Done? - Houston,TX

It would be absolutely selfish of you to share any details about his parents' marriage with him. I know far too much about my parents' marriage, that either of them 'felt the need' to tell me to defend their side or the other. It's ridiculous. It was never any of my business, and is nothing short of traumatizing.

Your job as a parent (whether bio or step) is not to do what feels good for you, it's to do what's best for this child at this time. Right now, he's hurting, he's angry, and he's loyal to his mother.

Why on earth would you wash your hands of him? He's done NOTHING wrong, besides responding to the traumatizing information that his PARENTS have shared with him, that they should NEVER have shared with him. He's a victim here.

Be supportive of him. Do not share details. Let him know you are there for him. Go to his graduation. Help him when he needs help. Celebrate his birthdays. Some day, when he is cognitively able to rise above the drama & anger, he will appreciate you. Maybe not any time soon, but some day.

I don't have step kids, but I was O..

I think the best thing to do is to be loving, be kind and know that someday--maybe next year--maybe next decade he will see the truth--that his parents are people. That have faults. And have done the best they could at the time.

And "the best" you can do is things like NOT ignoring his birthday--that would be UN-kind. And if he wants to rip up your hard and/or gift--that's HIS prerogative but at least you'll know you didn't give up trying. :)

Good luck!

Why ignore birthdays? that seems spiteful.

I would J. write him a note about how you love him and if her ever wants to talk and clear the air you are moe than willing and in the meantime encourage your husband to spend alone time with him without you. Maybe once in a while (when it works for you) you can go to a friends or family for the weekend and he can have time with his dad. Like you said he got the short straw and a crappy mom, and even if he was fed lies for some reason he's hurt by you. I dont think that automatically means his dad should choose you over him.
His kid didnt ask for the divorce, for crazy parents and so on...
I would think a family meeting is in order and the end might not be that he liked you, but hopefully that him and his dad can still have a relationship aside from you if need be

No you can never wash your hands of this kid. He's hurting and he feels a sense of loyalty to his mom. That's not a bad thing. Remember he did not choose to be in this situation. The problems in the marriage, the divorce and the remarriage are none of his choosing. He's only been on the planet 18 years. Of course, he thinks he hates you - he doesn't know all the facts. One day he'll learn more about the whole situation and he'll have to decide which are facts and which are not. He'll base those decisions on the character of the people he's been around. Don't flake out - be a constant in his life - someone who is always there regardless of how he behaves. Afterall, you're the adult and although he's 18 his emotional growth has been stunted - he was raised by wolves (or a wolverine at least). Give him the benefits of the doubt.

Write him a SHORT note or tell him the following: say you understand his loyalty to his mom and that's not a bad thing, but a good thing. Tell him you understand that none of this situation is his choice but that's he's stuck with a sucky situation and no one would have planned for their kid. Explain that he is welcome in your home and that you hope he can find a way to be at peace with you if not like you - that it's more important that he continues to have a relationship with his dad - since his dad really loves him very much. Tell him that there are a number of things that he might have heard that just aren't true - but that is in the past and you want to just put it all behind you. Tell him you understand why he feels the way he does based on the things he's heard or been told and you hope that some day you and he can get along and maybe even enjoy eachother's company.

One day he will come around - until then he needs to know his dad wants him in his life. You came around after your stepson. Your husband has a greater responsibility to his son. It's tough to deal with, but you'll be a better person for doing so. You go girl.

If he needs to be set straight about details of the marriage/ relationship, that is for his father to do. It's not your place to discuss his parents' marriage with him. If he has misconceptions about the role you played in his parents' split, then his father needs to set him straight. Your husband was that woman's husband, he was responsible for his marriage, or broke a commitment, you were not responsible for his mother. If the things his mother says are true, it was his father, his mom's husband at the time, who hurt her and broke up the marriage. You don't need to force him to speak to you at his mother's house, but in your home, I would not tolerate him treating you rudely and your husband should not tolerate it either.

No - you can't wash your hands of him - but you don't need to push either. Be polite. pleasant and kind, send him birthday cards and encourage your husband to invite him over/spend time with him. Encourage him to nurture that relationship.

Don't share anything else about the marriage with him. Don't talk poorly about his mother. If he brings anything up, say something like, "Some things are true, some are not, but they are all in the past. You will need to talk to your father about any details from the past. Your family has been through a lot, but everyone loves you and wants the best for you."

The kid is in an awful position. He CANT accept you without betraying his mom. He probably thinks now that your husband chose you over his mom AND him. Continue to be kind to him without trying to push him into a relationship with you. Be kind to him and to his dad and speak respectfully of his mother. Encourage your husband to invite him over and spend time with him. You can spend time in another room if the son doesnt want you there.

So, I am a step mom as well. My situation is very different then yours (in ways) though. I came in when my stepson was 6 months old...So, this is just what he has grown up knowing. Although, it can be awkward, crazy, frustrating (especially with the ex) and dysfunctional...

Sharing information with our step children as far as their bio parents, is NOT our job.

Done does NOT exist :)

Your husbands ex should not have said those things! True or not true. It should have stayed between the adults.

Your SS can hate you all he wants. I am sure it hurts and makes things harder. You just need to make it clear to him that you will always be there for him. He needs to know he can always come to you and when he is ready to talk or get to know you, then you will be there.

