopefully once the ice breaks, she will open up to you about how she is feeling and you can reassure her of her place in your heart and your home.

she may well need therapy, but not for this. at 17 she's still somewhat a child, and even though she knows that love is more nuanced than she's allowing, to some degree it is still black-and-white for her. moreover she is old enough to start playing with psychological manipulators, and your response is validation of her power to affect others' emotions. since it's much easier to hurt others than to create more complex positive responses, it's the one she's wielding.
it's your role as her parent proxy and the adult in this situation to remain calm and centered, and to return all her angry volleys with love and patience. don't overcompensate by paying more attention to her than your SD. keep the love flowing and don't allow yourself to get knocked around emotionally.
with all those kids, you need the practice!
good luck.
khairete
S.

I agree with everything that has been said so far...I would also add considering writing her a letter. Let her know in writing how much you love her and how you will always love her and be here for her no matter what. She sounds partially like typical teen but also very insecure and she may need a lot of reinforcement before it sinks in.

I've been reading "How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and How to Listen So Kids Will Talk". It might help with communicating with her so that maybe you can word things in such a way that she will be less likely to take it so personally and hopefully not be as touchy. Also, unless it becomes physical or there are threats being made in any way, it might be helpful not to get involved in whatever quarrels the girls are getting into - at 17 they are old enough to learn on their own how to figure things out for themselves.

I don't know of a therapist in your area, but since money is a concern, I wanted to suggest the school counselor.

Just keep telling her you love her and showing it. Ignore what she says as far as not loving you back or not believing you. Just tell her matter of factly, "Well, I do love you." and move on. She's obviously very much a child who needs you to there for her. When she gets older and more mature she'll come to realize how much she does love you and appreciate all you've done.

17 Year old girls can be very mean especially if they are hurt people. Remember hurt people...hurt people.

You may want to consider getting legal custody of your 17 year old neice because if anything happens to her while in your care where she needs medical treatment you will need to proper documents to do that. You may also want to consider going through the classes offered by the child protective services agency in your area as well as get your home inspected and approved. They can offer a lot of advice and insight into dealing with hurt children. From your description it sounds like your sister may be a unfit parent. The services which can be provided to your neice through the government can include counseling but she needs to be willing to do the counseling piece. She may not be willing.

Your neice may also be suffering from severe PMS which also has a depression component to it. Depression in teens is difficult. I wouldn't take anything she says to heart. Just keep loving her through her fears, anxieties, and anger. Help her grow and mature part of that is showing her that everything isn't black and white and discipline is a part of love between an adult and a child.

I don't have teenagers yet so I don't have much advice to give, but I wanted to mention the Walk-In Counseling Center in Minneapolis (www.walkin.org) as a low-cost therapy option. Good luck to you!