But until then, he needs to be RESPECTFUL. Your husband needs to take part in that to. He needs to make it clear that you are here to stay and if your SS wants to be involved, he at least needs to treat you with respect. If your SS has a problem, he can keep it to himself OR discuss it with you or his dad like an adult.

The ex never changes (from my experience). She is going to do what she wants to do , say what she wants to say AND get away with it!

Part of our job (as stepmoms) is to just take it with stride. Stand back, get involved when needed, make it clear to the children, your husband, even his ex that you are here for the long run and your here for all of them (EVEN the ex....as painful as that may be ;) )

But again, different situations. All your step children are grown and should no better. But, remember, they have been hurt to.

This sounds somewhat familiar. I've been a stepparent for 26 years, they are now 27 & 30. So at least I got to know them at a very young age and build a relationship. We had similar conflicting "stories" about their parents' divorce, what led up to it, and what my involvement was.

At 18, I would respect him, acknowledge him and his special events. Yes, give him a birthday card, but not make a big deal out of it. I would not push to build a relationship unless he initiates that. I would let his father deice how much he wants to share about their marriage and divorce.

It is not out of line to ban an 18 year-old from staying at your house if he can't be respectful to you. That is his father's right. (My husband had to do that to his own son when he was 19, for different reasons). Just because he has been told to not come there if he can't respect you does not mean you and his father are "done" with him. He and his father can continue their relationship and you can indicate that you are open to being involved, if and when he is ready.

Our children and stepchildren do not thank us for being parents. They might when they are old enough to understand the challenges of being an adult and parent, but don't hold your breath :-) My step kids and I are quite close, actually, and I am thankful for that.

I am a step parent so I know how hard it is to figure out what to do.

I think if I were in your position, I would back off to an extent like not going out of your way to speak to him, especially if he's made it clear that he has no intention of speaking to you. I certainly would not worry about what he wanted to eat or if he ate at all. He's old enough to figure it out on his own and he's mistaking your kindness for weakness.

I would send him a card for his birthday or if he's at your house, just put one on the counter or tape it to his bedroom door. I certainly would not worry about handing it to him. Same for any other occasion - just a card - no gift.

There is a chance that he will outgrow this once he has a bit more life experience so I wouldn't really close the door completely, but I would back off and put more space between me and him until he changes his outlook.

No you don't say anything about his parents marriage. If dad wants to share information thats his choice but its not yours.

He may never like you but he does have to be respectful and that should be told to him. If he cannot, then I applaude your husband for his stand.

Attend events, be kind but I wouldn't expect anything else from this young man.

Steps are hard. I see what my BIL went through with my SIL's kid and vise versa. Its a mess. But you have to make the best of it.

It's difficult for me to respond to your question without putting it through the lens of my own experience, and I realize that no two situations are exactly alike, and mine may be of little relevance to your own. That said, perhaps I might share a piece of my history with you?

My father and step mother were married when I was 13 years old. My mother never spoke negatively about my step mother, nor their relationship. In fact, I think she was relieved when my father found someone to share his time with. Still, I had 'sided' with my mother, as much as a child can. I was angry with my father and believed the divorce was his doing.

At first I liked my step mother very much. I was happy for my dad, helped make wedding decorations, and would go on outings with my SM. She was open with me - too open - sharing grievances she had with my dad, and in a juvenile attempt to protect her, I opened up as well, urging her to stick up for herself, communicating a history with her that was biased from my own perception.

She in turn shared these things with my father, and I felt terribly betrayed. My papa is reactive and volatile and accused me of 'black mouthing him'. For many months, he disowned me.

When I started going back to his house, I despised my SM for breaking my confidence and inserting herself between my father and me. When I look back now, I see this through the eyes of a parent and adult. It's more complex than that - they were where they were at - and I don't think my SM was necessarily trying to sabotage me or my relationship to my dad. It's taken a while for me to get there, and I had to get there in my own time. When I was a kid, I couldn't see past my developmental capacity. Teenagers are valuable human beings, and also lack certain abilities that they develop as a result of their teenage experiences. I had a limited perspective and my folks punished me for it. I wasn't doing it to be difficult, it was just a natural stage in my progression.

After the upset, I wanted little to do with my SM. I no longer trusted her. Instead of just letting me be for a while, letting me be upset and slowly building trust back, my father and SM pushed themselves on me. I wasn't allowed to have alone time with my father, wasn't allowed in their home if I didn't accept my SM as my family, wasn't allowed to be angry. They pushed and I drew back farther. Unfortunate, because the wounds lasted for a decade - and I think they were unnecessary, should the adults in the situation just held space for me, instead of trying to force me into their idea of what should be.

I can relate to the difficulty of being pushed away by an angry child, I myself raise a kiddo who isn't biologically my own, and, as is normal per her developmental age, blamed me for having lost her family unit. It really hurt, trying to give this hurt child love, and getting attacked in response. I just had to hang tight, love her for the both of us, not rush relationship, and let her be as angry as she needed to. She's much younger than your step children, and it's not the same situation I know, but that's what worked in my home. When she through insults at me, I would let her know that I heard her, she was feeling angry and missed her bios. I let her know it was okay to feel upset, but it wasn't okay to be rude to me. I tried not to take it personally, but sometimes the night would come and I would cry myself to sleep. But around her, I didn't put that on her, the responsibility of my emotional well being. I'm an adult, it's my job to take care of me, keep myself sane. Not hers. She's a child. She's allowed to be a child.

I hope the best for your family. It's hard having strife with the people we love most.